Things and such
It's been a while. More than, really. It's been forever. Well, I've been through a lot these last few months, this past year. Many changes, more than I could have ever imagined. Some are great, others ... well, not so much. This isn't likely to make sense, but this is my way of getting everything out. Maybe that way, when I look back at it, I'll have some semblance of a clue as to what actually happened. As of right now, I'm still spinning.
I am her flesh and blood, her only daughter. You are a leach, an adoptee that never went away from childhood. No it wasn't legal, it was by choice. She always brought in strays and people who were my friends and tried to make them family. She's kind-hearted that way, and she wanted to make a difference in younger people's lives so that she could help spread the beliefs. She wanted to make me feel less like an outcast, and more normal in a way. And she just relates better to younger people for a variety of reasons.
Here's the main difference. I left home at 17 and never, ever went back. I didn't ask to move back when I got divorced, I lived with my ex on oddly friendly terms. I didn't ask to move back when I didn't move out of the country and lost the house along with almost everything I owned. I didn't ask to be supported, I didn't ASK for money. She bought my car as a good will gesture so that I didn't have to worry about it when I moved, then when I didn't she told me to keep the money and let me drive the car. Did I feel bad? Without a doubt. I don't like relying on the kindness of others, but, she is my mother and I felt like if I had to rely on someone, at least she was family.
She never asked for money back, hell she almost never asked for the car. But things had changed. Our relationship had changed when I didn't move. We almost never saw each other, she never saw my first apartment that was technically mine, and mine alone, if even only for a short while. She missed some drastic changes in my life, the ups and the downs. She missed the epic level breakup and the drama associated with it. But then, when I got pregnant, I realized how much I wanted my mommy back in my life. How much I missed her. How much it had hurt that it felt like I DID leave the country with how little we spoke or saw each other.
She was the first person I told other than the father. Her reaction hurt, but I expected very little as she's never been known to really like babies, and my situation was, at best unsettled. But then she slowly came around and seems to be happy now. Who wouldn't be? She's going to be a grandma in just a few more weeks!
This pregnancy hasn't been the easiest. I have a variety of medical complications that stemmed from this baking baby. Ones that range from very painful to simply annoying, and everything in between.Yes there are some days I break down and just can't cope anymore, but for the most part I'm pretty even keel, doing what needs to be done for the health and safety of my baby. And yes, that means I have retreated a bit into myself as of late. I don't have enough time or energy after taking care of myself and my unborn to really dedicate to the needs of others. If that makes me selfish, so be it. It's not how I normally am, and I didn't forgo helping EVERYONE, I just prioritized.
Now, we bought a new car. How awesome! I offer to get the old one sold, mom agrees, but ultimately it doesn't happen because she needs the car back. We replace the exhaust system and get the car inspected, legally. That was a process and a half to say the least, but I put that in the forefront of importance as soon as I found out that she needed the car. I made it happen. But I must stress how much her roommate, this friend, this adoptee of ages long past treated me in the process.
He acted as though this was his vehicle, not hers. He acted as though this was being done for him, that he was entitled to it, not her. He ruined a vehicle that was provided to him for free from his parents due to his incompetence at driving. He's a terrible driver. The car door was falling off by the time he called it "dead." I knew that my mother's plans were ultimately to see if he'd like to purchase this hand-me-down car. I did what needed to be done. For whatever in the hell reason, he got the keys in his hands and took it to another shop that just wanted to make money off of him. They quoted him a variety of issues totaling something akin to $1000 worth of work and stated the car never would have passed inspection. That is simply not the case. I told them the list of things that were wrong with the car when I turned it over, none of them were inspection failures or the damned thing wouldn't have passed to begin with. No I don't know anyone who owns a mechanic's shop, so no I couldn't possibly have purchased a sticker illegally. It just doesn't work that way anymore.
