self value

[magister]

One of my major fears is being rejected too many times when I try to do what's natural. It's not the rejection itself; it's the fact that I will run out of options. I feel like I have to show off how unique I am so that people will notice my individuality more than the mistakes I make or the obstacles I face. If I'm just like everyone else, then

Comments

Re: The view from here . .

[magister]

Frankly, I'm already burned out about all the other activities. I don't really care about trying to be a musician, a composer, an actor, a teacher, a counselor, or anything else. I just psych myself up to do something, and then I realize that I really never had a true calling for it in the first place.

I'm just afraid of dying homeless, so I just grasp at straws until I sober up and realize that I don't really value any of these endeavors.

I'm not asking for a better life, or more money, or that sort of thing. I just want the resolve I see others have. They have the ability to keep themselves from wanting to cut their own throat every morning. They look at the positive, and it's enough to get them out of bed.

I simply don't care. I've had years of therapy, depression meds, ADHD meds, friends, well-wishers, people giving advice... When is my complaining and frustration enough? When does someone just say, "You are wasting our time being sorry for yourself. If you don't like it here, tough. Put up or shut up"? When is it just a good idea to go away and not come back?

I just wish everyone could forget who I am so I can disappear. I didn't want to get that dark, but there it is.

I apologize for dumping this on you. But I was going to write this in my journal anyway.

Re: The view from here . .

[miss_whiplash]

No need to apologise. You have every right to your feelings, and you have every right to self expression. Especially in your own journal.

You are suffering the frailties that we all do. I spend my days doing work for idiots who want it yesterday, but aren't quite sure what they want. Once they focus their minds and usually after I have done the work I realise that they didn't actually want what they asked for anyway. Then, and only then, once they realise that they don't actually know what they want are they susceptible to suggestion can I start persuading them to do something sensible.

So much of what we do is futile. We are like ants in the universe, ultimately all we can do is join in for our time and know that a hundred years from now, it won't have made any difference.

I'm a strong subscriber to the belief that feeling sorry for oneself is a dead-end activity. One of the rules I set for my self after my breakdown was to avoid introspection when 'alone'. Alone meaning when I had nobody to bring me back to myself and balance me. If you are one to see the dark side it can envelope you.

As for suicide, if you are ever in doubt, look back here and take it from me n trust. It is not a good idea. One thing I have learned is that the universe likes playing tricks with your mind. The moment you think you know how things are it just turns everything inside out and you have to start again. Both the up-side and the down-side of that is nothing stays the same, so if it is bad, one thing is for certain it won't last.

I've had two friends now who 'went away'. I see their tracks from time to time, a message from her mother, his blog about his dog. I care for them both still, but I can't be there for them, I am part of their life they walked out of. As far as I can see, neither is happier for walking away, they re-build their problems around them, . . . the desperation to be married to the man of her dreams, who doesn't exist except in her interpretation of him and her attempts to change him. His fear of facing things going wrong in other peoples lives. In the long term it didn't help, just set them each back further. Short term, yes, they felt better, but they lost the good bits as well as the bad parts. Happiness is something we allow ourselves to feel, if we know how. It isn't something we find, it doesn't exist outside ourselves.

Depression meds have their place, they are there to numb you from negative feelings and give you the energy to cope with whatever part of the immediate is overwhelming you. After that their place is in the cabinet and not in you.

I was lucky, I had a very perceptive counsellor who helped me see the traps I walked into repeatedly in a short series of cognitive behavioural therapy sessions. We discussed and found alternative behaviours that have kept me off Lithium for 15 years. Not every therapist you see will be the right person for you.

I have a man who loves me and I love him too. We gelled after he had decided to die after his wife left him, (she literally went away) I spent years expecting the police to call and say he had killed himself. He reacted to losing someone.

Having someone who is there for you, and where the trust is total makes a huge difference. We find ourselves in our relationships, not our activities.

Re: The view from here . .

[magister]

Yes, everything you're saying is true, and I am glad that you have looked within and sought the little things in life that you can value and share with someone you care about.

I'll stick around. I will cause too many problems for others if I die, so I choose not to bring death upon myself. I do wish my mom aborted me, but not because I'm a bad person or that I have a bad life. I just don't want to find myself through a relationship, or an activity. I've done enough of that.

Some people are just...jerks. They live out life without bothering to change anything, grow up, learn life, make the mature decisions... They do what is necessary to wait out the clock, and then they die. That's it. Those people are uninspiring, disappointing, and not worth the time. That's me. I'm hard-headed that way, I suppose.

Best wishes in your travels and your relationships. Stay as strong as you are. Thanks for reading my posts.