Meme: On writing fanfic...
I've had this journal for almost six months now, and I love reading this meme, so it's time for a little self-assessment. This post is about my writing, mostly for my own purposes but here for those of you who are interested in the writing process
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One of the reasons I think sex and even romance become 'thorny' issues is that sex and romance are personal issues that people don't tend to discuss openly with strangers. At least for me, despite my lack of personal experience with male genitalia from the standpoint of having any, the general feelings and even actions surrounding these issues when I write can come from a very personal place, and sometimes I'll feel vulnerable or exposed as a result.
I remember feeling anxious and nervous, confused, having a crush, being in lust, in love, or not knowing whether I was in love, feeling horny and lascivious, etc. All of the feelings I attribute to my characters. The circumstances were obviously very different, but the visceral feeling behind it comes from somewhere - either real or imagined, experienced or fantasized about. So putting it on paper (or screen) becomes something personal even when it's not necessarily meant to be.
And I'll wonder sometimes if people reading are thinking "OMG what a perv" about me, or wondering how I 'know' what I'm writing about, or wondering if my characters are reflecting my attitudes or experiences in general. We all put something of ourselves into our writing.
And the funny thing was, I had no problems talking about sex, and I'm guilty of giving out plenty of TMI at times. But while I could talk about it, the words rolling effortlessly off my tongue, or even my fingers in IMs and discussions threads, I couldn't write stories about it. And that's rather odd, you know? I had no idea why.
As it happened, I 'popped my smut cherry' when raelala had the 1001ways challenge in January or February, 2005. My first smutty story was R/S in a wardrobe in the staff room - a hand job and (clothed) frottage. And within an hour of posting it, I was off writing a second one about sex in the owlry. I was still blushing and probably drank an entire bottle of wine that day, but I posted nonetheless. It got easier after that.
I'm still not comfortable with using particular words, and I'll still stare at my screen in stunned disbelief that I actually wrote a particular scene, but in this case, experience does make a difference - the more you write it, the more comfortable you start to feel.
Of course some people will never be comfortable with it, and that's okay too. Don't force it. Chances are you'll get a bunny one day, some catalyst, and you won't even realize it until you're actually doing it. :)
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Definitely. I don't even think that the reader can really sense this--she's usually too busy following the story to think much about the author--but I do feel very self-conscious and exposed. I suppose I'll get over it with experience, as you say.
Moving somewhat off-topic because you've got me thinking about now...Writing about something you don't know personally--another gender, another race or class, another culture or time period, another sexual orientation--is such an interesting issue, isn't it? Some things in life are fairly universal, some aren't. And it's so case-by-case for me, whether it seems important to get it right. I have real reservations and issues about writing someone of another race because I worry that, having had no experience, I'll fail miserably and offend people in the process, but I'm also concerned that my reluctance is problematic, too. *sigh* On the other hand, I do boys without a second thought and don't even try to get it right--I like my men emotionally intelligent and sensitive and chatty, and it's my story, right? *smile*
M.
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