(no subject)
Ok... So I am going to actually write about my feelings on my current relationship (the toned down version). I have put a lot of thought into this recently and feel I can finally put this into written word. I still have trouble speaking about without sounding like a bumbling idiot and crying like a baby. I've just been feeling so empty and hurt for so long that its built up to this pressure point and exploded.
Lets start with year one. Things were great as most new relationships seem to be. We had "love" if you call it that. I felt supported emotionally and physically. We were living seperately, but seeing each other every day/night. Staying at his place or mine... Depending on the day.
We then move into year two (not exact transition like this but I am dividing it up for simplicity) we fall further into a comfort zone. Talk about moving in since we have spent so much of every day together. My lease is coming to it's end and I needed to find a new place to live. He had a stable home. We were already sharing finances. Boom. Decision is made. I move in. We continue on. I am still working retail... odd hours. He has a more 9-5 job. So we don't see each other as much.
This is where the emotional and physical needs start to be not met as much for us. We talked about this at length. However it obviously never got fixed. Mind you I was provided for with basic human needs food, shelter, and clothes. So I never thought twice about it.
Year three is when we started planning, and then later had our wedding. Then found out we were having our son. On into pregnancy and infancy stages of my sons childhood all intamacy was lost in the relationship. As happens with most couples.
We tried several things to bring it back. We talked about it. I did a lot of crying over the previous years already and as you can imagine this is where I did a bit more crying.
Going forward into the next two years of my son's life. We lost everything... Basic needs were met for me. I still trudged on doing everything I could as a housewife and mother (being I had quit my job.) However that wasn't enough for me. Emotional and physical needs weren't being met. I could feel alone in a room full of people.
I have never cried so much in my life in the last two years. I know that my crying days are yet to be over. It seems that NO ONE understands the loneliness I have felt over the last few years. Even though I haven't truly been alone.
I have been talking to a stranger in my own home it seems.
In the last few weeks the man I feel in "love" with has done a 180 and turned into a completely different person than even I had thought he was a few months ago.
I am scared for my future. Apparently I am too broken and I just don't know how to pick up the pieces anymore.
Lets start with year one. Things were great as most new relationships seem to be. We had "love" if you call it that. I felt supported emotionally and physically. We were living seperately, but seeing each other every day/night. Staying at his place or mine... Depending on the day.
We then move into year two (not exact transition like this but I am dividing it up for simplicity) we fall further into a comfort zone. Talk about moving in since we have spent so much of every day together. My lease is coming to it's end and I needed to find a new place to live. He had a stable home. We were already sharing finances. Boom. Decision is made. I move in. We continue on. I am still working retail... odd hours. He has a more 9-5 job. So we don't see each other as much.
This is where the emotional and physical needs start to be not met as much for us. We talked about this at length. However it obviously never got fixed. Mind you I was provided for with basic human needs food, shelter, and clothes. So I never thought twice about it.
Year three is when we started planning, and then later had our wedding. Then found out we were having our son. On into pregnancy and infancy stages of my sons childhood all intamacy was lost in the relationship. As happens with most couples.
We tried several things to bring it back. We talked about it. I did a lot of crying over the previous years already and as you can imagine this is where I did a bit more crying.
Going forward into the next two years of my son's life. We lost everything... Basic needs were met for me. I still trudged on doing everything I could as a housewife and mother (being I had quit my job.) However that wasn't enough for me. Emotional and physical needs weren't being met. I could feel alone in a room full of people.
I have never cried so much in my life in the last two years. I know that my crying days are yet to be over. It seems that NO ONE understands the loneliness I have felt over the last few years. Even though I haven't truly been alone.
I have been talking to a stranger in my own home it seems.
In the last few weeks the man I feel in "love" with has done a 180 and turned into a completely different person than even I had thought he was a few months ago.
I am scared for my future. Apparently I am too broken and I just don't know how to pick up the pieces anymore.