It's doll pr0n for you!
Dear Sue:
Ok, well, the phone call last night did sort of eat up my writing time, but it also clarified the fact that needed to get this done. It’s done.
FWIW.
I love you,
d~
Title: When Harry Finally Got Ron, a Harry Potter/Star Trek: Crossover because whatever works
What is this? DOLL PRON!!!!!
Pairings: Harry/Ron. Bones/Jim
Rating: Teen
Warnings: Bad language, even in the 23rd century
Summary: While on a Starfleet/Hogwarts exchange (work with me here) Harry gets Ron to admit his feelings. Doesn't hurt to have the Enterprise's CMO and Captain in on it, though it probably would've been polite to have informed the First Officer.
A/N: Hey, you work with the toys you have at hand.
A/N2: Sometimes I fear for my sanity.
"I think that should do it," Professor Dumbledore said as he draped the large Time-Turner around their shoulders. "This is a very exciting, a unique opportunity for you boys. I should think you would behave yourselves as you will be interacting with a very different culture." His blue eyes twinkled madly behind the half-moon glasses.
"We promise to not get into any trouble, Headmaster," Ron said earnestly. "It's going to be weird being on a space ship, though."
"A starship, Ron," Harry said, adjusting the chain to make sure his body was completely inside the Time-Turner circle. "And we will behave.”
“Now, with that settled, off you go.” He handed them what looked like a child’s silver ray gun. “The Portkey is set to go off in one week at this appointed hour. Just tap it and the Time-Tuner with your wand and say Reverso chronos! and it will bring you home.” He tapped the Time-Turner, murmuring under his breath.
After what seemed like a very bad trip through the longest Floo hole in the history of Floo holes whilst being squeezed into a drunken Apparation, Ron and Harry appeared in what was a very white, very modern Muggle-looking building. Except that it wasn’t a building at all. It was the starship that Prof. Dumbledore had told them about.
“Welcome aboard, gentlemen,” came a low voice from behind them.
Harry and Ron whirled around to find a tall thin man with pointy ears looking at them with a blank expression. “I am Commander Spock. The captain apologizes for not greeting you personally, but something must have come up because at the moment as he is not to be found. It seems to be happening more and more of late,” he mused, almost to himself. Ron and Harry remained quiet, not sure of how to reply to the odd-looking man. “No matter,” the commander resumed. “I shall show you to your quarters.
“What do you think he is?” Ron whispered in Harry’s ear.
“Dunno, but he’s got a ray gun thingee. Wonder if it’s faster than our wands?” Harry whispered back.
“Let’s try it,” Ron murmured with a giggle. “Expelliarmus!”
The phaser flew out of Spock’s hand. As soon as Ron caught it, Spock had him up against the wall of the ship, one hand on his neck.; Harry’s wand was dug into Spock’s back, but Spock’s other hand was around Harry’s wrist in a vise grip. “Don’t even try it,” Spock said in a deadly calm voice.
“Let go of Ron,” Harry said.
“Lower your weapon, son,” came another voice from behind him.
Harry felt the cold nose of something in his back and relaxed. “I’ll take those,” Spock said, plucking Harry’s and Ron’s wands from their hands. He looked at them, running his fingers over the smooth willow and holly wands. “Fascinating,” he said.
“Now, gentlemen, we seem to have gotten off on the wrong foot. I am Jim Kirk, the captain of this fine vessel,” said Kirk.
“Oh, wow, sorry about that, captain,” Ron said, shaking Kirk’s hand. “We were just having a little fun with Mr. Spock.”
“Boys, let me tell you about Spock here,” Kirk said, clapping Harry on the shoulder so hard that it made Harry wince. “Spock doesn’t do fun. He’s a Vulcan. Vulcans are efficient, smart as hell, logical, and emotionless, unless you know which buttons to push. They kiss like demons, but they don’t do fun. Remember that.
Harry and Ron looked at Kirk, then at Spock. “Riiight,” said Harry. “Got it. Do we get one of those?”
“A phaser? Nah,” Kirk said, “you don’t need it.”
