Fic: Pants Down
Title: Pants Down
Summary: Moody is suspicious, James and Peter are angry, Sirius is overly enthusiastic, and Remus has no pants. But friends come through, in the end.
Word count: 4,000
Rating: A very mild R for sexual situations
Pairing: Remus/Sirius
Notes: For the rs_small_gifts pinch-hitters. Thanks for doing such a wonderful job! And much heartfelt appreciation to the ever-lovely melandry for beta help. Happy new year, all!
The first thing Remus thought when the wand light shone on his face was This was what they meant when they said "caught with your pants down." It would have been funny had it not been him trapped up against the back door to the Hog's Head, his trousers around his ankles.
The second thing he thought was I'm never going to be able to explain this to my mother.
"Freeze." The voice behind the wand light was gruff, tense, maybe six or eight feet away. In the midnight darkness of the alley, it was hard to make out the face.
Remus opened his mouth silently, but no words would come out.
"Hands up, and keep your wand aimed away from me, where I can see it."
Mouth dry, heart pounding, Remus swallowed hard and raised both hands slowly. His wand was inside the pocket of his robes, but on the offhand chance that the person behind the wand light hadn't noticed what else was going on underneath Remus's robes, he wasn't going to call attention to anything south of his chin.
"Do not Apparate or attempt to use any kind of wandless magic. Apparating or using wandless magic against an Auror or a member of Magical Law Enforcement is punishable with a six month's stay in Akzaban."
Something about the voice seemed awfully familiar...yes, it was. Alastor Moody. If he didn't die of humiliation or spend the rest of his life in Azkaban, Remus realized, he'd be kicked out of the Order after only two meetings.
"I need to see your identification, Lupin. And, er, whoever else is there."
And then he heard it: the faintest of faint whispers, coming from between his knees. "Three...two..."
Thank God for Sirius. Despite the fact that Remus' former roommate was actually a significant part of the problem right now--he was the one who had pulled down Remus' trousers and stuck his head under Remus' robes a few minutes ago--Sirius did tend to keep his wits about him in a crisis.
He must have a plan. Remus breathed out slowly with relief. Sirius always had a plan.
"One."
A firm hand gripped his ankle, and they Apparated away with a pop!
*
"Ouch!"
"Moony!"
"Get your knee out of my stomach!"
They had landed with a painful thud on top of pile of dusty boxes, in a dark and stale storeroom somewhere. Bats flapped around their ears and dust bunnies squirmed underneath their elbows and knees.
Sirius was the first to clamber to his feet, wiping his mouth on the back of his sleeve and glancing around the room curiously.
"Where are we?"
"No idea," Remus said, trying not to sound too sulky. Either Sirius was a hero for getting them out of that situation or he'd got them into deep trouble, running from the law; Remus hadn't made up his mind yet. "You were the one in charge."
"Oh, right," Sirius said. "I was. All body parts still attached?" Remus wiggled his fingers and toes, just to be certain. Everything was still there, though his heart was still beating so loudly he thought he could he can hear it echo of the walls.
"None of this would have happened had you just waited until we got back to the flat," Remus said sourly. "Your head's in your pants, and I don't think at all. This is why James isn't talking to us."
Sirius snorted. "I don't know what that was about. What else goes on behind the Hog's Head? Magical Law Enforcement's got better things to do with its time." He had his wand out now, lit, and a weak beam of light skittered first over Remus, then over the boxes, then over the wall behind them. "A little public indecency in a dark alley never hurt anyone."
"Hmph," Remus said. It was true; there was a war going on, and there had to be witches and wizards much more deserving of time in Azkaban than Sirius, whose only crime was a lack of patience, or Remus, who couldn't seem to say no.
Azkaban. Alastor Moody. His mother.
Oh, god, how would he explain this to his mother? Remus groaned inwardly and struggled to sit up. The boxes were awfully uncomfortable, and his arse was...
His arse was slightly cold. Remus slid a hand under the hem of his robes. Oh, god.
"Sirius, where are my trousers? Where are my pants?"
Sirius seemed thoroughly unconcerned. "I banished them. Didn't want you tripping as we made our escape."
"Thanks," Remus said dryly. Somehow lacking trousers made everything worse.
"So?" Sirius asked, with a half-smile Remus knew all too well. "I've improved, haven't I?"
It was the final straw, it really was.
"SIRIUS, WE'RE GOING TO GO TO AZKABAN," Remus exploded. "WE'RE GOING TO BE KICKED OUT OF THE ORDER AND OUR MOTHERS ARE NEVER GOING TO SPEAK TO US AGAIN--well, mine, at least, yours has already caught on--" Remus took a deep breath. "AND GIVEN THE SITUATION I DON'T GIVE A DAMN IF YOU'VE FINALLY LEARNED HOW TO GIVE A DECENT BLOWJOB."
Sirius sniggered. "I meant Apparating like that, but you're welcome."
"Oh," Remus said, a little sheepish. "Right." Sirius had improved, actually; Remus still wasn't confident enough to do Side-Along Apparition, certainly not under pressure like that. "Well, I'd be happier if we weren't facing a six-month term in Azkaban when the Aurors catch up with us."
"We're not going to Azkaban," Sirius said. "I'm surprised they've caught any dark wizards, if that's how they apprehend them. Or perverts like us, for that matter. Is that how the Ministry works, on the honor system?"
"I bet they're waiting for us at my parent's house right now," Remus said darkly.
"Nah," Sirius said, but at that very moment they both heard an ominous creak, and a square patch of light appeared above their heads. For the second time that night, Remus squinted into glaring wand light.
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" a woman screamed. "Intruders!"
And before they could Apparate again, a sticky sweet net fell over their heads, and Remus felt his body stiffen with the uncomfortable sensation of Impedimeta.
