Thought
So I'm having his problem. People always say, you make mistakes in your life and you learn from them. All mistakes happen for a reason, yadeya, and everything will work out for the best. But I'm starting to wonder if that's ALWAYS the case. I have fucked up a lot of things in my life. I'm young and had a lot of good things happen to me, but were to immature to know what I had. I'm still young in age, but my maturity level is "way past my years", as Dawn would say. Now, looking back, I know I have made some very bad decisions. My love life most of all is something I have screwed up immensely. One specific relationship, that I have in mind right now, really bothers me. I had it all. I was only 15 when I had it. I had love, friendship, commitment, trust, passion, the works. It was long term and everything I could want. I took advantage of him and his vulnerability. I broke up with him a year and so later for the hott mysterious football star in high school. Leaving something that was perfect, for the unfamiliar. He of course, tried to get me back and even though my heart was telling me to go with him, I ignored it and got with the jock. The jock ended up to be emotionally insane and then when trying to get what I had back, I was rejected. Yes, I definitely deserved the rejection, as hard as it is to admit that. It hurt so much to know that he was ok without me and didn't want me back. That put me through so much torment. He has never been single. He goes from serious relationship to the next. He's been with his current girlfriend for two years. He was definitely without a doubt the first love of my life, and as I think about it, I'm starting to think he was the only true love I've had. Yes, I thought Brad was. He made me feel something so intense I thought it had to be love. But was it? Him treating me like dirt, using me, throwing me away, and then it being perfect for a time. Is that love? I hope not. I went back to him over and over because I was blinded by the lust and passion. But that's all it was. But with my other relationship, I had that and so much more. I only wish it could have happened later in my life. It would be so much more if it had. I made so many devastating mistakes. And I am sorry for every one of them. 2 years late, yes, I realize this. I just figure better late than never. Obviously, I took the time to think about all this because we talked on the phone last night for the first time in years. Let me tell you, I saw him on his webcam, he is gorgeous. Completely amazing. My jaw dropped. But that's not even the best part. Talking to him, was really nice. Our trip down memory lane was something I needed right now. It put a smile on my face. To know that he still remembers so many things that we had makes me feel like it wasn't all for nothing. Part of me wishes I could go there and tell him, I know he's in a relationship, but I know that we are meant to be, and I know things would be amazing if we started seeing each other again, and we could live this indescribable fairy tale, and we would have more love in one lifetime than most people couldn't dream about... ect. BUT, the common sense and less dramatic side of me realizes, yes it's over. Shit happens, me usually. I'm moving to Jacksonville, he's here in a serious relationship, and he has always been the nice guy and wouldn't do anything to hurt her or anyone for that matter, and wouldn't jeopardize what they have. And I always say, what's meant to be will be. If we are, we will be someday. But I'm starting to wonder if things are that easy. Just letting fate do all the work and not put effort into something that you have so much faith in. I guess we'll see.