That's What He Said, Part 1/2
Author: magicbus77
Title: That's What He Said
Genre/Type: romance/humor
Rating: PG to NC-17
Characters: Luke, Reid, misc. Snyders
Warning: None
Summary: Luke makes a discovery in an old journal.
A/N:So, the older I get, the longer it takes me to bang out a chapter. The wait doesn't appear to be enjoyable for any of us. Thanks to some extremely wise advice of my dear SnapeGirl, this is a completed fic. I have been working on this forever and I really, REALLY hope you enjoy it! Some of you may have read it on LRO. To you, I hope you enjoy it again ;) Thanks to JoAnne (sister-wife and BIB) for all the notes and constant encouragement and jacob (the Treenster) for the keen eye and wonderful ideas. I'm so sorry that I'm making you both wait with everyone else to read the end!
A/N2: JoAnne caught another mistake. A big, huge shout-out to the other sister-wife, cherimola. She came up with the fantastic title! I have such a great group of girls.
Luke settled in on the closet floor of his old bedroom, piles of boxes drawn near. He popped the top on his can of soda and licked orange Cheetos dust from his fingers. This wasn’t such a horrible way to spend the afternoon. It got him out of the house, and since that was the last place he wanted to be, he might as well make the best of it. If he had to make room for Carlton, son of Lily’s fiancé, Luke was going to take his time strolling down memory lane.
After a few hours, he had separated most of his keepsakes. There were three boxes full of comic books and action figures that Luke thought the children in Pediatrics might enjoy. There was another containing yearbooks and several of his early short stories that would go up in the attic in the home Luke shared with Reid. He sighed thinking about how it had felt much less homey there over the past two weeks. They would get past this. Luke could be happy, just as soon as he accepted that he would not be making his own trip down the aisle.
“And she’s making everyone in the wedding party wear pink. My mother actually asked me why I thought Ethan was throwing a fit because she bought him a pink beret.”
Reid was leaning over the kitchen counter, reading the paper. He smiled, but didn’t look up. “Let me guess. Carlton suggested it.”
Luke hated having to say yes. Reid was relentless about how ‘weird that kid is’ and telling him things like this only made it worse. Luke agreed wholeheartedly that Carlton was not your average seven-year-old, but he was still a kid whose mother ran out on him. He deserved a little room to be eccentric if it made him feel better. “He’s already worn it to school.”
“Mmmhmm” Reid clicked his tongue and mentally filed that away, strengthening his case that young Carlton was off his rocker.
“Let’s promise not to subject our friends to any of the wedding foolishness.”
“You’ll get no argument from me.”
“We’ll just do something simple.” Luke went about putting up the groceries, never noticing the look of shocked horror on Reid’s face. “Out by the pond, kind of a picnic type reception.”
Finally, Reid found his voice. “Wait. What? You just said weddings were foolish.”
Luke stepped out of the pantry. He was gaping at Reid. “In what universe would I say that weddings are foolish? I was talking about all the trappings. No way will the price of our floral arrangements be enough to send a kid to Harvard for a semester.”
It took a moment of silence, but Luke caught up. If Reid thought Luke was talking about weddings in general and agreed… “Oh.” The light came on and Luke’s stomach turned. “You don’t want to get married at all. What, like, ever?”
“Well, I haven’t thought of it as a possibility.”
“But it is.” Luke blinked rapidly to keep the tears at bay. “It’s legal.”
Reid dug the heels of his hands in his eyes. “For the last six days it’s been legal. You’re talking like you’ve thought about being Dr. and Mr. Hyphenated for some time now.”
“Why am I so surprised that you haven’t?”
With that, Luke spun on his heels and avoided Reid for the rest of the evening. For the record, Luke wasn’t dying to get married tomorrow. Was it really so insane to think that, someday, Reid would be his husband?
For the first week after that conversation, Reid had went on as normal. He took note of Luke’s cold shoulder and even tried to lighten the mood or bring home something special for dessert that he knew Luke liked. This week, the tables had turned. Reid appeared agitated and would inexplicably blurt out to “clean out that damn closet at your mother’s so she’ll stop calling here.” Lily called daily. Retrieving his belongings from his old room wouldn’t change that and they both new it. Luke figured Reid was trying to start a fight and ignored it.
Luke focused on finishing up the task at hand. He lifted the lid on the final box and dug in. Drawings and cards from Natalie and Ethan took up most of the box. Luke admired each one, trying to remember how old they were when each masterpiece was created. He decided to add them to Lily’s collection and throw the rest in the trash, but after straightening the colorings, a leather bound journal caught his eye.
Luke flipped open the cover and noticed the dates. A bitter taste filled Luke’s mouth as he remembered how writing had been his only solace during that time, after Noah’s accident but before his surgery. Not many good memories awaited him on those pages. “Definitely trash.”
If one journal was in this box, there had to be more. Luke had a particular one in mind. This one he knew had more good memories than bad, but when he found it, his happy thoughts dissipated. Luke stared at the gnarled edges of spiral notebook sheets shoved between crisp white pages.
“What the hell?” Luke lifted the journal and a note dropped to his lap. The paper had been folded sharply, his name scratched out in Reid’s tiny, blunt handwriting.
A flash of panic brought beads of sweat to Luke’s forehead. Reid had read his thoughts, his very private thoughts, and what? Commented on them? A quick check of the dates confirmed that this was the journal he used at the beginning of his relationship with Reid. Luke wracked his brain. Most of what he had written was complementary, but he was sure there were things inside that Reid might take issue with. Worse yet, Luke was sure to take issue with what Reid decided to add.
Luke almost didn’t want to see Reid’s notes, but his curiosity nagged. When had Reid done this? Why hadn’t he ever said anything? Luke fanned the paper out in his lap and leaned back against the wall.
Well, well, Mr. Snyder. This journey into your mind has been enlightening. So many things I didn’t know. Like Noah trying (badly, I’m sure) to coax you into engaging in phone sex after he arrived in LA. And you question why I still don’t like the guy.
Before you get all bent out of shape, I didn’t set out to read your diary.
Luke's lips pursed in anger. “It’s not a diary. Teenage girls have diaries.”
A small amount of the blame falls on your shoulders. Had you not left me alone with your rambunctious siblings, I would have never wandered into your room in search of peace and quiet. I also blame your poor selection of paperbacks. You can tell me again how gripping the Harry Potter series is, but you made me sit through the movies. That was torture enough.
Honestly, Luke. This is the most interesting read in your collection. That may or may not have everything to do with the fact that it is mostly about me. I often forget how fascinating I am. We should talk about me more often.
Right now I imagine you wearing your patented Luke Snyder Bitch Face, jaw jutting to the left and breathing heavily through your nose. My favorite is the flare in your eyes before they narrow. You say so much without words.
I know you’re mad, but simmer down, Raging Bull. Have I not proven myself to be a fair man? Since you (unwittingly) showed me yours, I will show you mine. That’s right. Feelings, Snyder. I have them and I’m writing them down for posterity.
Someday, you will dig up these memories, telling our children (Stop smiling. They’re only hypothetical.) about how their daddies fell in love. (You’re still grinning, aren’t you?) I can’t leave such important events up to your retelling. The kids need to learn that there are two sides to every story. The way things happened and how you remember them.
The doghouse is cold and lonely at night. I should start writing my way out of it. You will see that I have conveniently marked the days that I found most interesting. Enjoy your light reading, Luke. This will never happen again.
Yours,
Reid
“Oh, no.” Luke put his face in his hands and shook his head. “He didn’t do this.”
“Honey?” Lily called from downstairs. Luke could hear the rustle of bags as she squeezed through the front door. "Luke?"
He jumped. How long had he been up here? Luke knew he'd be occupied for a while longer with his new discovery. He didn't have time for a chat with his mother. Luke shut the door and reached up to lock it. Before he could be interrupted, Luke flipped to the first marked page.
May 5th, 2010
It’s official. I am the worst person on the face of this planet. The man I love is in a hospital bed, waiting to wake up and see again and all I can think about is a man I want.
I’m a mess. To say I was lucky that the house was empty when I got home is an understatement. If Mom had seen the vomit on the front of my shirt, the bloodshot state of my eyes, and how my hands shook violently around a glass of water, there would be an intervention in my future soon. How did things get so screwed up? How could I let it go this far?