*
"Calm down, ma'am. We have things under control."
It turned out that, in the moment of crisis, Sirius had unthinkingly Apparated them to one of their old haunts, the cellar of Honeydukes, and old Mrs Kettleworthy proved to be far more efficient at apprehending dangerous criminals than Alastor Moody. What's more, she wouldn't hear a word they had to say once she levitated them into the candy shop above. Either because the Ministry's fright tactics had set her on edge or because she remembered the two of them skulking about, manhandling the ice mice and trying to get into her basement, she Floo'd for an Auror immediately.
Within ten minutes, Kingsley Shacklebolt had arrived and begun pacing back and forth in the empty candy shop, while Remus and Sirius pulled bits of Toothflossing Stringmint netting off their robes, trying to avoid the gaze of a tiny white-haired witch in her dressing gown.
It was good someone was taking charge. Remus found it oddly comforting to see Kingsley again--Kingsley, who had been a kind, brotherly Head Boy when he and Sirius were second years and who had no idea how much trouble they got in after he left. Hopefully his House loyalty hadn't waned over the years.
Kingsley smiled at Remus and Sirius half-heartedly. "I'm sure these two nice young men have a perfectly reasonable explanation."
"Yes, sir," Sirius said. "Although Remus can probably explain better than I can."
"It was a mistake," Remus began. "Hasty Apparition, not what it looks like at all--"
"Dark wizards!" old Mrs Kettleworthy hissed. "Or candy thieves."
Kingsley sighed and rubbed his temples. "Let's head back to the Ministry, boys?" he said. "I'm sure a rational conversation and good cup of coffee will help sort this all out."
*
Years later, Remus would remember the night he and Sirius spent in a cell in the bowels of the Ministry as a turning point in his young life.
Well, it wasn't a cell, not exactly. More like an empty office with a charm cast on the door. But it was a turning point, nevertheless.
Alastor Moody was waiting for them back at the silent, empty Ministry, looking twice as unapproachable as he looked at Order meetings. He looked up from the report he was writing, collected their Apparition licenses silently, and pointed toward the door to the nearest office. "Go," he said.
Remus and Sirius sat down on office chairs at opposite sides of the room, an enormous, messy desk and two threatening-looking houseplants between them. Moody closed and charmed the door, but outside they could hear Kingsley and Mrs Kettleworthy rehearsing the capture in excruciating detail.
Sirius began peeling the last of the Toothflossing Stringmint off his robes. Remus put his head in his hands and sighed.
It was all Sirius's fault, he decided. Recently, Sirius had gone from being difficult and troublesome, his usual self, to being the source of almost all of Remus' problems, and Remus was fooling himself if he thought a few blowjobs were balancing the scales.
Things had been bad enough back when they were roommates at school. Pranks were pranks, but Sirius was the one who did genuinely stupid things. There was the incident with Snape, the incident with McGonagall, both incidents with Lily just before NEWTS, and the incident-to-end-all-incidents involving Peter and the luggage trolley and Lily's sister Petunia at Kings Cross as they got off the Hogwarts Express for the very last time.
And that was fine; these things happen. They didn't like Petunia anyway.
But ever since Sirius had haltingly admitted to Remus that he'd finally ended nineteen and a half years of virginity with Davy Gudgeon's older brother, Remus' life had started falling apart.
First, he'd slept with Sirius almost immediately. Admittedly, this was entirely Remus' fault, as he was the experienced one in their relationship--he certainly hadn't waited nineteen and a half years for anything--and Remus knew that one should never, ever sleep with friends who were just beginning to explore their sexuality. Disaster, every time. It was a lapse of judgment on his part, and Remus took responsibility for that.
Then Sirius took James and Peter to a gay pub in Muggle London. Remus, who had yet to say anything to anyone about his familiarity with London's gay pubs, overheard the plans but didn't manage to call a halt to them soon enough.
Afterward, a huffy Peter stopped talking to both of them.
Sirius, naturally, didn't understand why Remus was upset. "Had Peter not been such an arse, I might have got lucky," Sirius said two days later over a morning cup of coffee. (Remus had, unfortunately, slept with Sirius again after he finished scolding him; another lapse in judgment.)
"He wasn't an arse, Sirius," Remus said. A red-faced, spluttering James had relayed the whole story to him, and Remus' sympathies lay entirely with Peter. "He was so uncomfortable he was hiding in the loo."
Sirius smiled a slow, evil smile. "And what a good idea that was."
"But why won't Peter talk to me?" Remus asked; that was the important question.
Sirius shrugged. "Might have something to do with the fact you weren't there," he said pointedly, and Remus sighed; there was no way to win with Peter, sometimes.
Then two weeks ago Sirius had seduced his cousin Bellatrix's husband. Purely for the challenge of it, as Sirius told a flabbergasted Remus. That would have been bad enough on its own, since Bellatrix was insanely jealous and Rodolphus was widely known to be a Death Eater, and unattractive to boot. But the next day the warming charm at Sirius' flat gave out, and Sirius asked if he could stay with Remus at his parents' house for a few days. When Andromeda showed up on their doorstep, livid and uncensored in a way unique to the Black clan, Sirius yelled back at her, and Remus' parents had discovered much more about the sex life of both their son and his former roommate than they ever wanted to know.
Seeing as Remus hadn't yet managed to find a job that would allow him to rent his own flat and Sirius had been sleeping in Remus' room, this incident made for several very uncomfortable family dinners. Ever hospitable, Remus' parents made him, not Sirius, take the couch.
And then, finally, just a few days ago, Sirius declared that he no longer planned to be James' best man, since he had no intention of supporting James' romantic exploits if James didn't support his.
