Today is a bad day
Last night was a very good night. I played D&D with my roommates, doing a one-shot while Grant is out of town. We drank three bottles of wine leftover from my dad's wedding a few months ago. We got pretty substantially into character and overall found everything very enjoyable. I ate a bunch of wingstop and a little pizza. I was very drunk and happy and tired.
Then when I got to bed I felt some pressure in my chest, sort of coming and going in waves. When it came, it was painful and it kept me up past 4:30. I was freaking out a bit, because it was unpleasant enough to actually scare me. I started looking things up online, and a few screens came up saying "seek immediate medical attention," which is when the anxiety really started to come on. It was 4am, I was drunk, I was alone, I was scared and in bed, and I really did not want to talk to a stranger on the phone. I debated stuff with myself in my head and rolled in bed and freaked out a bit and eventually pooped then fell asleep.
This morning I woke up and the pressure was still there (it's still there now, late the next night, coming and going) but less intense. Enough that I know I need to talk to someone, enough that I know I need to go somewhere and do something, enough to feel scared that I'm actually tangibly endangering my life by not going or doing anything. Enough that I didn't go outside all day, that I didn't go to work, that I didn't even work from home despite having my computer around and accessible. I didn't eat very much today. I ate my last mealsquare this morning, then around 8:30 I had soup and corn on the cob for dinner. That probably adds up to about 1/3 of my usual calorie intake and I didn't have any caffeine, so now I'm also concerned about what I'm feeling and how it relates to what I've eaten (especially because I ate SO poorly the night that the feeling started).
I have been talking to Anna over text all day. I really want her to be here with me, but she isn't. I can't do this on my own. I can't feel this, physically, and also talk to people about it or go places or take care of myself and what's happening is just that I'm not and a bunch of depression and anxiety and whatever the fuck is happening to me physically are molding together, and turning into an emergency with nonlinear interaction effects--I've been reading military reports on the ethics of autonomous weapons systems recently, and one including a discussion of the leadup to the three mile island incident. There was a lot of discussion of how various factors combined in unexpected ways to escalate the incident far beyond what was expected, even in the presence of people who did everything they could to deal with it.
There are a lot of factors going on for me right now. One factor is something is happening to me. Another is my depression. It's very easy for me to default to not doing anything. To staying in bed for hours and alternate between playing phone games and spacing out. Another is social anxiety; I really hate talking to people on the phone. I was going to say strangers, but it's not even that. I don't like talking to my parents on the phone. I don't like talking to friends on the phone. I barely even like talking to Anna on the phone, and that's the closest best way for me to interact with her that I have. But I especially hate talking to strangers. And calling something like an urgent care center or a nurse hotline necessarily involves talking to a stranger on a phone.
That's not all though. It also involves a chance that I will need to react to the conversation, immediately. It's possible that I will need to go to a hospital. I don't want to drive feeling the way I do, so that would mean either getting an ambulance (!!!) or an uber, which would be another set of talking to strangers on phones that I really can't deal with right now.
So with a ton of social anxiety being triggered my depression wins out, and I don't call anyone. And I feel guilty and anxious and my depression and anxiety just grow in a terrible downward spiral that ruins my day.
So... there is in fact a mechanism for dealing with this that I should have access to. I saw a doctor (once) near my work, to get my prescription renewed, and I got signed up for My Health Online with Sutter. On their website I should be able to access my medical records, schedule appointments, and chat with my doctor or someone else if she's not available.
Perfect, right? A way to interact with people and maybe figure out what I actually NEED to do without having to call strangers on the phone first. If it's not an emergency then I can calm down and stop feeling guilty, and if it is I'll get some adrenaline and social support to push me through the first difficult parts and momentum can take me from there.
But there's a problem--I didn't go on the website for several months after visiting the doctor, and so I didn't remember my login information. I tried resetting my password and verifying my identity but there were issues I couldn't identify and now guess what needs to happen? I need to call their number to get my account unfrozen.
If Anna were here I feel like I would have been able to do it. She could have helped me. But today is the day her dissertation was due. It's kind of a big deal. She's coming up tomorrow anyway. Because she is the literal best and I love her and I need her and she loves me and is the best and will help me and I will be okay.
I wish I had someone else that I could call on. I have work friends that I love but I'm not that close to most of them. And those I am close to, I'm not confident in how that closeness is. How much of it is me projecting the giant inappropriate crushes I have on everyone? And will they even be able to help me, to come over, to support me through phone calls, to drive me to a doctor's office? I have roommates but... I'm bad at opening up to them, and the closest one doesn't drive, and one is out of town... The friends that I feel comfortable with are far away from me.
I'm nervous about calling things out because I might post this to facebook and the relevant people might read it, but I'm writing this for the catharsis more than anything so I'm going to go a bit deeper.
I wish I could call on Julianne, that it wasn't a weekday today and that she wasn't miles away.
I wish I could call on Clara, that she wasn't insanely busy this week.
I wish I could call on Nicole, I wish that we could be friends again without the baggage that came up.
I wish I could call on my parents, I wish the shit that's going on wasn't sort of polluting my mind with respect to them.
I wish I could call on Tatiana, that it had been more than 5 weeks and wouldn't be super weird (but it definitely would and she doesn't have a car)
and there are dozens more people that I wish I could call on... but what's stopping me isn't them. It's me. It's that I haven't been able to open myself up emotionall the way I want to. That I haven't spent the kind of time and gone through the type of experiences that I need to to be comfortable with them. Maybe also I'm oversensitive to what everyone else is going through, the constraints on their time and energy (Surajit :( )
I don't really know what else I should be saying here, so I'm going to wrap this up. I just wanted to write it down and get it out, I guess.
