(no subject)
I find myself thinking of how things have been and how things have turned out lately and I am not quite sure anymore how to proceed. In in the last couple of months I have entered into what can only be referred to as a friends with benefits sort of situation with my friend. She is poly-amorous, something I still don't understand when she talks about her wanting her girlfriend to commit to her. I never thought I would be in such a 'relationship', and really, everything is the mess I knew it would be. I WANT to be the third one out, the friend she fucks sometimes. I don't want emotions and feeeeeeelings involved.
But of course I am me.
I fucking am me.
And she is saying everything BUT 'I love you' to me, and fucking hell, I know I am starting to have fucking feeeeeeelings too. Because I find myself wanting to hold her hand or cuddle with me.
And I am PISSED.
Because I have been in love with someone ELSE for a fucking year and a half, but I never touched her or met her in person and then it just turned out that she never returned my feelings anyway. I mean, I sort of knew this anyway but my heart isn't fucking fickle, damn it, and I know that I can't 'share' the one I want to be with like that. This is why I have been fighting like HELL not to fall in love with her, but I feel it a little bit, and I think she knows it. I just can't see us long term like this, and I want long term someday, but not at all like this.
Before this started, any physical contact was accidental. I wasn't touchy feely (I am still not) and I didn't really care that it would go so long without hugs or whatever. Now I feel like every fear I had is coming true, that I will fall for her. I for the most part believe in monogamy. I am a jealous person which is why I can't do more than what we have been doing.
I am already a hot mess, and I have collided into another hot mess. I knew I wouldn't be able to handle it, but I did it anyway because I am a dumbass. It is still conflicting because of how we are together physically, but the fact of the matter still remains that I was and am not ready for this, and I knew it before hand. And I still know this, but I keep coming back. It is like all the Swan Queen fanfiction I write, only without magic, because a little magic would actually be fucking cool. But no. She has the girlfriend, and I am the on the side person. Why can't it just STAY that way? That is all I can handle, but that hasn't stopped the intense fucking talks we keep having that for the most part say the feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelings, and I have said pretty much that anything more than me being the side dish is out of the question, but...
The most fucked up thing is that I can't being myself to end it.
So, when this all crashes down on me, and it will, I have only myself to blame. Yippee.
Erin
But of course I am me.
I fucking am me.
And she is saying everything BUT 'I love you' to me, and fucking hell, I know I am starting to have fucking feeeeeeelings too. Because I find myself wanting to hold her hand or cuddle with me.
And I am PISSED.
Because I have been in love with someone ELSE for a fucking year and a half, but I never touched her or met her in person and then it just turned out that she never returned my feelings anyway. I mean, I sort of knew this anyway but my heart isn't fucking fickle, damn it, and I know that I can't 'share' the one I want to be with like that. This is why I have been fighting like HELL not to fall in love with her, but I feel it a little bit, and I think she knows it. I just can't see us long term like this, and I want long term someday, but not at all like this.
Before this started, any physical contact was accidental. I wasn't touchy feely (I am still not) and I didn't really care that it would go so long without hugs or whatever. Now I feel like every fear I had is coming true, that I will fall for her. I for the most part believe in monogamy. I am a jealous person which is why I can't do more than what we have been doing.
I am already a hot mess, and I have collided into another hot mess. I knew I wouldn't be able to handle it, but I did it anyway because I am a dumbass. It is still conflicting because of how we are together physically, but the fact of the matter still remains that I was and am not ready for this, and I knew it before hand. And I still know this, but I keep coming back. It is like all the Swan Queen fanfiction I write, only without magic, because a little magic would actually be fucking cool. But no. She has the girlfriend, and I am the on the side person. Why can't it just STAY that way? That is all I can handle, but that hasn't stopped the intense fucking talks we keep having that for the most part say the feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelings, and I have said pretty much that anything more than me being the side dish is out of the question, but...
The most fucked up thing is that I can't being myself to end it.
So, when this all crashes down on me, and it will, I have only myself to blame. Yippee.
Erin