uh...
I am so. utterly. unhappy.
I'm walking around with this bitterness in my heart that I can't shake. I HATE MY JOB. I HATE THE SERVICE INDUSTRY. I'm so exhausted on my days off that I can't even think, let alone put any energy into my artistic efforts or trying to find a better job. I work my ass off and I can never get ahead. I'm exhausted all the time and yet I can't sleep. I've come home 3 nights this week and collapsed on my bed in tears. My friends are too busy/too far away/too fed up with me to care enough to notice how bad off I am. I have little to no support and I have no idea how to ask for help anymore because I feel too pitiful, too much of a burden, too much like I've used up all my support cards over the years.
My relationship isn't giving me what I need. He has no idea how to support me or be there for me or even give me the required attention that a person should give when they love someone. He's clueless. Half the time he has no idea that I'm even upset. I know most of this is my fault because I'm too paralyzed. I can't express how I feel right now to anyone... not even the person who I'm supposed to be in love with. I feel completely cut off from him emotionally. I need him so badly and yet he doesn't seem to notice. I don't want to have to voice it. I don't want to have to say "I need you to be there for me."
I also have this thing that I can't even really talk about to anyone because it's too personal. This is my fault too but I can't let go of how hurt I've been from this and I have constant reminders that it's there and that it's not going away. The more time goes by the more everyone seems to be ok with things except for me. I feel completely brushed aside by this, like my feelings don't matter and that no one seems to care how deeply this all affects me. It's so fucked up. I don't understand why or how certain people can't see how much it hurts me... or maybe they can and they just don't care or it's just easier to just pretend like it's not even there at all. But it hurts me almost every day and yet there's nothing I can do about it.
I know a lot of this is coming out because I'm completely exhausted from my work week this week. I didn't get a Christmas vacation like everyone else. I didn't get any 4 day weekends. I just busted my ass for the last two month. No breaks. No extended time off. Nothing but long hours on 4 hours of sleep. All this and I have barely enough to support myself.
I feel like I'm walking all over myself. I feel like there is a part of my brain that is begging me to stop, look around, and listen and realize that I can't keep going on like this. Then there is another part that just pushes and pushes and pushes and plows through life because its the only way we are going to survive.
I feel completely brushed aside by life and by those I love right now. I can't keep doing this. I worked all day today, I'm completely exhausted, and yet all I seem to want to do is pace the floor maniacally, in tears. I'm going to break down again if something doesn't give soon. I'll be in the hospital again, and not able to leave the house again, and all fucked up on meds again if I don't get some kind of break.
I'm going to spend tomorrow sleeping for as long as I can and catching up on chores... trying to take care of myself. Then it's back to fucking work... again...
I'm walking around with this bitterness in my heart that I can't shake. I HATE MY JOB. I HATE THE SERVICE INDUSTRY. I'm so exhausted on my days off that I can't even think, let alone put any energy into my artistic efforts or trying to find a better job. I work my ass off and I can never get ahead. I'm exhausted all the time and yet I can't sleep. I've come home 3 nights this week and collapsed on my bed in tears. My friends are too busy/too far away/too fed up with me to care enough to notice how bad off I am. I have little to no support and I have no idea how to ask for help anymore because I feel too pitiful, too much of a burden, too much like I've used up all my support cards over the years.
My relationship isn't giving me what I need. He has no idea how to support me or be there for me or even give me the required attention that a person should give when they love someone. He's clueless. Half the time he has no idea that I'm even upset. I know most of this is my fault because I'm too paralyzed. I can't express how I feel right now to anyone... not even the person who I'm supposed to be in love with. I feel completely cut off from him emotionally. I need him so badly and yet he doesn't seem to notice. I don't want to have to voice it. I don't want to have to say "I need you to be there for me."
I also have this thing that I can't even really talk about to anyone because it's too personal. This is my fault too but I can't let go of how hurt I've been from this and I have constant reminders that it's there and that it's not going away. The more time goes by the more everyone seems to be ok with things except for me. I feel completely brushed aside by this, like my feelings don't matter and that no one seems to care how deeply this all affects me. It's so fucked up. I don't understand why or how certain people can't see how much it hurts me... or maybe they can and they just don't care or it's just easier to just pretend like it's not even there at all. But it hurts me almost every day and yet there's nothing I can do about it.
I know a lot of this is coming out because I'm completely exhausted from my work week this week. I didn't get a Christmas vacation like everyone else. I didn't get any 4 day weekends. I just busted my ass for the last two month. No breaks. No extended time off. Nothing but long hours on 4 hours of sleep. All this and I have barely enough to support myself.
I feel like I'm walking all over myself. I feel like there is a part of my brain that is begging me to stop, look around, and listen and realize that I can't keep going on like this. Then there is another part that just pushes and pushes and pushes and plows through life because its the only way we are going to survive.
I feel completely brushed aside by life and by those I love right now. I can't keep doing this. I worked all day today, I'm completely exhausted, and yet all I seem to want to do is pace the floor maniacally, in tears. I'm going to break down again if something doesn't give soon. I'll be in the hospital again, and not able to leave the house again, and all fucked up on meds again if I don't get some kind of break.
I'm going to spend tomorrow sleeping for as long as I can and catching up on chores... trying to take care of myself. Then it's back to fucking work... again...