Reid looked unnatural as he walked off the elevator. I knew then that something awful had happened. He wore defeat like a cement jacket, weighing him down with every step. There were complications, he said.
Going into this, there wasn’t a scenario that I could dream up that would be worse than Noah still being blind. A part of me knew he could die, but that thought was quickly silenced by the part of me that knew Reid wouldn’t let that happen. But brain damage? I hadn’t thought of what that would mean for Noah. What it would mean for me, responsible for taking care of him.
I remember screaming, but I can’t think of what I said. I was so furious. My hands slapped at Reid’s chest, pushing him away. Why wasn’t he saying what I needed to hear? Couldn’t he tell me that Noah would be fine, that he corrected my mistake? That’s what I wanted to know.
If Dad hadn’t stopped me, who knows what I would have done. I envisioned wrapping my fingers around Reid’s shoulders, forcing him to go back in there and do what his pompous ass said he could do. He’d promised me. Was that what really hurt?
In a daze, I mistakenly thought that finding Reid, demanding that he explain things, would make me feel better. Instead, I left his apartment feeling lower than I had since my last drink. The odd thing is that it had nothing to do with what Reid did or said. That would be a perfectly reasonable assumption, but no. The blame was all mine.
An alarm went off inside my head when Reid answered that door. I should have listened and turned away. He had just stepped out of the shower. I didn’t dare look down at his wet chest or his slick, pink nipples, but I knew they were there. I could almost feel the velvety tips harden between my thumb and forefinger, like a phantom memory of something that had never happened before.
It was just like me to charge in there, thinking I had the upper hand. I didn’t know I was in way over my head until I was drowning. Reid took it like a man while I jabbed my finger and spouted with a raised voice my theories of why he failed. I wanted to push his buttons, get under his skin so deep that I would find the truth and drag it out of him. I should have known that would backfire.
Reid let me rant. He skillfully dodged my verbal swings, calmly waiting for me to tire myself out. I knew I was losing, running out of steam. I uttered the words I had been saving for the final blow. Lashing out blindly, I accused Reid of letting his feelings for me affect the care he gave to Noah. It was the direct hit I was aiming for, but I hadn’t counted on the fallout.
He tried to shut me up, but I wouldn’t be stopped. Not until I had thoroughly mocked his perfection and flawlessness. As the words left my mouth, my stomach dropped and tears sprang to my eyes. I wanted truth and I got it. I wasn’t shattering Reid’s illusions but my own. I wholeheartedly believed that Reid could do everything he said, and to see him as a mere human being shook my world.
But he was human and the look of hurt on his face was proof. That’s when Reid turned the tables on me, demanded some explanations of his own. Did I really think he would intentionally harm Noah? I wanted to say yes, but that was a lie. As he waited for my answer, his eyes softened and I lost all bravado.
I needed to nip this line of questioning in the bud before it all got too confusing, too real. Reid wasn’t buying that I didn’t know his true intentions. He read me like a book and no matter how tightly I tried to close the cover, he was free to flip through my thoughts. Why couldn’t he see what really had me devastated?
Before I could run, it all came tumbling out. Reid didn’t lie and I couldn’t hide my own truth any longer. He needed to know what was at stake. If Noah was never the same, what kind of man would I be if I walked away? Noah with permanent brain damage meant I couldn’t move on. Not with Reid, not with anyone.
I was panting, my eyes burning with unshed tears. Reid inched closer. I should have stopped him, but we were magnetized, drawn. When we finally met, desire surged through me like it had always been there, dormant, waiting for Reid to wake it up. I needed him, or at least the feelings he was giving me, like I needed air.
He didn’t taste sweet or even bitter, as Reid’s tongue might lead you to believe. There’s no way to describe it without using Reid as an adjective. The heat of his mouth is what I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forget, like it was the source of the fires of passion.
We clung to one another as the waves of lust crashed over our heads. As much as my body wanted nothing more than to be swept away, survival instincts kicked in and my brain fought like hell. Letting go with Reid carried the risk of losing myself completely. If I couldn’t really have him, if Noah was still in danger, that was way too much to give.
Flight was my only option. Reid tried to stop me by pointing out the obvious. Yes, I wanted every second of what happened between us and more. That was never the question, though I would never admit it to Reid. How could I have it while Noah’s future was so uncertain? I had to find the answer.
I drove like a bat out of hell, my tires squealing in the parking lot. The reality of what I had almost done, what I had wanted to happen, chased me. When I punched my brakes at a four-way stop, it all caught up and gripped my stomach hard. I barely had time to pull over before all the coffee I had consumed made it’s way back up.
Leaning my head back, I struggled for a deep breath. I found a bottle of water in the backseat and flushed my sour mouth. Relief washed over me for the briefest of moments before the panic set in. I licked at the roof of my mouth, my teeth, my lips. Tears struck me hard when I realized I couldn’t taste Reid anymore, that I might never taste him again.
I couldn’t see Noah like that, so I came home to wash up and try to calm down. My eyes were no longer red and I had scrubbed the streaks from my cheeks, but I still couldn’t force myself to head to the hospital. That’s how I ended up here. I thought maybe writing it all down would give me some perspective. I’m pretty sure I know what I need to do.
Each day, I will sit at Noah’s side and pray. He will again be my main focus. I refuse to rest until he is awake and well and on his way to being everything Noah Mayer has always wanted to be. I have to make this happen. I will clean up my mess.
The next step will be the hardest. If it wasn’t absolutely necessary, I wouldn’t even attempt it. I have my doubts about following through, but I have to stay away from Reid.
Luke smiled at his last statement. His doubts were correct. He didn’t make it an hour before he saw Reid again, and instead of running in the opposite direction, Luke was wanting more of the very man he had decided to deny.
Hand trembling, Luke flipped the page. This was it. He would be faced with Reid’s opinion on thoughts Luke never intended for him to hear. He was still plenty angry at Reid for invading his privacy, but he couldn’t help but want to even the playing field. It’s not every day one gets to know what Reid Oliver was thinking.
Is that really what it was like for you? So concerned about Noah’s happiness that the guilt of having some of your own made you physically ill? God, Luke. It was worse than I thought. I couldn’t live with myself if I knew I had ever made you feel like this. Thanks to you, I know a thing or two about love. What I just read? That isn’t it.
I wonder if you remember things differently now. Four years is a long time to reflect. Maybe it’s not as traumatic when you look back. I mean, that kiss was pretty hot. The day wasn’t all failures and Noah Mayer.
Would you like to know what I remember? Hearing you knock as soon as I shut off the water in the shower. I hopped into my jeans (sans underwear, in case you were wondering) and barely zipped up before I answered the door. The second I saw your face, I knew something was about to change. Either one of us would perish in a no-holds-barred death match or I would spend a large chunk of my afternoon drilling you into my mattress. I knew which one I would choose, but you seemed to still be on the fence.
It’s no surprise that I love it when we argue. Now that you know this little nugget, I think you pick fights on purpose and I thank you for it. Back then, you only knew how it affected you. I spotted the physiological signs immediately. The heavy breathing, the dilated pupils. Yes, during our verbal sparring, you slid off that fence and made a choice. I may have been presumptive about the manner in which it would happen (Why didn’t we have sex that day?), but I was right about the shift between us.
I don’t know the exact moment I fell in love with you, but I remember when I first saw the edge of the cliff. There was such pain in your eyes and your voice was so small when you asked me how this situation with Noah had happened. My chest ached for you and I knew I was in deep shit.
You described the war between your body and mind. I’m here to tell you that was not the only battle raging. My head and heart were also at odds. You looked soft and warm and you kept licking those enticing fucking lips of yours. I was so hard for you I thought the seams on my jeans might pop. My head was on board with what my body had planned. My heart knew it wouldn’t be that simple.
I could feed you a line about how I longed to comfort you, but the truth is, you were so hot I was hoping we could console each other with blow jobs, at the very least. Spare me the eye roll. You were just beginning to crack my tough outer shell at this point. I was still a horny gay man. I saw the tiniest of nods from you. That was all I needed.