This person is a drama queen to say it in the nicest of ways. Always has been. I don't know how this information was provided to my mother, I wasn't present, but I can certainly guess at how that might have gone down. I shall hold off my guesses as I have no proof. I will state however that I had previously asked my mother to have this person stay out of the business between she and I as I felt as though he was acting entitled and demanding and really I didn't appreciate it with everything else I've been going through as of late. This request, sadly, was not honored. It was made several times. Not once was it honored.
My baby's father and I offer to have some of the work done to save my mother some money on her car. Not because we think it needs it, but to give her some peace of mind. We set an appointment to have a friend of his come to the house when we were not home to look at the car. Keys are not required to jack a car up, they never have been. It was the fastest I could have the car looked at, and with the seeming emergency nature of the request I thought that sooner was better. My mother was made aware of the appointment time, that no one would be there, but that it was ok because the car wouldn't have to be driven so the keys wouldn't necessarily be needed. This information was passed on, but in a wonderfully epic communication breakdown, the person dropping the car off was somehow unaware that no one would be there until the mechanic showed up.
I was AT WORK. That was made clear. No one would be home. He texts me, I've already asked for him not to be involved mind, but he texts none the less telling me no one was there. I respond with something to the effect of I'm aware, mom was aware, the mechanic doesn't need us to be there to look at it and go get parts. I tell him to just drop the keys in my mail slot, which goes into my house directly, not like leaving the keys outside somewhere. He proceeds to flip out. Ultimately resulting in him calling me "always selfish" "abusive" toward my mother, and telling me he is done with me in his life completely. At the time I wasn't sad. I was happy to know I'd no longer have to deal with his asshole entitlement issues. I was happy that my stress level would finally lower because he would no longer be an issue.
I told him how I felt he'd been acting since he got a job and a car - self-absorbed and selfish in the worst of ways. He only looked out for HIS number one, disregarding everything about everyone else in the world. If it wasn't his way, he wasn't interested in dealing with it.
Let me explain a few things. He called me selfish for using the car for a year. She's my flesh and blood, he is not, yet he lived off of her generosity for YEARS. She paid his portion of rent, food, pet care. He used her car, under her insurance, and never put gas in it whenever he felt so inclined. He lives with her. I borrowed a spare car she had for under a year. I insured it. I did the upkeep. I had several things replaced. Oil changes. New tires. Tire repairs. Transmission line replaced. Windshield wiper solution tank repaired. Exhaust system replaced. Inspection completed. I put well over $800 worth of work into that car, then gave it back when I had a solid ride of my own. When I found out it had MORE problems, I offered to have the work done, she offered to pay for parts - I didn't ask her to. I had even planned on paying for the break repair (parts) myself as a gift to her for the stresses that this situation has put her under. All of this while trying to balance home issues, health issues, a full time job I don't really much care for, and a small attempt at having time off to myself and my boyfriend (who is NOT the at home issue, for the record... he's wonderful).
That doesn't sound very selfish to me. It sounds rather self-LESS.
She and I had fought previously that night because I felt attacked PERSONALLY with the way that the information was relayed. But she's my mother. Mothers and daughters fight. We also made up. We both realized that we were being awful to each other and that it was based on a need to vent various frustrations, not even entirely related to the situation at hand. We worked it out. My boyfriend even offered to order stop smoking patches in his name because the state would only give her 2 weeks free rather than the 4 most people get. I feel like I (and my boyfriend) have been doing everything we can to help her. Again, that doesn't sound very selfish to me.
I'm not looking for props, I'm not looking for thanks, I'm not looking for ANYTHING. I just don't exactly understand what happened. It really and truly doesn't make sense. Is it because for once in my life I'm looking out for me first rather than EVERYONE ELSE? Well, it isn't even ME I'm looking out for. I'm looking out for my unborn baby. My first child. This means everything to me that she (or he) is happy, healthy and safe. If that means I can't drop everything and be at the aid of someone who has other people around, so be it. I don't think that makes me selfish. I've lost contact with a lot of people because no one wants to hang out with the pregnant chick. I've accepted that loss, and prayed that once the baby is born contact will be reinstated. But I don't hold out hope for that, really.
