Been a while
I will put this under a cut. Mostly need to get my thoughts together because I am going crazy, so...
I DID ask for it, and I really loved reading all of that. It was what I wanted to read. That was better than fluff fanfic. I guess I wanted to be assured that ‘people like me’ (that is, the awkward, larger, gender variant types of people) can find someone, you know? It has been weird for me, but it is nice hearing the many ways people get together because I don’t want to be bitter against love because it is one of the few things I try believe in. I really loved hearing your story about you and your husband, and I wish you so many more years together. I was especially tickled by the part where he ate most of your dinner and you were pissed about it. Any children? Or any in your future that you know of? (Like do you plan to, I guess I mean to ask, that is, if you don’t mind me asking.)
So, my crush…
I don’t know where to start. I met her on here, actually. She was my daily kind anon for a while. That was last summer. She used sweet words like ‘Love’ and ‘Darling’, and I for a while got caught up in that. It was a nice friendship like that, and then the tone changed kind of. I figured out which of my followers it was, and stuff and she went off anon. I am scared to show my face to people I like because people tend to not like what they see, or suddenly my personality isn’t as good or something. I didn’t want to lose that. It was a nice ego boost, I guess to know that someone liked talking to me as much as I like talking to her. And the endearments didn’t hurt any. I did show her a picture of myself when she showed me hers, lol. That was sort of the end of it, really. She went to school as I am in as well, and she told me about this crush on a girl, and that killed me. That was when I really knew that what I felt for her was more than friendship, and I thought oh shit I am falling for someone who is real, not a female celebrity who I know is unattainable and therefor safe, but someone I would have the long distance or online or whatever type relationship with, but FUCK she likes someone else. Oh it hurt. And I thought that maybe those endearments are just how she talks, like HG Wells in Warehouse 13 calling everyone Darling. I tried to distance myself, which was easy because she was so busy with school as was I. A couple of months ago we talked a little bit more again, and I stopped using the endearments because I didn’t want to be the fool in all of this. But a few weeks ago, I was at a drag show, and we were both drunk at the same time. She said she missed me, and now that school was out, she wasn’t distracted by it (the fact that she missed me). Me being the dumbass that I am, said that if she kept talking to me like that, I would fall madly in love with her. Liquid Courage is a wonderfully dangerous thing. We haven’t talked about it. I am not sure if we should or not, you know? We have talked about meeting up, but I am unsure what I feel about that. I really want to, but I know that would either keep us at that friendship line or cross us over it or throw us so many yards back, I guess and I don’t want that. I have gotten to the point where I am flipping my shit whenever she hits me up either on here or text, and I am so insecure about everything right now that I don’t even know (even with all the ‘clues’ I guess) how she may even feel about me. I am the type who needs that hammered “Erin, I like you. Kiss me or I will kill you” messege stamped to my forehead. We have had one conversation on the phone and I know for certain that I am in love with her. Like, my stance on long distance/online relationships is slipping for her because I want to be with her so much, and I feel like if we did meet up, nothing will stop me from slipping out ‘I love you’ because that is what I hold back from typing to her everytime we talk or text. I think the biggest thing I worry about is the whole ‘if you don’t love yourself how can you love someone else’ thing, because I really, really hate myself, and I don’t see that changing in the near future.
I DID ask for it, and I really loved reading all of that. It was what I wanted to read. That was better than fluff fanfic. I guess I wanted to be assured that ‘people like me’ (that is, the awkward, larger, gender variant types of people) can find someone, you know? It has been weird for me, but it is nice hearing the many ways people get together because I don’t want to be bitter against love because it is one of the few things I try believe in. I really loved hearing your story about you and your husband, and I wish you so many more years together. I was especially tickled by the part where he ate most of your dinner and you were pissed about it. Any children? Or any in your future that you know of? (Like do you plan to, I guess I mean to ask, that is, if you don’t mind me asking.)
So, my crush…
I don’t know where to start. I met her on here, actually. She was my daily kind anon for a while. That was last summer. She used sweet words like ‘Love’ and ‘Darling’, and I for a while got caught up in that. It was a nice friendship like that, and then the tone changed kind of. I figured out which of my followers it was, and stuff and she went off anon. I am scared to show my face to people I like because people tend to not like what they see, or suddenly my personality isn’t as good or something. I didn’t want to lose that. It was a nice ego boost, I guess to know that someone liked talking to me as much as I like talking to her. And the endearments didn’t hurt any. I did show her a picture of myself when she showed me hers, lol. That was sort of the end of it, really. She went to school as I am in as well, and she told me about this crush on a girl, and that killed me. That was when I really knew that what I felt for her was more than friendship, and I thought oh shit I am falling for someone who is real, not a female celebrity who I know is unattainable and therefor safe, but someone I would have the long distance or online or whatever type relationship with, but FUCK she likes someone else. Oh it hurt. And I thought that maybe those endearments are just how she talks, like HG Wells in Warehouse 13 calling everyone Darling. I tried to distance myself, which was easy because she was so busy with school as was I. A couple of months ago we talked a little bit more again, and I stopped using the endearments because I didn’t want to be the fool in all of this. But a few weeks ago, I was at a drag show, and we were both drunk at the same time. She said she missed me, and now that school was out, she wasn’t distracted by it (the fact that she missed me). Me being the dumbass that I am, said that if she kept talking to me like that, I would fall madly in love with her. Liquid Courage is a wonderfully dangerous thing. We haven’t talked about it. I am not sure if we should or not, you know? We have talked about meeting up, but I am unsure what I feel about that. I really want to, but I know that would either keep us at that friendship line or cross us over it or throw us so many yards back, I guess and I don’t want that. I have gotten to the point where I am flipping my shit whenever she hits me up either on here or text, and I am so insecure about everything right now that I don’t even know (even with all the ‘clues’ I guess) how she may even feel about me. I am the type who needs that hammered “Erin, I like you. Kiss me or I will kill you” messege stamped to my forehead. We have had one conversation on the phone and I know for certain that I am in love with her. Like, my stance on long distance/online relationships is slipping for her because I want to be with her so much, and I feel like if we did meet up, nothing will stop me from slipping out ‘I love you’ because that is what I hold back from typing to her everytime we talk or text. I think the biggest thing I worry about is the whole ‘if you don’t love yourself how can you love someone else’ thing, because I really, really hate myself, and I don’t see that changing in the near future.