(no subject)
ok, so there's a lot of things going on my life and if there's one thing i do know it's that i'm overwhelmed.
im trying very hard to live in the moment because looking head even to the next minute seems too much.
i have this kind of joke with my co worker
about how we're all just livingin a simiulation
and sometimes i can't tell if it's a joke or not
like.. if i was thinking about how
i'm watching inkheart
i never watched it before
because it's an important book from my childhood and i didn't want to ruin it with a movie
because i'd heard that the movie was terrible
but i do remember this one character
i'm a little annoyed at how many white people are in this movie
dustfinger
omg he's clearly so gay with this other character
but i didn't think of that when i was reading it as a child
anyway i remember that i hated dustfinger at first
but he was shown now just as a villain but as a multidimensional character
with trauma
and intellect
and he has a redemption arc
which makes him loveable
and he can go against his destiny
isn't it weird that while they read the characters the characters are still in the book
like they're out of the story
but they can be read out of the book again
does that mean that if they were read back into the book
or is it just one book and the character is in all the other books
or are there many of the same characters just running around like alternative universes
but the same universe
like how did the mom know what meggie looked like?
are they characters too?
so anyway
at supper the other night
sarah was telling me about her imaginary friend
which is what she's decided are the voices in her head
i think that makes it a little less scary for her
but it didn't for me
i actually think i might be more scared
the insecurity that i'm feeling right now is so intense
i feel like i cant focus on anythign
sarah has been hearing voices in her head
and it's incredibly creepy
and i worry that i fucked her up
or that she will have to leave
but honestly that might not be a bad thing
it will be a hard thing
but it will make me get out of the rut i'm in
but now her parents know
I feel like it's getting worse
but she's getting help now and so am i.
and i just had an intense feeling that i wasn't real
like maybe i was just something she made up in her head
and i didn't have any autonomy
and i couldn't do anything other than what she wanted
and maybe we're all little toys in sarah's playground
but not in a mean way, i wasn't mad
i just maybe it was disassociatation
but it felt like maybe i couldn't do something
and my little abunance mindset of whatever will be will be kicked in
but that kinda feels a little flimsy now too
so we just cleaned up after supper and watched tv for the rest of the evening.
i don't know why i feel jealous of your ability to write
it's not a competition
but maybe it's your ability to express what you mean
that you've put effort into a task and have it come out as you had envisioned it
we're writing in completely different ways
but i still feel like i want to compete with you
i've been feeling really disassociated
Like so tired it's hard to walk and talk
and all the things i need to do or thoughts i have are just floating right out of reach
like i know what i need to do but i just cant do it
my arms feel heavy
and maybe i'm just tired
but it makes me want to run
but instead i walk
so i can't sit still
so im distracted
so i don't feel so lonely
so i can't fix what i can't fix.