Priorities change. Drastically. The very moment you find you're expecting. They HAVE to. Mine did too. But I never put my family on the back. My blood family. If they need me, I do what I can in the state that I'm in. Offer rides, company, food. Offer to have work done or pay for it myself when I can afford to. Try to build a business that I can't get my hands on everything that I need to do it. I do what I can, when I can, while still balancing a full time life and a complicated pregnancy.
I felt like my ability to cope, with anything at all, was ripped away from me yesterday. I still do. I realized later the repercussions of he and I no longer speaking. He lives with my mother (at least now he pays rent and bills because he finally got a job last year). If he lives there, I can't go see her because when things blow up, they tend to stay that way. I'll have been summarily dismissed from my mother's HOME. My baby won't be able to see her (or his) grandmother, we'll be down one "Chosen Uncle" as I've no blood siblings that means more than it might for others. We'll be down one person I could feel safe leaving my baby in the care of. Our family game nights will be over, holidays will be utterly ruined, and my family as it stands will be rocked to the core. All over a CAR. A CAR that never belonged to him.
A fucking car... ruined my family.
I am her flesh and blood, her only daughter. You are a leach, an adoptee that never went away from childhood. No it wasn't legal, it was by choice. She always brought in strays and people who were my friends and tried to make them family. She's kind-hearted that way, and she wanted to make a difference in younger people's lives so that she could help spread the beliefs. She wanted to make me feel less like an outcast, and more normal in a way. And she just relates better to younger people for a variety of reasons.
Here's the main difference. I left home at 17 and never, ever went back. I didn't ask to move back when I got divorced, I lived with my ex on oddly friendly terms. I didn't ask to move back when I didn't move out of the country and lost the house along with almost everything I owned. I didn't ask to be supported, I didn't ASK for money. She bought my car as a good will gesture so that I didn't have to worry about it when I moved, then when I didn't she told me to keep the money and let me drive the car. Did I feel bad? Without a doubt. I don't like relying on the kindness of others, but, she is my mother and I felt like if I had to rely on someone, at least she was family.
She never asked for money back, hell she almost never asked for the car. But things had changed. Our relationship had changed when I didn't move. We almost never saw each other, she never saw my first apartment that was technically mine, and mine alone, if even only for a short while. She missed some drastic changes in my life, the ups and the downs. She missed the epic level breakup and the drama associated with it. But then, when I got pregnant, I realized how much I wanted my mommy back in my life. How much I missed her. How much it had hurt that it felt like I DID leave the country with how little we spoke or saw each other.
She was the first person I told other than the father. Her reaction hurt, but I expected very little as she's never been known to really like babies, and my situation was, at best unsettled. But then she slowly came around and seems to be happy now. Who wouldn't be? She's going to be a grandma in just a few more weeks!
This pregnancy hasn't been the easiest. I have a variety of medical complications that stemmed from this baking baby. Ones that range from very painful to simply annoying, and everything in between.Yes there are some days I break down and just can't cope anymore, but for the most part I'm pretty even keel, doing what needs to be done for the health and safety of my baby. And yes, that means I have retreated a bit into myself as of late. I don't have enough time or energy after taking care of myself and my unborn to really dedicate to the needs of others. If that makes me selfish, so be it. It's not how I normally am, and I didn't forgo helping EVERYONE, I just prioritized.
Now, we bought a new car. How awesome! I offer to get the old one sold, mom agrees, but ultimately it doesn't happen because she needs the car back. We replace the exhaust system and get the car inspected, legally. That was a process and a half to say the least, but I put that in the forefront of importance as soon as I found out that she needed the car. I made it happen. But I must stress how much her roommate, this friend, this adoptee of ages long past treated me in the process.
