welp, here goes
Waking up in ~five hours to set sail to california to see the dude I fell in love with at burning man this year. Last time I fell in love with someone there I considered moving across the country to be with them and we only hung out for one day in the desert. I hung out with this dude for like most the week. I got it bad. I could see myself moving there to be with him if things play out.
But, I suspect perhaps he's not quite that infatuated in the same way? Maybe? Or maybe it's a defense mechanism and I'm just protecting myself. Either way, I feel prepared for either. I intend to at least have a conversation to see if he wants to pursue things, or where this is going, or what. We haven't really set any expectations past this weekend.
We left off in the desert-after being boyfriends for the week-with me saying I wanted one more weekend as his boyfriend. That is this weekend.
I've been on a nostalgic music kick after getting a spotify premium account thanks to a lovely friend. I used to run around in the rain (because I love it) and stomp in puddles listening to clark gable by postal service on repeat. Today I had a nostalgic throwback where I went for a rainwalk listening to them. I sang out loud with my headphones in which is hugely out of my comfort zone but it felt really good. With the earbuds in I have no idea of ambient volume and how loud I'm being which made me anxious at times but also was good to like... do it and realize nothing bad will happen and reinforce the fact that I can do it more. Really trying to get over my fear of singing. Starting to like my voice. I kind of have a sexy-sick-voice like phoebe from friends.
I fall in love really easily. The space has been good, I'm finally recognizing that if I've survived all the other guys I've fallen in love with (only three of which I've been with in a relationship), I'll survive this if it doesn't go that way. And for my growth as an individual, it may be better if I'm single for a while since I just left one relationship. Even though I still hang out with said "ex" and things are still pretty boyfriendy. Life is strange.
I've also never really explored any of california. I went once as a child to disneyland, and I once took a bus to san fran. Twenty hours on a greyhound was a new experience I plan to never recreate. I visited a friend, and we mostly just kicked it at his house (sans one beach visit). Which was fine; I went down to see him. A few years later he killed himself, so I'm especially grateful for that bonus trip.
The only reason this trip is happening is the gracious giving of others in my life. Mostly my first ex. This is the third time he's hooked me up with a plane ticket. Even though he's got a bajillion extra miles from flying for work, I am still a bit incredulous. Burning man, evo, now this. Like my favorite things in life; art music videogames & love.
I am grateful.
I can't believe I get to spend four nights with this man again. Before it was a source of anxiety and fear of loss, now it's a simple gratitude. It was a tough pill to swallow that despite our plans, I may have never gotten this opportunity again. He has really got his fish hook in my heart and I'm not complaining. He's... sweet/kind/thoughtful in a way unlike other guys I've fallen for. Not that they weren't these things, necessarily, but like... This guy is a fucking sweetheart. Like it melts my fucking soul. Good god.
I'm hoping hanging out in the 'default world' as we like to call it, rather than the place of extremes-this desert scene of magic, art, drugs, a sort of free love vibe, a different social dynamic-will level things out. I'm excited to get to know him on a more basic level. We skipped the small talk and it was like a week long date in a bizarro world art museum. I'm excited to see his pretty coastal town (santa barbara) from which he will be moving this coming year.
I'd like to set the intention to leave my expectations elsewhere.
I'd also like to set the intention for my immune system to kick it up a notch and beat this sore throat. I so rarely get sick that I'm having a hard time not being demoralized by the timing of this mild illness. Grateful I'm not like bedridden or that ill-feeling, but it's a bit unfortunate nonetheless. Time for not-enough-sleep which could've been a wiser decision given the subject at hand.
G'night y'all. Wish me luck. <3
But, I suspect perhaps he's not quite that infatuated in the same way? Maybe? Or maybe it's a defense mechanism and I'm just protecting myself. Either way, I feel prepared for either. I intend to at least have a conversation to see if he wants to pursue things, or where this is going, or what. We haven't really set any expectations past this weekend.
We left off in the desert-after being boyfriends for the week-with me saying I wanted one more weekend as his boyfriend. That is this weekend.
I've been on a nostalgic music kick after getting a spotify premium account thanks to a lovely friend. I used to run around in the rain (because I love it) and stomp in puddles listening to clark gable by postal service on repeat. Today I had a nostalgic throwback where I went for a rainwalk listening to them. I sang out loud with my headphones in which is hugely out of my comfort zone but it felt really good. With the earbuds in I have no idea of ambient volume and how loud I'm being which made me anxious at times but also was good to like... do it and realize nothing bad will happen and reinforce the fact that I can do it more. Really trying to get over my fear of singing. Starting to like my voice. I kind of have a sexy-sick-voice like phoebe from friends.
I fall in love really easily. The space has been good, I'm finally recognizing that if I've survived all the other guys I've fallen in love with (only three of which I've been with in a relationship), I'll survive this if it doesn't go that way. And for my growth as an individual, it may be better if I'm single for a while since I just left one relationship. Even though I still hang out with said "ex" and things are still pretty boyfriendy. Life is strange.
I've also never really explored any of california. I went once as a child to disneyland, and I once took a bus to san fran. Twenty hours on a greyhound was a new experience I plan to never recreate. I visited a friend, and we mostly just kicked it at his house (sans one beach visit). Which was fine; I went down to see him. A few years later he killed himself, so I'm especially grateful for that bonus trip.
The only reason this trip is happening is the gracious giving of others in my life. Mostly my first ex. This is the third time he's hooked me up with a plane ticket. Even though he's got a bajillion extra miles from flying for work, I am still a bit incredulous. Burning man, evo, now this. Like my favorite things in life; art music videogames & love.
I am grateful.
I can't believe I get to spend four nights with this man again. Before it was a source of anxiety and fear of loss, now it's a simple gratitude. It was a tough pill to swallow that despite our plans, I may have never gotten this opportunity again. He has really got his fish hook in my heart and I'm not complaining. He's... sweet/kind/thoughtful in a way unlike other guys I've fallen for. Not that they weren't these things, necessarily, but like... This guy is a fucking sweetheart. Like it melts my fucking soul. Good god.
I'm hoping hanging out in the 'default world' as we like to call it, rather than the place of extremes-this desert scene of magic, art, drugs, a sort of free love vibe, a different social dynamic-will level things out. I'm excited to get to know him on a more basic level. We skipped the small talk and it was like a week long date in a bizarro world art museum. I'm excited to see his pretty coastal town (santa barbara) from which he will be moving this coming year.
I'd like to set the intention to leave my expectations elsewhere.
I'd also like to set the intention for my immune system to kick it up a notch and beat this sore throat. I so rarely get sick that I'm having a hard time not being demoralized by the timing of this mild illness. Grateful I'm not like bedridden or that ill-feeling, but it's a bit unfortunate nonetheless. Time for not-enough-sleep which could've been a wiser decision given the subject at hand.
G'night y'all. Wish me luck. <3