Oh Erin...
So, things are alright. Seriously. The person who said that I would look back on my angst in a few days was somewhat right. I mean, I still feel down about things, but I know that the things that are my flaws aren't all that I am. I know that I've got to change things, and I promise you that I am working on it, if only a little bit. I am packing up and getting ready to go live with my mother for the summer. I don't feel as badly about it. I have a plan. I mean, it consists of nothing more than walking around Parkland finding a job, thus making it so that
a) I won't be in the house using up space and resourses more than I must at night to sleep (also making it a little more guilt free on my part if I actually get a job and can pay for groceries or a small 200 both months for the room or something and I won't take no for an answer on one of those options)...
b) get some money for next year and possibly save for a vacation to Salem or Ireland or a down payment on a purple Tardis,
c) get my excersise and not feel as guilty about the lack there of the last week and a half and
d)... I forgot what d was.
Anyway, I don't feel bad about the arrangement this time around. I didn't fail in my eyes. I am not FORCED neccisarily to leave. I can't afford summer tuition, which would cost more for taking less credits. It just seems silly for me and my wallet. My mother had offered while I was in the hospital and staying with her afterwards for me to stay over the summer. I think because the arrangement was offered by her and not asked by me makes all the difference. Her offering is proof that she doesn't mind my presence there, whereas me asking to stay was my intusion on her home with Robert that I never would have wanted. This way, I feel less like a moocher and more like a guest in my mother's home. My mind is weird that way, I suppose. I am prideful despite everything else. Since leaving Job Corps and having known what it was like to work and live on my own with a steady income, transportation, a pet, and having that independance taken from me both from a sister's betrayal and a harsh economy, I have been very weird about accepting help. I know I have needed it, but I feel that I am 26 and should be able to do these things by now. Many people have houses and a spouse and children by now. Maybe if I had a steady income, if only from a part time job to save money and pay for things myself, my view might change. Actually, I know it will. I hope that working again and making my own money and not being poor all the time and buying some new clothes (I have a new thing for ties now, not bowties, though Eleven insists they're cool) or even thrift store binging will help my self image. Buying new genderless friendly swimming gear and starting fresh in September while still walking and swimming in maybe the YMCA (which scares me still because of the locker rooms) this summer might help.
I was reading a Faberry fic that focussed on baby Fabrays. This is what has had me on this, I think. The fire that I get every few months to want to be a father, meaning I have to re-reevaluate my life and where I am going and what I am doing in order to get there has come again. Everytime it leaves, it comes right back. It scares me sometimes how much I want this, when it always feels like I will never be responsible enough to care for a child. I know that I have a good heart. I know that at the end of the day there are WORSE people to leave a child in their care. I know that only when a child is in my care will I really get to know what I am doing and that every parent is freaked out at first. Who knows, I may become known for being the first single genderqueer single parent to adopt or something. That would actually be pretty cool. They could make a documentary about my progress or something. Anyway, its a good thing I have a Basic Brickmasonry completion in Job Corps, because it looks like I am going to have to build my own Yellow Brick Road for the Dorthys to follow.
Erin
a) I won't be in the house using up space and resourses more than I must at night to sleep (also making it a little more guilt free on my part if I actually get a job and can pay for groceries or a small 200 both months for the room or something and I won't take no for an answer on one of those options)...
b) get some money for next year and possibly save for a vacation to Salem or Ireland or a down payment on a purple Tardis,
c) get my excersise and not feel as guilty about the lack there of the last week and a half and
d)... I forgot what d was.
Anyway, I don't feel bad about the arrangement this time around. I didn't fail in my eyes. I am not FORCED neccisarily to leave. I can't afford summer tuition, which would cost more for taking less credits. It just seems silly for me and my wallet. My mother had offered while I was in the hospital and staying with her afterwards for me to stay over the summer. I think because the arrangement was offered by her and not asked by me makes all the difference. Her offering is proof that she doesn't mind my presence there, whereas me asking to stay was my intusion on her home with Robert that I never would have wanted. This way, I feel less like a moocher and more like a guest in my mother's home. My mind is weird that way, I suppose. I am prideful despite everything else. Since leaving Job Corps and having known what it was like to work and live on my own with a steady income, transportation, a pet, and having that independance taken from me both from a sister's betrayal and a harsh economy, I have been very weird about accepting help. I know I have needed it, but I feel that I am 26 and should be able to do these things by now. Many people have houses and a spouse and children by now. Maybe if I had a steady income, if only from a part time job to save money and pay for things myself, my view might change. Actually, I know it will. I hope that working again and making my own money and not being poor all the time and buying some new clothes (I have a new thing for ties now, not bowties, though Eleven insists they're cool) or even thrift store binging will help my self image. Buying new genderless friendly swimming gear and starting fresh in September while still walking and swimming in maybe the YMCA (which scares me still because of the locker rooms) this summer might help.
I was reading a Faberry fic that focussed on baby Fabrays. This is what has had me on this, I think. The fire that I get every few months to want to be a father, meaning I have to re-reevaluate my life and where I am going and what I am doing in order to get there has come again. Everytime it leaves, it comes right back. It scares me sometimes how much I want this, when it always feels like I will never be responsible enough to care for a child. I know that I have a good heart. I know that at the end of the day there are WORSE people to leave a child in their care. I know that only when a child is in my care will I really get to know what I am doing and that every parent is freaked out at first. Who knows, I may become known for being the first single genderqueer single parent to adopt or something. That would actually be pretty cool. They could make a documentary about my progress or something. Anyway, its a good thing I have a Basic Brickmasonry completion in Job Corps, because it looks like I am going to have to build my own Yellow Brick Road for the Dorthys to follow.
Erin