Lost....
You know, it seems like I can never figure out just what it is I want from life. I was talking to one of my very close friends the other night and she appeared so organized. So ready for life. Prepared and assured of her course in life. Of course, she cna't predict everything, we both know that. But she just seemed so ready for whatever is going to come. And her dreams are beautiful.
I felt inadequate in her presence. Unworthy even. What dreams do I have? Very fiew it seems. The only one I still seem to hold is that one day I would love to write fantasy novels and have them published. I'm so far from that though. There's so much more I need and my chosen profession isn't one that will help with that particular goal. But other than that, there's nothing. I feel empty. What would I ever accomplish? I'm not even sure I'm going to like or enjoy my chosen profession. I feel that in the end, I wasn't the one who even really did the choosing. In fact, I remember a big fight my mom and I once had over it. I think she won in the end, but I can't really be sure....
A couple weeks ago I was seriously considering quitting once I graduate in the spring. Not go on, like has been the plan for so long. Take time away from school to try out this profession and see if I like it or if I really just wasted three plus years of my life. The sad thing is that I don't even know what I would do instead. I just draw a blank. Probably because mom made the comptuer industry seem like crap. But then agin, I can't be sure she is the one to blame.
I'm so unsure of so many things. I feel disconnected from myself. LIke I'm losing myself. LIke I don't even know who I am anymore. And that scares me. It scares me....If I don't know who I am, how do I know what I want. I'm even starting to doubt my relationship with Dave, and that's what scares me the most. One side of me is holding on for all it is worth and doesn't want to let go for anything. But another part of me can do nothing but question....Am I right for him? Can I be what he needs me to be and still be me? Am I giving up too much? Not enough? Moving too slow? Too fast? Am I in love or am I in love with the idea of being in love? Is this if for the rest of my life? Is he the one? Will I really be accepted into his family? AM I smart enough? Am I ready? Should I even be thinking of these things? Am I in too far to get out? Do I even want out? Can I put up with him forever? Can he put up with me? Will I ever lose him? WIll he ever decide enough is enough? Will I be abandoned? Can I face the future? Can I keep going? Have I been make the right decisions or the lustful decisions? Do I hang on because alone equals loneliness or do I hang on because it's right? Am I scared of just being me without another to connect with? Are we together for all the right reasons? Why does it feel like all the negative questions stab at me as if I were betraying my own self? When will I ever know? The tears I hold back, are they for him or for me....
I felt inadequate in her presence. Unworthy even. What dreams do I have? Very fiew it seems. The only one I still seem to hold is that one day I would love to write fantasy novels and have them published. I'm so far from that though. There's so much more I need and my chosen profession isn't one that will help with that particular goal. But other than that, there's nothing. I feel empty. What would I ever accomplish? I'm not even sure I'm going to like or enjoy my chosen profession. I feel that in the end, I wasn't the one who even really did the choosing. In fact, I remember a big fight my mom and I once had over it. I think she won in the end, but I can't really be sure....
A couple weeks ago I was seriously considering quitting once I graduate in the spring. Not go on, like has been the plan for so long. Take time away from school to try out this profession and see if I like it or if I really just wasted three plus years of my life. The sad thing is that I don't even know what I would do instead. I just draw a blank. Probably because mom made the comptuer industry seem like crap. But then agin, I can't be sure she is the one to blame.
I'm so unsure of so many things. I feel disconnected from myself. LIke I'm losing myself. LIke I don't even know who I am anymore. And that scares me. It scares me....If I don't know who I am, how do I know what I want. I'm even starting to doubt my relationship with Dave, and that's what scares me the most. One side of me is holding on for all it is worth and doesn't want to let go for anything. But another part of me can do nothing but question....Am I right for him? Can I be what he needs me to be and still be me? Am I giving up too much? Not enough? Moving too slow? Too fast? Am I in love or am I in love with the idea of being in love? Is this if for the rest of my life? Is he the one? Will I really be accepted into his family? AM I smart enough? Am I ready? Should I even be thinking of these things? Am I in too far to get out? Do I even want out? Can I put up with him forever? Can he put up with me? Will I ever lose him? WIll he ever decide enough is enough? Will I be abandoned? Can I face the future? Can I keep going? Have I been make the right decisions or the lustful decisions? Do I hang on because alone equals loneliness or do I hang on because it's right? Am I scared of just being me without another to connect with? Are we together for all the right reasons? Why does it feel like all the negative questions stab at me as if I were betraying my own self? When will I ever know? The tears I hold back, are they for him or for me....