"This is like declaring war on him, Sirius," Remus said, worried. Unlike torturing Peter or seducing confirmed Death Eaters or inadvertently outing friends to their parents, dumping James was serious business with serious consequences. They were at a Muggle cafe in a dull London suburb so this conversation would not end in bed, or on the floor, or against the wall.
"His fault, not mine," Sirius said.
Remus sighed.
"What?" Sirius asked.
"You have to talk to him," Remus said firmly. Now that both Peter and James weren’t speaking with him, all their communication had to go through a very annoyed Lily, who appeared in his parents' Floo several times a day. Confused, Remus' mother asked him if perhaps there had been a mistake, if Remus liked girls again. The situation was clearly untenable.
"Just send him an owl," Remus said.
"No," Sirius said. Then he put a hand on Remus' thigh, under the table, and Remus could feel reason flowing out of his brain. He resisted the urge to retreat to the loo. For James.
"You know how much the wedding means to him," Remus said.
"No," Sirius said, running a finger along the inseam of Remus' trousers.
"Give him time," Remus said, swallowing hard. "You just need to stop taking him places where he feels uncomfortable. Eventually, he'll come around. Perhaps if you find a nice boyfriend, if you're more discreet."
Sirius gave him an odd look. "It's the principle of the thing," he said. "You understand, don't you, Moony?"
At the time, Remus didn't. His parents were embarrassed and awkward around him, and his mother was crying all the time. Two of his three best friends had stopped speaking to him, and Remus rather thought he didn't understand this matter of principle at all.
Sirius made his life difficult, that's all that he knew. As they latched the door to the loo behind them, Remus silently cursed Sirius and prayed that the nice woman who'd served them their tea didn't wonder what had happened to them.
But that night, as he and Sirius sat silently in the messy office at the Ministry, waiting for Mrs Kettleworthy to finish her story, Remus had another realization: he didn't care. Life was difficult anyway, wasn't it?
And was anyone else offering him blowjobs behind the Hog's Head?
"Sirius?" he whispered.
"Yeah?" Sirius asked, glancing up at him, biting his lip.
Remus grinned shyly. Funny how different it felt, when Sirius was a matter of saying yes and not merely not saying no. "I'm still not wearing any pants," he said.
Sirius grinned back. "Ministry bureaucracy moves slowly," he said.
"And Kingsley seems like the kind of bloke who'd knock first," Remus said. "Especially if Moody's filled him in on the evening's events."
"Whose desk do you suppose this is?" Sirius asked.
Remus laughed and clambered on top of it. "Moody's?"
*
It was almost dawn by the time Kingsley Shacklebolt and Alastor Moody appeared in their cell, if the charmed window and the yawning houseplant were anything to go by.
"Boys," Moody said gruffly staring somewhere over both their heads. "It seems you've both had a long night."
"Yes, sir," Sirius said. "And not in a good way."
Remus could have sworn that Kingsley snorted.
"Black, I need to tell you I was following you and Lupin earlier tonight," Moody said. "Suspicious activity. There'd been reports that you were seen consorting with a confirmed Death Eater two weeks ago Thursday."
"Rumors," Sirius said, but Remus felt his heart drop.
"Nevertheless, we want to keep you both here for questioning," Moody said, eyeing them both carefully. "Someone should be in at nine to administer some Veritaserum, and then if all's well, you can be on your way."
"Yes, sir," Sirius said. "But could I Floo someone first?"
Remus felt a wave of relief. He'd forgotten that Sirius' family, hostile and estranged though it was, had enough gold and influence to get him out of tight situations. A solicitor might help. A call to Gringott's might be in order. Andromeda was probably not the best person to Floo right now, but Sirius' father was notoriously ignorant of family scandal and not nearly as angry with Sirius as Sirius's mother said he was.
Moody nodded curtly. "Fine. We just want to sort things out."
"Good thinking," Remus whispered.
Sirius smiled. "If anyone can get us out of this situation, James can."
*
"Sirius?" James' face in the Floo was screwed up in a sleepy, puzzled expression Remus hadn't seen in a long time. He looked oddly childish without his glasses, his elbows resting on the hearth. "What's going on?"
Lily's pinched face appeared in the Floo beside his. "Ministry, did you say? What are you doing there this early in the morning? Kingsley, is that you?"
"Hi, Lily!" Kingsley said cheerfully. Moody cleared his throat, and Kingsley retreated. "Miss Evans, we have friends of yours here, detained on account of some, ah, suspect activities last night." Moody cleared his throat again. "And some concerns about Black's whereabouts two weeks ago."
"James," Sirius said slowly. "We thought you might be able to come here and help explain the, er, misunderstanding that seems to have arisen around my relationship with Rodolphus Lestrange."
This, Remus thought, was the difference between him and Sirius. It wasn't just that Remus didn't bring his straight friends to gay pubs, that he didn't care for sex in public, that he valued his life enough to steer clear of married Death Eaters. It never would have occurred to Remus to ask a friend who was currently not on speaking terms with him, one he'd cut off in no uncertain terms just a few days earlier, to come to the Ministry and help negotiate a truce with Alastor Moody.
But James listened carefully to Sirius' vague and meandering story about bad judgment outside the Hog's Head and misunderstanding in the cellar of Honeydukes, and he somehow intuited that the mysterious allusion to Bellatrix's husband meant something was very, very wrong.
"We'll be there in half an hour," James said immediately when Sirius finished. "And we'll bring Dumbledore."
It was as if the entire room let out a sigh of relief at the mention of Dumbledore's name. Moody nodded curtly, Kingsley smiled, Lily patted James on the arm, and Remus let out a breath he didn't realize he'd been holding.
"The sooner this is resolved, the better," Moody said. "I have real work to do."