“You do,” Ron said.
“But I’m the captain. I can do whatever I want,” Kirk said with a grin and an eyebrow waggle. “Carry on.” He turned and swaggered down the corridor towards sick bay.
“Which is what you’re about to do,” Spock muttered. “Now, Mr. Weasley, Mr, Potter, if you will come this way, I’ll show you to your quarters and to your first guided visit.”
*~*
Harry walked through the hallways of the modern ship, marveling at all the very cool things. It was almost as good as Hogwarts: it lacked the unpredictability of the moving staircases; Slytherins, though he was sure Spock and Snape would get on like a house on fire; and that ineffable smell that is Hogwarts-2 parts mould, 2 parts ancient funk, 2 parts smelly teenagers, and 4 parts whatever was brewing down in the potions classroom. The ship didn’t smell like anything; maybe a little like Uncle Vernon’s new car. If hard pressed he’d have to admit he missed the Hogwarts funk.
Work with me here. I know this isn’t the ship from the new movie; it’s TNG Enterprise. I’ve owned it for 15 years. Don’t come bitching to me about it in comments.]
Walking the Enterprise with the Invisibility Cloak on wasn’t nearly as fun as walking the halls of Hogwarts. There was no Filch or Mrs. Norris to dodge; no Snape to hide from. If hard pressed. . .no, Harry would never admit to missing Filch. Now, Snape was another matter. . . .
However, he found he had to pay hard attention to the doors on the ship. If he got too close, he could open them. Maybe 23rd century technology had figured out magic after all.
Suddenly, three female Starfleet officers came around the corner. “Have you met the redhead?” the green-skinned woman said. “He’s hot.”
“Yes, and he’s funny, too. I think we may just have to give him a Starfleet welcome,” another said. They all laughed.
One of the automated doors slid open with a musical “ping”, and Harry fell through just as the three women passed him. He hit the wall opposite the door and then everything went black.
Harry’s head spun. They were talking about Ron. They had to be talking about Ron. He was funny and redheaded and hot. Very hot. Thinking about a hot Ron made Harry hot, especially since he was under the Invisibility Cloak.
Breathing hard, and dealing with a rather unexpected hard-on over his best mate, Harry then realized he had to deal also with the fact he was standing in the dark. He quietly pushed back from the wall and was mid-step when he hard someone whisper, “I think the coast is clear.”
Harry froze. Where the fuck am I?
“C’mon, Bones, come already.”
“Well, excuse me for not wanting to ejaculate all over your hand just as the goddamn door opened. Computer, light.”
Harry shrunk back into the wall again. He was in a long, narrow supply closet, dimly lit by one light. And under that light, against the back wall was Captain Kirk and some other man. At least he thought it was the captain, but since he’d never seen the captain’s naked arse, he couldn’t be too sure. [Work with me here: ST action figures do NOT have naked arses. Use you imagination….]
“Come on, Bones. You’re nearly there.” Yes, it was the captain. And he’s…with…and they’re…wow. Harry’s brain went splodey.
The man called Bones groaned and moaned and grunted a little as the captain made jerking motions with his arm. Finally, the man called Bones made the unmistakable sound of accomplishing his mission, and he sagged in the handsome captain’s arms.
Harry regretted he didn’t have Ron’s arms to sag into.
“Well, Jim, that was certainly an interesting way to gather supplies for sick bay,” Bones said, tucking himself into his Starfleet-issue uniform trousers. The man called Bones picked up a box, gave the Captain a long, hard kiss and a smile, and walked towards Harry, who momentarily panicked, but then remembered he was still under the Cloak. The doors slid open and closed before Harry realized he was still in damn closet.
“He’s pretty fucking fine, eh?” Captain Kirk said in Harry’s ear.
Harry nearly threw up. He didn’t say anything, hoping the captain was bluffing.
“Oh, come on, Harry, I know it’s you. Professor Dumbledore told me you had an Invisibility Cloak, which is pretty cool because we don’t have that kind of technology even in the 23rd century.”
