Mojo Amore (RP with Lauren)

[magicanyway]

Follows THIS Andy stayed close to Lauren at first while she held down Barry long enough for Lizzie to pack. After a while it was clear she had the situation very much under control. He looked at Lauren and she nodded towards the bedroom for Andy to help Lizzie pack her things. He helped her as quickly as he could, wrapping breakable things in

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[magicanyway]

Andy wanted her to feel more than wanted. He wanted her to feel loved. He wanted her to feel safe. He wanted her to feel like she could just let go of everything and just relax because she was with her husband. He knew she couldn't though. Not with the way things had been going. He was determined to change that.

He stroked her arms and listened. When she was done he sat on his knees and spoke in a steady solemn voice. His tone was matter of fact and yet quite meaningful. His eyes took on a cloudy hue and never left hers. "What you said hurt. You said you thought you could make me into husband material but I'm just not. My deepest fear is that those words are true. Maybe they are but maybe they don't have to be. I'm glad you said it. Everything. I hate that I let everything explode before I could fix it. That was never my intent and I will never let it happen again. I am so sorry I couldn't hold it together. I wasn't what you needed, I wasn't anyone needed and all I want to be is what you need. I love you so much that I make myself feel too hard on your behalf and that's killing me. I need to regain a hold on myself so I am stronger for you and for myself. You have no use for a husband that is weak. You have no use for a husband you can love but can't rely on. I think that love needs to have these dimensions. It can't just be love because that's amazing but it's thin. It needs to have trust, understanding and I think it needs honor. I have not been a husband worthy of honor and I have not been honoring you, my wife, as I should have."

He had other things to say but took a breath so she could respond.

[possessingbadge]

She was expecting an argument but he just agreed with everything. It almost made her feel guilty that she was too hard on him but there inlaid the problem. She was an enabler. He would screw up, she would tell him, he would beat himself up, she would comfort him, and he would go back to the behavior that pissed her off in the first place. She wasn't blameless.

"No matter what, there is no one else I would rather have as a husband. You have to believe that. You're it for me. If we can't make this work I don't want anyone else."

[magicanyway]

Andy didn't want argue anymore. He hadn't wanted to argue to begin with.

"Then why did you tell me I should pretend you died?" Andy looked at her, this fight might have been the hardest they'd ever had. He felt like he needed shape up and she needed to reconstruct her thinking. "I do believe that though. You have to believe in me too. You're the only person I want. You're the only person I love. My feeling about you consume me somethings. You gotta understand that when you hurt I hurt too. When you get hurt it hurts me too. I shouldn't have had a breakdown when you were in the hospital. I should have kicked the fear that you wouldn't be okay out of my brain sooner than I was able too. I just wish you knew me well enough to understand that I get emotional sometimes. My emotions are important to me but they do get me in trouble but that's just who I am. I wish you just understood that that's just how I am and I worry. Never though, never I am rejecting you or attacking you. Never. Sometimes I need a pause just to think. Back then I wasn't eating you out instead of fucking you because I didn't want to fuck you, I was scared you'd not react well and I didn't want that. I wish you would just tell me things, explain things instead of just running. You were going to leave me after simply yelling at me instead of saying, Andy you hurt my feelings and this is why and can you explain why you did what you did. If you had said I need you to fuck me to see where we are instead of tasting me then I would have but I missed your taste and I was dying for it. And then you cried and locked yourself in the bathroom. I just wish you knew me enough to know that whatever I do, is never because of I'm rejecting you or because I don't love you, want you, or need you."

[possessingbadge]

She sat up and pulled the blanket up off the floor to wrap it around her. It was chilly now that things had calmed down. "You don't understand. I know you have feelings. I know they sort of take over and you just can't help yourself sometimes. It was something I had to come to terms with when you kept getting jealous. It was why I went forth with the wedding. I told myself then if I couldn't deal with the emotions I should leave but I never thought that it would mean you couldn't be there for me. I felt so alone in that place then when I woke up and saw you I could have cried. But then I really saw you. Pale, deathly skinny, stinking from not showering and completely in your own head. You waited on me hand and foot. You stayed with me every second but you were letting yourself waste away to nothing and I was alone again."

Her knees came up to her chest and she curled up. "Everything has been so different. The things that were done to me. The things that I did. It was killing you which was worse than what it was doing to me." She glanced away as her eyes got glassy. "He broke me and I know you felt it. It didn't matter what I did, you wouldn't touch me. You were afraid to. I used to be yours completely and you knew it. Almost before I even told you I was yours you knew. I loved that. You could be shy about a lot of things but not about me. With me, you had confidence. That was gone when he made me one of his and I couldn't take it. I would rather be dead than you think of Bobby when you think of me. I would rather you hold on to me on our honeymoon and our wedding. They were the best 8 months of my life and I didn't want them ruined." She said and wiped her eyes quickly.