"Do you need anything else?" Lily asked. "Do you want me to owl your parents, Remus? They must be worried."
After a quick glance over his shoulder at Moody, Remus leaned close to the Floo. "Bring pants," he whispered.
"What?" Moody barked.
"They're at his aunt's, sir," Sirius said. "Remus is very close to his parents. It's why he has such good manners."
Kingsley snorted, an explosive half-snort that turned into a cough. Remus smiled politely.
*
In the end, James and Lily showed up with Peter and Dumbledore in tow. James had slicked down his hair with potion and wore dark blue dress robes and a star-spangled hat, which made him look at least twenty-two. Peter shook hands with Kingsley and asked if he'd seen the Wasps play on Saturday. Lily surreptitiously slid a pair of James' Golden Snitch underpants into Remus' hand when no one was looking, and Dumbledore disappeared into a cubicle with Moody.
In half an hour, everything had been sorted, and there was no more talk about Rodolphus Lestrange or Veritaserum. Moody said they were free to go, and Dumbledore nodded and said that all was well that ended well, but Remus was fairly sure it would be a long, long time before he and Sirius were allowed to do anything but fetch tea for the senior members of the Order.
Moody signed their release papers without a word. Remus hoped that he had Obliviated his memories of their last encounter; he certainly planned on doing so. Kingsley returned their Apparition licenses. Dumbledore stepped into the Floo without a goodbye or his customary twinkle.
Remus, Sirius, Lily, James, and Peter all went back to Peter's flat for breakfast. All was not completely forgiven, Remus realized, when he and Sirius got the burnt eggs and the smallest tomatoes. But they were talking again, however awkwardly, which was good thing.
"What did you tell Dumbledore?" Remus asked.
James shrugged. "He knows how hard it is to be part of Sirius' family," he said. "Rumors everywhere these days."
"Speaking of rumors," Sirius said. "I heard one about Remus."
Remus glared at him, and James cut his tomatoes with extra-special attention.
"Moony is gay, too, did he tell you?" Sirius asked nonchalantly. "He says I've finally learned how to give a decent blow job."
The room fell silent; even Peter put his fork down.
"Really?" Lily asked at last, smiling at Sirius. "Do you swallow? I haven't got that down yet."
"Did I tell you we got a lifetime ban from Honeydukes?" Remus asked desperately.
"Was it old Kettleworthy?" James asked. "She's been suspicious about us for years. We should have been more careful, used other passages back to the castle."
"Now you'll have to get me real gifts for Christmas," Peter said, attacking his eggs again. "Even I get bored with candy sometimes."
"Speaking of late-adolescent boys who can't keep it in their pants," Lily said. "I'm pregnant. We're moving up the wedding so I can still fit in my dress."
Peter continued eating right through this announcement, so Remus figured it was old news.
"Congratulations," he said. Sirius nodded.
"Petunia's finally agreed to be my maid of honor," Lily said. "She's excited to dance with James' handsome best friend."
James snorted. "See if I ask that wanker again," he said. "Pete? Want to be my best man?"
"Instead of Sirius, you mean?" Peter asked. "Oh, wait, I am the handsome best friend now." He smirked at Remus and Sirius. "Thanks, mates."
*
And that, as they say, was that. James and Lily were married, a little sooner than planned. Sirius was best man, after all. Peter wasn't happy about his demotion, but he was a loyal friend and agreed to escort James' elderly great-aunt instead. Sirius enjoyed himself, sarcastic comments about marriage aside, and everyone's pants stayed on the whole time.
Unfortunately, however, the elderly great-aunt was Bellatrix Lestrange, disguised with Polyjuice Potion. Bellatrix rarely forgot a slight, and Peter wasn't hopeless or unattractive, despite what his friends said. They had a nice, long conversation about Peter's future while James and Lily danced. As Andromeda told Remus and Sirius years later, Bellatrix always thought Peter had potential.
Andromeda raised an single stern, Black eyebrow as she recounted the story. "Unlike you or your other friends, Sirius, that was what she meant to say." Andromeda never minced words, not even when her favorite cousin reappeared on her doorstep after a long absence, looking for a decent meal and a little company. Sirius looked cross, but Remus couldn't help thinking Bellatrix had seen something they'd all missed, and wondering.
For his own part, Remus neglected to tell his parents about the wedding, and they hoped for years that he would finally get together with that nice Evans girl.
Neither Remus nor Sirius was ever caught with their pants down again, although one time Kingsley found them kissing in the storeroom at Honeydukes while Moody and the Order rounded up half a dozen Death Eaters out front. Kingsley may have suspected that Sirius pocketed some candy on the way out, but his House loyalty was strong, and he was never very fond of old Mrs Kettleworthy. Neither Remus nor Sirius went to Azkaban, at least not immediately.
And in the end, Sirius managed to escape, anyway.
And as for Moody, well, by the time second war rolled around and Remus and Sirius were living in Grimmauld Place, Moody had finally relaxed enough to give them some serious Order responsibilities. He's never looked Remus in the eye again, though, not once, and now he always knocks before entering.
Remus has grown quite proud of that over the years, actually.
Especially because it's been a long while since he's done anything interesting anywhere other than bed.
*
Originally posted here.
*
Thanks to glass_icarus, jadis31, klynie1, krabapple, lazy_neutrino, rosemaryandrue, sambethe, wook77, and xylodemon, all of whom generously stepped in at the eleventh hour--over the holiday!--and offered to write or draw for the exchange on short notice. Thank you all! This fic is for you.
rs_small_gifts has posted its 2007 Master List here. Stop by and take a look if you haven't been following this comm for the past few weeks. There's been some great fic and art posted. Thanks to everyone for participating and bringing such joy to the holiday season!
May 2008 be filled with as much wonderful fic and art as 2007 was!
