(no subject)
it's times like these that I wax poetic and feel that I need to vent so... well it's my journal so I'll write what I feel.
I miss Sarah.... a lot. I loved her with everything that I had, my body, my heart and my soul, and it was returned.
when I lost her, I lost myself and I've been searching for even a small fragment ever since. I realize that I'm almost 30 and have wasted the past 4 years of my life being in love with a dead woman. how foolish am I?
I've been sabotaging my friendships with women because I'm afraid of hurting them once they find out that I'm emotionally dead inside... is it worth it to lead them on really? no, I think not.
but on the other hand, is it just me who's afraid of losing them? am I so terrified of loving again that I sabotage myself in order to keep myself locked away in my own personal hell? this cycle of pain and misery that has become so normal to my everyday life that I no longer know how to live a normal life?
god I'm fucked up in the heart.
and that's the worst thing about it. I KNOW I'm messed up but I can't figure it out. I'm lacking the closure that goes with loss such as this.
that's it, I've decided that I'm going to go on holiday to visit England and Ireland in late spring/early summer I'll visit her grave, pay my respects and say goodbye. maybe visit her family and mee them and try not to hurt her father who killed her.
and then, on to the good beer, the beautiful scenery, and the good companionship....
can any brits out there give me an idea of what it would cost in pounds for 6 days of dining and drinking?
also planning on Ireland, so can anyone help me out with average prices of things in Euros? I don't want to spend a lot of money on dining, no more than normal people that is, I don't need to do the fine dining thing.
okay, I'm pooped, thanks for listening...er..... reading..... errr well you get the idea...
I miss Sarah.... a lot. I loved her with everything that I had, my body, my heart and my soul, and it was returned.
when I lost her, I lost myself and I've been searching for even a small fragment ever since. I realize that I'm almost 30 and have wasted the past 4 years of my life being in love with a dead woman. how foolish am I?
I've been sabotaging my friendships with women because I'm afraid of hurting them once they find out that I'm emotionally dead inside... is it worth it to lead them on really? no, I think not.
but on the other hand, is it just me who's afraid of losing them? am I so terrified of loving again that I sabotage myself in order to keep myself locked away in my own personal hell? this cycle of pain and misery that has become so normal to my everyday life that I no longer know how to live a normal life?
god I'm fucked up in the heart.
and that's the worst thing about it. I KNOW I'm messed up but I can't figure it out. I'm lacking the closure that goes with loss such as this.
that's it, I've decided that I'm going to go on holiday to visit England and Ireland in late spring/early summer I'll visit her grave, pay my respects and say goodbye. maybe visit her family and mee them and try not to hurt her father who killed her.
and then, on to the good beer, the beautiful scenery, and the good companionship....
can any brits out there give me an idea of what it would cost in pounds for 6 days of dining and drinking?
also planning on Ireland, so can anyone help me out with average prices of things in Euros? I don't want to spend a lot of money on dining, no more than normal people that is, I don't need to do the fine dining thing.
okay, I'm pooped, thanks for listening...er..... reading..... errr well you get the idea...