confused...
I honestly dont know what to do with myself. I've spent the past 5 days stressing the hell out to the point I gave myself heart palpitations and made a mental plan of what to do if I had a heart attack in Lakes Entrance! On my mind: (on a good day!) My relationship with W and where we're going (if anywhere :(), my impending overseas travels, my health, my studies, my mum's deteriorating health, my parents selling and moving from the only home I've ever known, the relationship between my family members (or lack thereof), my work/clients/career plan, and most hauntingly, the people, regrets and disappointments from my past - things I cannot change, but hate that happened. As for when to do my washing, what to have for b'fast, lunch or dinner, clean my room/the house etc, they all get lost in between these more important thoughts!!!!!
I feel so overwhelmed. I'm trying to deal with one thing at a time, but the issues in our lives dont present one at a time unfortunately! I've spent the majority of the past 4 days working on my final uni essay for the year. I'm feeling less stressed about it now that it's coming together and I still have the w'end evenings and Monday to finish it off. But the nights... the nights were filled with thoughts of W, where we're at, where we're going, if I'm loved/wanted/missed, analysing everything in my mind, words, actions, thoughts... it never ends. I spent the four hour drive back today just thinking about what to say to him when I saw him for only the second time in 2 weeks. Would it be a positive? Would he smile and be happy to see me? Would he be on the couch, tired and jetlagged? I knew not what to expect, or how I could begin to share my thoughts and feelings. In the end he was asleep in his bed and invited me to nap with him. Very little was said at all in fact. Gentle hugs and pecks were had, nice snuggles with caressing and sleep. I shed a few tears laying down facing each other, seeing him like that so gentle, sleepy, smiley, beautiful. I couldn't help think, as I caressed his face, arm, hair, "would this be the last time?"....
After a nap and some time NOT talking about anything significant, W said he was gonna get ready to pick up the boys and I took the hint and headed to my car. It was only saying goodbye at the car, with a hug and a peck kiss I heard, "love you"... almost automatically I returned the sentiment, wondering if he meant it as much as I did. He never said it once the whole time he was overseas. So did he mean it when he DIDN'T say it (as in he didnt say it as it wasnt true) or does he mean it now, when he DID say it. And this is why I get so confused! It's also why women drive men nuts overanalysing things!
So what do *I* want? You may ask...*sits and thinks*
In my partner: I want to be adored by them. I want him to smile when I call. I want him to be excited about coming home to me at the end of his day, or conversely be excited when he knows I'm coming home. I want him to think of me at other times, and either tell me (when, why) or show me with a token gift of the moment. I want him to talk to his mates about me, but only ever in a positive light - I want them to ask how I am as well, and care. I want him to ask me how I am, how I slept, how my trip/drive was, how my day was, what my day entailed, how my friends are, etc, etc, etc. I understand that putting all that in one sentence sounds like a fulltime job but I dont want a nightly interview!! I just need to know he CARES! He cares enough to ask at least one or two things of me when he sees me. Anyone who knows me IRL knows I'm actually a very quiet person and dont always offer these details if not requested. I dont like to impose my problems on others. There's of course soooo much more I look for in a partner, but they're the issues on my mind right now. They're the things that would make a good start at making me happy.
In my life: I need my mum's health to improve before I go overseas. I cant live without my mum. I need her guidance for many years beyond now. Perhaps I have some untapped anger towards my dad who I always guessed would want to return to the country. He was never happy here. I dunno why they even moved to Melb! But only now that they're selling our home to "more important people" does the house look immaculate! Gardens done, lawns done, cleaning, weeding, inside and out - everything is spotless! In fact, it doesn't even look like the home I grew up in simply because there's nothing of us left there. Actually, you know what I did and I'm sure pissed them off when they found it renovating? I used scissors and stuff to carve my height into the door edging in my bedroom! Oops! I'm kinda glad something of me will be left there. At least until someone sands it back and repaints it or something!
