(no subject)
I find myself confused by the universe. Everytime I get really upset and think maybe I shouldn't be a father, that maybe I should work in foster care and adoption, but not be a (foster) father, something happens that seems to be a sign otherwise. It happened again. I gave up again yesterday. I have been having some bad gender days, moments of wanting to just lay here and rot, and not wanting to get out of bed. I look around my messy room and realized that I just didn't care about anything, and if i life like this without caring (in an environment that is nowhere near where a child should live) then there was no way I can care for a child this way. So I just shrugged it off. But then I started listening to Christmas music. Christmas is a children and commercial holiday. I get that, and I'm fine with that. I found the streamed station that plays continuous Christmas music starting Thanksgiving night (no shit), and I listened to that. It is a local station I used to listen to, and it was once part of my traditions. Now here is the kicker in my opinion: The station's advertisements weren't a hell of a lot, but enough to remind me that I was listening to the radio and that i was listening to Seattle's radio. Every time it went to commercial though, there would be some variation of advertising for 'Adopt Us Kids.Org'. I'm like 'Are you kidding me?!'
I get it though.The universe wants me somewhere on this path. This is my kick in the ass saying to get out of bed. There have been too many signs for me to ignore. So maybe I am not meant to be a father per se', but maybe I AM meant to work in foster care and adoption. Maybe I need to help kids find their way home, and that would be just as great with me. Who knows, maybe I will learn enough by being around it all that I will get a glimpse of parenthood and know what I need to do to be a good father. But I don't want to get those particular hopes up again.
Erin
By the way, Jaime, this is the best your hair has ever looked! (No it isn't because I have seen much better hair porn, but that is the catch phrase I like right now and Jaime playing with her hair is totally making me think things I shouldn't after all the adoption stuff.)
I get it though.The universe wants me somewhere on this path. This is my kick in the ass saying to get out of bed. There have been too many signs for me to ignore. So maybe I am not meant to be a father per se', but maybe I AM meant to work in foster care and adoption. Maybe I need to help kids find their way home, and that would be just as great with me. Who knows, maybe I will learn enough by being around it all that I will get a glimpse of parenthood and know what I need to do to be a good father. But I don't want to get those particular hopes up again.
Erin
By the way, Jaime, this is the best your hair has ever looked! (No it isn't because I have seen much better hair porn, but that is the catch phrase I like right now and Jaime playing with her hair is totally making me think things I shouldn't after all the adoption stuff.)