(no subject)
I have a few entries floating around in my head that I've been wanting to write about. I guess I just need to get them out there.
One is kind of a spinoff of my mental health. We all know I have issues. (read back on my previous entries) and that I have been abused. I have mentioned Suicide attempts but not gone into detail.
I will cut this here for triggering detail.
My first attempt was in 2000... I was at a low point in my life. I felt I had nothing good going for me. I was a C/D student at best. I was dealing with Mental Abuse daily. I've always had very few friends. (something I now know is nothing all that bad) and the few friends I did have were going through changes in their lives at the same time and not needing me around as much. As does happen in High School as we all do know. But for someone with mental issues and instability at home it is devastating.
I had a great boyfriend at the time. I considered him my first love. I'll use that term loosely because now a days I am unsure what love really means anymore. We broke up and I pretty much lost it. I felt as if it the one string that was holding me up just broke and let me fall. I had nothing to grasp onto so I just did the first thing that came to my mind. Try to end my life. There was nothing left for me. I had no father. My mother was abusive. My family obviously didn’t care about me since they let her. My friends weren't there for me. My boyfriend just gave me the "let's just be friends speech." I was done.
So I went to the kitchen and grabbed as many bottles from the Medicine Cabinet and started taking them. I took a lot of pills that night. The bulk of them being Tylenol (acetaminophen) and Advil (ibuprofen). I am really unsure of the rest of the pills I took. I do remember lying on my bed starting to black out.
My best friend Bill in Massachusetts was talking to me on the computer... I had told him what I did before I laid down. He called me. I vaguely remember him talking to me as I started floating in and out of consciousness. Finally he said "Give me Chris' number" (my ex) so I did. He called him, and Chris called 911.
Next thing I know Police, Fire, and Ambulance are coming through the front door. I don't remember unlocking it, but at some point I must have. They took me to the hospital. They pumped my stomach in the ER. My mother met us there. Flipping out on me. The staff of course flipped on her.
I was in ICU for 4 days and Intermediate care for 3 on suicide watch. I had to see a Psychiatrist and a therapist. They put me on antidepressants but they just made me into a zombie... so I convinced them that I was "ok" enough to come off of them. I literally slept all day and all night never eating but still gained a ton of weight. I hated it.
Once I was off of the pills I felt marvelously better. But I wasn't
In 2002 I tried to kill myself again. Not many people know this. Because I never made it to a Dr or hospital. I also only told a couple of people.
This time I was living alone. Was on a "break" in the relationship with who is now my 1st ex husband. I was so broke it wasn’t even funny. I couldn’t even afford to feed myself. I only had just enough money to pay bills and feed my cats. I just BARELY had enough money to get gas in my car to go to class.
Again no friends. This time only because I had just moved to Washington, and hadn't had opportunities to socialize. The kids at school had NOTHING in common with me. So we never really hung out except at lunch. Even then we hardly talked. I just did homework.
So I got a few bottles of sleeping pills this time and took them all. I laid down thinking this should be it. No one knows I am even here. I hardly even talked to my family.
I ended up having an indescribable out of body experience. It was insane. I woke up late afternoon the next day. That convinced me that I am meant to be here and will not try to kill myself again.
I am no way promoting Suicide. I am just telling my stories. Because of my first attempt I have permanent liver and kidney damage. I am no longer allowed to take Tylenol. I have to get my levels tested yearly to make sure they aren't too high. If I am pain they won’t prescribe me pain medications without second or third thought.
I now am on a daily regime of pills to even out my moods. So I am stable. I will be this way for the rest of my life. Depression and mood disorders are no laughing matter. They are not made up. If you know someone who is depressed encourage them to get help but don't be pushy. If they refuse help there is honestly nothing you can do. The saying goes "You can't help those who won’t help themselves"
Also if you know someone who needs help here's a helpful resource
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
One is kind of a spinoff of my mental health. We all know I have issues. (read back on my previous entries) and that I have been abused. I have mentioned Suicide attempts but not gone into detail.
I will cut this here for triggering detail.
My first attempt was in 2000... I was at a low point in my life. I felt I had nothing good going for me. I was a C/D student at best. I was dealing with Mental Abuse daily. I've always had very few friends. (something I now know is nothing all that bad) and the few friends I did have were going through changes in their lives at the same time and not needing me around as much. As does happen in High School as we all do know. But for someone with mental issues and instability at home it is devastating.
I had a great boyfriend at the time. I considered him my first love. I'll use that term loosely because now a days I am unsure what love really means anymore. We broke up and I pretty much lost it. I felt as if it the one string that was holding me up just broke and let me fall. I had nothing to grasp onto so I just did the first thing that came to my mind. Try to end my life. There was nothing left for me. I had no father. My mother was abusive. My family obviously didn’t care about me since they let her. My friends weren't there for me. My boyfriend just gave me the "let's just be friends speech." I was done.
So I went to the kitchen and grabbed as many bottles from the Medicine Cabinet and started taking them. I took a lot of pills that night. The bulk of them being Tylenol (acetaminophen) and Advil (ibuprofen). I am really unsure of the rest of the pills I took. I do remember lying on my bed starting to black out.
My best friend Bill in Massachusetts was talking to me on the computer... I had told him what I did before I laid down. He called me. I vaguely remember him talking to me as I started floating in and out of consciousness. Finally he said "Give me Chris' number" (my ex) so I did. He called him, and Chris called 911.
Next thing I know Police, Fire, and Ambulance are coming through the front door. I don't remember unlocking it, but at some point I must have. They took me to the hospital. They pumped my stomach in the ER. My mother met us there. Flipping out on me. The staff of course flipped on her.
I was in ICU for 4 days and Intermediate care for 3 on suicide watch. I had to see a Psychiatrist and a therapist. They put me on antidepressants but they just made me into a zombie... so I convinced them that I was "ok" enough to come off of them. I literally slept all day and all night never eating but still gained a ton of weight. I hated it.
Once I was off of the pills I felt marvelously better. But I wasn't
In 2002 I tried to kill myself again. Not many people know this. Because I never made it to a Dr or hospital. I also only told a couple of people.
This time I was living alone. Was on a "break" in the relationship with who is now my 1st ex husband. I was so broke it wasn’t even funny. I couldn’t even afford to feed myself. I only had just enough money to pay bills and feed my cats. I just BARELY had enough money to get gas in my car to go to class.
Again no friends. This time only because I had just moved to Washington, and hadn't had opportunities to socialize. The kids at school had NOTHING in common with me. So we never really hung out except at lunch. Even then we hardly talked. I just did homework.
So I got a few bottles of sleeping pills this time and took them all. I laid down thinking this should be it. No one knows I am even here. I hardly even talked to my family.
I ended up having an indescribable out of body experience. It was insane. I woke up late afternoon the next day. That convinced me that I am meant to be here and will not try to kill myself again.
I am no way promoting Suicide. I am just telling my stories. Because of my first attempt I have permanent liver and kidney damage. I am no longer allowed to take Tylenol. I have to get my levels tested yearly to make sure they aren't too high. If I am pain they won’t prescribe me pain medications without second or third thought.
I now am on a daily regime of pills to even out my moods. So I am stable. I will be this way for the rest of my life. Depression and mood disorders are no laughing matter. They are not made up. If you know someone who is depressed encourage them to get help but don't be pushy. If they refuse help there is honestly nothing you can do. The saying goes "You can't help those who won’t help themselves"
Also if you know someone who needs help here's a helpful resource
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/