(no subject)
I keep having dreams about people in my past, and all in the last week or so. I had a dream where Michaela and I were together again, cuddling and stuff even though we both knew it wouldn't/couldn't happen again. I had a couple of dreams about bitchface, once where we were friends again, and another where we started off as friends like that and then fought over something. I dreampt of Ash twice, once where she was fighting over a hospital bed she was sharing with my other friend Pal from the RP, and another I will kind of go into because it was a nice dream over all.
The night before last night I had a dream that continued on once I woke up and went back to sleep. I had a sort of impulse buy of a mail order bride from Tailand or Taiwon, I can't remember which. It was something like 200 or 300 and I didn't think they would allow me because I wasn't male, but they did. We didn't understand eachother, but we tried to talk to eachother anyway, or I spoke to her, hoping we would learn eachother's languages. She kept acting like she needed my permission for things and I had to keep telling her that she was her own person and if she wanted to do a thing then do a thing. We slept in the same bed but we never kissed or anything like that. I remember picking her up from college, and the van broke down so I pushed her in a wagon up a hill towards my mom's house (?!). I remember also that people knew she was my mail order wife but no one seemed to view me differently for it, and they accepted her readily. This was when I woke up. When I went back to sleep again, it seemed to continue. Ash was talking to someone about falling in love with my wife. I was on the couch supposedly sleeping and I heard it. I think in the dream a part of me was still in love with Ash and wanting her and my wife happy, so if that had been the case and if my wife liked Ash, I was willing to walk away. I remember saying we hadn't consumated the marriage and it could be annuled. Ash was really guilty that I heard. I don't think she ever wanted me to know. I went up the stairs because I think my wife and I shared a large house with my large as hell family or we were there for a family reuinion of sorts (meaning I was somehow related to ash?!), because there were three beds with three couples in it and me and my wife were in the middle one. I remember being so heavy taking my clothes from a large ass dresser, and my wife asking me what was wrong (she spoke English in the second half), and I wouldn't answer her. I went to get showered and the shower was like the whole bathroom, but my uncle (who was Enrico Colantoni) came in while I was there. I was trying to get him to leave but he was like 'We;re family so shut up so I can console you!'. Not his actual words, but he didn't seem to see, know or care that I was naked in the shower or that he left the door OPEN and some of the blonde cousins or neices/nephews were just walking by/in and out. Just so weird. My 'uncle' eventually told me that my wife was a good woman, that whether or not she loved me or learned to love me she wouldn't just up and leave me or Ash. I didn't believe him but I felt better. Then he kept urging me to get my ass out of the shower so we could eat because they were waiting on me, and I kept shouting that I couldn't finish my shower if they were all there, and we had a shouting match like I was suddenly Italian or some shit. I then grabbed a few sheets of coloring pages and some crayons (still naked and still shouting at my uncle and cousins to get out so I can finish up), and then I was dressed. I went up to the roof of what seemed to be a skyscraper, and there were tables all along most of it with roasted chickens and a shit ton of food. Like there were maybe 40 of us on the roof at the tables. I went to sit on the other side of the large ass table set up, and my wife seemed confused by this. Some cousin or youngish aunt urged me to sit next to my wife and I didn't want to, but then when I did my wife seemed happy to see me. I took her hand and kissed it and that was when I woke up.
Oh, and LAST NIGHT I had a dream where I was in a gym somewhere, and it was packed on the floor as well as in the seats, and there were people who spend all year every year making these robotic suits, and they would play epic ball in them. One of the players was a dorm roommate (that I never had in real life, in fact I don't know this girl in real life) who I apperently had a crush on. I remember this was supposed to have been a college tradition and I remember feeling sad that I never went to this event in the previous years and wished that I had because of how fun it seemed that one time. I can't remember much else. Just the overwhelming amount of people and activity in that gym. I think Olivia Wilde was in one of the suits as well. I know a bunch of other stuff happened, but the meloncholy feeling was strong and the rush of being in a crowd cheering for something was really felt throughout the dream. I think I also talked to my roommate person who was on her bed. She was cute.
You ever have someone in your dream and you wake up feeling a little in love with that person? I think I fell a little in love with the wife from a couple of nights ago. I think my loneliness is manifesting itself in my dreams. The people I've cared about most or have cared at all about me are seeping in, and I don't know if I like it. The fact that I have had so many dreams of people lately, mostly in the last week and I am remembering them is so weird. I blame that I have eaten tuna and crackers just about every night this week or so. Maybe that is it.
