fic: snakes in the white house (not snakes on a plane); TWW
Everything could have been avoided had any of them bothered to pay attention to the newspaper. Actually, that is a lie. Every single one of them, them being those that work in the White House, reads the Washington Post and the New York Times and many other newspapers. The problem is that none of them bothered to read past the sections dealing with ‘politics’ or ‘Congress’.
As it is, none of them sees the article buried in the bottom right corner of page seven in the local section. The article that talks about the breakout and disappearance of Eduardo from the National Zoo.
Which is how the entire West Wing ends up in a near panic that would have been more suitable on a rom-com comedy show instead of the office of the leader of the Free World.
But that’s getting ahead of what goes down:
Josh sits at his desk, alternating his attention amongst the five files open on his desk. There’s the Education Bill that’s moving through the House today, the recommendation from State on the issues in the East, the report on the Budget for the upcoming year, and the two others that are just briefs on something less important. It’s only eleven in the morning, not even lunch, and he’s already thinking about the ibuprofen that he’s going to need later.
He’s reading when he notices the orange color from the corner of his eye. At first he thinks it’s something random, something inconsequential. It doesn’t cross his mind that it’s a snake until he fully turns his head to look at it.
Two things happen next. The first is that he throws the pen in his hand, the one he had just been using to mark up the open files, at the snake that is slithering across his carpet. The second is that he yells, loud and and long.
The pen does nothing, but the yell causes problems.
Margaret opens the door where her desk sits on the other side. She screams, hers higher than his had been. Her yell and his yell attract the attention of the Secret Service who, true to their job requirements, burst through the other door.
Josh wants to go on the record and say that the snake was not little. The snake was, in fact, around five feet in length. And that he didn’t flee his office. That would be embarrassing and undignified. When Donna teases him later that night, he says that relocated himself. It just happened to be across the street at OEOB.
Gossip spreads faster than the flu in the West Wing. Within five minutes, everyone knows that there is a snake in the Chief of Staff’s office. By this time, Josh has moved outside the office, relinquishing the space to the orange invader. He’s able to send most of the lower beings that work underneath him away with a well placed look. This doesn’t work with Sam or Ainsley who both show up together.
Sam’s barely containing the smirk on his face. “You have a snake in your office?”
“A big one,” is his answer.
“Did he kick you out?”
“You want to look at it? That thing is huge.”
Sam takes him up on his challenge. He actually opens the door and pokes his head inside. “He’s not scary looking. He’s taken over your window sill though. The sun is warming him. Probably came into the building because it’s so cold outside.”
“Poor thing,” Ainsley says, and she’s ducked around and under to get a look herself.
Josh bites back a comment about how he thought her kind, Republicans, weren’t into animal rights. “I don’t care. I want him out. He can go sun in the forest or something.”
“Actually,” Sam closes the door and turns back around. “He’s a boa. A rainbow boa to be exact. Epicrates cenchria.”
“I know Latin too, show off.”
Sam frowns for a second before going on as if he’d become used to suffering through Josh’s interruptions before he could reveal the important part of the lesson. “A rainbow boa doesn’t live in the United States, Josh. They’re native to Central and South America.”
“And when did you become the snake expert? I just want him gone,” he repeats.
“We could get a shovel and chop its head off,” Ainsley speaks again. Both of them stare at her. She shrugs. “That’s how we deal with snakes in North Carolina. Solves the problem.”
Ainsley Hayes has officially become his favorite; if he closes his eyes and has four beers and doesn’t remember her party affiliation, but his favorite in this moment.
“You can’t kill it.” This is Bram, who for a man over six feet tall has an uncanny ability to spring up silently out of nowhere.
“Don’t tell me you’re in love with the snake too.” Josh can feel his headache further building.
“No,” Bram says, dragging out the negative. “But you said it’s a rainbow boa? It’s the one that escaped from the zoo last week.” It’s his turn to open the door and look inside. He turns back around after a few seconds. “Yeah, it’s Eduardo.”
All three of them stare at him before he blinks and says, “My girlfriend likes the Zoo.”
“You know its name?” Ainsley.
“You have a girlfriend?” Sam.
Josh, annoyed with the changing of subjects, says, “Hey, can we focus? We can’t kill it now because we’d look bad to everyone in America. But I’d like my office back before I have to wait here for animal control to come.”
“Well, he’s not poisonous. Adults don’t typically bite, especially if this is a zoo one used to being handled.”
It’s seriously disturbing him how much random knowledge Sam knows about snakes. A sudden idea comes to him. “Or we could trap him in something.”
Ainsley kills his idea with, “That would require you going back inside.”
Josh waits for a minute and then announces that he’s leaving. “I’m fine waiting for animal control. I’m going over to OEOB.”
He gets boos and chicken calls from the three as he walks away. There is no way that he is doing work while that snake, Eduardo, just hangs out behind his head. It’d probably choke him, slide up his legs and constrict, and then he’d be dead and the President would be down a Chief of Staff and everything would go to Hell and the Republicans would win. Really, he’s saving the American people from having to deal with that type of government.
Later he finds out that the President comes down from the Residence, where he had been eating an early lunch with the First Lady, and learns of the situation. From there, he walks into the office and picks the boa up and moves him into a box for the National Zoo people to come and get. He cites dealing with black snakes back home in Texas as his reasoning for taking on the task. Lou gets to spin it into good press for them, and they all let go of the fact that something could have gone wrong. The headline in the Post reads ‘Santos the Snake Whisperer’.
