Catharsis, Take 2

[magnax]

I could stare at this page all I want and I wouldn't feel any less comfortable with the fact that despite all of my complaining and bitching and venting and realizations, I'm still here. When pressed for the facts I can't even think of a reason why my continued existence in this exact point in space is bothering me. Is it my family? Surely that must be at least part of the case, for listening to them talk is causing unfathomable amounts of disdain to bubble within me for no discernible reason. But also it's a displeasure with myself and the way that I am treating those around me. I treat so many as if they were nothing but living breathing walking running jumping talking annoyances, but give so little of this annoyance credit to myself. Surely I must be doing something that is causing them to become like so many thorns in so many of my paws (being an eight-limbed creature, I have a few), but my patience's demise seems to have no cause. It passed in its sleep. I don't hate anyone, but everything within me says I do. I'm tired of listening to everything within me. It's hard arguing with something you don't understand. The headaches are getting fewer and farther between, but the intensity has ratcheted new levels. Perhaps the doctor could prescribe me some courage when I go in, so that I may finally take the initiative in whatever I do. I'm tired of being embarrassed of being shy of relations and contacts and opportunities. I yearn for the sureness that what I want has no strings attached. That what I want is indeed what is best for me. That this degree and lifestyle that I am searching for are really what's in the cards for me. That these cards will not be the 2, 3, 4, 5, and 7's that plague every waking moment with the knells of failure. That this state of mind will allow everything to work out in the end. That above all, the girl (creed, color, and everything regardless) will get me before I get myself.

It's comforting (in no measurable sense though if I could ballpark, it'd be about 1,000,000 kg worth) to know that no matter what happens with this crazy messed up mind/world/soul of mine, a few people will still be there for me in the end.