Harry figured the jig was up and he may as well come clean-except for his boxers-with the captain. He pulled the Cloak off his head, and gulped.
The Captain said nothing, except for smirking and looking smokin’ hot.
“Can I ask you something, Captain Kirk?” Harry stammered.
“Anything, but let’s go back to my quarters. . . .”
*~*
Ron Weasley was pacing in his and Harry’s quarters. The note was on the floor:
Ron-Gone to the surface with the Captain on an away mission. Back soon. Love Harry.
[Work with me here, people.]
Harry. On another planet. Without him. What had he been thinking? Of course, Ron had been involved in an epic chess match-totally epic-with Chekov that brought the “Chess Championship of the Fucking Universe” (as they were calling it) to Hogwarts and the 20th century-because bitches, sometimes old school still has the goods-and then Chekov introduced him to 3-D chess which took up several more hours. Ron heaved a sigh at that huge sentence hanging in his head. How could Harry just leave him here?
Suddenly, something in the room chirped. “Mr. Weasley?” came a voice out of the wall.
“WHAT?” Ron yelled, hoping that would cover it since he had no clue where or what was talking to him.
“Ron, just press the button on the wall by the door.”
Following the instructions, he walked over and punched the button on the wall. “WHAT?”
“No need to shout. This is Doctor McCoy. You need to come to sick bay.”
“Well, where the hell is THAT? I’m from Hogwarts, not Starfleet.”
“Oh, for. . .I’ll send Chekov to get you. McCoy out.”
The doctor sounded put out, which worried Ron, but not as much as thinking about his Harry.
His Harry. Since when did Harry become his? Since always. Harry has always been mine. The revelation hit Ron like a phaser beam set on stun. (Ron was momentarily distracted by the fact he’d used the phrase correctly.) Harry-yeah, his Harry. Something broke inside him, something like a dam over that part of his heart he reserved especially for Harry, for when Harry got a damn clue and realized that he, Ron, was more than just a sidekick, more than just a dorm mate; he, Ron, was a seriously hot, red-headed guy with a serious jones for his best mate, Harry.
Ron was still contemplating that enormous revelatory sentence when Chekov showed up and started babbling in Russian, English and some other language one of the crew members called “Spanglish.”
“Come! Come!” Chekov urged. [Damn! Now I need a Chekov action figure for this Ron/Chekov bunny I just got. Because chess nerds are hot, baby!]
“Not now, Chekov,” Ron said.
Chekov was momentarily confused but carried on nonetheless with his incessant babbling. “Dees vay! Dees vay!”
Chekov stopped suddenly before a door marked “Sick Bay”, and the doors slid open (Ron loved the fact he didn’t have to know any damn passwords to open the doors on the Enterprise.) There before him was a most frightening sight:
The often taciturn Doctor McCoy standing over his Harry with some sort of stick with a twirly light. Cool! Wonder if there’s a spell that can make that kind of light? “You’re going to be just fine, son, take it easy,” the doctor was saying.
And on the bed was Harry. His robes were dusty and torn. But even worse was the fact that-GULP!-Harry was missing part of his arm!!!
“What the fuck happened?” Ron squeaked out in a high pitched voice. “Oh, my fucking god! What happened?”
“Ron!” Harry managed to say. “Ron.”
Harry’s face-his sweet, beloved face-was shining with sweat and grime, his glasses askew. Ron almost shoved the doctor out of the way, but thought better of it since McCoy easily outweighed him and was packing heat.
“Oh, god, Harry. What happened?” Ron repeated.
“Well,” Harry said, breathing heavily, “there was this dog….”
[Work with me here. Fred was available and I had nothing else. Besides, Fred brings his own special scariness to action figures as he truly IS responsible for Harry’s arm being chewed off.]
The sick bay door slid open again, and Captain Kirk came in. “How you doing, Harry?” Kirk asked.
Before Harry could respond, Ron rounded on him. “YOU BASTARD! You’re supposed to protect him. What the FUCK were you thinking taking him down to a planet inhabited by wild, arm-eating dog-things?”
