(no subject)
in a very super duper fun way
not at all
i am feeling none
absolutely none of my feelings
it's incredibly difficult to exist
i feel like my eyes are on fire and my stomach is a rock and my life is completely out of control
in a way that i will have to completely re- organize my life after this
i feel completely suffocated
like all of the air is being sucked out of my lungs and i could die at any moment
i did not realise how much pain i was in until i went for a walk only to find that i literally could not breathe
my body was moving but the air was not going in and out of my lungs.
terribly, horribly painful
i am incapeable of being myself with my mom
i am a stone wall that she is trying very hard to break through
that she wants something from me
but i think that she doesn't even know me any more
i am so incapable of sharing any detail about my life
for fear that she will ridicule me about it later.
it's terribly terribly painful
something happened recently
i can see your face in my head
i'm not actually great at holding people's faces in my head
i hold a vague image of them, like a line art or a really blurry version like if i was wearing my mom's glasses
not really seeing the person, just seeing what i think of them
i told you before that i saw you as different shapes and colours
but i was also seeing you as this whole other person
i don't know who it was, but it wasn't you
and i kept being so confused because i would think of you in my brain and i could see your hair or your cheeks, parts of you
but when i thought of your face i was seeing someone else
but something changed
i see you
i don't need to be writing these words
i actually think i shouldn't be writing these words
im just playing into being melodramatic
but i'm tired and sad
and im trying to convince myself i'm doing healing
i'm doing what i want
when i want
feeling myself
and resting
and taking care of myself
i realized i was doing things i was not proud of
becuase a friend really gently pointed out to me what i was ignoring
sure my mind was trying to tell me but i didn't think
i thought i was thinking about everything
thinking through
rationalizing
calculating
and it didn't work
i didn't let myself think about it
i didn't realise it
and i was being really selfish
but i can't get over how painful it is not to be with you
i stare at my phone all day waiting for a text from you
when you call i want to come
i want to be the person you want to be with
you're so open about what you want
but it's not fair to you
i'm not proud of that