(no subject)
im lost completely and totally.
what am i doing..?..
.................................................
i dont know i couldnt even explain it .
im being an idiot...and stubborn.
i love her to death...more that anyone
and yet im pushing her away?
how dose that make sense.
im just so insecure right now .
everything around me has been a fuck
i dont feel comfortable in my own skin
and im aggravated as fuck
it sucks to think that the two people i love the most
cant get along...
and i know its my fault....ironic how things work out right?
i got so mad at you because you didnt want to come to a party.
but i just want so badly for you to not hate him?..
and you know what you can hate him...but how could u hate someone
that i love so much?...and how can you get so mad at me
when if you just think back to halloween youd see something interesting
and how i never yelled?...i dont know
well just so you know im an idiot
and im scared to say it ..
im sorry i deserted you...and made you feel abandoned.
but i can honestly say for once in my life
that this is not my fault....technically.
yes it is my fault that ive been lazy and not called
and it is my fault that weve drifted apart
but right now my life is so out of place and tangled
that i just dont think...anyone in their right mind would
want to hang out with me.
i sleep...and if im not sleeping...im bitchy.
and if im not bitchy...im working and faking not being
a bitch...........
if im not doing any of that i am at blakes.
laying there feeling safer than i have in awhile
i keep lieing to myself telling myself i dont need this medicine
i do...but im postponing it.
and the ironic part is ...the only reason i dont want to go is the reason
i need the medicine
because im anxious...
when i told my mom that my anxiety was genuinely effecting my days
i cried...because it felt so good to finally admit what ive known all along
but have always been too scared to say....i need help
it is not normal to have such terrible seperation anxiety
it is not normal to have panic attacks when the lights go out
it is not normal to be scared of the quaker oatmeal man
it is not normal to cry because you got touched by a "dirty plate hand"..(long story)
it is not normal to have to put a car seat back because if its up...all you think about is
putting it back down
it is not normal to have to take a deep breath whenever you go somewhere to calm yourself down
it is not normal to sit here and not what to type what you feel because you know
how rediculous it really is
it is not normal to wreck the only true friendship you have because you feel too anxious
to make plans
it is not normal to feel so out of place
im a wreck..
a mess
i cant do this anymore
i want to get away...i want to go to college where it dosent matter anymore
i want to get on with my life. because i dont want to apologize
i am scared too.
even though i just want htings to be normal
but i know unless i get the help i need it really wont be
and im scared that when i tell you your gonna think its some
dumb excuse......
but its not i can promise you..im a terrible friend.
and i know it ...i need to find a way to make it up to you
i dont know how i dont know when but i will
i need things to blow over.
im crying
i hate this
what the fuck am i doing
...i have some anxiety disorder
and i need to get it taken care of
...
I AM SICK OF IT CONTROLLING MY LIFE>