I don't know which is worse...
All these dreams, or going without them. I've had more dreams in the past 3 months than I usually have in a whole year. Apparently there's more bothering me than I like to talk about. Some of them I'm not gonna deal with any time soon, but there's one (and last night's dream), that I might talk about here. I tweeted a bit about it the other day, it's not so much going to sleep crying, its waking up doing the same. Sad way to begin the day.
I've been told a fair amount of stuff in the past, and lately the whole picture has been making me feel like I'm not a very good friend. I lost a friend once because I was too depressive, I was bringing her down. I still wonder if I complain too much. I've tried and be better about it, and I've been less depressed the last couple years, much less than I was when this all went down anyway. Though I guess recently hasn't been so great, I've been more upset this summer than I have been since HS (or maybe freshman year).
So that's one thing. I've also been told I was needy. The person who said this said that the people who count don't care, but sometimes I wonder. I wonder a lot if I'm asking too much of my friends. Especially the ones who mean a lot to me. I give almost all of myself to my friends, so yeah sometimes I ask for some of that back. I like to think I'm not unreasonable, but it always worries me.
There's also the whole pedestal thing. I've been accused of it, I don't know if I agree or not I guess. I'm not even sure what to say about that. Guess its just there.
I've lost alot of friends, and most of them are just good memories in the past. There's two major ones that really hurt, and this new one which was brought up by the dream. I don't know what makes these 3 different, because there's 2 others at least that shared most of the same features.
So the dream was about Christy. I hate writing about her in here, cuz there was a time she read. I didn't want her to know how much it was hurting me I guess. The dream ahd two things going on, but I only remember the one. I only remember that she reached out to me. It was something like we were sitting around a fire or something. I'm not really sure. There might have been other people there, I'm not really sure. She could tell I was upset (and upset I was, and am. The last couple days haven't been so hot.) She asked me what was wrong, trying to get me to talk. She said that I could still reach out to her, that we were still friends.
So I'm shaken. In the dream I woke up before I told her, but IRL I don't know if I could tell her to her face. As it is, there's a reason this is under a cut. I'm hoping she won't poke at it. But even if she does, there's some bits I need to get out. But a quick side-note before I get to the meat. The dream brought to mind an incident of a couple years ago. What do you do if the person who asks is the reason you're upset? I had this back in college, a friend had really upset me and she was the one who wanted to talk me down. Then I told her, in my dream I did not. Sometimes I wonder if telling that friend was a mistake...sometimes I feel like It still colors our friendship, like it's the reason she's been treating me as she has. Maybe I'm wrong, but damn it hurts.
So most of you don't know what happened. I've only really told Rai. Back in January, we had a little spat. I had asked her for something, something I didn't think was that big. I asked her to review my syllabus, while I was getting ready to teach the class. She and I had taken the course together, way back when. I had asked a few other people as well. Only one of them had gotten back to me, but it really hurt me that she didn't. I guess, though I had sent it to other people, she was the one I was counting on. She was the only one who I talked to frequently, and yeah I had done so much for her. So I told her I was upset, and I was a little coy on why. That was a big mistake, and I've really regretted it ever since.
Now I get that I made a mistake, but things just kinda got worse. She chewed me out (on WoW). And I let her, I let her vent. And I hoped that things would be better. Things felt weird for a while though, and maybe it was just my guilt. I tried to let it go, and just chat. I just felt like she was still upset, still pulling away. I was afraid to ask her for anything. But she was still talking, and I wish I had left it there. But I didn't. She always said she'd want to know if I was upset with her, and after Rai (and especially after Comic Con), I had been trying to force myself to tell people when they upset me. So I told her, that I'd been feeling like things were still not good, and I wanted to talk them out. And that's when she closed the door, I haven't heard from her since.