“Whoa, now, Ron,” Kirk said, putting up his hands. “Every away mission involves a certain amount of danger, but Harry wanted to go. Besides, Harry was telling us your Madam Pomfrey has the magical ability to regrow limbs.”
“Bones!” Ron shouted. “Bones!”
“There’s no need to shout,” Doctor McCoy said, “I'm right here. And sorry, but you don’t get to call me that.”
“What? No, you idiot! Madam Pomfrey can regrow bones, not arms,” Ron roared.
“Really?” McCoy said, his eyes lighting up wildly. “That’s fascinating. . .”
“What’s fascinating, Doctor?”
“Spock, Ron here was saying there is a magic that regrows bones,” McCoy said.
“That is fascinating,” said Spock said, his voice modulating ever so slightly upwards, giving aural evidence that Spock indeed found it fascinating.
“Wait a minute,” Ron said. “How come Harry is all beat up and you look like you just stepped out of a-a fashion magazine?”
Kirk had the good grace to look somewhat abashed by the faux pas he committed. “Well, uh….”
“I treated him first,” McCoy said, quickly. “And he changed back in my office.”
“How come you treated him first? Harry’s company,” Ron said, miffed.
“The Captain outranks even ship guests,” Spock said. “Starfleet regulation 045.3867 states that. . .”
“He’s right, Spock,” Kirk said. “Bones, how rude of you. You should have gotten Harry cleaned up first.”
“He’s not nearly as interesting as you are,” McCoy murmured in the captain’s ear. “Well, I’m still treating his injuries. Fortunately, they are not life threatening. But come along, Captain, Spock. Let’s check that regulation.”
McCoy tugged at Kirk’s sleeve and motioned to Spock to follow him back to the office.
“I get the impression they wanted to leave us alone,” Ron said, sitting on the bed next to Harry, very closely. He put his arms around him. “God, what are you going to do?”
“I’ll be all right, I think,” Harry said, laying his head on Ron’s shoulder. “You’re really concerned, aren’t you?”
“Of course, I am, you idiot. Look at your arm. It’s mangled. Does it hurt much?”
“Nah. The doc gave me something for the pain. But you know, a-a little kiss might help too.”
That was all the invitation Ron needed. He gently pressed Harry into the surprisingly comfortable medical bed, and damn them all, but he was going to finally give his Harry a kiss!
While Ron and Harry kissed, the doctor and the captain came out to check on them. “Aww, look at them. They’re so sweet. So inspiring,” Kirk said, and he embraced the doctor.
Spock returned to the medical bay and was completely nonplussed by the scene before him. “Ahem.” When no one looked, he turned. “Carry on, gentlemen. Dammit. Now I need to find Uhura.”
Ron finally released Harry’s lips from a most excellent kiss. “Hey! HEY! It worked! Your arm! It grew back! It’s a miracle!!”
*~*
“Well, gentlemen, it has been an honor to have you aboard the ship,” Kirk said, standing very close to Bones in their quarters.
“Doctor, thank you, for everything,” Harry said with an extremely goofy grin on his face. “Really.”
“I hope everything is ok between you and Ron,” McCoy whispered, as Harry hugged him. “It was awfully risky to pull a stunt like you and Jim did just to get Ron to admit his feelings.”
“It worked out very well,” Harry said dreamily. “Thanks for going along. Jim said he’d pay you back well.”
“He did. Very well,” McCoy smirked.
“Ron,” Jim Kirk said, “take care. Take care of each other.”
“We will,” Ron said, “thanks to you. I’ve almost forgiven you.”
“Fortunately for me, you have a long time to work on it,” Kirk said, winking.
“And here are these fascinating wooden sticks,” Spock said, handing them to Harry and Ron. “They defy all scientific inquiry and logic, but they do seem to work.”
“Yes, they do,” Ron said. “Try this one.” He waved his wand and said an incantation just as Harry said, “Reverso chronos!”
As they whirled out of sight, they heard a low, hysterical guffawing. “Good god, Jim!” McCoy exclaimed. “He’s laughing. The green-blooded hobgoblin is laughing!”
