Update on the heartbreak
As I haven't been writing in here daily about how heartbroken and devastated I am, you could probably guess things have returned to a good place between W and I. We lasted two whole painful days apart, still in contact via text and phone, before he came to his senses and realised what a great thing we have. He still doesn't know if he wants to have children with me in the future, but it is just just - in the future. I am not ready to have children yet for so many reasons. My mind needs to be strengthened, my body needs to repair and regenerate and I want to develop my sense of spirituality. All of these things are required before I can consider bringing another life into this world. W is nowhere near ready either and I am not blind to that! He is not yet divorced for a start! He needs time still to get into a headspace where he can begin to see some kind of future for himself and the boys, and only then can he maybe find a place in it for me too. He too is working on strengthening his life again in many ways. His heart is still healing and I think in the time we spent apart he realised the part I have had the honour of playing in his healing. He has a truly beautiful and honest soul and an open heart and I want him to feel at his strongest when we take our next step together. It will take time for him to renew his trust in those closest to him, and I am healing in the same way. I feel I am working so very hard to be trustworthy and solid as a rock for him so he can cling to me and grow. I am laughing now as I have the image in my head as him being the moss (ie parasite) growing over me (the rock)! hehe. He is the furthest thing from a parasite in my life, although there are times I feel like I am one in his. Maybe that will be a feeling of the past though.
Since our little break-up I have felt a new sense of security with W. I really feel that he wants me in his life and that I play an important role in both his life and those of his kids. I know all three play a very special role in mine - I even dream about the kids quite often! Although our circumstances haven't exactly changed I feel like our relationship has turned a page. A new chapter has begun for us and it is time that we all learn and grow for awhile before the next chapter can begin. That is all of us, including the kids. My relationship with the boys is growing with every day I spend with them. The youngest comes to me now with affection and love, I no longer need to try to get it from him. He has a special little place in my heart and makes me smile so often. The eldest is changing rapidly, now demanding more and more of my attention. This is a healthy development but I have to be careful to encourage positive exchanges of time and attention and discourage the negative. I so want him to feel the same love and care that I am allowed to show to the little one, but he is not yet ready to express or receive it. I will continue to move at his pace and level of comfort.
W is away overseas all week and it has been a tough few days so far with four more to go. He returns on my birthday! A great birthday present but a stressful week in the lead up! I have been feeling overwhelmingly stressed and anxious this week, even before he left. A couple of weeks ago I was able to tell my doctor I have only required the assistance of Sir Valium on rare occasions, like once a week or fortnight. This past week and half it's been basically every day and sometimes more that once a day. I dont like that. I dislike relying on a medication to make me feel better. The problem is if you dont know the cause you can't treat it. If the cause is W being overseas I cant treat it. Speaking to him does help at the time, but it is only for a few minutes later in the day, twice if I am lucky. I do not worry about him being over there at all, I have complete trust in him to stay safe and be true, negative thoughts do not even enter my mind along those lines. I think the issue is that I have only myself to rely on when he is gone. I cannot call him on a whim just to hear his voice or tell him something. I am spending my days waiting for his call and then feeling sad when it is over so quickly. This is not the person I want to be - relying on a man for my happiness.
In the days just prior to the break up I had an existential crisis. I think some part of me knew what was coming. I messaged an old friend on facebook asking her advice on the true meaning of life. In fact I think I'd like to have it here as a permanent reminder:
Firstly, let me say that while I consider myself a very spiritual person and being and try to live by those ideals, I too have my moments where I question everything I believe in and what the purpose of it all is! Maybe that's part of it.... life, our journey, our existence even, questioning and answering, growing and learning, constantly challenging and changing?
For me, the things that matter the most are all the little things. I never ceased to be amazed by mother nature. Her beauty, her power, her destruction, her ability to regenerate and just her magnificence and energy. Such simplicity yet such contradiction too.. just like us I guess!
I also think that when we are in spirit there are many things that we can't experience in a human way. Smells and tastes and feels for example. I'm not sure if you've ever seen the movie City of Angels but I think it's a bit like that. And while I'm here I want to be able to enjoy all those little things and not taken them too much for granted.
In saying that, I also believe that we are here for a purpose. The 'big picture' purpose I'm not 100% sure about - possibly to reach perfection - but I truly believe that we live more than one lifetime and in each one we have particular lessons that we come to learn. Of course, we have free will and may change course while we're here, but I think if we don't succeed then we'll just have to do it again. I know in this lifetime I sure as hell want to learn whatever it is I'm here to do because I don't want to have to do this one again! Haha
I don't believe in 'heaven and hell'. I guess I believe in heaven to some degree in terms of a place where spirit resides. I believe that we are our own judge and jury when the time comes to pass from this lifetime. We are not judged by a man at the pearly white gates! I believe that we make soul contracts with people and those key people in our lives (for good or bad) are here to help us learn and grow.
What makes all of that enough to get me out of bed everyday? To make life worthwhile? Well as I said, some days it's not so easy. But most days it's just a deep seated faith that there's a reason behind this life. And I'm driven by my desire to want to make this world a better place, to help serve people in a way that will make a difference in their lives. Probably sounds a bit cliche but making a difference to someone's life, to many people's lives, means more than I can express in words.
There's a lot of sadness and negativity in the world but I hold on to the imagination of a life where we aren't judged, where we aren't afraid, where we could be exactly who we are, where there is kindness and love and joy at every corner you see. A big ideal I know, and it may never happen, but all I have to do is play my part!! For all the not so good things about the world I think there's so many more wonderful things.
I always think about that song 'what a wonderful world'. And it is!!
Isn't that just beautiful? She inspired me so much that day and it was that evening that W said those tough words to me. There is every chance her positivity gave me the strength to survive the next couple of days without being self destructive. We'll call her K as she is going to be a huge influence in my life this year and I'm sure I will have more to write about her. After writing all that she had the generosity to offer to life coach me at no cost! I eagerly accepted and we have now spent two sessions together working out the direction I want my life to take and we will explore steps I can take to get there. I feel so spiritually in tune with K, not only from what she has written above but also things she has posted and said over the years. She is always so positive even in the face of adversity and inspires me to be positive as well. The last few nights I have taken the opportunity to thank the Universe for something in my life via a quick little FB post. While many dont get it, it doesn't matter. It is my little way of sending out a burst of positive energy and being truly thankful for being as lucky as I am amidst all the horror, dishonesty and sadness other people in our world suffer. I am truly blessed.
Magikpoet.