my simple life

[magickedelf]

i finished with the summer season and now no school till i start the stupid math class over again. and i swear if i hear the word rool out for doing the stupid logsub5 25 and stupid. gur. anyways i just felt like writing cause there is only one person i talk too. funny how this man was the only one to really rip my heart out. lol. for years. and i think its odd that it isnt just him but everything. i can think back in my highschool years without thinking of him. so many years have been taken up by the thoughts and memories. and yeah. last night was the best night i have had in sooo long. i love it. i am glad for it. and i just want it to happen agian. he is my best friend and it seems nothing will ever change that. i am just stuck here. i am so afraid of leaving of losing him forever. but i think i already have there will just be a larger distance between us. sometimes i think he will miss me and other times i know that the moment he turns 21 i will by the faded of the past. just like i am to everyone else. i guess im used to being forgotten. i am just the ghost. i guess. i finished the scrap book of me and him. and i just want to burn it. ASHES ONLY. i have month till im 19 and i dont even care. cause it is meaningless. i wanted a birthday with him i wanted him to be there when they tat my wings. and i can fly. oh well. maybe its better this way. he told me him mom is mad at me and i started crying really bad. this women was great. a second mom to me and just it really hurt. cause of being apart of any family i wanted so bad for it to be his. despite everything. it was home. it felt like home. so much. now seeing that place i cant help but tears falling. but it matters not. any of this. my mind races everywhere. and i am just lost. in the oblivion. for a short time i was a hubbard woman and i just messed everything up. guess we both did. and if i could do it all over again i know what i would do. i would be more myself. not always doing things for him cause i know he would like it. or just not voicing anything. i know that was wrong too. he has to hang out with his friends and who cares if he spends hours with them. he came home to me. sigh. i wish i was more understanding to his freedom and ours. i wish he could have..... well it doesnt matter. cause im leaving and he is staying and i am just. i dont even know. whatever. it doesnt matter anymore. and i am so needing to get out here. cause there is nothing left. no friends no forever in his eyes.

five years of trying over. and over and we thought we had it all. and now nothing at all cause he has his friends and life and new girls that he can explore for hours. and i have my art. simple i guess