Summary: Moody is suspicious, James and Peter are angry, Sirius is overly enthusiastic, and Remus has no pants. But friends come through, in the end.
Word count: 4,000
Rating: A very mild R for sexual situations
Pairing: Remus/Sirius
Notes: For the rs_small_gifts pinch-hitters. Thanks for doing such a wonderful job! And much heartfelt appreciation to the ever-lovely melandry for beta help. Happy new year, all!
The first thing Remus thought when the wand light shone on his face was This was what they meant when they said "caught with your pants down." It would have been funny had it not been him trapped up against the back door to the Hog's Head, his trousers around his ankles.
The second thing he thought was I'm never going to be able to explain this to my mother.
"Freeze." The voice behind the wand light was gruff, tense, maybe six or eight feet away. In the midnight darkness of the alley, it was hard to make out the face.
Remus opened his mouth silently, but no words would come out.
"Hands up, and keep your wand aimed away from me, where I can see it."
Mouth dry, heart pounding, Remus swallowed hard and raised both hands slowly. His wand was inside the pocket of his robes, but on the offhand chance that the person behind the wand light hadn't noticed what else was going on underneath Remus's robes, he wasn't going to call attention to anything south of his chin.
"Do not Apparate or attempt to use any kind of wandless magic. Apparating or using wandless magic against an Auror or a member of Magical Law Enforcement is punishable with a six month's stay in Akzaban."
Something about the voice seemed awfully familiar...yes, it was. Alastor Moody. If he didn't die of humiliation or spend the rest of his life in Azkaban, Remus realized, he'd be kicked out of the Order after only two meetings.
"I need to see your identification, Lupin. And, er, whoever else is there."
And then he heard it: the faintest of faint whispers, coming from between his knees. "Three...two..."
Thank God for Sirius. Despite the fact that Remus' former roommate was actually a significant part of the problem right now--he was the one who had pulled down Remus' trousers and stuck his head under Remus' robes a few minutes ago--Sirius did tend to keep his wits about him in a crisis.
He must have a plan. Remus breathed out slowly with relief. Sirius always had a plan.
"One."
A firm hand gripped his ankle, and they Apparated away with a pop!
*
"Ouch!"
"Moony!"
"Get your knee out of my stomach!"
They had landed with a painful thud on top of pile of dusty boxes, in a dark and stale storeroom somewhere. Bats flapped around their ears and dust bunnies squirmed underneath their elbows and knees.
Sirius was the first to clamber to his feet, wiping his mouth on the back of his sleeve and glancing around the room curiously.
"Where are we?"
"No idea," Remus said, trying not to sound too sulky. Either Sirius was a hero for getting them out of that situation or he'd got them into deep trouble, running from the law; Remus hadn't made up his mind yet. "You were the one in charge."
"Oh, right," Sirius said. "I was. All body parts still attached?" Remus wiggled his fingers and toes, just to be certain. Everything was still there, though his heart was still beating so loudly he thought he could he can hear it echo of the walls.
"None of this would have happened had you just waited until we got back to the flat," Remus said sourly. "Your head's in your pants, and I don't think at all. This is why James isn't talking to us."
Sirius snorted. "I don't know what that was about. What else goes on behind the Hog's Head? Magical Law Enforcement's got better things to do with its time." He had his wand out now, lit, and a weak beam of light skittered first over Remus, then over the boxes, then over the wall behind them. "A little public indecency in a dark alley never hurt anyone."
"Hmph," Remus said. It was true; there was a war going on, and there had to be witches and wizards much more deserving of time in Azkaban than Sirius, whose only crime was a lack of patience, or Remus, who couldn't seem to say no.
Azkaban. Alastor Moody. His mother.
Oh, god, how would he explain this to his mother? Remus groaned inwardly and struggled to sit up. The boxes were awfully uncomfortable, and his arse was...
His arse was slightly cold. Remus slid a hand under the hem of his robes. Oh, god.
"Sirius, where are my trousers? Where are my pants?"
Sirius seemed thoroughly unconcerned. "I banished them. Didn't want you tripping as we made our escape."
"Thanks," Remus said dryly. Somehow lacking trousers made everything worse.
"So?" Sirius asked, with a half-smile Remus knew all too well. "I've improved, haven't I?"
It was the final straw, it really was.
"SIRIUS, WE'RE GOING TO GO TO AZKABAN," Remus exploded. "WE'RE GOING TO BE KICKED OUT OF THE ORDER AND OUR MOTHERS ARE NEVER GOING TO SPEAK TO US AGAIN--well, mine, at least, yours has already caught on--" Remus took a deep breath. "AND GIVEN THE SITUATION I DON'T GIVE A DAMN IF YOU'VE FINALLY LEARNED HOW TO GIVE A DECENT BLOWJOB."
Sirius sniggered. "I meant Apparating like that, but you're welcome."
"Oh," Remus said, a little sheepish. "Right." Sirius had improved, actually; Remus still wasn't confident enough to do Side-Along Apparition, certainly not under pressure like that. "Well, I'd be happier if we weren't facing a six-month term in Azkaban when the Aurors catch up with us."
"We're not going to Azkaban," Sirius said. "I'm surprised they've caught any dark wizards, if that's how they apprehend them. Or perverts like us, for that matter. Is that how the Ministry works, on the honor system?"
"I bet they're waiting for us at my parent's house right now," Remus said darkly.
"Nah," Sirius said, but at that very moment they both heard an ominous creak, and a square patch of light appeared above their heads. For the second time that night, Remus squinted into glaring wand light.
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" a woman screamed. "Intruders!"
And before they could Apparate again, a sticky sweet net fell over their heads, and Remus felt his body stiffen with the uncomfortable sensation of Impedimeta.