With that first kiss, my head began to gloat. You slid your tongue in my mouth and it was all systems go. I fantasized of feeling you pliant beneath me, schooling you on what you had surely been missing in the bed you shared with Noah. I haven’t been jealous of him in a long time, but when we first began, that feeling had a strong presence. It drove me to prove who the better man was for you. Unbuttoning your shirt in my living room felt like I was finally getting my opportunity.
You pulled away and my heart didn’t waste any time saying ‘I told you so.’ I tried to convince you we weren’t doing anything wrong. It was only sex. How was I supposed to know that you had never used ‘only’ and ‘sex’ in a sentence together?
I didn’t want you to leave before you admitted something was brewing between us. That was for your benefit. Call it cocky, but I already knew. The body doesn’t lie. The heart, however, can be easily fooled. I had to get you thinking about me, about us, as a viable alternative to the abusive merry-go-round you were stuck on.
When you walked out my door, I started to understand what you had been trying to say. My head began to piece together all your half sentences. It hit me that if Noah could make it through, we stood a chance. I put on my shoes and headed for the hospital, no longer caring that I was exhausted or that Bob would probably give me a lecture for returning so soon. I had a job to do.
You were in every thought I had that day. My head went to work, spurred on by hopes of instant gratification when Mr. Mayer opened his eyes and was as fully functional as he was before. My heart was ahead of the game. It instinctively knew I had months of indecision ahead, but that if I had a little patience, I would get everything I never knew I wanted. You taught me that patience is a good quality to have. I’m asking you to have some of your own.
“Wow.” Luke breathed. This had to have been recent. Reid didn’t have to spell it out for Luke to know he was talking about the whole marriage issue. He could admit that he may have come across as pushy. And yes, there was a part of Luke that did expect them to march down the aisle as soon as it was signed into law that they could. They had been together for longer than almost every couple in town. That meant something.
He didn’t want to get upset about this now. Reid loved him. He wouldn’t have done this for Luke if he didn’t. Luke took a deep breath and continued reading.
May 20th 2010
I didn’t go looking for Reid. When I left the hospital, I wanted to drive. At least in my car, my thoughts were my own and I didn’t have to share them. Not until I figured a few things out.
Noah had me so confused. Since he woke up from surgery, every conversation sounded like him pleading his case, like he wanted me to understand why he pushed me away. Noah had given me every indication that he wanted to try again, give our relationship another shot. Now that he has his sight back, he’d say, everything can go back to normal.
So, why did Noah change his tune after the headache? I was finally beginning to believe that maybe he was right. Our history meant something and I knew Noah loved me in his way. Did he think he was being noble by releasing me, like I’d feel better now that he’d given me his blessing to move on?
What happened this time for him to keep me at arm’s length? Maybe I resisted too long. Maybe Reid said something to him. Maybe he doesn’t like my cologne. I was coming to the realization that I didn’t know what Noah thought anymore.
After Noah kicked me out of his hospital room, I didn’t know where to go. The farm had too many people. The park had the pond and the all-consuming fear I felt there just an hour ago, so I kept driving. That’s when I saw Reid’s car. Without thinking, I pulled into the spot right next to his.
Reid sat on a stool looking as alone as the sole inhabitant of a deserted island. He was searching for solace in the bottom of a bottle. I could relate to that. Even though I tried to fight it and to any outsider we seemed to be on opposite ends of the spectrum, I related to Reid.
He wasn’t happy to see me. Reid rarely was these days. I could see the look of dread on his face whenever he saw me approaching. I missed the days when Reid’s eyes would light up because he knew we were about to clash. Not even our arguments were fun anymore. I knew it all came down to my indecision, but I was as sad for myself as I was for him.
After awkward talk of what exactly it was I was doing there and hints of my alcohol issues, Reid finally cut to the chase. He did that so well. He wasn’t interested in softening blows. If pain was coming, Reid stood tall and dared the world to bring it on. So, he asked as he braced for the answer, didn’t I want to stay with Noah?
My response wasn’t really an answer at all. Did I want to stay with Noah? Was I capable of letting go? Why did I feel like a monkey in a tree, waiting for the situation with Reid to be more secure before I took the leap? I didn’t know, so I told Reid what drove me away from the hospital. Noah didn’t want me to stay.
Was Reid as disappointed by that as I was? He should be. I still let Noah dictate our relationship, just as Reid had pointed out a month ago and nothing had changed. I told Reid that Noah was confused about his feelings for me. I gave the appearance that I was okay to twist in the wind until he figured it out.
Reid never failed to surprise me. Instead of the expected ridicule, more talk of how I should be sick of such treatment, he just spit it out. “I’m not.” So short, so simple and so true. Reid didn’t falter when his eyes met mine. They were clear blue and certain, and then, they were gone.
With no more warning than the time it took to throw some bills on the bar and a muttered “I can’t do this”, Reid left me with my mouth hanging open. He also left me with one prevailing thought. Reid said he couldn’t do this, but he could. In fact, he had. Was he really saying that he wouldn’t do this, not any longer?
Panic began to tingle in my spine and my surroundings became loud and vibrant. A slow, mournful song droned on the jukebox, drowning out the clink of ice on glass. The smell of whiskey was so thick in the air I could taste it. Landmines of temptation were all around. I realized I was in the wrong place for my state of mind. Being near Reid had masked that, but now he was gone and I needed, for my sake, to follow.
So there I sat, steering wheel gripped tightly in my left hand as I gnawed at the fingernails on my right, searching for the courage to find Reid. It wasn’t fair and it probably wasn’t smart, but things were so much simpler when he was around. I have never denied being selfish in that way and I didn’t even let it bother me as I turned my key in the ignition and headed to Reid’s apartment.
Luke flipped the page only to find the next day’s entry. He licked his finger and rubbed hard at the corner of the paper. That was all he had written. He nodded, remembering how Ethan had burst into his room in tears over a nightmare at that moment. It was very hard to write with a five year old curled on your chest.
Even though he didn’t have a chance to write it down, Luke knew what happened next. He settled back against his pillows and closed his eyes. Luke could picture it all very clearly.
“What are you doing here, Mr. Snyder?”
Luke bounced anxiously on his toes with his hands jammed in his pockets. “What did you mean?”
“Did you drink a gallon of Red Bull?” Reid pulled a face, his eyebrow arched high as he took a swig of his beer. “Why are you shaking?”
With a little more force, Luke repeated his question. “What did you mean?”
“I am still speaking English, correct?” Reid’s chin jutted forward, his speech extremely slow. “What. Are you. Doing here?”
“You can’t do ‘this’.” Luke pushed past Reid and turned in a small, uncertain circle. “This is what, exactly?”
“This is an invasion of my privacy. What the hell is with you? First, you run me out of Yo’s and now, you’ve invited yourself into my home.”
“I didn’t run you out of the bar. You said you can’t do ‘this’ and you bolted.” Luke sounded indignant, even to himself.
Reid shrugged, his beer sloshing in its green bottle. “Luke, I-“
“I like spending time with you.” Luke’s eyes went wide. He was surprised at his own honesty. “I don’t think so much when we’re together. It’s just you and me getting to know more about each other. That’s what I think ‘this’ is. Do you really not want to do that anymore?”
“Luke, I-“
“Because I do.”
“Are you going to let me speak?”
A blush rose to Luke’s cheeks. “Sorry.”
Reid curled his lips inward and took a deep breath. “I suppose it wouldn’t kill me…” He paused, enjoying Luke’s pleading eyes as he waited. “The next time our paths cross when we’re out, I’ll buy you a club soda.”
The air from Luke’s lung rushed out in a relieved chuckle. “Sounds good.”
“Great, but as you can see, I’m in.” Reid gestured toward the door. “You were just leaving.”
“Right. Yeah.” Luke nodded, his steps stuttering as he neared Reid. Should Luke hug him, fist bump, shove him against the wall for a make-out session? He opted for the embarrassingly awkward smile. “See you around.”
“I should have kissed him.” Luke often felt that way when he looked back at his beginning with Reid. If they had spent more time kissing, they would have saved themselves months of heartache. Luke unfolded Reid’s note, wondering if he felt the same way.
What? Nothing about your pit stop by my apartment? Let me guess. There was a manicure emergency in the Walsh-Snyder household this evening. Something that required the attention of the whole family. It’s not like you to leave a phrase or stolen glance unanalyzed, so it had to be something big.