Josh gets his office back. Unfortunately, he becomes the West Wing joke for the next three weeks. At least until Otto embarrasses himself in front of the Ambassador to Italy.
But that's a different story.
As it is, none of them sees the article buried in the bottom right corner of page seven in the local section. The article that talks about the breakout and disappearance of Eduardo from the National Zoo.
Which is how the entire West Wing ends up in a near panic that would have been more suitable on a rom-com comedy show instead of the office of the leader of the Free World.
But that’s getting ahead of what goes down:
Josh sits at his desk, alternating his attention amongst the five files open on his desk. There’s the Education Bill that’s moving through the House today, the recommendation from State on the issues in the East, the report on the Budget for the upcoming year, and the two others that are just briefs on something less important. It’s only eleven in the morning, not even lunch, and he’s already thinking about the ibuprofen that he’s going to need later.
He’s reading when he notices the orange color from the corner of his eye. At first he thinks it’s something random, something inconsequential. It doesn’t cross his mind that it’s a snake until he fully turns his head to look at it.
Two things happen next. The first is that he throws the pen in his hand, the one he had just been using to mark up the open files, at the snake that is slithering across his carpet. The second is that he yells, loud and and long.
The pen does nothing, but the yell causes problems.
Margaret opens the door where her desk sits on the other side. She screams, hers higher than his had been. Her yell and his yell attract the attention of the Secret Service who, true to their job requirements, burst through the other door.
Josh wants to go on the record and say that the snake was not little. The snake was, in fact, around five feet in length. And that he didn’t flee his office. That would be embarrassing and undignified. When Donna teases him later that night, he says that relocated himself. It just happened to be across the street at OEOB.
Gossip spreads faster than the flu in the West Wing. Within five minutes, everyone knows that there is a snake in the Chief of Staff’s office. By this time, Josh has moved outside the office, relinquishing the space to the orange invader. He’s able to send most of the lower beings that work underneath him away with a well placed look. This doesn’t work with Sam or Ainsley who both show up together.
Sam’s barely containing the smirk on his face. “You have a snake in your office?”
“A big one,” is his answer.
“Did he kick you out?”
“You want to look at it? That thing is huge.”
Sam takes him up on his challenge. He actually opens the door and pokes his head inside. “He’s not scary looking. He’s taken over your window sill though. The sun is warming him. Probably came into the building because it’s so cold outside.”
“Poor thing,” Ainsley says, and she’s ducked around and under to get a look herself.
Josh bites back a comment about how he thought her kind, Republicans, weren’t into animal rights. “I don’t care. I want him out. He can go sun in the forest or something.”
“Actually,” Sam closes the door and turns back around. “He’s a boa. A rainbow boa to be exact. Epicrates cenchria.”
“I know Latin too, show off.”
Sam frowns for a second before going on as if he’d become used to suffering through Josh’s interruptions before he could reveal the important part of the lesson. “A rainbow boa doesn’t live in the United States, Josh. They’re native to Central and South America.”
“And when did you become the snake expert? I just want him gone,” he repeats.
“We could get a shovel and chop its head off,” Ainsley speaks again. Both of them stare at her. She shrugs. “That’s how we deal with snakes in North Carolina. Solves the problem.”
Ainsley Hayes has officially become his favorite; if he closes his eyes and has four beers and doesn’t remember her party affiliation, but his favorite in this moment.
“You can’t kill it.” This is Bram, who for a man over six feet tall has an uncanny ability to spring up silently out of nowhere.
“Don’t tell me you’re in love with the snake too.” Josh can feel his headache further building.
“No,” Bram says, dragging out the negative. “But you said it’s a rainbow boa? It’s the one that escaped from the zoo last week.” It’s his turn to open the door and look inside. He turns back around after a few seconds. “Yeah, it’s Eduardo.”
All three of them stare at him before he blinks and says, “My girlfriend likes the Zoo.”
“You know its name?” Ainsley.
“You have a girlfriend?” Sam.
Josh, annoyed with the changing of subjects, says, “Hey, can we focus? We can’t kill it now because we’d look bad to everyone in America. But I’d like my office back before I have to wait here for animal control to come.”
“Well, he’s not poisonous. Adults don’t typically bite, especially if this is a zoo one used to being handled.”
It’s seriously disturbing him how much random knowledge Sam knows about snakes. A sudden idea comes to him. “Or we could trap him in something.”
Ainsley kills his idea with, “That would require you going back inside.”
Josh waits for a minute and then announces that he’s leaving. “I’m fine waiting for animal control. I’m going over to OEOB.”
He gets boos and chicken calls from the three as he walks away. There is no way that he is doing work while that snake, Eduardo, just hangs out behind his head. It’d probably choke him, slide up his legs and constrict, and then he’d be dead and the President would be down a Chief of Staff and everything would go to Hell and the Republicans would win. Really, he’s saving the American people from having to deal with that type of government.
Later he finds out that the President comes down from the Residence, where he had been eating an early lunch with the First Lady, and learns of the situation. From there, he walks into the office and picks the boa up and moves him into a box for the National Zoo people to come and get. He cites dealing with black snakes back home in Texas as his reasoning for taking on the task. Lou gets to spin it into good press for them, and they all let go of the fact that something could have gone wrong. The headline in the Post reads ‘Santos the Snake Whisperer’.
Josh gets his office back. Unfortunately, he becomes the West Wing joke for the next three weeks. At least until Otto embarrasses himself in front of the Ambassador to Italy.
But that's a different story.