Just this time cause stuff needs to come off my chest
So, lately I been working and all that shit and its all cool. But for some reason I keep fucking things up and it get me into trouble which makes me look like a SHIT BAG! I really don't like this! Everytime this happens I just get angry because these things should not be happening with the experience that I have. I want to have a good image around my work area I want people to feel like they can trust me whenever something is assigned to me without having to worry shit is he going to fuck it up. When I was working here before my school this shit never happened I never fucked up this bad to where their'll like "what the fuck chung?" I need to know why does it happen now of all time where I'm offically part a green side corpsman. They ask me what's wrong and everything and personally I don't know if I did I say something but I don't and that really bugs the shit out of me. Whatever it is this shit has to stop because I know I worked hard to make a good image of myself and now its like I on a self-destructive path that could eventually ruin my hopes and dreams of being a medical provider. I'm basically destroying my own future.Why?
The other thing that bothers me is that after 21 yrs of living I have yet to have a stable relationship or a relationship at all for that matter. Why can I not have one? It like God has condemned me to be alone all my life. I know other people have this problem but fuck man who goes 21 yrs of living without having a relationship? Who? It makes absolutly no sense to me as to why I cannot not have one. Am I missing something that I have not pick up on yet or what? I would really like to know cause if this is a test in life its a sure damn hard test to go through your life not ever having that feeling that someone outside your birth family cares about you. And I'm not talking about friends, friends wise I could never be happier I have the greatest friends in the world. I look at my friends and I see them so happy and everything with their girl or boy I wish I could be that happy. The hole that I once felt inside of me as returned, its like a void that cannot be filled with anything and its only gotten bigger and deeper. Now I don't know if thats me or because I just don't have anyone in my life. I don't know but shit man life sucks ass when you can't ever experience something that I consider so wonderful and beautiful. Granted I am a shy guy alright and I'm timid in that I try to avoid confrontations with people because its not me and I not like that. If someone can answer me this please let me know.
The last thing is I come to realize my own morality. What I realized is that coming this September and everything with deployment to Iraq and having to fight or whatever it is they are doing I just may die! I've realized that for a man with little regret in his life he will die not knowing what it ever felt like to be "loved" or "liked" by someone else as I like to say. I will admit to the world I am a person with little needs and little concerns about anything I can live the simple life better than anyone. But the possibility of me dieing and never having to experence all the joys and love that I should have its saddening because then I have died without experience one of the true wonders in life and that is to me a life wasted. It also scares me that I will leave my family and friends behind as well this is not what I wanted to leave them at such an early age I came in to be a medical provider not a fighting medical provider who sometime may have to kill someone. Well thats it for now because one this last topic is wierd and I can't explain it and two its too long. bye
The other thing that bothers me is that after 21 yrs of living I have yet to have a stable relationship or a relationship at all for that matter. Why can I not have one? It like God has condemned me to be alone all my life. I know other people have this problem but fuck man who goes 21 yrs of living without having a relationship? Who? It makes absolutly no sense to me as to why I cannot not have one. Am I missing something that I have not pick up on yet or what? I would really like to know cause if this is a test in life its a sure damn hard test to go through your life not ever having that feeling that someone outside your birth family cares about you. And I'm not talking about friends, friends wise I could never be happier I have the greatest friends in the world. I look at my friends and I see them so happy and everything with their girl or boy I wish I could be that happy. The hole that I once felt inside of me as returned, its like a void that cannot be filled with anything and its only gotten bigger and deeper. Now I don't know if thats me or because I just don't have anyone in my life. I don't know but shit man life sucks ass when you can't ever experience something that I consider so wonderful and beautiful. Granted I am a shy guy alright and I'm timid in that I try to avoid confrontations with people because its not me and I not like that. If someone can answer me this please let me know.
The last thing is I come to realize my own morality. What I realized is that coming this September and everything with deployment to Iraq and having to fight or whatever it is they are doing I just may die! I've realized that for a man with little regret in his life he will die not knowing what it ever felt like to be "loved" or "liked" by someone else as I like to say. I will admit to the world I am a person with little needs and little concerns about anything I can live the simple life better than anyone. But the possibility of me dieing and never having to experence all the joys and love that I should have its saddening because then I have died without experience one of the true wonders in life and that is to me a life wasted. It also scares me that I will leave my family and friends behind as well this is not what I wanted to leave them at such an early age I came in to be a medical provider not a fighting medical provider who sometime may have to kill someone. Well thats it for now because one this last topic is wierd and I can't explain it and two its too long. bye