Magik's End Of Year "Achievements" 2013:
- Likely to lose boyfriend she loves
- Losing the only home she's ever known
- Scared about losing mother to unknown illness
- Scared mum with get sick/er while I'm o/s
- Concerned mum and dad will be 4 hrs away from good medical treatment once they move
- Concerned only us "kids" will be left here, but none of us communicating effectively and ending up solitary
- Concerned for my own health and abilities to travel
- Concerned my mental health may deteriorate trying to deal with aforementioned stressors
- Haven't written one damn poem in as long as I can remember.................
Magik-cant-write-a-poem
I feel so overwhelmed. I'm trying to deal with one thing at a time, but the issues in our lives dont present one at a time unfortunately! I've spent the majority of the past 4 days working on my final uni essay for the year. I'm feeling less stressed about it now that it's coming together and I still have the w'end evenings and Monday to finish it off. But the nights... the nights were filled with thoughts of W, where we're at, where we're going, if I'm loved/wanted/missed, analysing everything in my mind, words, actions, thoughts... it never ends. I spent the four hour drive back today just thinking about what to say to him when I saw him for only the second time in 2 weeks. Would it be a positive? Would he smile and be happy to see me? Would he be on the couch, tired and jetlagged? I knew not what to expect, or how I could begin to share my thoughts and feelings. In the end he was asleep in his bed and invited me to nap with him. Very little was said at all in fact. Gentle hugs and pecks were had, nice snuggles with caressing and sleep. I shed a few tears laying down facing each other, seeing him like that so gentle, sleepy, smiley, beautiful. I couldn't help think, as I caressed his face, arm, hair, "would this be the last time?"....
After a nap and some time NOT talking about anything significant, W said he was gonna get ready to pick up the boys and I took the hint and headed to my car. It was only saying goodbye at the car, with a hug and a peck kiss I heard, "love you"... almost automatically I returned the sentiment, wondering if he meant it as much as I did. He never said it once the whole time he was overseas. So did he mean it when he DIDN'T say it (as in he didnt say it as it wasnt true) or does he mean it now, when he DID say it. And this is why I get so confused! It's also why women drive men nuts overanalysing things!
So what do *I* want? You may ask...*sits and thinks*
In my partner: I want to be adored by them. I want him to smile when I call. I want him to be excited about coming home to me at the end of his day, or conversely be excited when he knows I'm coming home. I want him to think of me at other times, and either tell me (when, why) or show me with a token gift of the moment. I want him to talk to his mates about me, but only ever in a positive light - I want them to ask how I am as well, and care. I want him to ask me how I am, how I slept, how my trip/drive was, how my day was, what my day entailed, how my friends are, etc, etc, etc. I understand that putting all that in one sentence sounds like a fulltime job but I dont want a nightly interview!! I just need to know he CARES! He cares enough to ask at least one or two things of me when he sees me. Anyone who knows me IRL knows I'm actually a very quiet person and dont always offer these details if not requested. I dont like to impose my problems on others. There's of course soooo much more I look for in a partner, but they're the issues on my mind right now. They're the things that would make a good start at making me happy.
In my life: I need my mum's health to improve before I go overseas. I cant live without my mum. I need her guidance for many years beyond now. Perhaps I have some untapped anger towards my dad who I always guessed would want to return to the country. He was never happy here. I dunno why they even moved to Melb! But only now that they're selling our home to "more important people" does the house look immaculate! Gardens done, lawns done, cleaning, weeding, inside and out - everything is spotless! In fact, it doesn't even look like the home I grew up in simply because there's nothing of us left there. Actually, you know what I did and I'm sure pissed them off when they found it renovating? I used scissors and stuff to carve my height into the door edging in my bedroom! Oops! I'm kinda glad something of me will be left there. At least until someone sands it back and repaints it or something!
Magik's End Of Year "Achievements" 2013:
- Likely to lose boyfriend she loves
- Losing the only home she's ever known
- Scared about losing mother to unknown illness
- Scared mum with get sick/er while I'm o/s
- Concerned mum and dad will be 4 hrs away from good medical treatment once they move
- Concerned only us "kids" will be left here, but none of us communicating effectively and ending up solitary
- Concerned for my own health and abilities to travel
- Concerned my mental health may deteriorate trying to deal with aforementioned stressors
- Haven't written one damn poem in as long as I can remember.................
Magik-cant-write-a-poem