Ok, well, the phone call last night did sort of eat up my writing time, but it also clarified the fact that needed to get this done. It’s done.
FWIW.
I love you,
d~
Title: When Harry Finally Got Ron, a Harry Potter/Star Trek: Crossover because whatever works
What is this? DOLL PRON!!!!!
Pairings: Harry/Ron. Bones/Jim
Rating: Teen
Warnings: Bad language, even in the 23rd century
Summary: While on a Starfleet/Hogwarts exchange (work with me here) Harry gets Ron to admit his feelings. Doesn't hurt to have the Enterprise's CMO and Captain in on it, though it probably would've been polite to have informed the First Officer.
A/N: Hey, you work with the toys you have at hand.
A/N2: Sometimes I fear for my sanity.
"I think that should do it," Professor Dumbledore said as he draped the large Time-Turner around their shoulders. "This is a very exciting, a unique opportunity for you boys. I should think you would behave yourselves as you will be interacting with a very different culture." His blue eyes twinkled madly behind the half-moon glasses.
"We promise to not get into any trouble, Headmaster," Ron said earnestly. "It's going to be weird being on a space ship, though."
"A starship, Ron," Harry said, adjusting the chain to make sure his body was completely inside the Time-Turner circle. "And we will behave.”
“Now, with that settled, off you go.” He handed them what looked like a child’s silver ray gun. “The Portkey is set to go off in one week at this appointed hour. Just tap it and the Time-Tuner with your wand and say Reverso chronos! and it will bring you home.” He tapped the Time-Turner, murmuring under his breath.
After what seemed like a very bad trip through the longest Floo hole in the history of Floo holes whilst being squeezed into a drunken Apparation, Ron and Harry appeared in what was a very white, very modern Muggle-looking building. Except that it wasn’t a building at all. It was the starship that Prof. Dumbledore had told them about.
“Welcome aboard, gentlemen,” came a low voice from behind them.
Harry and Ron whirled around to find a tall thin man with pointy ears looking at them with a blank expression. “I am Commander Spock. The captain apologizes for not greeting you personally, but something must have come up because at the moment as he is not to be found. It seems to be happening more and more of late,” he mused, almost to himself. Ron and Harry remained quiet, not sure of how to reply to the odd-looking man. “No matter,” the commander resumed. “I shall show you to your quarters.
“What do you think he is?” Ron whispered in Harry’s ear.
“Dunno, but he’s got a ray gun thingee. Wonder if it’s faster than our wands?” Harry whispered back.
“Let’s try it,” Ron murmured with a giggle. “Expelliarmus!”
The phaser flew out of Spock’s hand. As soon as Ron caught it, Spock had him up against the wall of the ship, one hand on his neck.; Harry’s wand was dug into Spock’s back, but Spock’s other hand was around Harry’s wrist in a vise grip. “Don’t even try it,” Spock said in a deadly calm voice.
“Let go of Ron,” Harry said.
“Lower your weapon, son,” came another voice from behind him.
Harry felt the cold nose of something in his back and relaxed. “I’ll take those,” Spock said, plucking Harry’s and Ron’s wands from their hands. He looked at them, running his fingers over the smooth willow and holly wands. “Fascinating,” he said.
“Now, gentlemen, we seem to have gotten off on the wrong foot. I am Jim Kirk, the captain of this fine vessel,” said Kirk.
“Oh, wow, sorry about that, captain,” Ron said, shaking Kirk’s hand. “We were just having a little fun with Mr. Spock.”
“Boys, let me tell you about Spock here,” Kirk said, clapping Harry on the shoulder so hard that it made Harry wince. “Spock doesn’t do fun. He’s a Vulcan. Vulcans are efficient, smart as hell, logical, and emotionless, unless you know which buttons to push. They kiss like demons, but they don’t do fun. Remember that.
Harry and Ron looked at Kirk, then at Spock. “Riiight,” said Harry. “Got it. Do we get one of those?”
“A phaser? Nah,” Kirk said, “you don’t need it.”