That’s okay. I could never forget it. I went to Yo’s that afternoon with the intention of using alcohol to kill every brain cell that held a memory of you. It’s not like I hadn’t seen that dedication before, your undying devotion to Mr. Mayer. Maybe it was just the mood I was in, but I had lost all hope and patience with your latest display. The only thing I wanted to do was erase you.
I don’t have to tell you how well that really works. Alcohol is never the answer, not for my problems. Instead of drinking you off my mind, I conjured you out of thin air. I may not have been happy to see you, but I was far from shocked. It was the last thing I thought I needed. Of course, you would show up.
So, yes, I ran. Are you happy now? Sweet, innocent, cute as a box of kittens Luke Snyder sent me running for the hills. I went home, grabbed a beer from the fridge and felt like I had done the right thing putting some space between us. You had other ideas.
I find your persistence endearing, but that hasn’t always been the case. Our situation may have had a very different outcome if I had my way. You wouldn’t let me have ten minutes of peace to try and think of something other than you, so my way never really got a fair shot. Seeing how things have turned out for us, I show more gratitude for your tenacity now.
Here’s one thing you need to know. Even if you hadn’t shown up, even if you hadn’t told me what you wanted, my feelings wouldn’t have changed. I loved you then as I love you today, with as much of myself as I can give. Is it everything you deserve? No. That gives me something to strive for. My love isn’t perfect, but it has never wavered. I will be there for you as long as you continue to want me. Probably even longer than that.
Luke’s body jerked, startled by the jiggling of the handle. “Luke, why is the door locked? Are you okay?”
“I’m fine, Mom.” Luke clutched the journal to his chest, protecting it like Lily had x-ray vision to see through the wall.
“I was going to make tea. Would you like some?”
Wanting to get back to his reading, Luke was a tad shorter with his mother than he had intended. “Maybe later.”
“Luke, I feel strange having this conversation. Will you please open the door?”
Granted, Lily probably was uncomfortable, but Luke resented the fact that he couldn’t have a few moments to himself. He felt exactly like he did when he smuggled his first copy of Inches up to his room and sat in this very spot, admiring just how many inches one magazine could fit on its pages. His reading material was much more personal these days. “I’ll be down later.”
June 3rd, 2010
What was I thinking? Maybe I wasn’t. Reid does that to me. I hadn’t set out to invite him to my house. That’s not why I went to the hospital, but seeing him again, realizing how much I missed him, scrambled my brain. I saw him hunched over the small table in the doctors’ lounge, shoveling that brown goop into his mouth and I couldn’t bear it. If anyone deserved a home cooked meal and someone to share it with, it was Reid.
He declined, and I learned you can feel relieved and disappointed at the same time. I knew it was a stupid idea as soon as the words left my mouth, but it still stung that he said no. I had been hoping that he felt my absence as much as I felt the weight of his, but since he was so quick to decline, I guess not. It would have been for the best, Reid not showing up today. Knowing that and being as mad and frustrated as I am right now, there is still a part of me that was happy to see him. I’m aware of how messed up that sounds.
It would be easy to say that Reid put me in this mood, but that’s not fair. Since I couldn’t stop replaying this afternoon in my head, I decided to take a second look at the events and I figured out whom I was really mad at. I surprised myself with an honest answer. Noah.
He meant it when he said he didn’t need me, but apparently, Noah feels differently about my family. Mom had a little chat with me after everyone left. She was heartbroken over his sad face and how he struggled to say goodbye. It hit me then that Noah didn’t mind playing the victim, he just never wanted me to be the one to save him.
I can’t believe he got so pissed off that I had invited Reid and not him. Three days ago, he acted like he couldn’t stand being in the same room with me. I thought that included social events. I guess Noah expected me to read deeper between the lines. In his mind, it was clearly my fault when that didn’t happen. When he stormed out of my room, I bet he thought he knew what I was going to do. My first instinct was to chase him. The fact that Reid knew that about me was the only reason I didn’t go.
Why does Reid have to push me? Yes, it was an awkward beginning, but if I could brush it off, he could at least make an attempt. True to his nature, he started in with “Noah’s family” and “where you’ve, no doubt, made love countless times.” Don’t think that sentence hasn’t played in my mind a thousand times tonight. God, Reid’s just so damn infuriating.
The good doctor, for being a genius, is never wise enough to take the out. He starts in on his defensive crap and I call him on it. Any normal human being would take the opportunity to drop the act and open up. Reid? Hell, no. Instead of telling me what he’s feeling, he pokes my wounds with a stick and has the audacity to ask me if they’re tender.
I’m beginning to think that Reid hasn’t given a moment’s thought to what I’ve been going through. Is it really so hard to understand that a three year relationship takes more than a day to get over? Reid acts so certain that it should be. What he doesn’t get is that I need to be over Noah for us to even have a shot. I don’t know how to make him see that without telling him outright. Given the views he shared this afternoon on love and relationships, I think we might have different ideas about the direction we are heading. I’m in no rush to make a fool of myself.
Question is, do I believe him? Should I listen to him when he chuckles about mixed Cds or remember how I actually felt the temperature change when Reid turned cold and shut me out? Do I take Reid’s mockery at face value or do I pay attention to the look on his face when he left my room? I’ve seen that look of hurt in his eyes before. I’m ashamed that I didn’t go after him, but I hadn’t thought about what he might be going through until now. Why is it that I learn more about Reid through our misunderstandings than I know about most people just by asking?
Oddly enough, reading this made Luke angry all over again. Early on, Reid had been so guarded. Any time Luke would try to move past that, see beyond the walls, Reid would turn antagonistic. It had bothered Luke then, and apparently, it still did. Luke couldn’t wait to see his reasoning.
When you considered what that afternoon was like for me, what did you see? Was that mile you walked in my shoes a leisurely stroll or did you fall into all the perilous traps that blocked my path? Let’s compare notes.
I don’t know what I expected when I showed up at your house. I rightly assumed there would be tension, but I thought it would come from jabs traded with your mother over my lack of table manners or advanced age. Oh, if only I could have been so lucky.
Instead, I found Noah. He towered over me with his pissy attitude and sense of entitlement, but the real kick to the gut was that you asked him to stay. You wanted him there. When he stormed out, I could tell you were thinking about following him. After wisely staying put, you asked me to understand.
I understood more than I wanted to that day. Seeing you together, that look of longing in your eyes. What was it that you wanted so badly? To be with Noah or to be okay without him? It’s too unsettling for me to wager a guess.
All’s well that ends well, they say. Our love was fated, written in the stars. (Look at how you’ve changed me. Reid Oliver circa 2010 would have laughed that notion out of town.) Anyway, I won your heart and gave Noah the proverbial finger. So why does this brief moment in our history threaten the balance of my delicate digestive system even now? Because Noah wasn’t the only one who was blind.
Butterflies were once caterpillars. Everyone knows this, but unless you watched the Chrysalis, you don’t look at the butterfly as ever being anything else, once having a different shape entirely. While the Luke and Noah that I had been witness to had no resemblance to a butterfly, I hadn’t spent much time pondering what you looked like before.
Walking in on you two, at the scene of the crime, busted my rose-colored glasses with one swift punch. Try as I might, standing there struggling to breathe, it was undeniable that you were once the type of couple to pose for smiling pictures, arms affectionately draped over each other’s shoulders. He had kissed your lips, touched you everywhere in that very space. Noah was the first for you in so many ways. That’s a tough act to follow. The memories of you two swirling around me were so thick, I was choking on them.
I had no other choice. I had to get as far away as possible and I couldn’t go of my own free will. How could I let you think that I was bothered? Feeling the greatest distance between us since I had kissed you in Dallas, that was much more than I was willing to reveal. You needed to kick me out. I knew all the important buttons to push.
When I left your room, it was because things went exactly as I had orchestrated. With the exception of how you brought me to Oakdale, you have never tricked or forced me into anything. I don’t say this to knock you down or steal your thunder if you believe you have. The same could be said of me. You are much too smart to let me use my powers of sexual persuasion to push you into seeing things my way.
It’s important that you understand that I have never done anything that I didn’t want to do. As persuasive as you can be, Mr. Snyder, you are incapable of strong-arming me. That pertains to our current situation, as well.
