(no subject)
It is unbelievable how unsure i am about everything that is going on. Is it so uncommon to not know what you want? I mean is it so bad that I dont know what i want to do about the guys in my life or school or anything. I want to just so fuck them all, because why am I dealing with any of this if it only makes me feel worse. I have turned into a person i never wanted to be. I sneak around, lie, and act like every other girl in grayson county. I dont want to do that, but i dont want to let anyone go, so maybe the only fair thing is to let them all go. Its so stupid but sometimes you want the things that are bad for you, and then you realize the good. I feel like i am keeping andrew from experiencing anything except me. the guy from etown is just someone to see now and then, he is moving to lexington soon, nothing will come of that. Gabe has as many bad qualities as good ones, but i don't want to stop seeing him, i know that i would miss him if i did. so where does that leave me, alone in an apartment that i dont even have yet. i lied to gabe about the guy in etown, he knows and he is mad. i understand that but i felt trapt, i didnt exactly mean to lie, i was trying to dodge the truth and not have to tell him, he knew i saw him before but he asked about a particular night that i said i went straight home. he probably wont talk to me anymore, but maybe that is for the best. it makes me sad though, and it makes me sad to think of not having andrew in my life. am i being a selfish bitch or what. maybe someone else has the answer, i doubt it. I am keeping out of serious relationships but the drama that comes from everyone is the same as if i were in one, WHAT THE FUCK. i say everyone can kiss my fucking ass