just sick of this...
Ever get to the point where you are just sick and tired of doing something that makes you miserable. Well I have realized I should have taken a little bit of time off before heading into grad school. I am so sick of school. Doing homework, writing papers....for what? A grade that means nothing in real life. I want things I work on to have meaning for something, which is what the research is all about, but I haven't gotten to that part yet. Dan "revealed" to me that I've been doing nothing but school since I was 5...depressing as hell. 17 years working to say that I am a marine biologist. My perspective on what is important in life has changed in the past few months. I want a life outside of school. I want a family. I want a house, a husband, a couple of kids, and a job I enjoy. I don't want to put this on hold until I'm thirty because I'm trying to finish up my PhD. I know I am going to marry Dan. But when depends on my schooling, when I have breaks. And I sure as hell don't want to have my first kid when I'm thirty. I want to be done, and for life to start. I feel like my life has just been stalled because of school, and 9 months ago, it didn't matter because I didn't have someone I was ready to share my life with. Now I do, and when we talk about the future, all I can think about is how much I want to be done with school. Of course this frightens me because the only thing I could always say before was that I loved school. I love learning. But I've grown to hate the busy work that goes along with it, just so that someone can grade me and tell me how well I am doing. If I'm gonna do busy work, I'd rather it go to a larger project of sorts
And thus leads to my other dilemma of life. I want to teach. Teaching at a university where students are there to learn, and generally are there for a purpose, requires a PhD. I could teach intro classes at a community college with a master's, but the students there are not passionate about what they are learning. I would be a stepping stone for them. I also wouldn't mind working in a lab, doing various projects, being someone's lackey. Collecting and processing data has never been a problem for me, but coming up with results....well lets just say I like the fun parts.
I don't know what the hell is going to happen. It's just the third week of my first year in grad school, and who knows how I'll feel next month. All I know is I am ready to scream and be done already.
PS....my car is in the shop. Adds to crappy mood.
And thus leads to my other dilemma of life. I want to teach. Teaching at a university where students are there to learn, and generally are there for a purpose, requires a PhD. I could teach intro classes at a community college with a master's, but the students there are not passionate about what they are learning. I would be a stepping stone for them. I also wouldn't mind working in a lab, doing various projects, being someone's lackey. Collecting and processing data has never been a problem for me, but coming up with results....well lets just say I like the fun parts.
I don't know what the hell is going to happen. It's just the third week of my first year in grad school, and who knows how I'll feel next month. All I know is I am ready to scream and be done already.
PS....my car is in the shop. Adds to crappy mood.