Hold On
It's been such a long time. Things are good. Things are odd. I'm a bit lost. A lot of inner turmoil I'm not going to lie, but I'm learning to be okay with that, I just hope I'm not learning to settle for less than what I'm capable of, if that makes any sense. I'm at a crossroads, a many crossroads. Very confused. If I knew what I wanted at least it would be easier. I don't know what I want. If I'm honest I don't know what I want. I'm not even sure what I need. What I need according to what? To who? I try to listen to my inner voice. I can't tell if it's silent or screaming out. Some how the two things feel painfully similar. I'm almost sure it's silent though, because for once in my life I don't feel compelled to do anything imparticular out of love or mad passion, only out of fear of not doing something. Or maybe my spirit is crying out, but it's just so against the grain of what's "normal", comfortable, familiar, or seemingly "possible" to me that I do nothing instead, nothing other than the "normal", comfortable, familiar, or seemingly "possible" to me. I feel very bad about myself, often. My life is amazing, the only thing keeping me from knowing that and appreciating that to the fullest is my constant selfloathing which began long before recent years. It might be the way I've lived out most of my life, but I don't want it to be the way I live out the rest of it. See there, I know what I want. I want to be okay with me. I want to love me so no one else has to, but when they do I can appreciate it, I can appreciate my family, my friends, kind strangers. You can't fully appreciate any of them when you are so busy hating yourself.
Lately has been particularly difficult. I graduated in August (YAY AWESOME!) It's good I know. I have nothing to hide behind anymore, conciously or subconciously. I'm just out there naked in the world with no one staring at me, feeling like everyone can see me. I wonder what those who can see me are thinking really. Really really? Why haven't you found a job yet? Why are you still working your minimum wage job? What are you doing? What are you doing? What are you doing? Why? That's what I ask myself. I try to drown it out by playing louder, by fucking louder, but the days just go by faster and the question get bigger. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! why? The latter should be the big question. Not what but why. Know your why. I'll try that.
I'm also way too hard on myself. I feel like I haven't accomplished anything. I act like I've never done anything worth mentioning, I've done many things worth mentioning. Who are these people who make me feel otherwise? Who's this person living in my skin who hates me so much? To make myself feel a little better. Lets look at the list of goals I set for myself for 2012 from a previous post.
Goals for the Year!
1. Graduate!!! <3 yay!!!
2. Make all A's in my classes <3
3. Find a Job I can work at by the time I graduate! <3
4. Have a successful V Season!
5. YP4 Blue Print
6. Stop. Listen
7. Women's History Month Conference / Bring SWOP down here -- need money!
8. Make FMLA / VDAY binders to pass on to future organizers <3
So I did infact gradute! I didn't think I was going to make it there for a while but I did! While organizing and completing an internship my last semester! Also my grades in my last semesters were perfect!
I did make all A's in my classes! Yay me again!
3. Well I do have a job, it's not a job with a Salary but it was enough for me to actually move out on my own and to support myself. I did struggle but I had a job.
4. We did have a successful V Season! Very successful! :)
5. I did not complete my YP4 blue print. That's okay neither did a lot of really awesome and successful people I know! <3 Looking back my idea was too vague, I wasn't satisfied with what I, at the time, precieved as small ideas. Smaller ideas that are achievable can have large impacts while big ideas that are out of reach, obviously have no impact. Lesson learned.
Stop.Listen. This project was terminated by the creator. I was still very interested but outside forces reined in this one.
I did bring Jessie Nicole to UTEP and the WHM! YAY ME AGAN!
Passed on Knowledge to FMLA members. <3
That's 6 out of 8. Not bad! Not bad at all! Not to mention there was a lot going on in between.
I haven't had any goals in a while. Recently when I set them I drop the idea. I'm not sure why. I feel like I may be ready to set some goals even if I don't know what I want, I can have some fun along the way.
Confidence witch, please help me on this journey
Lately has been particularly difficult. I graduated in August (YAY AWESOME!) It's good I know. I have nothing to hide behind anymore, conciously or subconciously. I'm just out there naked in the world with no one staring at me, feeling like everyone can see me. I wonder what those who can see me are thinking really. Really really? Why haven't you found a job yet? Why are you still working your minimum wage job? What are you doing? What are you doing? What are you doing? Why? That's what I ask myself. I try to drown it out by playing louder, by fucking louder, but the days just go by faster and the question get bigger. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! why? The latter should be the big question. Not what but why. Know your why. I'll try that.
I'm also way too hard on myself. I feel like I haven't accomplished anything. I act like I've never done anything worth mentioning, I've done many things worth mentioning. Who are these people who make me feel otherwise? Who's this person living in my skin who hates me so much? To make myself feel a little better. Lets look at the list of goals I set for myself for 2012 from a previous post.
Goals for the Year!
1. Graduate!!! <3 yay!!!
2. Make all A's in my classes <3
3. Find a Job I can work at by the time I graduate! <3
4. Have a successful V Season!
5. YP4 Blue Print
6. Stop. Listen
7. Women's History Month Conference / Bring SWOP down here -- need money!
8. Make FMLA / VDAY binders to pass on to future organizers <3
So I did infact gradute! I didn't think I was going to make it there for a while but I did! While organizing and completing an internship my last semester! Also my grades in my last semesters were perfect!
I did make all A's in my classes! Yay me again!
3. Well I do have a job, it's not a job with a Salary but it was enough for me to actually move out on my own and to support myself. I did struggle but I had a job.
4. We did have a successful V Season! Very successful! :)
5. I did not complete my YP4 blue print. That's okay neither did a lot of really awesome and successful people I know! <3 Looking back my idea was too vague, I wasn't satisfied with what I, at the time, precieved as small ideas. Smaller ideas that are achievable can have large impacts while big ideas that are out of reach, obviously have no impact. Lesson learned.
Stop.Listen. This project was terminated by the creator. I was still very interested but outside forces reined in this one.
I did bring Jessie Nicole to UTEP and the WHM! YAY ME AGAN!
Passed on Knowledge to FMLA members. <3
That's 6 out of 8. Not bad! Not bad at all! Not to mention there was a lot going on in between.
I haven't had any goals in a while. Recently when I set them I drop the idea. I'm not sure why. I feel like I may be ready to set some goals even if I don't know what I want, I can have some fun along the way.
Confidence witch, please help me on this journey