Ugh, I should be asleep right now.
About half an hour ago I was telling myself to just shower and go to bed before I thought myself into a fit, but said fit seems to have passed and now I think I'm just going to do some much-needed word spillage before my brain shuts down out of protest.
I'm not locking this because I don't feel I should have to censor myself and my feelings (I will, however, cut this for those of you who are here for the fangirl squee,) but I do want to point out now that my journal always comes with defriending amnesty--if these posts become more frequent and you decide you're done with reading, you're welcome to take me off your flist with no warning and no hard feelings on my end. In that same vein, please understand that I might do the same.
Those of you who are actually reading this, don't expect what comes next to have any sort of continuity. I'm just talking here because this is easier for me than anything else.
The last few months have kind of royally sucked for me for various reasons that I don't really want to get into because doing so feels pointless. I've been insanely whiny and emo and it's kind of reached a point where my common sense finally woke up from its hibernation and said "holy shit, what have you been doing while I was away?!"
I need to talk less to people who really don't care to listen. I also need to remember to talk more to the people who actually give a shit.
I need to understand that friendships end and sometimes there's not shit you can do about it but accept it and move on without being a sobbing bitch about it.
Addendum to this: I've no clue if you're reading this and I suppose that's really not the point. I'm not even asking for an explanation as to what the fuck happened between us anymore because at this point it's obvious that I'm not going to get one, and I'm finally learning to accept that for what it is. Regardless of my feelings on that, though, I want to say with complete sincerity that I still love you dearly, and I miss you more than you seem to realize or care. You can consider that unfair for me to say but that really doesn't matter to me right now--I just needed to say it.
I really want to spend less time living in my head and more being a friend instead of just...whatever it is I've been. This also goes for my status as a daughter/granddaughter. I hadn't talked to my grandmother for nearly six months before today. I can't even believe I let myself act so...uncaringly isn't a word, is it? But it gets the point across so it'll have to do for now.
Still, living in my head is a lot easier than dealing with people.
New motto: "get off your ass and do it." Things in the immediate future to be contemplated using this motto are the state of my room and the paper rewrite I need to finish.
I'm beginning to think I'm really fucking arrogant without anything to back it up. Ugh, for all that people tell me I'm a nice person I sometimes have the hardest time seeing it.
At the same time as ^that, though, I really need to deal with this stupid, crushing inferiority complex. Most of the things I feel I suck act I suck at because I haven't tried hard enough. And self-pity is just as stupid and pointless as arrogance.
Is there a line between pragmatism and idealism? If so I need to find it because this constant tottering between the two is growing annoying.
And finally, because my brain seems to have calmed down enough to allow me to feel sleepy: in the big scheme of things (even when I can't see it myself,) maybe I'm (mostly--see above for the one glaring thing that needs improvement) okay like I am, and instead of trying to convince myself I'd be better another way maybe I need to stop dealing with the people who don't seem to consider me to be.
Well. That was cathartic.
I'm not locking this because I don't feel I should have to censor myself and my feelings (I will, however, cut this for those of you who are here for the fangirl squee,) but I do want to point out now that my journal always comes with defriending amnesty--if these posts become more frequent and you decide you're done with reading, you're welcome to take me off your flist with no warning and no hard feelings on my end. In that same vein, please understand that I might do the same.
Those of you who are actually reading this, don't expect what comes next to have any sort of continuity. I'm just talking here because this is easier for me than anything else.
The last few months have kind of royally sucked for me for various reasons that I don't really want to get into because doing so feels pointless. I've been insanely whiny and emo and it's kind of reached a point where my common sense finally woke up from its hibernation and said "holy shit, what have you been doing while I was away?!"
I need to talk less to people who really don't care to listen. I also need to remember to talk more to the people who actually give a shit.
I need to understand that friendships end and sometimes there's not shit you can do about it but accept it and move on without being a sobbing bitch about it.
Addendum to this: I've no clue if you're reading this and I suppose that's really not the point. I'm not even asking for an explanation as to what the fuck happened between us anymore because at this point it's obvious that I'm not going to get one, and I'm finally learning to accept that for what it is. Regardless of my feelings on that, though, I want to say with complete sincerity that I still love you dearly, and I miss you more than you seem to realize or care. You can consider that unfair for me to say but that really doesn't matter to me right now--I just needed to say it.
I really want to spend less time living in my head and more being a friend instead of just...whatever it is I've been. This also goes for my status as a daughter/granddaughter. I hadn't talked to my grandmother for nearly six months before today. I can't even believe I let myself act so...uncaringly isn't a word, is it? But it gets the point across so it'll have to do for now.
Still, living in my head is a lot easier than dealing with people.
New motto: "get off your ass and do it." Things in the immediate future to be contemplated using this motto are the state of my room and the paper rewrite I need to finish.
I'm beginning to think I'm really fucking arrogant without anything to back it up. Ugh, for all that people tell me I'm a nice person I sometimes have the hardest time seeing it.
At the same time as ^that, though, I really need to deal with this stupid, crushing inferiority complex. Most of the things I feel I suck act I suck at because I haven't tried hard enough. And self-pity is just as stupid and pointless as arrogance.
Is there a line between pragmatism and idealism? If so I need to find it because this constant tottering between the two is growing annoying.
And finally, because my brain seems to have calmed down enough to allow me to feel sleepy: in the big scheme of things (even when I can't see it myself,) maybe I'm (mostly--see above for the one glaring thing that needs improvement) okay like I am, and instead of trying to convince myself I'd be better another way maybe I need to stop dealing with the people who don't seem to consider me to be.
Well. That was cathartic.