(no subject)
okay, so as not to flood my friend's LJ's with a long post on how pathetically depressed I am from November until June I'm including an LJ-cut so my poems are hidden.
I still haven't opened the last letter she sent to me... I got it in the mail shortly after she died, she apparently sent it to me the morning or day before she died... I just can't bring myself to look at it
What if she was writing to tell me that she wanted to end it? that she'd found someone else and couldn't do the long distance thing and couldn't wait for the wedding?
Or worse yet, what if she was writing to tell me something really good? I just can't do it... but I will read it with her soon. I'm going to go to England to bring some f@#$ing closure to this... or at least I hope I can.
she really rocked my world off of it's hinges and I'm so far out of orbit that I don't think I'll ever feel the warmpth of the sun again
well anyway,
Counting
Once
You came to me
an answer to my prayers
an answer to my hopes and dreams
an answer to my pain
Twice
You kissed me
the first time we met
one for Ryan your friend
and one for Ryan your love
Three times
I pinched myself
just to make sure
I wasn't still dreaming
Four times
I drove around
the airport parking lot
waiting for your plane
Five times
I wrote to you
letters that
I could never send
Six times
I prayed for death
when I heard
you were gone
Seven times
I missed work
because I couldn't
live without you
Eight times
I cried for you
each day
for a year
Nine times
I got to sleep
without the pain
of an empty bed
Ten times
I've tried to go
to see you
and release this pain
_____________________________________________
Traveling
I come for you
My love, My breath
my everlasting soul
From miles away
by plane, by bus
your love my only goal
I see you still
in my mind's eye
laying safe and sound
but it will only add
to my deep pain
to see your bed of ground
You won't be there
of that I'm sure
you're in another place
Yet I'm stuck here
crippled with pain
for that I am disgraced
You loved me so
as I loved you
you never wanted pain
But the love we shared
runs deeper than death
and was subtle as a train
So I come for you
my love my breath
my everlasting soul
To cleanse myself
of this pain inside
so that I might fill this hole
____________________________________________________
"Everyday"
You comprise my life
in it's entirety
I think of you in daytime
and I dream of you at night
Your sweet perfume
fills my nose
in the evenings,
right before I sleep
Your hair tickles my face
in the morning
when I use your old brush
or maybe I'm imagining?
The soap you used
to do the wash
smells strongly on your pajamas
that you left behind
A phrase I heard
on the street
from an Englishman
that we once laughed about
The sand we walked
on the beach
I see each time I go
and so I don't any longer
I lost everything I was
and everything I could be
all because of
the you I've come now to be
____________________________
Copy
A perfect copy of you
left behind
in my soul
and in my mind
Every hair and
every smile
every step
and every mile
And every song
that caused us bliss
the perfect song
for our perfect kiss
The way you laughed
the way you cried
the way you hurt
the way I tried
The ache of yearn
the ache of gain
the hurt of love
the hurt of pain
the glisten of sweat
the heaving breast
your erotic lips
your erotic nest
the way you walked
you'd blind a room
you're to be my bride
I to be the groom
how you drank wine
how we laughed at night
how you fought so fair
in each rare fight
how you slept on my chest
how you silently snored
how I lay there for hours
without getting bored.
A perfect copy of you
left behind
in my soul
and in my mind
But there's nothing left
to focus on
because I am here
and you are gone
- November is Thanksgiving and she was SO excited about having a family turkey dinner with me and my family
- December is Christmas, never liked christmas much anyway but it's hard now without her...
- January goes too quickly because I dread February
- February sucks because it's my Birthday month as well as Valentine's day (not the same day thank god) and there are too many memories of her in relation to this month
- March was the Greatest month in my life because I was with her, and since she's gone, it serves as nothing more than a reminder of exactly what it is that I've lost
- April is when she was murdered
- May is when she was supposed to come back from England to get married (which I was planning on surprising her by coming up 2 weeks early to do)
I still haven't opened the last letter she sent to me... I got it in the mail shortly after she died, she apparently sent it to me the morning or day before she died... I just can't bring myself to look at it
What if she was writing to tell me that she wanted to end it? that she'd found someone else and couldn't do the long distance thing and couldn't wait for the wedding?
Or worse yet, what if she was writing to tell me something really good? I just can't do it... but I will read it with her soon. I'm going to go to England to bring some f@#$ing closure to this... or at least I hope I can.
she really rocked my world off of it's hinges and I'm so far out of orbit that I don't think I'll ever feel the warmpth of the sun again
well anyway,
Counting
Once
You came to me
an answer to my prayers
an answer to my hopes and dreams
an answer to my pain
Twice
You kissed me
the first time we met
one for Ryan your friend
and one for Ryan your love
Three times
I pinched myself
just to make sure
I wasn't still dreaming
Four times
I drove around
the airport parking lot
waiting for your plane
Five times
I wrote to you
letters that
I could never send
Six times
I prayed for death
when I heard
you were gone
Seven times
I missed work
because I couldn't
live without you
Eight times
I cried for you
each day
for a year
Nine times
I got to sleep
without the pain
of an empty bed
Ten times
I've tried to go
to see you
and release this pain
_____________________________________________
Traveling
I come for you
My love, My breath
my everlasting soul
From miles away
by plane, by bus
your love my only goal
I see you still
in my mind's eye
laying safe and sound
but it will only add
to my deep pain
to see your bed of ground
You won't be there
of that I'm sure
you're in another place
Yet I'm stuck here
crippled with pain
for that I am disgraced
You loved me so
as I loved you
you never wanted pain
But the love we shared
runs deeper than death
and was subtle as a train
So I come for you
my love my breath
my everlasting soul
To cleanse myself
of this pain inside
so that I might fill this hole
____________________________________________________
"Everyday"
You comprise my life
in it's entirety
I think of you in daytime
and I dream of you at night
Your sweet perfume
fills my nose
in the evenings,
right before I sleep
Your hair tickles my face
in the morning
when I use your old brush
or maybe I'm imagining?
The soap you used
to do the wash
smells strongly on your pajamas
that you left behind
A phrase I heard
on the street
from an Englishman
that we once laughed about
The sand we walked
on the beach
I see each time I go
and so I don't any longer
I lost everything I was
and everything I could be
all because of
the you I've come now to be
____________________________
Copy
A perfect copy of you
left behind
in my soul
and in my mind
Every hair and
every smile
every step
and every mile
And every song
that caused us bliss
the perfect song
for our perfect kiss
The way you laughed
the way you cried
the way you hurt
the way I tried
The ache of yearn
the ache of gain
the hurt of love
the hurt of pain
the glisten of sweat
the heaving breast
your erotic lips
your erotic nest
the way you walked
you'd blind a room
you're to be my bride
I to be the groom
how you drank wine
how we laughed at night
how you fought so fair
in each rare fight
how you slept on my chest
how you silently snored
how I lay there for hours
without getting bored.
A perfect copy of you
left behind
in my soul
and in my mind
But there's nothing left
to focus on
because I am here
and you are gone