Title: That's What He Said
Genre/Type: romance/humor
Rating: PG to NC-17
Characters: Luke, Reid, misc. Snyders
Warning: None
Summary: Luke makes a discovery in an old journal.
A/N:So, the older I get, the longer it takes me to bang out a chapter. The wait doesn't appear to be enjoyable for any of us. Thanks to some extremely wise advice of my dear SnapeGirl, this is a completed fic. I have been working on this forever and I really, REALLY hope you enjoy it! Some of you may have read it on LRO. To you, I hope you enjoy it again ;) Thanks to JoAnne (sister-wife and BIB) for all the notes and constant encouragement and jacob (the Treenster) for the keen eye and wonderful ideas. I'm so sorry that I'm making you both wait with everyone else to read the end!
A/N2: JoAnne caught another mistake. A big, huge shout-out to the other sister-wife, cherimola. She came up with the fantastic title! I have such a great group of girls.
Luke settled in on the closet floor of his old bedroom, piles of boxes drawn near. He popped the top on his can of soda and licked orange Cheetos dust from his fingers. This wasn’t such a horrible way to spend the afternoon. It got him out of the house, and since that was the last place he wanted to be, he might as well make the best of it. If he had to make room for Carlton, son of Lily’s fiancé, Luke was going to take his time strolling down memory lane.
After a few hours, he had separated most of his keepsakes. There were three boxes full of comic books and action figures that Luke thought the children in Pediatrics might enjoy. There was another containing yearbooks and several of his early short stories that would go up in the attic in the home Luke shared with Reid. He sighed thinking about how it had felt much less homey there over the past two weeks. They would get past this. Luke could be happy, just as soon as he accepted that he would not be making his own trip down the aisle.
“And she’s making everyone in the wedding party wear pink. My mother actually asked me why I thought Ethan was throwing a fit because she bought him a pink beret.”
Reid was leaning over the kitchen counter, reading the paper. He smiled, but didn’t look up. “Let me guess. Carlton suggested it.”
Luke hated having to say yes. Reid was relentless about how ‘weird that kid is’ and telling him things like this only made it worse. Luke agreed wholeheartedly that Carlton was not your average seven-year-old, but he was still a kid whose mother ran out on him. He deserved a little room to be eccentric if it made him feel better. “He’s already worn it to school.”
“Mmmhmm” Reid clicked his tongue and mentally filed that away, strengthening his case that young Carlton was off his rocker.
“Let’s promise not to subject our friends to any of the wedding foolishness.”
“You’ll get no argument from me.”
“We’ll just do something simple.” Luke went about putting up the groceries, never noticing the look of shocked horror on Reid’s face. “Out by the pond, kind of a picnic type reception.”
Finally, Reid found his voice. “Wait. What? You just said weddings were foolish.”
Luke stepped out of the pantry. He was gaping at Reid. “In what universe would I say that weddings are foolish? I was talking about all the trappings. No way will the price of our floral arrangements be enough to send a kid to Harvard for a semester.”
It took a moment of silence, but Luke caught up. If Reid thought Luke was talking about weddings in general and agreed… “Oh.” The light came on and Luke’s stomach turned. “You don’t want to get married at all. What, like, ever?”
“Well, I haven’t thought of it as a possibility.”
“But it is.” Luke blinked rapidly to keep the tears at bay. “It’s legal.”
Reid dug the heels of his hands in his eyes. “For the last six days it’s been legal. You’re talking like you’ve thought about being Dr. and Mr. Hyphenated for some time now.”
“Why am I so surprised that you haven’t?”
With that, Luke spun on his heels and avoided Reid for the rest of the evening. For the record, Luke wasn’t dying to get married tomorrow. Was it really so insane to think that, someday, Reid would be his husband?
For the first week after that conversation, Reid had went on as normal. He took note of Luke’s cold shoulder and even tried to lighten the mood or bring home something special for dessert that he knew Luke liked. This week, the tables had turned. Reid appeared agitated and would inexplicably blurt out to “clean out that damn closet at your mother’s so she’ll stop calling here.” Lily called daily. Retrieving his belongings from his old room wouldn’t change that and they both new it. Luke figured Reid was trying to start a fight and ignored it.
Luke focused on finishing up the task at hand. He lifted the lid on the final box and dug in. Drawings and cards from Natalie and Ethan took up most of the box. Luke admired each one, trying to remember how old they were when each masterpiece was created. He decided to add them to Lily’s collection and throw the rest in the trash, but after straightening the colorings, a leather bound journal caught his eye.
Luke flipped open the cover and noticed the dates. A bitter taste filled Luke’s mouth as he remembered how writing had been his only solace during that time, after Noah’s accident but before his surgery. Not many good memories awaited him on those pages. “Definitely trash.”
If one journal was in this box, there had to be more. Luke had a particular one in mind. This one he knew had more good memories than bad, but when he found it, his happy thoughts dissipated. Luke stared at the gnarled edges of spiral notebook sheets shoved between crisp white pages.
“What the hell?” Luke lifted the journal and a note dropped to his lap. The paper had been folded sharply, his name scratched out in Reid’s tiny, blunt handwriting.
A flash of panic brought beads of sweat to Luke’s forehead. Reid had read his thoughts, his very private thoughts, and what? Commented on them? A quick check of the dates confirmed that this was the journal he used at the beginning of his relationship with Reid. Luke wracked his brain. Most of what he had written was complementary, but he was sure there were things inside that Reid might take issue with. Worse yet, Luke was sure to take issue with what Reid decided to add.
Luke almost didn’t want to see Reid’s notes, but his curiosity nagged. When had Reid done this? Why hadn’t he ever said anything? Luke fanned the paper out in his lap and leaned back against the wall.
Well, well, Mr. Snyder. This journey into your mind has been enlightening. So many things I didn’t know. Like Noah trying (badly, I’m sure) to coax you into engaging in phone sex after he arrived in LA. And you question why I still don’t like the guy.
Before you get all bent out of shape, I didn’t set out to read your diary.
Luke's lips pursed in anger. “It’s not a diary. Teenage girls have diaries.”
A small amount of the blame falls on your shoulders. Had you not left me alone with your rambunctious siblings, I would have never wandered into your room in search of peace and quiet. I also blame your poor selection of paperbacks. You can tell me again how gripping the Harry Potter series is, but you made me sit through the movies. That was torture enough.
Honestly, Luke. This is the most interesting read in your collection. That may or may not have everything to do with the fact that it is mostly about me. I often forget how fascinating I am. We should talk about me more often.
Right now I imagine you wearing your patented Luke Snyder Bitch Face, jaw jutting to the left and breathing heavily through your nose. My favorite is the flare in your eyes before they narrow. You say so much without words.
I know you’re mad, but simmer down, Raging Bull. Have I not proven myself to be a fair man? Since you (unwittingly) showed me yours, I will show you mine. That’s right. Feelings, Snyder. I have them and I’m writing them down for posterity.
Someday, you will dig up these memories, telling our children (Stop smiling. They’re only hypothetical.) about how their daddies fell in love. (You’re still grinning, aren’t you?) I can’t leave such important events up to your retelling. The kids need to learn that there are two sides to every story. The way things happened and how you remember them.
The doghouse is cold and lonely at night. I should start writing my way out of it. You will see that I have conveniently marked the days that I found most interesting. Enjoy your light reading, Luke. This will never happen again.
Yours,
Reid
“Oh, no.” Luke put his face in his hands and shook his head. “He didn’t do this.”
“Honey?” Lily called from downstairs. Luke could hear the rustle of bags as she squeezed through the front door. "Luke?"
He jumped. How long had he been up here? Luke knew he'd be occupied for a while longer with his new discovery. He didn't have time for a chat with his mother. Luke shut the door and reached up to lock it. Before he could be interrupted, Luke flipped to the first marked page.
May 5th, 2010
It’s official. I am the worst person on the face of this planet. The man I love is in a hospital bed, waiting to wake up and see again and all I can think about is a man I want.
I’m a mess. To say I was lucky that the house was empty when I got home is an understatement. If Mom had seen the vomit on the front of my shirt, the bloodshot state of my eyes, and how my hands shook violently around a glass of water, there would be an intervention in my future soon. How did things get so screwed up? How could I let it go this far?