*
"Calm down, ma'am. We have things under control."
It turned out that, in the moment of crisis, Sirius had unthinkingly Apparated them to one of their old haunts, the cellar of Honeydukes, and old Mrs Kettleworthy proved to be far more efficient at apprehending dangerous criminals than Alastor Moody. What's more, she wouldn't hear a word they had to say once she levitated them into the candy shop above. Either because the Ministry's fright tactics had set her on edge or because she remembered the two of them skulking about, manhandling the ice mice and trying to get into her basement, she Floo'd for an Auror immediately.
Within ten minutes, Kingsley Shacklebolt had arrived and begun pacing back and forth in the empty candy shop, while Remus and Sirius pulled bits of Toothflossing Stringmint netting off their robes, trying to avoid the gaze of a tiny white-haired witch in her dressing gown.
It was good someone was taking charge. Remus found it oddly comforting to see Kingsley again--Kingsley, who had been a kind, brotherly Head Boy when he and Sirius were second years and who had no idea how much trouble they got in after he left. Hopefully his House loyalty hadn't waned over the years.
Kingsley smiled at Remus and Sirius half-heartedly. "I'm sure these two nice young men have a perfectly reasonable explanation."
"Yes, sir," Sirius said. "Although Remus can probably explain better than I can."
"It was a mistake," Remus began. "Hasty Apparition, not what it looks like at all--"
"Dark wizards!" old Mrs Kettleworthy hissed. "Or candy thieves."
Kingsley sighed and rubbed his temples. "Let's head back to the Ministry, boys?" he said. "I'm sure a rational conversation and good cup of coffee will help sort this all out."
*
Years later, Remus would remember the night he and Sirius spent in a cell in the bowels of the Ministry as a turning point in his young life.
Well, it wasn't a cell, not exactly. More like an empty office with a charm cast on the door. But it was a turning point, nevertheless.
Alastor Moody was waiting for them back at the silent, empty Ministry, looking twice as unapproachable as he looked at Order meetings. He looked up from the report he was writing, collected their Apparition licenses silently, and pointed toward the door to the nearest office. "Go," he said.
Remus and Sirius sat down on office chairs at opposite sides of the room, an enormous, messy desk and two threatening-looking houseplants between them. Moody closed and charmed the door, but outside they could hear Kingsley and Mrs Kettleworthy rehearsing the capture in excruciating detail.
Sirius began peeling the last of the Toothflossing Stringmint off his robes. Remus put his head in his hands and sighed.
It was all Sirius's fault, he decided. Recently, Sirius had gone from being difficult and troublesome, his usual self, to being the source of almost all of Remus' problems, and Remus was fooling himself if he thought a few blowjobs were balancing the scales.
Things had been bad enough back when they were roommates at school. Pranks were pranks, but Sirius was the one who did genuinely stupid things. There was the incident with Snape, the incident with McGonagall, both incidents with Lily just before NEWTS, and the incident-to-end-all-incidents involving Peter and the luggage trolley and Lily's sister Petunia at Kings Cross as they got off the Hogwarts Express for the very last time.
And that was fine; these things happen. They didn't like Petunia anyway.
But ever since Sirius had haltingly admitted to Remus that he'd finally ended nineteen and a half years of virginity with Davy Gudgeon's older brother, Remus' life had started falling apart.
First, he'd slept with Sirius almost immediately. Admittedly, this was entirely Remus' fault, as he was the experienced one in their relationship--he certainly hadn't waited nineteen and a half years for anything--and Remus knew that one should never, ever sleep with friends who were just beginning to explore their sexuality. Disaster, every time. It was a lapse of judgment on his part, and Remus took responsibility for that.
Then Sirius took James and Peter to a gay pub in Muggle London. Remus, who had yet to say anything to anyone about his familiarity with London's gay pubs, overheard the plans but didn't manage to call a halt to them soon enough.
Afterward, a huffy Peter stopped talking to both of them.
Sirius, naturally, didn't understand why Remus was upset. "Had Peter not been such an arse, I might have got lucky," Sirius said two days later over a morning cup of coffee. (Remus had, unfortunately, slept with Sirius again after he finished scolding him; another lapse in judgment.)
"He wasn't an arse, Sirius," Remus said. A red-faced, spluttering James had relayed the whole story to him, and Remus' sympathies lay entirely with Peter. "He was so uncomfortable he was hiding in the loo."
Sirius smiled a slow, evil smile. "And what a good idea that was."
"But why won't Peter talk to me?" Remus asked; that was the important question.
Sirius shrugged. "Might have something to do with the fact you weren't there," he said pointedly, and Remus sighed; there was no way to win with Peter, sometimes.
Then two weeks ago Sirius had seduced his cousin Bellatrix's husband. Purely for the challenge of it, as Sirius told a flabbergasted Remus. That would have been bad enough on its own, since Bellatrix was insanely jealous and Rodolphus was widely known to be a Death Eater, and unattractive to boot. But the next day the warming charm at Sirius' flat gave out, and Sirius asked if he could stay with Remus at his parents' house for a few days. When Andromeda showed up on their doorstep, livid and uncensored in a way unique to the Black clan, Sirius yelled back at her, and Remus' parents had discovered much more about the sex life of both their son and his former roommate than they ever wanted to know.
Seeing as Remus hadn't yet managed to find a job that would allow him to rent his own flat and Sirius had been sleeping in Remus' room, this incident made for several very uncomfortable family dinners. Ever hospitable, Remus' parents made him, not Sirius, take the couch.
And then, finally, just a few days ago, Sirius declared that he no longer planned to be James' best man, since he had no intention of supporting James' romantic exploits if James didn't support his.
