day 19 - this is the worthwhile fight
Emma/tosca1390 asked me to talk about my Hawke/Sienna otp feelings today, so here we are. Again, we're using Taylor Swift lyrics, because State of Grace is nothing if not a song about them. I actually had to fight to choose which lyrics to use for the title and cut because so many work. THEY JUST DO.
So let's go beneath the cut.
Okay, so after reading the entire series I think we can safely say these two are my faves; well actually my faves are them and then Kaleb/Sahara, and both are basically number one. But I digress. My point is that after reading the entire series I am so impressed because really while book ten is their book with their POVs mainly, their relationship runs across the entire series.
We first get to see them at the end of book one when we're introduced to the Lauren family. My radar immediately went off when Sienna point blank gets away with telling Hawke he's being a bigot and an idiot basically. Also that, and I talked about this in my post about her, but she's also the one who has the knowledge and knows how the Lauren Family Net works and in turn how the Web of Stars will work. Now up to here, we've been introduced to both Lucas and Hawke who are leaders of their Packs and you know carry around a lot of weight. They make the decisions. So that point blank statement from Sienna where she just snaps at him already set me off.
Then it's echoed in book three with a moment that if you blink you'll miss it. During a conversation between Judd and Hawke, Hawke repeats the statement that Sienna made to him. Judd thinks in his mind that Hawke is referencing Sascha or someone else, but there's this dumb smile on Hawke's face and it's clearly a call back to Sienna.
Flash forward to book six and we've got our big conflict. We learn that immediately upon defection Sienna's Silence started breaking down and malfunctioning. Now part of it is likely due to the removal of the environment under Ming's control, and the introduction to a lively bunch of people that revel in every single feeling and emotion. BUT, a huge part comes directly in her immediate attraction and want of Hawke. Which makes complete sense to me. Not only is he a militaristic figure that she can look upon, but he's very strong like she is. He cares for a huge amount of people like she cares for her family and wants to protect them. Basically, given that Sienna's sixteen when they defect, there's essentially some comparison to a sexual awakening here. My first sex dream was about Jason Isaacs. Sienna's likely was about Hawke entirely and then she decides full tilt that he's hers.
(Also I do so love that in book six we learn that Sienna delights in being a pain in the ass for Hawke. Causing problems all over and pulling pranks. As a way to get him to notice her and pay attention, since he starts balking at the fact that he wants her a lot, given her age to him.)
Book six tells us the painfulness of Sienna's ability and her inability to hold herself together. Leading her to leave the den to be with Sascha, and leading Hawke and Riley to beat the shit out of each other.
Book nine we get the return of Sienna and she's basically gone into terminator mode of pretending that nothing is wrong and she's going to be the perfect soldier. Which infuriates Hawke's wolf because the wolf is right and the man is fucked up under so many layers of emotional blockage due to his family dying in front of him and half of the den being slaughtered and him having to be a leader at fifteen. SO. OUR PAIRING HAS SOME ISSUES.
Which leads me to the point that both of them are severally damaged people. I say that with no amount of derision at all, whatsoever. They just are. Sienna has been raised as a tool and was abused by Ming. Hawke brutally lost his entire family and had to watch many people die in front of him, no doubt fucking him up mentally for quite some time. That's not an excuse for either of them or the stupidity that happens in book ten with Hawke being remote and reserved. It's not. Trust me, I was frustrated. But on my second re-read it made me think. And then I get it. I don't like it. But I get it. He thinks he's doing what is right and while he doesn't get it at all (see my previous post about Sienna where she's never been a child and even at sixteen/nineteen she's SO NOT A CHILD) from his perspective she's too young. And he doesn't want to basically hurt someone who is far younger than him and such, which by modern standards even here totally makes sense. Even if you want to hit his head against a wall a few times. (Now I'm not saying I totally wasn't heartbroken and mad during the scene where she basically points out that he's never touched her like a pack mate and made her feel that way, because I know that Sienna has loneliness in her the likes of which cannot even begin to be described and a want to belong. So yeah, that could have been done way better, dumbass). BUT my point basically is that while I was frustrated and it's maddening, that I get it. Plus, all of the consent talk after is so very nice.