Reid looked unnatural as he walked off the elevator. I knew then that something awful had happened. He wore defeat like a cement jacket, weighing him down with every step. There were complications, he said.
Going into this, there wasn’t a scenario that I could dream up that would be worse than Noah still being blind. A part of me knew he could die, but that thought was quickly silenced by the part of me that knew Reid wouldn’t let that happen. But brain damage? I hadn’t thought of what that would mean for Noah. What it would mean for me, responsible for taking care of him.
I remember screaming, but I can’t think of what I said. I was so furious. My hands slapped at Reid’s chest, pushing him away. Why wasn’t he saying what I needed to hear? Couldn’t he tell me that Noah would be fine, that he corrected my mistake? That’s what I wanted to know.
If Dad hadn’t stopped me, who knows what I would have done. I envisioned wrapping my fingers around Reid’s shoulders, forcing him to go back in there and do what his pompous ass said he could do. He’d promised me. Was that what really hurt?
In a daze, I mistakenly thought that finding Reid, demanding that he explain things, would make me feel better. Instead, I left his apartment feeling lower than I had since my last drink. The odd thing is that it had nothing to do with what Reid did or said. That would be a perfectly reasonable assumption, but no. The blame was all mine.
An alarm went off inside my head when Reid answered that door. I should have listened and turned away. He had just stepped out of the shower. I didn’t dare look down at his wet chest or his slick, pink nipples, but I knew they were there. I could almost feel the velvety tips harden between my thumb and forefinger, like a phantom memory of something that had never happened before.
It was just like me to charge in there, thinking I had the upper hand. I didn’t know I was in way over my head until I was drowning. Reid took it like a man while I jabbed my finger and spouted with a raised voice my theories of why he failed. I wanted to push his buttons, get under his skin so deep that I would find the truth and drag it out of him. I should have known that would backfire.
Reid let me rant. He skillfully dodged my verbal swings, calmly waiting for me to tire myself out. I knew I was losing, running out of steam. I uttered the words I had been saving for the final blow. Lashing out blindly, I accused Reid of letting his feelings for me affect the care he gave to Noah. It was the direct hit I was aiming for, but I hadn’t counted on the fallout.
He tried to shut me up, but I wouldn’t be stopped. Not until I had thoroughly mocked his perfection and flawlessness. As the words left my mouth, my stomach dropped and tears sprang to my eyes. I wanted truth and I got it. I wasn’t shattering Reid’s illusions but my own. I wholeheartedly believed that Reid could do everything he said, and to see him as a mere human being shook my world.
But he was human and the look of hurt on his face was proof. That’s when Reid turned the tables on me, demanded some explanations of his own. Did I really think he would intentionally harm Noah? I wanted to say yes, but that was a lie. As he waited for my answer, his eyes softened and I lost all bravado.
I needed to nip this line of questioning in the bud before it all got too confusing, too real. Reid wasn’t buying that I didn’t know his true intentions. He read me like a book and no matter how tightly I tried to close the cover, he was free to flip through my thoughts. Why couldn’t he see what really had me devastated?
Before I could run, it all came tumbling out. Reid didn’t lie and I couldn’t hide my own truth any longer. He needed to know what was at stake. If Noah was never the same, what kind of man would I be if I walked away? Noah with permanent brain damage meant I couldn’t move on. Not with Reid, not with anyone.
I was panting, my eyes burning with unshed tears. Reid inched closer. I should have stopped him, but we were magnetized, drawn. When we finally met, desire surged through me like it had always been there, dormant, waiting for Reid to wake it up. I needed him, or at least the feelings he was giving me, like I needed air.
He didn’t taste sweet or even bitter, as Reid’s tongue might lead you to believe. There’s no way to describe it without using Reid as an adjective. The heat of his mouth is what I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forget, like it was the source of the fires of passion.
We clung to one another as the waves of lust crashed over our heads. As much as my body wanted nothing more than to be swept away, survival instincts kicked in and my brain fought like hell. Letting go with Reid carried the risk of losing myself completely. If I couldn’t really have him, if Noah was still in danger, that was way too much to give.
Flight was my only option. Reid tried to stop me by pointing out the obvious. Yes, I wanted every second of what happened between us and more. That was never the question, though I would never admit it to Reid. How could I have it while Noah’s future was so uncertain? I had to find the answer.
I drove like a bat out of hell, my tires squealing in the parking lot. The reality of what I had almost done, what I had wanted to happen, chased me. When I punched my brakes at a four-way stop, it all caught up and gripped my stomach hard. I barely had time to pull over before all the coffee I had consumed made it’s way back up.
Leaning my head back, I struggled for a deep breath. I found a bottle of water in the backseat and flushed my sour mouth. Relief washed over me for the briefest of moments before the panic set in. I licked at the roof of my mouth, my teeth, my lips. Tears struck me hard when I realized I couldn’t taste Reid anymore, that I might never taste him again.
I couldn’t see Noah like that, so I came home to wash up and try to calm down. My eyes were no longer red and I had scrubbed the streaks from my cheeks, but I still couldn’t force myself to head to the hospital. That’s how I ended up here. I thought maybe writing it all down would give me some perspective. I’m pretty sure I know what I need to do.
Each day, I will sit at Noah’s side and pray. He will again be my main focus. I refuse to rest until he is awake and well and on his way to being everything Noah Mayer has always wanted to be. I have to make this happen. I will clean up my mess.
The next step will be the hardest. If it wasn’t absolutely necessary, I wouldn’t even attempt it. I have my doubts about following through, but I have to stay away from Reid.
Luke smiled at his last statement. His doubts were correct. He didn’t make it an hour before he saw Reid again, and instead of running in the opposite direction, Luke was wanting more of the very man he had decided to deny.
Hand trembling, Luke flipped the page. This was it. He would be faced with Reid’s opinion on thoughts Luke never intended for him to hear. He was still plenty angry at Reid for invading his privacy, but he couldn’t help but want to even the playing field. It’s not every day one gets to know what Reid Oliver was thinking.
Is that really what it was like for you? So concerned about Noah’s happiness that the guilt of having some of your own made you physically ill? God, Luke. It was worse than I thought. I couldn’t live with myself if I knew I had ever made you feel like this. Thanks to you, I know a thing or two about love. What I just read? That isn’t it.
I wonder if you remember things differently now. Four years is a long time to reflect. Maybe it’s not as traumatic when you look back. I mean, that kiss was pretty hot. The day wasn’t all failures and Noah Mayer.
Would you like to know what I remember? Hearing you knock as soon as I shut off the water in the shower. I hopped into my jeans (sans underwear, in case you were wondering) and barely zipped up before I answered the door. The second I saw your face, I knew something was about to change. Either one of us would perish in a no-holds-barred death match or I would spend a large chunk of my afternoon drilling you into my mattress. I knew which one I would choose, but you seemed to still be on the fence.
It’s no surprise that I love it when we argue. Now that you know this little nugget, I think you pick fights on purpose and I thank you for it. Back then, you only knew how it affected you. I spotted the physiological signs immediately. The heavy breathing, the dilated pupils. Yes, during our verbal sparring, you slid off that fence and made a choice. I may have been presumptive about the manner in which it would happen (Why didn’t we have sex that day?), but I was right about the shift between us.
I don’t know the exact moment I fell in love with you, but I remember when I first saw the edge of the cliff. There was such pain in your eyes and your voice was so small when you asked me how this situation with Noah had happened. My chest ached for you and I knew I was in deep shit.
You described the war between your body and mind. I’m here to tell you that was not the only battle raging. My head and heart were also at odds. You looked soft and warm and you kept licking those enticing fucking lips of yours. I was so hard for you I thought the seams on my jeans might pop. My head was on board with what my body had planned. My heart knew it wouldn’t be that simple.
I could feed you a line about how I longed to comfort you, but the truth is, you were so hot I was hoping we could console each other with blow jobs, at the very least. Spare me the eye roll. You were just beginning to crack my tough outer shell at this point. I was still a horny gay man. I saw the tiniest of nods from you. That was all I needed.
