Cleansing.
Andy's cleansing was exactly what he needed. None of the medicine men or Chief Two Moons were at all surprised. The Chief explained to him, in words wiser than Andy ever could know, that as long as the willingness to keep going was there being cleansed would always be part of it. Cleansing was personal and Andy was far from the only person to need two cleansing close together. The Chief told Andy that he knew Andy was a friend. Andy was respected the leaders of reservation, and Chief Two Moons explained that his needs were also respected. His needs were respected for what they were, his own. They were what they were and did not need to be compared with the needs of others for they were not comparable. The needs of no two people were similar enough to be comparable in such a way just as the souls of no two people were comparable in such a way. Andy would never forget this eye opening explanation nor would he ever take his needs for granted again.
The ceremony started just as it had with Lauren, building the shelter, praying, eating the mush, more prayer, and sleep. He was surprised how much of what he prayed about had to do with people he loved. He prayed for forgiveness with his dealings with Rachel. He yelled about how angry he was with her, how much he wanted to hate her, how much she had hurt him, how angry he was that she wasn't more hurt, that she wasn't as invested in him as he thought she was. He wanted her to miss him like he missed her, he wanted her to long for their friendship instead of just getting fed up with him. He prayed to understand her. He prayed for guidance in his feelings with her. Did he just ignore her and no longer let her into his life just as she acted with him or did he accept what little she offered him? He was angry he let his feelings for Rachel get away with him and lead to this hurt. He was angry with Pepper for not getting off her highhorse to be on his level. He was angry she had to live with secrets. He was angry he wasn't as close with her as Lauren was but prayed in thanks for the opportunity he was given to get to know her better, to eventually become closer to her. He gave thanks for having her in his life, for letting him depend on her when he needed her. He gave thanks for her loyalty to Lauren and always being a good friend to her. He also gave thanks for having Rachel in his life and prayed that things could be easier for her, that she could be finally be safe and find happiness.
He prayed about Nathan and what anger he had toward him and any other of Lauren's friends.
He prayed in anger again that he was still different. He prayed in thanks for a lot more. He prayed for compromises. He yelled in anger at things he felt guilty for, how he treated Lauren and Pepper in particular. He cried and prayed for his family and in thanks at the chance he was getting to be near them again with his true love at his side. He prayed for his father and Lauren's mother and Lauren's siblings. He prayed for the differences he and Lauren had that surely would come up in marriage. He prayed they'd find the guidance they needed. He prayed for their pets, for his lads, and for James. A lot of James. He prayed for Isabelle, his cousin. He prayed she'd find happiness in the world and not become self destructive which he feared. He prayed for his fears of failure, of letting Lauren down, of not being confident, of being bankrupt, of caring too much about money.
He was starving by the time the mush was offered both days. He drank lots of water too, just to feel the liquid flow through his body. He felt good and the medicine man commented that he could see the white man's spirit becoming stronger. He told Andy that after this cleansing he would be more self sufficient than he ever had before. Andy didn't know what that meant but he knew it would be apparent soon enough.
His dreams were all about Lauren both nights. He missed her, but he knew after the cleansing he could offer her more of him, all of him. He knew he'd be better, happier, more of the man she deserved. By the time he left he missed the Reservation already. He never had experience a place with so much freedom, with so much encouragement before. He was so happy when he left. He felt a hundred pounds light. Everything was gone. He wasn't holding anything in. He just felt clear. He loved Lauren. He'd do anything for her. She was giving up a lot for him, he'd give a lot for her too.
He felt no anger whatsoever, it was gone. What he did feel was passion, more passion for everything and everyone he loved. Passion with clarity was the most powerful thing man could experience. Love fell under that category. Andy felt lucky to know and experience that. So, he made plans. First, he'd go home and make love to his fiancee for hours until they passed out. Sometime later he'd call Isa and make her come see them. Then, he'd call Pepper and have a long conversation, making sure she knew how much he loved her. He wouldn't call Rachel, but he'd ask Pepper to send her his best. He would use the wizard way of traveling and spend a day with his mum just the two of them. Then he'd spend the evening with his night owl father. Later, he'd spend the night at James's house, after eating a really good dinner and getting their tattoos. Maybe he'd bring Adrian too, so they could get to know each other. Finally, he would resume his daily emails with Joey. He liked knowing the kid was alive and truthfully he was sure the kid enjoy talking to a guy now and then.