I don't have to like it entirely, but I get it.
And I think that's something they will work on for a very long time.
We get the scene in book ten where it's revealed Hawke was the first person to greet Sienna. From there we know she started to lose her Silence, but pretty fairly certain Hawke's wolf reared its head and was like oh yes, she's perfect. Like you just know Hawke's wolf was running around making sonnets about Sienna's red hair. YOU KNOW IT TO BE TRUE. So it's completely the emotionally scarred man that is blocking the bond and not the wolf. The wolf always knew. Which again you want to shake him, but I get.
I wanted in book eleven or even in book ten a discussion further on that. We get the ending with them and it's mentioned and talked about, but I wanted more. Sienna has huge identity issues and dissonance layers still intact. Hawke has emotional issues and trauma as well. I don't think either of them will see that go away, if ever, without talking and discussions. It's been a head canon of mine that at some point following book ten/eleven that Sienna's brain shuts down and snaps back into Silent mode because of the huge fear she has of losing everything she's been given the opportunity to have. We see that anxiety creep up in the end of book ten. It's a few lines mentioned, and we see it again in her curiosity in book eleven over relationships and stuff. I think it's something they'll have to work on. And Hawke honestly probably feels terrible and embarrassed and shamed. No doubt he'll spend a decade trying to prove and make up to her that she's everything. There's a deleted scene from book ten about him loving her forever and taking care of her, which is nice. Sienna has to be so controlled always with her ability and the militaristic training that's all she knows. With Hawke she trusts him enough to take care of her and let her guard down. Which is a gift he realizes he has.
I just want so much for them.
I want Ming dead, even though I know it will likely create a huge backlash. I want Hawke to properly court her and give her gifts. I want Sienna taking over more and more responsibility and getting to be second in the den. I want them being silly over business reports and get caught having sex in the training rooms. I want Evie telling Hawke when he's dumb and saying that Sienna likes caramel apples. I want them babysitting kids and not knowing what to do. And all the baking adventures. And eventual Selina Lauren Snow troublemaker.
Their relationship is just so very complex and I love it a lot. Basically.
I'm gonna go yell along with Taylor Swift and think about this song.
So let's go beneath the cut.
Okay, so after reading the entire series I think we can safely say these two are my faves; well actually my faves are them and then Kaleb/Sahara, and both are basically number one. But I digress. My point is that after reading the entire series I am so impressed because really while book ten is their book with their POVs mainly, their relationship runs across the entire series.
We first get to see them at the end of book one when we're introduced to the Lauren family. My radar immediately went off when Sienna point blank gets away with telling Hawke he's being a bigot and an idiot basically. Also that, and I talked about this in my post about her, but she's also the one who has the knowledge and knows how the Lauren Family Net works and in turn how the Web of Stars will work. Now up to here, we've been introduced to both Lucas and Hawke who are leaders of their Packs and you know carry around a lot of weight. They make the decisions. So that point blank statement from Sienna where she just snaps at him already set me off.
Then it's echoed in book three with a moment that if you blink you'll miss it. During a conversation between Judd and Hawke, Hawke repeats the statement that Sienna made to him. Judd thinks in his mind that Hawke is referencing Sascha or someone else, but there's this dumb smile on Hawke's face and it's clearly a call back to Sienna.
Flash forward to book six and we've got our big conflict. We learn that immediately upon defection Sienna's Silence started breaking down and malfunctioning. Now part of it is likely due to the removal of the environment under Ming's control, and the introduction to a lively bunch of people that revel in every single feeling and emotion. BUT, a huge part comes directly in her immediate attraction and want of Hawke. Which makes complete sense to me. Not only is he a militaristic figure that she can look upon, but he's very strong like she is. He cares for a huge amount of people like she cares for her family and wants to protect them. Basically, given that Sienna's sixteen when they defect, there's essentially some comparison to a sexual awakening here. My first sex dream was about Jason Isaacs. Sienna's likely was about Hawke entirely and then she decides full tilt that he's hers.