I get that I messed up. The first time was definatly a mistake... people say the 2nd wasn't, but I'm not so sure, given the response. But I miss her, soo much. There's so many things that I just wish I could tell her, talk to her about. Or even just hear her voice, which I never got enough of. She was someone I was sharing everything with, and when you lose that, its like losing a part of who you are. Or something. It's not just bad stuff, like I need a friend to count on. I want to tell her the good stuff too, like about my new friend and how that's going, nad the RPG's my group is trying this year.
I've mostly given up, I guess. I don't expect her to get ahold of me, but I'm not beyond hoping. I'm not beyond the tears, not yet. It took me all of high school, and hten some, to be mostly over Lauren. I still think about her on her b-day. I'm still not over Jess..but its only the little things now. Like not being able to watch LotR w/o crying. And I still can't force myself to read Hitchhiker, or Clockwork orange. My friend was talking about the latter the other day, and this is 5 years later. Still brings a tear.
I'm not sure where I'm going with this. I've been writing the entry for over 3 hours. Thinking about it for another hour before that. The truth is I'm hurting, really bad. Everything is bringing it up, the sprinkling of rumors about the new wow expansion, the fact that I bought some tupperware yesterday for lunch even. The author of the book she bought me is apparently signing, so long as you send him something cool, and I've been wracking my brain to find something cool so I could do that, because that book means so much more to me now, now that I can't talk to her anymore, plus it's been one of the best books i've read in years. Only one other book I can think of since HS was harder for me to put down. I want to read it again, so bad. But I'm afraid to pick it up. I almost flipped out at a friend because he was trying to send me to this WoW webcomic. He just wouldn't let it go. 4th of July was almost torture because of how I spent the last one.
i don't even know if I want her to read this. A part of me says no, because I feel like one of hte mistakes I made with the other friends was trying too hard, not letting go. I was literally begging by the end of it, and I'm not proud of where that ended up. So I've been trying to not contact her, and let her come to me. I've been avoiding writing about it in here, even though its tearing me up. I don't want her to feel guilt, and part of me wonders if that's what reading this woiuld evoke. A part of me says I do want her to read this, to see how I feel about the whole mess. The short version is easy, really: I feel like a complete and total fuckup. The more I care, the more damage I do.
Shit, I was supposed to go work in the lab. Guess I better get to it.
I've been told a fair amount of stuff in the past, and lately the whole picture has been making me feel like I'm not a very good friend. I lost a friend once because I was too depressive, I was bringing her down. I still wonder if I complain too much. I've tried and be better about it, and I've been less depressed the last couple years, much less than I was when this all went down anyway. Though I guess recently hasn't been so great, I've been more upset this summer than I have been since HS (or maybe freshman year).
So that's one thing. I've also been told I was needy. The person who said this said that the people who count don't care, but sometimes I wonder. I wonder a lot if I'm asking too much of my friends. Especially the ones who mean a lot to me. I give almost all of myself to my friends, so yeah sometimes I ask for some of that back. I like to think I'm not unreasonable, but it always worries me.
There's also the whole pedestal thing. I've been accused of it, I don't know if I agree or not I guess. I'm not even sure what to say about that. Guess its just there.
I've lost alot of friends, and most of them are just good memories in the past. There's two major ones that really hurt, and this new one which was brought up by the dream. I don't know what makes these 3 different, because there's 2 others at least that shared most of the same features.
So the dream was about Christy. I hate writing about her in here, cuz there was a time she read. I didn't want her to know how much it was hurting me I guess. The dream ahd two things going on, but I only remember the one. I only remember that she reached out to me. It was something like we were sitting around a fire or something. I'm not really sure. There might have been other people there, I'm not really sure. She could tell I was upset (and upset I was, and am. The last couple days haven't been so hot.) She asked me what was wrong, trying to get me to talk. She said that I could still reach out to her, that we were still friends.
