Sometimes Erin plays with dolls...
Click to viewXena: Manservant! What do we have here?
Erin: For the last time, I am not your man servant.
Xena: You are too my man servant. Everyone's my manservant or woman servant or whatever the fuck you are servant.
Erin: That's kind of rude.
Xena: (mocking) 'That's kind of rude.' I'm gonna tell you here right now. You have got to know your place. I am Xena the mutha fuckin' Conquerer, okay? My hair- See? My hair is more important than your face. (I'm gonna put it right here, you've gotta put it-) It is also prettier. Isn't it prettier? Oh it me hours!
Erin: Xena, move out of the way.
Xena: No I'm not gonna move out of the way. I'm going to be right here. Right in front of your face. Yes, my face is cuter than yours.
Erin: While I don't deny that or dispute that in any way shape or form... Move!
(Pause)
Xena: You don't hate me do you? You can't hate me. You never could stay mad at me for very long.
Erin: Well..... No.
Xena: THAT'S BECAUSE... *smack* You're my bitch. So, pick up your glasses manbitch. Pick em up, pick em up...
Erin: I got it, I got it. Thanks- Go back to your platform.
Xena: No let me just-
(Pause as Erin puts on glasses)
Xena: So! Anything new in the palace today?
Erin: I don't live in a palace. I live in a room somewhere in Olympia Washington.
Xena: Be that as it may... you know, details, details... Anything new in this Olympia place? You know, anything cool awesome whatever whatever?
Erin: Well, I heard that The Bard is coming.
Xena: The Bard?! You mean like, my Gabrielle because she is like- I hope it's her. I hope you're talking about her because she is so cute and sexy and lovely and when she speaks- Oh my heart... (faints)
Erin: Xena? Xena? Hellooo... Conquerer? Oh, HI BARD-
Xena: Bard?! Is she here? Is she here?! Oh my god she's so hot, she's- Oh my- (faints)
Erin: Um.. Hm, that was probably the wrong way to wake her up. Um... Xena! Wake up! Wake up!
Xena: (groans) Oh god... Don't do that. You don't tell me that Gabrielle is in the room. (sigh) She's just so pretty. I love her so much but she will never know who I am.
Erin: Didn't you just like smack me across the face for calling you Xena-
Xena: The Conquerer!
Erin: Yes yes yes. Uh- She should know who you are by now, I mean, you rule supposedly-
Xena: NOT SUPPOSEDLY. I rule Everything- EVERYTHING. I. Rule. Everything. Everybody here? All you Internet motherfuckers? I. Allow you. To exist. You hear me? Okay. So- Wait, why am I out of focus? Get me back in the picture! Manservant- Oh! You're so incompetent! I should give you forty-five lashes across your face. Maybe it'll make it look better. Maybe it'll make you think. Hm? Hm?Hm? Hm? BUT. I hear you know The Bard personally because of your fanfiction stories and that kind of universe in the fandom and everything and-
Erin: I don't write fic for Xena.
Xena: What the hell good are you then? Honestly I disown you right now.
Erin: You know, you wouldn't be standing here in front of the Internet if it wasn't for me.
Xena: Oh details details... But um... You... Are a bard yourself?
Erin: ... Of sorts. As you say I write fanfiction and- you know, that's kind of like being a bard.
Xena: Well then, you bards all work in the same circles especially if you're on the Internets. and I hear she does write some of the same things you do.
Erin: I hear she writes an alternative kind of storyline where you're actually a hero and not a bitch.
Xena: What'd you call me?! Oh my god you did not just call me a bitch. I mean, I would smack you again if it wasn't true!
Erin: So um... Would you like me to get you these tickets?
Xena: Oh would you please?! Oh would you please?! I just- She just, like- brings all these stories to life and like I just love her stories-
Erin: Whoa- Wait wait wait. Wait a minute-
Xena: Don't touch me!
Erin: Okay! Okay, but hold up. You were just talking to me just now as if you didn't know what she wrote about-
Xena: Of COURSE I know what she wrote about. I am her biggest fangirl! I mean (clears throat), I love her work. I think it's great.
Erin: Whatever you say.
Xena: Of course whatever I say. I am the Conquerer. You do EVERYTHING I say or you die! Thats just how it goes. That's life. (pause) This IS my good side, isn't it? You're not making me look bad on purpose? 'Cause I'd have to kill you. Looking here, a little bobble head here... Why can't I just- Here we go. I think my neck is broken. Well, you make some of the weirdest noises and some of the weirdest faces and my neck is broken still- But my hair is still prettier than your face.
Erin: Yeah, I don't doubt that, but back to the matter at hand: I will get you some tickets to see The Bard, although I don't have a Gabrielle doll, so this storyline type thing-ish whatever isn't really happening.
Xena: That is why you suck. Welp, let me go conquer the world somewhere else. You know, where the person will become my manservant and actually owns a Gabrielle doll AND a Xena doll! So like, you know, they can actually like kiss and make out and have sexy times and stuff because that is like my world right now. So um, bye bitches.
Erin: Yeah, bye-
Xena: Manservant! Turn this thing off!!