cracked. (trip to ontario canceled)
for the past several months, i had planned an 8-day trip to visit southern ontario for the end of august. even with b no longer coming along, i had still thought i'd do it. it could be good, to be surrounded by friends and family, the exciting familiarity of the landscape, and the comfort of my rituals in toronto (clothes at the woodbine value village, lassi at motimahal, coffee at ideal, late night walk in parkdale, pho at phohung, comics at the beguiling, beer at sneaky dee's, streetcar rides across the city... repeat!).
but i've come to the conclusion that i just can't do it. this break up is exhausting me, or maybe it's the culmination of an exhaustion that's been building for months; either way, i have very little energy to spare. what little i have, i want to spend on myself. i want to fix the cracks in my life, not just patch the facade and try to have a good time. even with the best of intentions, my friends and family in toronto won't be able to help with this. i have an apartment that was barely moved into before half of its residents moved out again under sad and uncommunicative circumstances: as someone for whom home is central to feeling secure, this is not a healthy situation. it is depressing me more with every passing day, and would stop me from enjoying a vacation because i'd obsess about it the whole time.
so instead, i am going to stay here, be as sad or as happy or as emotional as conditions dictate, put my house in order, and do what i can to get to a better headspace.
have re-registered at uvic, so that i can take a course... and that means i get free therapy again: just in the nick of time.
dear toronto-friends, i extend my sincere apologies.
[photo: sunlight on arbutus bark, cracked and peeling like my heart... cheezy, i know, but i'm having a hard night, okay? gorge waterway, esquimalt, july 2008]