Then when I got to bed I felt some pressure in my chest, sort of coming and going in waves. When it came, it was painful and it kept me up past 4:30. I was freaking out a bit, because it was unpleasant enough to actually scare me. I started looking things up online, and a few screens came up saying "seek immediate medical attention," which is when the anxiety really started to come on. It was 4am, I was drunk, I was alone, I was scared and in bed, and I really did not want to talk to a stranger on the phone. I debated stuff with myself in my head and rolled in bed and freaked out a bit and eventually pooped then fell asleep.
This morning I woke up and the pressure was still there (it's still there now, late the next night, coming and going) but less intense. Enough that I know I need to talk to someone, enough that I know I need to go somewhere and do something, enough to feel scared that I'm actually tangibly endangering my life by not going or doing anything. Enough that I didn't go outside all day, that I didn't go to work, that I didn't even work from home despite having my computer around and accessible. I didn't eat very much today. I ate my last mealsquare this morning, then around 8:30 I had soup and corn on the cob for dinner. That probably adds up to about 1/3 of my usual calorie intake and I didn't have any caffeine, so now I'm also concerned about what I'm feeling and how it relates to what I've eaten (especially because I ate SO poorly the night that the feeling started).
I have been talking to Anna over text all day. I really want her to be here with me, but she isn't. I can't do this on my own. I can't feel this, physically, and also talk to people about it or go places or take care of myself and what's happening is just that I'm not and a bunch of depression and anxiety and whatever the fuck is happening to me physically are molding together, and turning into an emergency with nonlinear interaction effects--I've been reading military reports on the ethics of autonomous weapons systems recently, and one including a discussion of the leadup to the three mile island incident. There was a lot of discussion of how various factors combined in unexpected ways to escalate the incident far beyond what was expected, even in the presence of people who did everything they could to deal with it.
There are a lot of factors going on for me right now. One factor is something is happening to me. Another is my depression. It's very easy for me to default to not doing anything. To staying in bed for hours and alternate between playing phone games and spacing out. Another is social anxiety; I really hate talking to people on the phone. I was going to say strangers, but it's not even that. I don't like talking to my parents on the phone. I don't like talking to friends on the phone. I barely even like talking to Anna on the phone, and that's the closest best way for me to interact with her that I have. But I especially hate talking to strangers. And calling something like an urgent care center or a nurse hotline necessarily involves talking to a stranger on a phone.
That's not all though. It also involves a chance that I will need to react to the conversation, immediately. It's possible that I will need to go to a hospital. I don't want to drive feeling the way I do, so that would mean either getting an ambulance (!!!) or an uber, which would be another set of talking to strangers on phones that I really can't deal with right now.
So with a ton of social anxiety being triggered my depression wins out, and I don't call anyone. And I feel guilty and anxious and my depression and anxiety just grow in a terrible downward spiral that ruins my day.
So... there is in fact a mechanism for dealing with this that I should have access to. I saw a doctor (once) near my work, to get my prescription renewed, and I got signed up for My Health Online with Sutter. On their website I should be able to access my medical records, schedule appointments, and chat with my doctor or someone else if she's not available.
Perfect, right? A way to interact with people and maybe figure out what I actually NEED to do without having to call strangers on the phone first. If it's not an emergency then I can calm down and stop feeling guilty, and if it is I'll get some adrenaline and social support to push me through the first difficult parts and momentum can take me from there.
But there's a problem--I didn't go on the website for several months after visiting the doctor, and so I didn't remember my login information. I tried resetting my password and verifying my identity but there were issues I couldn't identify and now guess what needs to happen? I need to call their number to get my account unfrozen.
If Anna were here I feel like I would have been able to do it. She could have helped me. But today is the day her dissertation was due. It's kind of a big deal. She's coming up tomorrow anyway. Because she is the literal best and I love her and I need her and she loves me and is the best and will help me and I will be okay.
I wish I had someone else that I could call on. I have work friends that I love but I'm not that close to most of them. And those I am close to, I'm not confident in how that closeness is. How much of it is me projecting the giant inappropriate crushes I have on everyone? And will they even be able to help me, to come over, to support me through phone calls, to drive me to a doctor's office? I have roommates but... I'm bad at opening up to them, and the closest one doesn't drive, and one is out of town... The friends that I feel comfortable with are far away from me.
I'm nervous about calling things out because I might post this to facebook and the relevant people might read it, but I'm writing this for the catharsis more than anything so I'm going to go a bit deeper.
I wish I could call on Julianne, that it wasn't a weekday today and that she wasn't miles away.
I wish I could call on Clara, that she wasn't insanely busy this week.
I wish I could call on Nicole, I wish that we could be friends again without the baggage that came up.
I wish I could call on my parents, I wish the shit that's going on wasn't sort of polluting my mind with respect to them.
I wish I could call on Tatiana, that it had been more than 5 weeks and wouldn't be super weird (but it definitely would and she doesn't have a car)
and there are dozens more people that I wish I could call on... but what's stopping me isn't them. It's me. It's that I haven't been able to open myself up emotionall the way I want to. That I haven't spent the kind of time and gone through the type of experiences that I need to to be comfortable with them. Maybe also I'm oversensitive to what everyone else is going through, the constraints on their time and energy (Surajit :( )
I don't really know what else I should be saying here, so I'm going to wrap this up. I just wanted to write it down and get it out, I guess.