With that first kiss, my head began to gloat. You slid your tongue in my mouth and it was all systems go. I fantasized of feeling you pliant beneath me, schooling you on what you had surely been missing in the bed you shared with Noah. I haven’t been jealous of him in a long time, but when we first began, that feeling had a strong presence. It drove me to prove who the better man was for you. Unbuttoning your shirt in my living room felt like I was finally getting my opportunity.
You pulled away and my heart didn’t waste any time saying ‘I told you so.’ I tried to convince you we weren’t doing anything wrong. It was only sex. How was I supposed to know that you had never used ‘only’ and ‘sex’ in a sentence together?
I didn’t want you to leave before you admitted something was brewing between us. That was for your benefit. Call it cocky, but I already knew. The body doesn’t lie. The heart, however, can be easily fooled. I had to get you thinking about me, about us, as a viable alternative to the abusive merry-go-round you were stuck on.
When you walked out my door, I started to understand what you had been trying to say. My head began to piece together all your half sentences. It hit me that if Noah could make it through, we stood a chance. I put on my shoes and headed for the hospital, no longer caring that I was exhausted or that Bob would probably give me a lecture for returning so soon. I had a job to do.
You were in every thought I had that day. My head went to work, spurred on by hopes of instant gratification when Mr. Mayer opened his eyes and was as fully functional as he was before. My heart was ahead of the game. It instinctively knew I had months of indecision ahead, but that if I had a little patience, I would get everything I never knew I wanted. You taught me that patience is a good quality to have. I’m asking you to have some of your own.
“Wow.” Luke breathed. This had to have been recent. Reid didn’t have to spell it out for Luke to know he was talking about the whole marriage issue. He could admit that he may have come across as pushy. And yes, there was a part of Luke that did expect them to march down the aisle as soon as it was signed into law that they could. They had been together for longer than almost every couple in town. That meant something.
He didn’t want to get upset about this now. Reid loved him. He wouldn’t have done this for Luke if he didn’t. Luke took a deep breath and continued reading.
May 20th 2010
I didn’t go looking for Reid. When I left the hospital, I wanted to drive. At least in my car, my thoughts were my own and I didn’t have to share them. Not until I figured a few things out.
Noah had me so confused. Since he woke up from surgery, every conversation sounded like him pleading his case, like he wanted me to understand why he pushed me away. Noah had given me every indication that he wanted to try again, give our relationship another shot. Now that he has his sight back, he’d say, everything can go back to normal.
So, why did Noah change his tune after the headache? I was finally beginning to believe that maybe he was right. Our history meant something and I knew Noah loved me in his way. Did he think he was being noble by releasing me, like I’d feel better now that he’d given me his blessing to move on?
What happened this time for him to keep me at arm’s length? Maybe I resisted too long. Maybe Reid said something to him. Maybe he doesn’t like my cologne. I was coming to the realization that I didn’t know what Noah thought anymore.
After Noah kicked me out of his hospital room, I didn’t know where to go. The farm had too many people. The park had the pond and the all-consuming fear I felt there just an hour ago, so I kept driving. That’s when I saw Reid’s car. Without thinking, I pulled into the spot right next to his.
Reid sat on a stool looking as alone as the sole inhabitant of a deserted island. He was searching for solace in the bottom of a bottle. I could relate to that. Even though I tried to fight it and to any outsider we seemed to be on opposite ends of the spectrum, I related to Reid.
He wasn’t happy to see me. Reid rarely was these days. I could see the look of dread on his face whenever he saw me approaching. I missed the days when Reid’s eyes would light up because he knew we were about to clash. Not even our arguments were fun anymore. I knew it all came down to my indecision, but I was as sad for myself as I was for him.
After awkward talk of what exactly it was I was doing there and hints of my alcohol issues, Reid finally cut to the chase. He did that so well. He wasn’t interested in softening blows. If pain was coming, Reid stood tall and dared the world to bring it on. So, he asked as he braced for the answer, didn’t I want to stay with Noah?
My response wasn’t really an answer at all. Did I want to stay with Noah? Was I capable of letting go? Why did I feel like a monkey in a tree, waiting for the situation with Reid to be more secure before I took the leap? I didn’t know, so I told Reid what drove me away from the hospital. Noah didn’t want me to stay.
Was Reid as disappointed by that as I was? He should be. I still let Noah dictate our relationship, just as Reid had pointed out a month ago and nothing had changed. I told Reid that Noah was confused about his feelings for me. I gave the appearance that I was okay to twist in the wind until he figured it out.
Reid never failed to surprise me. Instead of the expected ridicule, more talk of how I should be sick of such treatment, he just spit it out. “I’m not.” So short, so simple and so true. Reid didn’t falter when his eyes met mine. They were clear blue and certain, and then, they were gone.
With no more warning than the time it took to throw some bills on the bar and a muttered “I can’t do this”, Reid left me with my mouth hanging open. He also left me with one prevailing thought. Reid said he couldn’t do this, but he could. In fact, he had. Was he really saying that he wouldn’t do this, not any longer?
Panic began to tingle in my spine and my surroundings became loud and vibrant. A slow, mournful song droned on the jukebox, drowning out the clink of ice on glass. The smell of whiskey was so thick in the air I could taste it. Landmines of temptation were all around. I realized I was in the wrong place for my state of mind. Being near Reid had masked that, but now he was gone and I needed, for my sake, to follow.
So there I sat, steering wheel gripped tightly in my left hand as I gnawed at the fingernails on my right, searching for the courage to find Reid. It wasn’t fair and it probably wasn’t smart, but things were so much simpler when he was around. I have never denied being selfish in that way and I didn’t even let it bother me as I turned my key in the ignition and headed to Reid’s apartment.
Luke flipped the page only to find the next day’s entry. He licked his finger and rubbed hard at the corner of the paper. That was all he had written. He nodded, remembering how Ethan had burst into his room in tears over a nightmare at that moment. It was very hard to write with a five year old curled on your chest.
Even though he didn’t have a chance to write it down, Luke knew what happened next. He settled back against his pillows and closed his eyes. Luke could picture it all very clearly.
“What are you doing here, Mr. Snyder?”
Luke bounced anxiously on his toes with his hands jammed in his pockets. “What did you mean?”
“Did you drink a gallon of Red Bull?” Reid pulled a face, his eyebrow arched high as he took a swig of his beer. “Why are you shaking?”
With a little more force, Luke repeated his question. “What did you mean?”
“I am still speaking English, correct?” Reid’s chin jutted forward, his speech extremely slow. “What. Are you. Doing here?”
“You can’t do ‘this’.” Luke pushed past Reid and turned in a small, uncertain circle. “This is what, exactly?”
“This is an invasion of my privacy. What the hell is with you? First, you run me out of Yo’s and now, you’ve invited yourself into my home.”
“I didn’t run you out of the bar. You said you can’t do ‘this’ and you bolted.” Luke sounded indignant, even to himself.
Reid shrugged, his beer sloshing in its green bottle. “Luke, I-“
“I like spending time with you.” Luke’s eyes went wide. He was surprised at his own honesty. “I don’t think so much when we’re together. It’s just you and me getting to know more about each other. That’s what I think ‘this’ is. Do you really not want to do that anymore?”
“Luke, I-“
“Because I do.”
“Are you going to let me speak?”
A blush rose to Luke’s cheeks. “Sorry.”
Reid curled his lips inward and took a deep breath. “I suppose it wouldn’t kill me…” He paused, enjoying Luke’s pleading eyes as he waited. “The next time our paths cross when we’re out, I’ll buy you a club soda.”
The air from Luke’s lung rushed out in a relieved chuckle. “Sounds good.”
“Great, but as you can see, I’m in.” Reid gestured toward the door. “You were just leaving.”
“Right. Yeah.” Luke nodded, his steps stuttering as he neared Reid. Should Luke hug him, fist bump, shove him against the wall for a make-out session? He opted for the embarrassingly awkward smile. “See you around.”
“I should have kissed him.” Luke often felt that way when he looked back at his beginning with Reid. If they had spent more time kissing, they would have saved themselves months of heartache. Luke unfolded Reid’s note, wondering if he felt the same way.
What? Nothing about your pit stop by my apartment? Let me guess. There was a manicure emergency in the Walsh-Snyder household this evening. Something that required the attention of the whole family. It’s not like you to leave a phrase or stolen glance unanalyzed, so it had to be something big.
