The Quest to Rank Humans
Sometimes I wonder how anybody can fall in love in this world that we live in. There is so much going on and so quickly, how does anybody have the attention span to focus on any other single individual for any sort of extended time frame? When I sit back and watch people, I see that a lot of the times they don't even really listen to each other. I know that I, too, am often guilty of this, and it makes me sad.
When I was little, I looked at adults as real people who knew something I didn't know. Like they held the answers to all of life's biggest questions. As I've gotten older and become an "adult" myself I see that none of us really know jack shit. Adults, if anything, are crazier than kids. We have so much shit piled up in our brains, so many more memories, so much more confusion, that it's much more difficult for us to have a clear opinion on anything. Or maybe that's just me.
I'm about to be 21 years old, and I still don't know how to rank people. This was a flaw of mine that my roomie pointed out to me when I was in college. It never really was a problem until recently when I noticed that my health was floundering due to me devoting all my time to being with other people. I stopped sleeping regularly and was passing out on people's floors every night. I was overindulging in drinking. I was losing shit and shit was getting stolen. When you lack the ability to place one person's value over another, it is hard to decide who to hang out with and who not to, so I was trying to hang out with everybody I could. Some people I would hang out with regardless of how they treated me. I guess I rank the people I've known the longest above others, because I feel something more special with them. However, I don't (and I hope this doesn't piss my friends off) see how they are objectively BETTER than anybody else. I look at people and I am fascinated by them. You really have to take into consideration where they came from. If somebody is an asshole, I want to know what got them to that point. It's really unfortunate that assholes are so hated by the majority of other people. You don't know what caused them to become an asshole and being mean to them certainly isn't going to improve their asshole-ness.
I wish I could be like other people and just see someone and make a judgment on them and not question it to death. I question everything so much that I don't even know who I am or what I love anymore.
I think my biggest problem in life is that I want to fall in love (like romantically), but I am too damn scared. Also, I have no idea who to be in love with, because I just feel something so deep and intense for other humans that I don't know how to isolate myself with just one person and feel happiness.
It's been so long since I laid in bed with a man... I think it would feel weird. When I used to reflect on who I was, I thought of myself as a girl. In less than a year, I view myself as a woman... this change in perception of my identity has caused me to feel weird when I think about being romantic with anybody. I feel scared to have a man hold me, because I'm not a little girl anymore. It seems more appropriate for a man to hold a little girl... in my retarded brain anyway.
Ah.... the adult life is wonderful. My brain is steadily clouding to the point of reaching insanity.
When I was little, I looked at adults as real people who knew something I didn't know. Like they held the answers to all of life's biggest questions. As I've gotten older and become an "adult" myself I see that none of us really know jack shit. Adults, if anything, are crazier than kids. We have so much shit piled up in our brains, so many more memories, so much more confusion, that it's much more difficult for us to have a clear opinion on anything. Or maybe that's just me.
I'm about to be 21 years old, and I still don't know how to rank people. This was a flaw of mine that my roomie pointed out to me when I was in college. It never really was a problem until recently when I noticed that my health was floundering due to me devoting all my time to being with other people. I stopped sleeping regularly and was passing out on people's floors every night. I was overindulging in drinking. I was losing shit and shit was getting stolen. When you lack the ability to place one person's value over another, it is hard to decide who to hang out with and who not to, so I was trying to hang out with everybody I could. Some people I would hang out with regardless of how they treated me. I guess I rank the people I've known the longest above others, because I feel something more special with them. However, I don't (and I hope this doesn't piss my friends off) see how they are objectively BETTER than anybody else. I look at people and I am fascinated by them. You really have to take into consideration where they came from. If somebody is an asshole, I want to know what got them to that point. It's really unfortunate that assholes are so hated by the majority of other people. You don't know what caused them to become an asshole and being mean to them certainly isn't going to improve their asshole-ness.
I wish I could be like other people and just see someone and make a judgment on them and not question it to death. I question everything so much that I don't even know who I am or what I love anymore.
I think my biggest problem in life is that I want to fall in love (like romantically), but I am too damn scared. Also, I have no idea who to be in love with, because I just feel something so deep and intense for other humans that I don't know how to isolate myself with just one person and feel happiness.
It's been so long since I laid in bed with a man... I think it would feel weird. When I used to reflect on who I was, I thought of myself as a girl. In less than a year, I view myself as a woman... this change in perception of my identity has caused me to feel weird when I think about being romantic with anybody. I feel scared to have a man hold me, because I'm not a little girl anymore. It seems more appropriate for a man to hold a little girl... in my retarded brain anyway.
Ah.... the adult life is wonderful. My brain is steadily clouding to the point of reaching insanity.