(no subject)
I am not sure how I am supposed to feel about this. I did a good thing and it made my friend happy, but I got embaressed when he put light on the fact that I got him something. My friend Pal lives in Mexico and, something that I thought wasn't possible, in a somewhat worse state than I am in regard to depression and finances. He is also someone who identifies his gender differently, and knowing what bad gender days are like, I bought him a chest binder. It took two months but it finally got to him and it made him happier than I imagined it would. I am really happy for him because now he is posing in the binder and he is so cute and confident, but I worry that I didn't celebrate it enough. I get embaressed when people point out the good things I do. I just feel like if someone is in need and you have the means and can help (because Black Jesus knows I have been on the other end of it enough) then why not help them? Why do people have to celebrate themselves and congratulate themselves on something that seems so easy? I did a lot of donating over the holidays to the homeless and the shelter I volunteer at, not just because they have done so much for me when I was living in the van (oh yeah that happened but I don't want to talk about it or the major depression and the crybaby that I have become) but because I had some means to do it and it needed to be done for the kids. When I brought the toys and groceries in, someone asked if I wanted a picture of it next to my donations and I was like NOOOOO. I didn't do it for recognition. It just makes me feel weird if people thank me more than once or twice (even though I am on the other hand the type to keep showing my gratitude, so....). I guess I just don't understand the weird feeling I get when people want to bring light to being a decent human being. I also find myself wanting more attention and recognition but I feel so weird when I get it. I am not sure if this is a depression thing or a middle kid thing or just an Erin thing. I do remember my mother telling me that I would cry to be picked up and then squirm to be let down once she finally did. I was such a weird ass kid who grew to be an even weirder adult. Anyway, Other than having the means and knowing someone else needs it, it also already makes my anxiety calm the eff down because I feel useful for once in a blue moon, so really in the end it really is all about me. :-P~