“You do,” Ron said.
“But I’m the captain. I can do whatever I want,” Kirk said with a grin and an eyebrow waggle. “Carry on.” He turned and swaggered down the corridor towards sick bay.
“Which is what you’re about to do,” Spock muttered. “Now, Mr. Weasley, Mr, Potter, if you will come this way, I’ll show you to your quarters and to your first guided visit.”
*~*
Harry walked through the hallways of the modern ship, marveling at all the very cool things. It was almost as good as Hogwarts: it lacked the unpredictability of the moving staircases; Slytherins, though he was sure Spock and Snape would get on like a house on fire; and that ineffable smell that is Hogwarts-2 parts mould, 2 parts ancient funk, 2 parts smelly teenagers, and 4 parts whatever was brewing down in the potions classroom. The ship didn’t smell like anything; maybe a little like Uncle Vernon’s new car. If hard pressed he’d have to admit he missed the Hogwarts funk.
Work with me here. I know this isn’t the ship from the new movie; it’s TNG Enterprise. I’ve owned it for 15 years. Don’t come bitching to me about it in comments.]
Walking the Enterprise with the Invisibility Cloak on wasn’t nearly as fun as walking the halls of Hogwarts. There was no Filch or Mrs. Norris to dodge; no Snape to hide from. If hard pressed. . .no, Harry would never admit to missing Filch. Now, Snape was another matter. . . .
However, he found he had to pay hard attention to the doors on the ship. If he got too close, he could open them. Maybe 23rd century technology had figured out magic after all.
Suddenly, three female Starfleet officers came around the corner. “Have you met the redhead?” the green-skinned woman said. “He’s hot.”
“Yes, and he’s funny, too. I think we may just have to give him a Starfleet welcome,” another said. They all laughed.
One of the automated doors slid open with a musical “ping”, and Harry fell through just as the three women passed him. He hit the wall opposite the door and then everything went black.
Harry’s head spun. They were talking about Ron. They had to be talking about Ron. He was funny and redheaded and hot. Very hot. Thinking about a hot Ron made Harry hot, especially since he was under the Invisibility Cloak.
Breathing hard, and dealing with a rather unexpected hard-on over his best mate, Harry then realized he had to deal also with the fact he was standing in the dark. He quietly pushed back from the wall and was mid-step when he hard someone whisper, “I think the coast is clear.”
Harry froze. Where the fuck am I?
“C’mon, Bones, come already.”
“Well, excuse me for not wanting to ejaculate all over your hand just as the goddamn door opened. Computer, light.”
Harry shrunk back into the wall again. He was in a long, narrow supply closet, dimly lit by one light. And under that light, against the back wall was Captain Kirk and some other man. At least he thought it was the captain, but since he’d never seen the captain’s naked arse, he couldn’t be too sure. [Work with me here: ST action figures do NOT have naked arses. Use you imagination….]
“Come on, Bones. You’re nearly there.” Yes, it was the captain. And he’s…with…and they’re…wow. Harry’s brain went splodey.
The man called Bones groaned and moaned and grunted a little as the captain made jerking motions with his arm. Finally, the man called Bones made the unmistakable sound of accomplishing his mission, and he sagged in the handsome captain’s arms.
Harry regretted he didn’t have Ron’s arms to sag into.
“Well, Jim, that was certainly an interesting way to gather supplies for sick bay,” Bones said, tucking himself into his Starfleet-issue uniform trousers. The man called Bones picked up a box, gave the Captain a long, hard kiss and a smile, and walked towards Harry, who momentarily panicked, but then remembered he was still under the Cloak. The doors slid open and closed before Harry realized he was still in damn closet.
“He’s pretty fucking fine, eh?” Captain Kirk said in Harry’s ear.
Harry nearly threw up. He didn’t say anything, hoping the captain was bluffing.
“Oh, come on, Harry, I know it’s you. Professor Dumbledore told me you had an Invisibility Cloak, which is pretty cool because we don’t have that kind of technology even in the 23rd century.”