So a slight update on my living situation: I have given away a lot of my things. I managed to fill two large boxes, three small boxes, and a good sized bag with stuff. Since I don't have a lot of things as it is, just enought to fill three 40 gallon tubs and a sea bag (maybe a stray box or two the last move or two), that means that what I keep is important to me, so it was really hard to get rid of some of it. I will be living a few days in my van at least. Since it is summer and the days are hot, this isn't going to be too bad. I just need to find a safe place to park over night. I may ask if that place could be the Family Support Center since they know me. I am just afraid to ask and let more people into my situation. My dad, who knows about the depression and the fact that I am now on medication, asked me how I was and I was honest and admitted that I was sad and worried. He gave me a call and told me some really wonderful thing, things that I think I have needed to hear for a very long time. I think my mom said something similar, but I don't think I believed her. My dad, though, he's really been in my corner helping me with rent and stuff. He spoke to me about some job leads, and I am looking into maybe working at T mobile. Since I don't live anywhere now, I think maybe I will take a plunge and move away from Olympia all together. It has been safe the last five or so years, but I think if I moved away from it I might be able to see the open window to this closed door, you know? Anyway my dad told me that I was a good and strong person, since I had gone through the gender issues and school these past years, and that I can get through this as well. I think just the acknowledgement of this from another person, from the man I admire so much and want to make proud, knowing that I have been making him proud all this time was just a lot. It makes this whole thing feel better, knowing that he doesn't blame me for the things that have been happening, knowing that I AM trying. He said you just gotta keep pushing through, and then he made me promise I would keep pushing through. Just saying it out loud and promising him this has given me a little more determination to definitily push through. And I don't know if anyone who may read this knows, but I am not someone who makes or trusts promises, but I love that man and I made him a promise I will keep. He offered as well to pay for a bus ticket to go see him for a week to just breathe for a second. I think in a little while I might take him up on the offer. I might wait until that fucking janitorial place pays me and buy the ticket myself. I wish I could get a full time job by the end of this month. Maybe then I could have the means to go to D's wedding, but right now I don't think that is going to happen. Anyway, I love that man. I always am thankful that I don't have father issues. Mother issues yes but my mother issues aren't as bad as they could be. After I move or something I will look into setting an appointment to start therapy. I still haven't done that even though I have been taking these meds for a week and a half now. I was supposed to call like a week ago. Oops.
Anyway, I think that is all
Erin
The night before last night I had a dream that continued on once I woke up and went back to sleep. I had a sort of impulse buy of a mail order bride from Tailand or Taiwon, I can't remember which. It was something like 200 or 300 and I didn't think they would allow me because I wasn't male, but they did. We didn't understand eachother, but we tried to talk to eachother anyway, or I spoke to her, hoping we would learn eachother's languages. She kept acting like she needed my permission for things and I had to keep telling her that she was her own person and if she wanted to do a thing then do a thing. We slept in the same bed but we never kissed or anything like that. I remember picking her up from college, and the van broke down so I pushed her in a wagon up a hill towards my mom's house (?!). I remember also that people knew she was my mail order wife but no one seemed to view me differently for it, and they accepted her readily. This was when I woke up. When I went back to sleep again, it seemed to continue. Ash was talking to someone about falling in love with my wife. I was on the couch supposedly sleeping and I heard it. I think in the dream a part of me was still in love with Ash and wanting her and my wife happy, so if that had been the case and if my wife liked Ash, I was willing to walk away. I remember saying we hadn't consumated the marriage and it could be annuled. Ash was really guilty that I heard. I don't think she ever wanted me to know. I went up the stairs because I think my wife and I shared a large house with my large as hell family or we were there for a family reuinion of sorts (meaning I was somehow related to ash?!), because there were three beds with three couples in it and me and my wife were in the middle one. I remember being so heavy taking my clothes from a large ass dresser, and my wife asking me what was wrong (she spoke English in the second half), and I wouldn't answer her. I went to get showered and the shower was like the whole bathroom, but my uncle (who was Enrico Colantoni) came in while I was there. I was trying to get him to leave but he was like 'We;re family so shut up so I can console you!'. Not his actual words, but he didn't seem to see, know or care that I was naked in the shower or that he left the door OPEN and some of the blonde cousins or neices/nephews were just walking by/in and out. Just so weird. My 'uncle' eventually told me that my wife was a good woman, that whether or not she loved me or learned to love me she wouldn't just up and leave me or Ash. I didn't believe him but I felt better. Then he kept urging me to get my ass out of the shower so we could eat because they were waiting on me, and I kept shouting that I couldn't finish my shower if they were all there, and we had a shouting match like I was suddenly Italian or some shit. I then grabbed a few sheets of coloring pages and some crayons (still naked and still shouting at my uncle and cousins to get out so I can finish up), and then I was dressed. I went up to the roof of what seemed to be a skyscraper, and there were tables all along most of it with roasted chickens and a shit ton of food. Like there were maybe 40 of us on the roof at the tables. I went to sit on the other side of the large ass table set up, and my wife seemed confused by this. Some cousin or youngish aunt urged me to sit next to my wife and I didn't want to, but then when I did my wife seemed happy to see me. I took her hand and kissed it and that was when I woke up.
