i felt it was time for a new entry
So I'm done with high school. It's really weird realizing this, and knowing I'm no longer a member of the student body at the Baltimore School for the Arts. As such, I'll probably never do tech work again in theatre, unless I suddenly feel the need to, and that's a weird realization as well, after four years of doing it every afternoon.
I don't know how much I truly will miss it- the people, yeah, a few of them, and just the change from seeing the same people every day will be strange, especially because it is such a small school, but the school itself, I don't know. It's changed incredibly since I entered as a freshman, and I don't know if the changes are all for the best. BSA used to be very free, a truly artistic environment, but during my time, it started to degenerate to a more 'normal' school environment. It's not great.
But yeah, I will miss the experience, I suppose- I unfortunately have many regrets as to how I handled my time there, but I can't change anything at this point. I guess I'll miss it more because I'm going to a college I don't really want to go to. Yeah, I know, top 25 liberal arts college in the US, I know, it's an excellent school, but I don't particularly feel a connection. This sucks more so because I know that with my high school grades, I don't have much of a chance of getting into another school as a transfer student, at least if I apply freshman year. Sophomore year would probably be a better idea, I know, but two years is a bit much if I end up hating the school.
Either way, I'm not entirely pleased with anything at the moment, least of which would be myself, just for how monumentally I screwed up high school. I know that it's unlikely I'll ever talk to anyone from BSA again, aside from a few, unless I need to- I don't exactly excel at long-distance friendships, no matter how close we were. It hurts, too, in some cases, because I realize I messed up certain friendships, or didn't allow a couple things to grow beyond that.
That last one is what really hits me in terms of regrets I have about the last four years. Over that time, I really only liked one boy, and that wasn't really a steady infatuation, I guess. Definitely have yet to experience ~*~love~*~ or a real relationship (I have high expectations for what the former must be like, instilled in me by my many years of reading and watching film/tv- of course, this also has given me an extreme fear of falling for a complete asshole. I don't want to be a horror story). It really, truly sucks to know that I never got past my fear of rejection enough to get close to someone, or even just ask anyone how they felt about me (well, okay, had a "boyfriend", but that's really stretching it). I keep telling myself, even now, that I will- hey, we'd still have the whole summer if the feeling was mutual- but I know it's unlikely, and at this point I'm not sure if I'd really want to, what with inevitable drifting away from high school friends and all that. Maybe it's best to keep something like the "liking" of that one guy unrequited, just as a reminder to step it up next time, get past my insecurities and go for it. (But that's unlikely to happen, too- this is me we're talking about)
On a less depressing note, it's still just plain weird to realize I'm an adult now. 18, people. High school graduate. What the fuck. When did this happen to me? How? Who let this happen?
I don't understand, and it's even weirder because for something unrelated (finding myself suddenly out of the iheart communities I was a member of for years, what the hell) I had to drag up my old LJ's profile to see when I joined. Man, I've been here since 2003. And I really should use the profile blurb thing I wrote on that old journal for this, while totally avoiding creating a name like that ever again. I mean, I was an imaginative kid, but I wasn't really thinking clearly when I came up with THAT.
Hmm. Life's weird. I'm weird, too, I suppose. But that's okay. I wouldn't prefer it any other way.
I don't know how much I truly will miss it- the people, yeah, a few of them, and just the change from seeing the same people every day will be strange, especially because it is such a small school, but the school itself, I don't know. It's changed incredibly since I entered as a freshman, and I don't know if the changes are all for the best. BSA used to be very free, a truly artistic environment, but during my time, it started to degenerate to a more 'normal' school environment. It's not great.
But yeah, I will miss the experience, I suppose- I unfortunately have many regrets as to how I handled my time there, but I can't change anything at this point. I guess I'll miss it more because I'm going to a college I don't really want to go to. Yeah, I know, top 25 liberal arts college in the US, I know, it's an excellent school, but I don't particularly feel a connection. This sucks more so because I know that with my high school grades, I don't have much of a chance of getting into another school as a transfer student, at least if I apply freshman year. Sophomore year would probably be a better idea, I know, but two years is a bit much if I end up hating the school.
Either way, I'm not entirely pleased with anything at the moment, least of which would be myself, just for how monumentally I screwed up high school. I know that it's unlikely I'll ever talk to anyone from BSA again, aside from a few, unless I need to- I don't exactly excel at long-distance friendships, no matter how close we were. It hurts, too, in some cases, because I realize I messed up certain friendships, or didn't allow a couple things to grow beyond that.
That last one is what really hits me in terms of regrets I have about the last four years. Over that time, I really only liked one boy, and that wasn't really a steady infatuation, I guess. Definitely have yet to experience ~*~love~*~ or a real relationship (I have high expectations for what the former must be like, instilled in me by my many years of reading and watching film/tv- of course, this also has given me an extreme fear of falling for a complete asshole. I don't want to be a horror story). It really, truly sucks to know that I never got past my fear of rejection enough to get close to someone, or even just ask anyone how they felt about me (well, okay, had a "boyfriend", but that's really stretching it). I keep telling myself, even now, that I will- hey, we'd still have the whole summer if the feeling was mutual- but I know it's unlikely, and at this point I'm not sure if I'd really want to, what with inevitable drifting away from high school friends and all that. Maybe it's best to keep something like the "liking" of that one guy unrequited, just as a reminder to step it up next time, get past my insecurities and go for it. (But that's unlikely to happen, too- this is me we're talking about)
On a less depressing note, it's still just plain weird to realize I'm an adult now. 18, people. High school graduate. What the fuck. When did this happen to me? How? Who let this happen?
I don't understand, and it's even weirder because for something unrelated (finding myself suddenly out of the iheart communities I was a member of for years, what the hell) I had to drag up my old LJ's profile to see when I joined. Man, I've been here since 2003. And I really should use the profile blurb thing I wrote on that old journal for this, while totally avoiding creating a name like that ever again. I mean, I was an imaginative kid, but I wasn't really thinking clearly when I came up with THAT.
Hmm. Life's weird. I'm weird, too, I suppose. But that's okay. I wouldn't prefer it any other way.