(Also I do so love that in book six we learn that Sienna delights in being a pain in the ass for Hawke. Causing problems all over and pulling pranks. As a way to get him to notice her and pay attention, since he starts balking at the fact that he wants her a lot, given her age to him.)
Book six tells us the painfulness of Sienna's ability and her inability to hold herself together. Leading her to leave the den to be with Sascha, and leading Hawke and Riley to beat the shit out of each other.
Book nine we get the return of Sienna and she's basically gone into terminator mode of pretending that nothing is wrong and she's going to be the perfect soldier. Which infuriates Hawke's wolf because the wolf is right and the man is fucked up under so many layers of emotional blockage due to his family dying in front of him and half of the den being slaughtered and him having to be a leader at fifteen. SO. OUR PAIRING HAS SOME ISSUES.
Which leads me to the point that both of them are severally damaged people. I say that with no amount of derision at all, whatsoever. They just are. Sienna has been raised as a tool and was abused by Ming. Hawke brutally lost his entire family and had to watch many people die in front of him, no doubt fucking him up mentally for quite some time. That's not an excuse for either of them or the stupidity that happens in book ten with Hawke being remote and reserved. It's not. Trust me, I was frustrated. But on my second re-read it made me think. And then I get it. I don't like it. But I get it. He thinks he's doing what is right and while he doesn't get it at all (see my previous post about Sienna where she's never been a child and even at sixteen/nineteen she's SO NOT A CHILD) from his perspective she's too young. And he doesn't want to basically hurt someone who is far younger than him and such, which by modern standards even here totally makes sense. Even if you want to hit his head against a wall a few times. (Now I'm not saying I totally wasn't heartbroken and mad during the scene where she basically points out that he's never touched her like a pack mate and made her feel that way, because I know that Sienna has loneliness in her the likes of which cannot even begin to be described and a want to belong. So yeah, that could have been done way better, dumbass). BUT my point basically is that while I was frustrated and it's maddening, that I get it. Plus, all of the consent talk after is so very nice.
I don't have to like it entirely, but I get it.
And I think that's something they will work on for a very long time.
We get the scene in book ten where it's revealed Hawke was the first person to greet Sienna. From there we know she started to lose her Silence, but pretty fairly certain Hawke's wolf reared its head and was like oh yes, she's perfect. Like you just know Hawke's wolf was running around making sonnets about Sienna's red hair. YOU KNOW IT TO BE TRUE. So it's completely the emotionally scarred man that is blocking the bond and not the wolf. The wolf always knew. Which again you want to shake him, but I get.
I wanted in book eleven or even in book ten a discussion further on that. We get the ending with them and it's mentioned and talked about, but I wanted more. Sienna has huge identity issues and dissonance layers still intact. Hawke has emotional issues and trauma as well. I don't think either of them will see that go away, if ever, without talking and discussions. It's been a head canon of mine that at some point following book ten/eleven that Sienna's brain shuts down and snaps back into Silent mode because of the huge fear she has of losing everything she's been given the opportunity to have. We see that anxiety creep up in the end of book ten. It's a few lines mentioned, and we see it again in her curiosity in book eleven over relationships and stuff. I think it's something they'll have to work on. And Hawke honestly probably feels terrible and embarrassed and shamed. No doubt he'll spend a decade trying to prove and make up to her that she's everything. There's a deleted scene from book ten about him loving her forever and taking care of her, which is nice. Sienna has to be so controlled always with her ability and the militaristic training that's all she knows. With Hawke she trusts him enough to take care of her and let her guard down. Which is a gift he realizes he has.
I just want so much for them.
I want Ming dead, even though I know it will likely create a huge backlash. I want Hawke to properly court her and give her gifts. I want Sienna taking over more and more responsibility and getting to be second in the den. I want them being silly over business reports and get caught having sex in the training rooms. I want Evie telling Hawke when he's dumb and saying that Sienna likes caramel apples. I want them babysitting kids and not knowing what to do. And all the baking adventures. And eventual Selina Lauren Snow troublemaker.
Their relationship is just so very complex and I love it a lot. Basically.
I'm gonna go yell along with Taylor Swift and think about this song.