[magicanyway]

He reached for her hand and held her fingers between his. "I have never felt so guilty or so bad or so worried about anything as I did when you were gone. It took me too long to get over it. To be fair, I was there for you. I wasn't there for myself but I was with you. I stayed with you. I got you what you needed. When I saw we didn't have enough saved to pay for your hospital bills I made sure it would be paid for. I was having a breakdown but I wasn't unconscious. I rearranged our flights and our hotels and our commitments back home. I called everyone to let them know you were okay. Still I shouldn't have had that breakdown. I can't take it back but I can promise you I'm doing everything I can to get better. I won't ever stop feeling for you but I can have control over that. I can grieve when it's time to grieve. I can take time to let things settle. I can do all that breaking down stuff responsibly if I have to. Being so head over heals for someone that it hurts me when they hurt is still a learning experience for me. This was our first big crisis. I think I could have been worse all things considered but our next crisis WILL be different."

He pulled her into his arms and kissed her deeply, his own tears mingling with hers. "You aren't one of his. You are mine. I did touch you didn't I? I've been more clingy than usual, I would get scared if we weren't holding hands or if my hand wasn't resting on your knee or around your shoulders. You begged me to have sex with you and I did but what did that result in? You got physically ill. It scared me. I don't think of Bobby, I think of you sick or in pain and I don't want to cause that. I was taking it slow but clearly not reading your signals. Your body is mine but it's yours too. I will get than confidence back, my darling. We will be in sync again and it will be sooner rather than later but until then don't think it means I don't love you with every fiber of my being, with every breath I'm capable of taking."

[possessingbadge]

"You can't help me if you can't help yourself Andy. You were just as bad off as I was and you did it to yourself. I needed you to be strong enough for the two of us. You had to be the one okay since I couldn't be. How could you expect me to believe that everything was going to be alright and this wasn't going to beat us when I could count the ribs on your back?" She questioned her voice cracking a few times.

She didn't pull her hand away and she kissed him back but it was always harder for her to be lovey when they were in a serious conversation. "You were scared. That was fear holding my hand or resting it on my knee. Just like it was fear that made you avoid my ass and decide not to fuck me. I did screw up before. I rushed things and I couldn't handle it but I have been trying so hard since then to make things right again. I stopped drinking. I came here. I talked to my mom and helped her out. I stood up to her jackass of a husband. I thought that you would see all that and stop treating me like I was made of glass but it didn't matter. I was still broken to you. Just like always something dramatic had to happen before you got it. And you can't even say I didn't try and talk to you about it before because I did. I straight out said I hated that you felt like you had to ask to touch me. I told you it made me feel guilty as hell. You told me that you would stop and that it wasn't my fault. That I had nothing to feel guilty about but it didn't stop you from doing it. Words are just words Andy and I'm getting really tired of talking in circles. If you're going to say something, do it, or else it means nothing."

[magicanyway]

He had already told her he messed up. He didn't see how he could apologize for his breakdown or for not being there for her any more than he already had so he let that part drop, though he hated that she was hurt.
"I know it was fear. My wife got raped and tortured and left for dead because her husband wasn't paying close enough attention. Damn fucking straight I'm gonna be a bit more clingy. Damn fucking straight I'm gonna be on edge for a while. I..." he shook his head, trying not to get angry. He felt like it was an unfair judgment on her part. He hadn't do anything so horrible.

"I did see all that, Lauren. I told you how proud I was of what you did for your mum and how you toned back the drinking for me. That time in the plane when you could touch me was amazing. You've made so much progress. I never felt like I had to ask you if I could touch you. I thought that would be the considerate, loving thing to do after what happened before. I read books about survivors and how husbands can help and I.."

He stopped everything he said, feeling like shit, worn out, just wanting everything to be okay. Clearly he couldn't redeem himself no matter what he said. "Let's stop talking in circles. I know I screwed up. You've made that clear. How do we get past this? What specifically needs to change? Let's work that together. And then goddamnit I'm gonna fuck you in the ass, because you're mine. You're my wife, and that's my ass and I want to take it back."

[possessingbadge]

She grew quiet for a few minutes then she shrugged. "I don't know. That's why I was going to go. I can't be treated like glass forever. I can't fight every time I want some normalcy out of you. I know this all seems so petty to you but it was like I couldn't be over it until everyone else was. Every sad or scared look. Every person that asks me how I am or if I'm okay. Every friend that gets choked up. I want to get away from all of it. I want to be allowed to forget. I just want it to be over and it's never going to be over. I can't do this anymore."

[magicanyway]

"Nor should you have to," Andy said, without skipping a beat. Lauren wasn't used to having so many people care about her or a husband devoted to her. She was used to fending for herself. She was used to surviving by herself with no one else. She wasn't used to things happening to her affecting so many others. Andy decided he could accept that. She might have gone over the limit of just accepting Andy's personality but he was ready to accept her instincts and personality and needs for that what they were. He loved her and therefore he loved him. All of this was becoming clear to him. He wasn't going to let her run just because she was ruled by instincts. She had instincts. He had emotions. Together they were good. Separately they caused problems but put them together and there was a good thing. He was more convinced than ever that he was meant to be with Lauren. That they were meant to be one. "Okay. Let's not do it anymore then."

Without another word he picked her up by her middle and carried her to the bed. He pushed her to her knees and began to tongue her asshole and stroke himself. He reached his finger up to her puckered opening and stroked it almost roughly.