Oh, and LAST NIGHT I had a dream where I was in a gym somewhere, and it was packed on the floor as well as in the seats, and there were people who spend all year every year making these robotic suits, and they would play epic ball in them. One of the players was a dorm roommate (that I never had in real life, in fact I don't know this girl in real life) who I apperently had a crush on. I remember this was supposed to have been a college tradition and I remember feeling sad that I never went to this event in the previous years and wished that I had because of how fun it seemed that one time. I can't remember much else. Just the overwhelming amount of people and activity in that gym. I think Olivia Wilde was in one of the suits as well. I know a bunch of other stuff happened, but the meloncholy feeling was strong and the rush of being in a crowd cheering for something was really felt throughout the dream. I think I also talked to my roommate person who was on her bed. She was cute.
You ever have someone in your dream and you wake up feeling a little in love with that person? I think I fell a little in love with the wife from a couple of nights ago. I think my loneliness is manifesting itself in my dreams. The people I've cared about most or have cared at all about me are seeping in, and I don't know if I like it. The fact that I have had so many dreams of people lately, mostly in the last week and I am remembering them is so weird. I blame that I have eaten tuna and crackers just about every night this week or so. Maybe that is it.
So a slight update on my living situation: I have given away a lot of my things. I managed to fill two large boxes, three small boxes, and a good sized bag with stuff. Since I don't have a lot of things as it is, just enought to fill three 40 gallon tubs and a sea bag (maybe a stray box or two the last move or two), that means that what I keep is important to me, so it was really hard to get rid of some of it. I will be living a few days in my van at least. Since it is summer and the days are hot, this isn't going to be too bad. I just need to find a safe place to park over night. I may ask if that place could be the Family Support Center since they know me. I am just afraid to ask and let more people into my situation. My dad, who knows about the depression and the fact that I am now on medication, asked me how I was and I was honest and admitted that I was sad and worried. He gave me a call and told me some really wonderful thing, things that I think I have needed to hear for a very long time. I think my mom said something similar, but I don't think I believed her. My dad, though, he's really been in my corner helping me with rent and stuff. He spoke to me about some job leads, and I am looking into maybe working at T mobile. Since I don't live anywhere now, I think maybe I will take a plunge and move away from Olympia all together. It has been safe the last five or so years, but I think if I moved away from it I might be able to see the open window to this closed door, you know? Anyway my dad told me that I was a good and strong person, since I had gone through the gender issues and school these past years, and that I can get through this as well. I think just the acknowledgement of this from another person, from the man I admire so much and want to make proud, knowing that I have been making him proud all this time was just a lot. It makes this whole thing feel better, knowing that he doesn't blame me for the things that have been happening, knowing that I AM trying. He said you just gotta keep pushing through, and then he made me promise I would keep pushing through. Just saying it out loud and promising him this has given me a little more determination to definitily push through. And I don't know if anyone who may read this knows, but I am not someone who makes or trusts promises, but I love that man and I made him a promise I will keep. He offered as well to pay for a bus ticket to go see him for a week to just breathe for a second. I think in a little while I might take him up on the offer. I might wait until that fucking janitorial place pays me and buy the ticket myself. I wish I could get a full time job by the end of this month. Maybe then I could have the means to go to D's wedding, but right now I don't think that is going to happen. Anyway, I love that man. I always am thankful that I don't have father issues. Mother issues yes but my mother issues aren't as bad as they could be. After I move or something I will look into setting an appointment to start therapy. I still haven't done that even though I have been taking these meds for a week and a half now. I was supposed to call like a week ago. Oops.
Anyway, I think that is all
Erin