(no subject)
i have been blaming you.
time and time again I heave a sigh after you leave me hanging on the end of the line, off to do something else important in your life.
but me
maybe it's me
i recently had a conversation with a young person that i've been supporting. She's so clearly in survival mode it reminds me of my teenage self. the self that didn't allow myself to go to therapy because I knew I did not have time to make a difference in my life and that I would have to continue to play the survival mode card and hold everything together. not only for myself but for everyone else.
for so long in my life it was a waiting game, wait until this play is done, the season is done, this year is done and i can let go
but for so long there was always another grade to perform, hurtle to jump
metaphorically, of course, this baby's not running anywhere.
but something she said to me hit me
and i think it hit her a little
she's interested in therapy, i think she knows she needs it but doesn't take the initiative to move through it.
moving through things is the hard part.
living in survival mode, there's always a way to put things back together again when they fall apart.
but me
maybe it's me that needs to continue to move through it
there was a time when I didnt' want to speak to you
when I didn't want to have anything to do with you
and i can't say that's not still true sometimes
but you feed that little voice in me that says i'm wonderful and someone needs me.
and in that I just can't let you go
plus i don't want it to be awkward when I need to check in about that 30 ooo dollars i'm on the line for
not to say I don't trust you with money
but i don't trust you not to put yourself first
i feel the constant need to explain myself because i'm sure you don't understand where i'm coming from
but i never feel like you really get it
and purhaps I'm just wasting my breath
because it doesn't matter.
i figured i had time to move through it
like with all the others who abandoned me
i would get over you just based on you not be being present in my life
that the aching hollow in my chest that rose when i heard your name or remembered something you lieked would slowly fade away only a whisper or a memory of pain
i figured if you were out of my life for 2 years I would let it go enough to not want to call you when im drunk and scream at you like all the others.
how terrible
but the constant reminder of you still being in my life means that i can't just blame you for everything you're doing and I do need to take some accountability to move pat my feelings
if i want to trust you
if i want to be friends with you
if i care aobut you
because this woman that i was talking about has no patience, a short fuse and regularly finds someone else to blame for her problems
from personal experience I was able to identify that that girl is white knuckling through life right now and in 2 years she is not going to remember a damn thing and it's going to hurt.
but for now it's day by day, meal by meal, hour by hour of sleep trying to make it to the next morning and the next night and the next time soething else happens.