Harry figured the jig was up and he may as well come clean-except for his boxers-with the captain. He pulled the Cloak off his head, and gulped.
The Captain said nothing, except for smirking and looking smokin’ hot.
“Can I ask you something, Captain Kirk?” Harry stammered.
“Anything, but let’s go back to my quarters. . . .”
*~*
Ron Weasley was pacing in his and Harry’s quarters. The note was on the floor:
Ron-Gone to the surface with the Captain on an away mission. Back soon. Love Harry.
[Work with me here, people.]
Harry. On another planet. Without him. What had he been thinking? Of course, Ron had been involved in an epic chess match-totally epic-with Chekov that brought the “Chess Championship of the Fucking Universe” (as they were calling it) to Hogwarts and the 20th century-because bitches, sometimes old school still has the goods-and then Chekov introduced him to 3-D chess which took up several more hours. Ron heaved a sigh at that huge sentence hanging in his head. How could Harry just leave him here?
Suddenly, something in the room chirped. “Mr. Weasley?” came a voice out of the wall.
“WHAT?” Ron yelled, hoping that would cover it since he had no clue where or what was talking to him.
“Ron, just press the button on the wall by the door.”
Following the instructions, he walked over and punched the button on the wall. “WHAT?”
“No need to shout. This is Doctor McCoy. You need to come to sick bay.”
“Well, where the hell is THAT? I’m from Hogwarts, not Starfleet.”
“Oh, for. . .I’ll send Chekov to get you. McCoy out.”
The doctor sounded put out, which worried Ron, but not as much as thinking about his Harry.
His Harry. Since when did Harry become his? Since always. Harry has always been mine. The revelation hit Ron like a phaser beam set on stun. (Ron was momentarily distracted by the fact he’d used the phrase correctly.) Harry-yeah, his Harry. Something broke inside him, something like a dam over that part of his heart he reserved especially for Harry, for when Harry got a damn clue and realized that he, Ron, was more than just a sidekick, more than just a dorm mate; he, Ron, was a seriously hot, red-headed guy with a serious jones for his best mate, Harry.
Ron was still contemplating that enormous revelatory sentence when Chekov showed up and started babbling in Russian, English and some other language one of the crew members called “Spanglish.”
“Come! Come!” Chekov urged. [Damn! Now I need a Chekov action figure for this Ron/Chekov bunny I just got. Because chess nerds are hot, baby!]
“Not now, Chekov,” Ron said.
Chekov was momentarily confused but carried on nonetheless with his incessant babbling. “Dees vay! Dees vay!”
Chekov stopped suddenly before a door marked “Sick Bay”, and the doors slid open (Ron loved the fact he didn’t have to know any damn passwords to open the doors on the Enterprise.) There before him was a most frightening sight:
The often taciturn Doctor McCoy standing over his Harry with some sort of stick with a twirly light. Cool! Wonder if there’s a spell that can make that kind of light? “You’re going to be just fine, son, take it easy,” the doctor was saying.
And on the bed was Harry. His robes were dusty and torn. But even worse was the fact that-GULP!-Harry was missing part of his arm!!!
“What the fuck happened?” Ron squeaked out in a high pitched voice. “Oh, my fucking god! What happened?”
“Ron!” Harry managed to say. “Ron.”
Harry’s face-his sweet, beloved face-was shining with sweat and grime, his glasses askew. Ron almost shoved the doctor out of the way, but thought better of it since McCoy easily outweighed him and was packing heat.
“Oh, god, Harry. What happened?” Ron repeated.
“Well,” Harry said, breathing heavily, “there was this dog….”
[Work with me here. Fred was available and I had nothing else. Besides, Fred brings his own special scariness to action figures as he truly IS responsible for Harry’s arm being chewed off.]
The sick bay door slid open again, and Captain Kirk came in. “How you doing, Harry?” Kirk asked.
Before Harry could respond, Ron rounded on him. “YOU BASTARD! You’re supposed to protect him. What the FUCK were you thinking taking him down to a planet inhabited by wild, arm-eating dog-things?”