"This is like declaring war on him, Sirius," Remus said, worried. Unlike torturing Peter or seducing confirmed Death Eaters or inadvertently outing friends to their parents, dumping James was serious business with serious consequences. They were at a Muggle cafe in a dull London suburb so this conversation would not end in bed, or on the floor, or against the wall.
"His fault, not mine," Sirius said.
Remus sighed.
"What?" Sirius asked.
"You have to talk to him," Remus said firmly. Now that both Peter and James weren’t speaking with him, all their communication had to go through a very annoyed Lily, who appeared in his parents' Floo several times a day. Confused, Remus' mother asked him if perhaps there had been a mistake, if Remus liked girls again. The situation was clearly untenable.
"Just send him an owl," Remus said.
"No," Sirius said. Then he put a hand on Remus' thigh, under the table, and Remus could feel reason flowing out of his brain. He resisted the urge to retreat to the loo. For James.
"You know how much the wedding means to him," Remus said.
"No," Sirius said, running a finger along the inseam of Remus' trousers.
"Give him time," Remus said, swallowing hard. "You just need to stop taking him places where he feels uncomfortable. Eventually, he'll come around. Perhaps if you find a nice boyfriend, if you're more discreet."
Sirius gave him an odd look. "It's the principle of the thing," he said. "You understand, don't you, Moony?"
At the time, Remus didn't. His parents were embarrassed and awkward around him, and his mother was crying all the time. Two of his three best friends had stopped speaking to him, and Remus rather thought he didn't understand this matter of principle at all.
Sirius made his life difficult, that's all that he knew. As they latched the door to the loo behind them, Remus silently cursed Sirius and prayed that the nice woman who'd served them their tea didn't wonder what had happened to them.
But that night, as he and Sirius sat silently in the messy office at the Ministry, waiting for Mrs Kettleworthy to finish her story, Remus had another realization: he didn't care. Life was difficult anyway, wasn't it?
And was anyone else offering him blowjobs behind the Hog's Head?
"Sirius?" he whispered.
"Yeah?" Sirius asked, glancing up at him, biting his lip.
Remus grinned shyly. Funny how different it felt, when Sirius was a matter of saying yes and not merely not saying no. "I'm still not wearing any pants," he said.
Sirius grinned back. "Ministry bureaucracy moves slowly," he said.
"And Kingsley seems like the kind of bloke who'd knock first," Remus said. "Especially if Moody's filled him in on the evening's events."
"Whose desk do you suppose this is?" Sirius asked.
Remus laughed and clambered on top of it. "Moody's?"
*
It was almost dawn by the time Kingsley Shacklebolt and Alastor Moody appeared in their cell, if the charmed window and the yawning houseplant were anything to go by.
"Boys," Moody said gruffly staring somewhere over both their heads. "It seems you've both had a long night."
"Yes, sir," Sirius said. "And not in a good way."
Remus could have sworn that Kingsley snorted.
"Black, I need to tell you I was following you and Lupin earlier tonight," Moody said. "Suspicious activity. There'd been reports that you were seen consorting with a confirmed Death Eater two weeks ago Thursday."
"Rumors," Sirius said, but Remus felt his heart drop.
"Nevertheless, we want to keep you both here for questioning," Moody said, eyeing them both carefully. "Someone should be in at nine to administer some Veritaserum, and then if all's well, you can be on your way."
"Yes, sir," Sirius said. "But could I Floo someone first?"
Remus felt a wave of relief. He'd forgotten that Sirius' family, hostile and estranged though it was, had enough gold and influence to get him out of tight situations. A solicitor might help. A call to Gringott's might be in order. Andromeda was probably not the best person to Floo right now, but Sirius' father was notoriously ignorant of family scandal and not nearly as angry with Sirius as Sirius's mother said he was.
Moody nodded curtly. "Fine. We just want to sort things out."
"Good thinking," Remus whispered.
Sirius smiled. "If anyone can get us out of this situation, James can."
*
"Sirius?" James' face in the Floo was screwed up in a sleepy, puzzled expression Remus hadn't seen in a long time. He looked oddly childish without his glasses, his elbows resting on the hearth. "What's going on?"
Lily's pinched face appeared in the Floo beside his. "Ministry, did you say? What are you doing there this early in the morning? Kingsley, is that you?"
"Hi, Lily!" Kingsley said cheerfully. Moody cleared his throat, and Kingsley retreated. "Miss Evans, we have friends of yours here, detained on account of some, ah, suspect activities last night." Moody cleared his throat again. "And some concerns about Black's whereabouts two weeks ago."
"James," Sirius said slowly. "We thought you might be able to come here and help explain the, er, misunderstanding that seems to have arisen around my relationship with Rodolphus Lestrange."
This, Remus thought, was the difference between him and Sirius. It wasn't just that Remus didn't bring his straight friends to gay pubs, that he didn't care for sex in public, that he valued his life enough to steer clear of married Death Eaters. It never would have occurred to Remus to ask a friend who was currently not on speaking terms with him, one he'd cut off in no uncertain terms just a few days earlier, to come to the Ministry and help negotiate a truce with Alastor Moody.
But James listened carefully to Sirius' vague and meandering story about bad judgment outside the Hog's Head and misunderstanding in the cellar of Honeydukes, and he somehow intuited that the mysterious allusion to Bellatrix's husband meant something was very, very wrong.
"We'll be there in half an hour," James said immediately when Sirius finished. "And we'll bring Dumbledore."
It was as if the entire room let out a sigh of relief at the mention of Dumbledore's name. Moody nodded curtly, Kingsley smiled, Lily patted James on the arm, and Remus let out a breath he didn't realize he'd been holding.
"The sooner this is resolved, the better," Moody said. "I have real work to do."
"Do you need anything else?" Lily asked. "Do you want me to owl your parents, Remus? They must be worried."