So I'm shaken. In the dream I woke up before I told her, but IRL I don't know if I could tell her to her face. As it is, there's a reason this is under a cut. I'm hoping she won't poke at it. But even if she does, there's some bits I need to get out. But a quick side-note before I get to the meat. The dream brought to mind an incident of a couple years ago. What do you do if the person who asks is the reason you're upset? I had this back in college, a friend had really upset me and she was the one who wanted to talk me down. Then I told her, in my dream I did not. Sometimes I wonder if telling that friend was a mistake...sometimes I feel like It still colors our friendship, like it's the reason she's been treating me as she has. Maybe I'm wrong, but damn it hurts.
So most of you don't know what happened. I've only really told Rai. Back in January, we had a little spat. I had asked her for something, something I didn't think was that big. I asked her to review my syllabus, while I was getting ready to teach the class. She and I had taken the course together, way back when. I had asked a few other people as well. Only one of them had gotten back to me, but it really hurt me that she didn't. I guess, though I had sent it to other people, she was the one I was counting on. She was the only one who I talked to frequently, and yeah I had done so much for her. So I told her I was upset, and I was a little coy on why. That was a big mistake, and I've really regretted it ever since.
Now I get that I made a mistake, but things just kinda got worse. She chewed me out (on WoW). And I let her, I let her vent. And I hoped that things would be better. Things felt weird for a while though, and maybe it was just my guilt. I tried to let it go, and just chat. I just felt like she was still upset, still pulling away. I was afraid to ask her for anything. But she was still talking, and I wish I had left it there. But I didn't. She always said she'd want to know if I was upset with her, and after Rai (and especially after Comic Con), I had been trying to force myself to tell people when they upset me. So I told her, that I'd been feeling like things were still not good, and I wanted to talk them out. And that's when she closed the door, I haven't heard from her since.
I get that I messed up. The first time was definatly a mistake... people say the 2nd wasn't, but I'm not so sure, given the response. But I miss her, soo much. There's so many things that I just wish I could tell her, talk to her about. Or even just hear her voice, which I never got enough of. She was someone I was sharing everything with, and when you lose that, its like losing a part of who you are. Or something. It's not just bad stuff, like I need a friend to count on. I want to tell her the good stuff too, like about my new friend and how that's going, nad the RPG's my group is trying this year.
I've mostly given up, I guess. I don't expect her to get ahold of me, but I'm not beyond hoping. I'm not beyond the tears, not yet. It took me all of high school, and hten some, to be mostly over Lauren. I still think about her on her b-day. I'm still not over Jess..but its only the little things now. Like not being able to watch LotR w/o crying. And I still can't force myself to read Hitchhiker, or Clockwork orange. My friend was talking about the latter the other day, and this is 5 years later. Still brings a tear.
I'm not sure where I'm going with this. I've been writing the entry for over 3 hours. Thinking about it for another hour before that. The truth is I'm hurting, really bad. Everything is bringing it up, the sprinkling of rumors about the new wow expansion, the fact that I bought some tupperware yesterday for lunch even. The author of the book she bought me is apparently signing, so long as you send him something cool, and I've been wracking my brain to find something cool so I could do that, because that book means so much more to me now, now that I can't talk to her anymore, plus it's been one of the best books i've read in years. Only one other book I can think of since HS was harder for me to put down. I want to read it again, so bad. But I'm afraid to pick it up. I almost flipped out at a friend because he was trying to send me to this WoW webcomic. He just wouldn't let it go. 4th of July was almost torture because of how I spent the last one.
i don't even know if I want her to read this. A part of me says no, because I feel like one of hte mistakes I made with the other friends was trying too hard, not letting go. I was literally begging by the end of it, and I'm not proud of where that ended up. So I've been trying to not contact her, and let her come to me. I've been avoiding writing about it in here, even though its tearing me up. I don't want her to feel guilt, and part of me wonders if that's what reading this woiuld evoke. A part of me says I do want her to read this, to see how I feel about the whole mess. The short version is easy, really: I feel like a complete and total fuckup. The more I care, the more damage I do.
Shit, I was supposed to go work in the lab. Guess I better get to it.