That’s okay. I could never forget it. I went to Yo’s that afternoon with the intention of using alcohol to kill every brain cell that held a memory of you. It’s not like I hadn’t seen that dedication before, your undying devotion to Mr. Mayer. Maybe it was just the mood I was in, but I had lost all hope and patience with your latest display. The only thing I wanted to do was erase you.
I don’t have to tell you how well that really works. Alcohol is never the answer, not for my problems. Instead of drinking you off my mind, I conjured you out of thin air. I may not have been happy to see you, but I was far from shocked. It was the last thing I thought I needed. Of course, you would show up.
So, yes, I ran. Are you happy now? Sweet, innocent, cute as a box of kittens Luke Snyder sent me running for the hills. I went home, grabbed a beer from the fridge and felt like I had done the right thing putting some space between us. You had other ideas.
I find your persistence endearing, but that hasn’t always been the case. Our situation may have had a very different outcome if I had my way. You wouldn’t let me have ten minutes of peace to try and think of something other than you, so my way never really got a fair shot. Seeing how things have turned out for us, I show more gratitude for your tenacity now.
Here’s one thing you need to know. Even if you hadn’t shown up, even if you hadn’t told me what you wanted, my feelings wouldn’t have changed. I loved you then as I love you today, with as much of myself as I can give. Is it everything you deserve? No. That gives me something to strive for. My love isn’t perfect, but it has never wavered. I will be there for you as long as you continue to want me. Probably even longer than that.
Luke’s body jerked, startled by the jiggling of the handle. “Luke, why is the door locked? Are you okay?”
“I’m fine, Mom.” Luke clutched the journal to his chest, protecting it like Lily had x-ray vision to see through the wall.
“I was going to make tea. Would you like some?”
Wanting to get back to his reading, Luke was a tad shorter with his mother than he had intended. “Maybe later.”
“Luke, I feel strange having this conversation. Will you please open the door?”
Granted, Lily probably was uncomfortable, but Luke resented the fact that he couldn’t have a few moments to himself. He felt exactly like he did when he smuggled his first copy of Inches up to his room and sat in this very spot, admiring just how many inches one magazine could fit on its pages. His reading material was much more personal these days. “I’ll be down later.”
June 3rd, 2010
What was I thinking? Maybe I wasn’t. Reid does that to me. I hadn’t set out to invite him to my house. That’s not why I went to the hospital, but seeing him again, realizing how much I missed him, scrambled my brain. I saw him hunched over the small table in the doctors’ lounge, shoveling that brown goop into his mouth and I couldn’t bear it. If anyone deserved a home cooked meal and someone to share it with, it was Reid.
He declined, and I learned you can feel relieved and disappointed at the same time. I knew it was a stupid idea as soon as the words left my mouth, but it still stung that he said no. I had been hoping that he felt my absence as much as I felt the weight of his, but since he was so quick to decline, I guess not. It would have been for the best, Reid not showing up today. Knowing that and being as mad and frustrated as I am right now, there is still a part of me that was happy to see him. I’m aware of how messed up that sounds.
It would be easy to say that Reid put me in this mood, but that’s not fair. Since I couldn’t stop replaying this afternoon in my head, I decided to take a second look at the events and I figured out whom I was really mad at. I surprised myself with an honest answer. Noah.
He meant it when he said he didn’t need me, but apparently, Noah feels differently about my family. Mom had a little chat with me after everyone left. She was heartbroken over his sad face and how he struggled to say goodbye. It hit me then that Noah didn’t mind playing the victim, he just never wanted me to be the one to save him.
I can’t believe he got so pissed off that I had invited Reid and not him. Three days ago, he acted like he couldn’t stand being in the same room with me. I thought that included social events. I guess Noah expected me to read deeper between the lines. In his mind, it was clearly my fault when that didn’t happen. When he stormed out of my room, I bet he thought he knew what I was going to do. My first instinct was to chase him. The fact that Reid knew that about me was the only reason I didn’t go.
Why does Reid have to push me? Yes, it was an awkward beginning, but if I could brush it off, he could at least make an attempt. True to his nature, he started in with “Noah’s family” and “where you’ve, no doubt, made love countless times.” Don’t think that sentence hasn’t played in my mind a thousand times tonight. God, Reid’s just so damn infuriating.
The good doctor, for being a genius, is never wise enough to take the out. He starts in on his defensive crap and I call him on it. Any normal human being would take the opportunity to drop the act and open up. Reid? Hell, no. Instead of telling me what he’s feeling, he pokes my wounds with a stick and has the audacity to ask me if they’re tender.
I’m beginning to think that Reid hasn’t given a moment’s thought to what I’ve been going through. Is it really so hard to understand that a three year relationship takes more than a day to get over? Reid acts so certain that it should be. What he doesn’t get is that I need to be over Noah for us to even have a shot. I don’t know how to make him see that without telling him outright. Given the views he shared this afternoon on love and relationships, I think we might have different ideas about the direction we are heading. I’m in no rush to make a fool of myself.
Question is, do I believe him? Should I listen to him when he chuckles about mixed Cds or remember how I actually felt the temperature change when Reid turned cold and shut me out? Do I take Reid’s mockery at face value or do I pay attention to the look on his face when he left my room? I’ve seen that look of hurt in his eyes before. I’m ashamed that I didn’t go after him, but I hadn’t thought about what he might be going through until now. Why is it that I learn more about Reid through our misunderstandings than I know about most people just by asking?
Oddly enough, reading this made Luke angry all over again. Early on, Reid had been so guarded. Any time Luke would try to move past that, see beyond the walls, Reid would turn antagonistic. It had bothered Luke then, and apparently, it still did. Luke couldn’t wait to see his reasoning.
When you considered what that afternoon was like for me, what did you see? Was that mile you walked in my shoes a leisurely stroll or did you fall into all the perilous traps that blocked my path? Let’s compare notes.
I don’t know what I expected when I showed up at your house. I rightly assumed there would be tension, but I thought it would come from jabs traded with your mother over my lack of table manners or advanced age. Oh, if only I could have been so lucky.
Instead, I found Noah. He towered over me with his pissy attitude and sense of entitlement, but the real kick to the gut was that you asked him to stay. You wanted him there. When he stormed out, I could tell you were thinking about following him. After wisely staying put, you asked me to understand.
I understood more than I wanted to that day. Seeing you together, that look of longing in your eyes. What was it that you wanted so badly? To be with Noah or to be okay without him? It’s too unsettling for me to wager a guess.
All’s well that ends well, they say. Our love was fated, written in the stars. (Look at how you’ve changed me. Reid Oliver circa 2010 would have laughed that notion out of town.) Anyway, I won your heart and gave Noah the proverbial finger. So why does this brief moment in our history threaten the balance of my delicate digestive system even now? Because Noah wasn’t the only one who was blind.
Butterflies were once caterpillars. Everyone knows this, but unless you watched the Chrysalis, you don’t look at the butterfly as ever being anything else, once having a different shape entirely. While the Luke and Noah that I had been witness to had no resemblance to a butterfly, I hadn’t spent much time pondering what you looked like before.
Walking in on you two, at the scene of the crime, busted my rose-colored glasses with one swift punch. Try as I might, standing there struggling to breathe, it was undeniable that you were once the type of couple to pose for smiling pictures, arms affectionately draped over each other’s shoulders. He had kissed your lips, touched you everywhere in that very space. Noah was the first for you in so many ways. That’s a tough act to follow. The memories of you two swirling around me were so thick, I was choking on them.
I had no other choice. I had to get as far away as possible and I couldn’t go of my own free will. How could I let you think that I was bothered? Feeling the greatest distance between us since I had kissed you in Dallas, that was much more than I was willing to reveal. You needed to kick me out. I knew all the important buttons to push.
When I left your room, it was because things went exactly as I had orchestrated. With the exception of how you brought me to Oakdale, you have never tricked or forced me into anything. I don’t say this to knock you down or steal your thunder if you believe you have. The same could be said of me. You are much too smart to let me use my powers of sexual persuasion to push you into seeing things my way.
It’s important that you understand that I have never done anything that I didn’t want to do. As persuasive as you can be, Mr. Snyder, you are incapable of strong-arming me. That pertains to our current situation, as well.