After a quick glance over his shoulder at Moody, Remus leaned close to the Floo. "Bring pants," he whispered.
"What?" Moody barked.
"They're at his aunt's, sir," Sirius said. "Remus is very close to his parents. It's why he has such good manners."
Kingsley snorted, an explosive half-snort that turned into a cough. Remus smiled politely.
*
In the end, James and Lily showed up with Peter and Dumbledore in tow. James had slicked down his hair with potion and wore dark blue dress robes and a star-spangled hat, which made him look at least twenty-two. Peter shook hands with Kingsley and asked if he'd seen the Wasps play on Saturday. Lily surreptitiously slid a pair of James' Golden Snitch underpants into Remus' hand when no one was looking, and Dumbledore disappeared into a cubicle with Moody.
In half an hour, everything had been sorted, and there was no more talk about Rodolphus Lestrange or Veritaserum. Moody said they were free to go, and Dumbledore nodded and said that all was well that ended well, but Remus was fairly sure it would be a long, long time before he and Sirius were allowed to do anything but fetch tea for the senior members of the Order.
Moody signed their release papers without a word. Remus hoped that he had Obliviated his memories of their last encounter; he certainly planned on doing so. Kingsley returned their Apparition licenses. Dumbledore stepped into the Floo without a goodbye or his customary twinkle.
Remus, Sirius, Lily, James, and Peter all went back to Peter's flat for breakfast. All was not completely forgiven, Remus realized, when he and Sirius got the burnt eggs and the smallest tomatoes. But they were talking again, however awkwardly, which was good thing.
"What did you tell Dumbledore?" Remus asked.
James shrugged. "He knows how hard it is to be part of Sirius' family," he said. "Rumors everywhere these days."
"Speaking of rumors," Sirius said. "I heard one about Remus."
Remus glared at him, and James cut his tomatoes with extra-special attention.
"Moony is gay, too, did he tell you?" Sirius asked nonchalantly. "He says I've finally learned how to give a decent blow job."
The room fell silent; even Peter put his fork down.
"Really?" Lily asked at last, smiling at Sirius. "Do you swallow? I haven't got that down yet."
"Did I tell you we got a lifetime ban from Honeydukes?" Remus asked desperately.
"Was it old Kettleworthy?" James asked. "She's been suspicious about us for years. We should have been more careful, used other passages back to the castle."
"Now you'll have to get me real gifts for Christmas," Peter said, attacking his eggs again. "Even I get bored with candy sometimes."
"Speaking of late-adolescent boys who can't keep it in their pants," Lily said. "I'm pregnant. We're moving up the wedding so I can still fit in my dress."
Peter continued eating right through this announcement, so Remus figured it was old news.
"Congratulations," he said. Sirius nodded.
"Petunia's finally agreed to be my maid of honor," Lily said. "She's excited to dance with James' handsome best friend."
James snorted. "See if I ask that wanker again," he said. "Pete? Want to be my best man?"
"Instead of Sirius, you mean?" Peter asked. "Oh, wait, I am the handsome best friend now." He smirked at Remus and Sirius. "Thanks, mates."
*
And that, as they say, was that. James and Lily were married, a little sooner than planned. Sirius was best man, after all. Peter wasn't happy about his demotion, but he was a loyal friend and agreed to escort James' elderly great-aunt instead. Sirius enjoyed himself, sarcastic comments about marriage aside, and everyone's pants stayed on the whole time.
Unfortunately, however, the elderly great-aunt was Bellatrix Lestrange, disguised with Polyjuice Potion. Bellatrix rarely forgot a slight, and Peter wasn't hopeless or unattractive, despite what his friends said. They had a nice, long conversation about Peter's future while James and Lily danced. As Andromeda told Remus and Sirius years later, Bellatrix always thought Peter had potential.
Andromeda raised an single stern, Black eyebrow as she recounted the story. "Unlike you or your other friends, Sirius, that was what she meant to say." Andromeda never minced words, not even when her favorite cousin reappeared on her doorstep after a long absence, looking for a decent meal and a little company. Sirius looked cross, but Remus couldn't help thinking Bellatrix had seen something they'd all missed, and wondering.
For his own part, Remus neglected to tell his parents about the wedding, and they hoped for years that he would finally get together with that nice Evans girl.
Neither Remus nor Sirius was ever caught with their pants down again, although one time Kingsley found them kissing in the storeroom at Honeydukes while Moody and the Order rounded up half a dozen Death Eaters out front. Kingsley may have suspected that Sirius pocketed some candy on the way out, but his House loyalty was strong, and he was never very fond of old Mrs Kettleworthy. Neither Remus nor Sirius went to Azkaban, at least not immediately.
And in the end, Sirius managed to escape, anyway.
And as for Moody, well, by the time second war rolled around and Remus and Sirius were living in Grimmauld Place, Moody had finally relaxed enough to give them some serious Order responsibilities. He's never looked Remus in the eye again, though, not once, and now he always knocks before entering.
Remus has grown quite proud of that over the years, actually.
Especially because it's been a long while since he's done anything interesting anywhere other than bed.
*
Originally posted here.
*
Thanks to glass_icarus, jadis31, klynie1, krabapple, lazy_neutrino, rosemaryandrue, sambethe, wook77, and xylodemon, all of whom generously stepped in at the eleventh hour--over the holiday!--and offered to write or draw for the exchange on short notice. Thank you all! This fic is for you.
rs_small_gifts has posted its 2007 Master List here. Stop by and take a look if you haven't been following this comm for the past few weeks. There's been some great fic and art posted. Thanks to everyone for participating and bringing such joy to the holiday season!
May 2008 be filled with as much wonderful fic and art as 2007 was!