“Whoa, now, Ron,” Kirk said, putting up his hands. “Every away mission involves a certain amount of danger, but Harry wanted to go. Besides, Harry was telling us your Madam Pomfrey has the magical ability to regrow limbs.”
“Bones!” Ron shouted. “Bones!”
“There’s no need to shout,” Doctor McCoy said, “I'm right here. And sorry, but you don’t get to call me that.”
“What? No, you idiot! Madam Pomfrey can regrow bones, not arms,” Ron roared.
“Really?” McCoy said, his eyes lighting up wildly. “That’s fascinating. . .”
“What’s fascinating, Doctor?”
“Spock, Ron here was saying there is a magic that regrows bones,” McCoy said.
“That is fascinating,” said Spock said, his voice modulating ever so slightly upwards, giving aural evidence that Spock indeed found it fascinating.
“Wait a minute,” Ron said. “How come Harry is all beat up and you look like you just stepped out of a-a fashion magazine?”
Kirk had the good grace to look somewhat abashed by the faux pas he committed. “Well, uh….”
“I treated him first,” McCoy said, quickly. “And he changed back in my office.”
“How come you treated him first? Harry’s company,” Ron said, miffed.
“The Captain outranks even ship guests,” Spock said. “Starfleet regulation 045.3867 states that. . .”
“He’s right, Spock,” Kirk said. “Bones, how rude of you. You should have gotten Harry cleaned up first.”
“He’s not nearly as interesting as you are,” McCoy murmured in the captain’s ear. “Well, I’m still treating his injuries. Fortunately, they are not life threatening. But come along, Captain, Spock. Let’s check that regulation.”
McCoy tugged at Kirk’s sleeve and motioned to Spock to follow him back to the office.
“I get the impression they wanted to leave us alone,” Ron said, sitting on the bed next to Harry, very closely. He put his arms around him. “God, what are you going to do?”
“I’ll be all right, I think,” Harry said, laying his head on Ron’s shoulder. “You’re really concerned, aren’t you?”
“Of course, I am, you idiot. Look at your arm. It’s mangled. Does it hurt much?”
“Nah. The doc gave me something for the pain. But you know, a-a little kiss might help too.”
That was all the invitation Ron needed. He gently pressed Harry into the surprisingly comfortable medical bed, and damn them all, but he was going to finally give his Harry a kiss!
While Ron and Harry kissed, the doctor and the captain came out to check on them. “Aww, look at them. They’re so sweet. So inspiring,” Kirk said, and he embraced the doctor.
Spock returned to the medical bay and was completely nonplussed by the scene before him. “Ahem.” When no one looked, he turned. “Carry on, gentlemen. Dammit. Now I need to find Uhura.”
Ron finally released Harry’s lips from a most excellent kiss. “Hey! HEY! It worked! Your arm! It grew back! It’s a miracle!!”
*~*
“Well, gentlemen, it has been an honor to have you aboard the ship,” Kirk said, standing very close to Bones in their quarters.
“Doctor, thank you, for everything,” Harry said with an extremely goofy grin on his face. “Really.”
“I hope everything is ok between you and Ron,” McCoy whispered, as Harry hugged him. “It was awfully risky to pull a stunt like you and Jim did just to get Ron to admit his feelings.”
“It worked out very well,” Harry said dreamily. “Thanks for going along. Jim said he’d pay you back well.”
“He did. Very well,” McCoy smirked.
“Ron,” Jim Kirk said, “take care. Take care of each other.”
“We will,” Ron said, “thanks to you. I’ve almost forgiven you.”
“Fortunately for me, you have a long time to work on it,” Kirk said, winking.
“And here are these fascinating wooden sticks,” Spock said, handing them to Harry and Ron. “They defy all scientific inquiry and logic, but they do seem to work.”
“Yes, they do,” Ron said. “Try this one.” He waved his wand and said an incantation just as Harry said, “Reverso chronos!”
As they whirled out of sight, they heard a low, hysterical guffawing. “Good god, Jim!” McCoy exclaimed. “He’s laughing. The green-blooded hobgoblin is laughing!”