He could see what he wanted. He could appreciate his own needs. Andy Longbottom had his grove back and damn if he'd lose it anytime soon.
The ceremony started just as it had with Lauren, building the shelter, praying, eating the mush, more prayer, and sleep. He was surprised how much of what he prayed about had to do with people he loved. He prayed for forgiveness with his dealings with Rachel. He yelled about how angry he was with her, how much he wanted to hate her, how much she had hurt him, how angry he was that she wasn't more hurt, that she wasn't as invested in him as he thought she was. He wanted her to miss him like he missed her, he wanted her to long for their friendship instead of just getting fed up with him. He prayed to understand her. He prayed for guidance in his feelings with her. Did he just ignore her and no longer let her into his life just as she acted with him or did he accept what little she offered him? He was angry he let his feelings for Rachel get away with him and lead to this hurt. He was angry with Pepper for not getting off her highhorse to be on his level. He was angry she had to live with secrets. He was angry he wasn't as close with her as Lauren was but prayed in thanks for the opportunity he was given to get to know her better, to eventually become closer to her. He gave thanks for having her in his life, for letting him depend on her when he needed her. He gave thanks for her loyalty to Lauren and always being a good friend to her. He also gave thanks for having Rachel in his life and prayed that things could be easier for her, that she could be finally be safe and find happiness.
He prayed about Nathan and what anger he had toward him and any other of Lauren's friends.
He prayed in anger again that he was still different. He prayed in thanks for a lot more. He prayed for compromises. He yelled in anger at things he felt guilty for, how he treated Lauren and Pepper in particular. He cried and prayed for his family and in thanks at the chance he was getting to be near them again with his true love at his side. He prayed for his father and Lauren's mother and Lauren's siblings. He prayed for the differences he and Lauren had that surely would come up in marriage. He prayed they'd find the guidance they needed. He prayed for their pets, for his lads, and for James. A lot of James. He prayed for Isabelle, his cousin. He prayed she'd find happiness in the world and not become self destructive which he feared. He prayed for his fears of failure, of letting Lauren down, of not being confident, of being bankrupt, of caring too much about money.
He was starving by the time the mush was offered both days. He drank lots of water too, just to feel the liquid flow through his body. He felt good and the medicine man commented that he could see the white man's spirit becoming stronger. He told Andy that after this cleansing he would be more self sufficient than he ever had before. Andy didn't know what that meant but he knew it would be apparent soon enough.
His dreams were all about Lauren both nights. He missed her, but he knew after the cleansing he could offer her more of him, all of him. He knew he'd be better, happier, more of the man she deserved. By the time he left he missed the Reservation already. He never had experience a place with so much freedom, with so much encouragement before. He was so happy when he left. He felt a hundred pounds light. Everything was gone. He wasn't holding anything in. He just felt clear. He loved Lauren. He'd do anything for her. She was giving up a lot for him, he'd give a lot for her too.
He felt no anger whatsoever, it was gone. What he did feel was passion, more passion for everything and everyone he loved. Passion with clarity was the most powerful thing man could experience. Love fell under that category. Andy felt lucky to know and experience that. So, he made plans. First, he'd go home and make love to his fiancee for hours until they passed out. Sometime later he'd call Isa and make her come see them. Then, he'd call Pepper and have a long conversation, making sure she knew how much he loved her. He wouldn't call Rachel, but he'd ask Pepper to send her his best. He would use the wizard way of traveling and spend a day with his mum just the two of them. Then he'd spend the evening with his night owl father. Later, he'd spend the night at James's house, after eating a really good dinner and getting their tattoos. Maybe he'd bring Adrian too, so they could get to know each other. Finally, he would resume his daily emails with Joey. He liked knowing the kid was alive and truthfully he was sure the kid enjoy talking to a guy now and then.
He could see what he wanted. He could appreciate his own needs. Andy Longbottom had his grove back and damn if he'd lose it anytime soon.