He acted as though this was his vehicle, not hers. He acted as though this was being done for him, that he was entitled to it, not her. He ruined a vehicle that was provided to him for free from his parents due to his incompetence at driving. He's a terrible driver. The car door was falling off by the time he called it "dead." I knew that my mother's plans were ultimately to see if he'd like to purchase this hand-me-down car. I did what needed to be done. For whatever in the hell reason, he got the keys in his hands and took it to another shop that just wanted to make money off of him. They quoted him a variety of issues totaling something akin to $1000 worth of work and stated the car never would have passed inspection. That is simply not the case. I told them the list of things that were wrong with the car when I turned it over, none of them were inspection failures or the damned thing wouldn't have passed to begin with. No I don't know anyone who owns a mechanic's shop, so no I couldn't possibly have purchased a sticker illegally. It just doesn't work that way anymore.
This person is a drama queen to say it in the nicest of ways. Always has been. I don't know how this information was provided to my mother, I wasn't present, but I can certainly guess at how that might have gone down. I shall hold off my guesses as I have no proof. I will state however that I had previously asked my mother to have this person stay out of the business between she and I as I felt as though he was acting entitled and demanding and really I didn't appreciate it with everything else I've been going through as of late. This request, sadly, was not honored. It was made several times. Not once was it honored.
My baby's father and I offer to have some of the work done to save my mother some money on her car. Not because we think it needs it, but to give her some peace of mind. We set an appointment to have a friend of his come to the house when we were not home to look at the car. Keys are not required to jack a car up, they never have been. It was the fastest I could have the car looked at, and with the seeming emergency nature of the request I thought that sooner was better. My mother was made aware of the appointment time, that no one would be there, but that it was ok because the car wouldn't have to be driven so the keys wouldn't necessarily be needed. This information was passed on, but in a wonderfully epic communication breakdown, the person dropping the car off was somehow unaware that no one would be there until the mechanic showed up.
I was AT WORK. That was made clear. No one would be home. He texts me, I've already asked for him not to be involved mind, but he texts none the less telling me no one was there. I respond with something to the effect of I'm aware, mom was aware, the mechanic doesn't need us to be there to look at it and go get parts. I tell him to just drop the keys in my mail slot, which goes into my house directly, not like leaving the keys outside somewhere. He proceeds to flip out. Ultimately resulting in him calling me "always selfish" "abusive" toward my mother, and telling me he is done with me in his life completely. At the time I wasn't sad. I was happy to know I'd no longer have to deal with his asshole entitlement issues. I was happy that my stress level would finally lower because he would no longer be an issue.
I told him how I felt he'd been acting since he got a job and a car - self-absorbed and selfish in the worst of ways. He only looked out for HIS number one, disregarding everything about everyone else in the world. If it wasn't his way, he wasn't interested in dealing with it.
Let me explain a few things. He called me selfish for using the car for a year. She's my flesh and blood, he is not, yet he lived off of her generosity for YEARS. She paid his portion of rent, food, pet care. He used her car, under her insurance, and never put gas in it whenever he felt so inclined. He lives with her. I borrowed a spare car she had for under a year. I insured it. I did the upkeep. I had several things replaced. Oil changes. New tires. Tire repairs. Transmission line replaced. Windshield wiper solution tank repaired. Exhaust system replaced. Inspection completed. I put well over $800 worth of work into that car, then gave it back when I had a solid ride of my own. When I found out it had MORE problems, I offered to have the work done, she offered to pay for parts - I didn't ask her to. I had even planned on paying for the break repair (parts) myself as a gift to her for the stresses that this situation has put her under. All of this while trying to balance home issues, health issues, a full time job I don't really much care for, and a small attempt at having time off to myself and my boyfriend (who is NOT the at home issue, for the record... he's wonderful).
That doesn't sound very selfish to me. It sounds rather self-LESS.
She and I had fought previously that night because I felt attacked PERSONALLY with the way that the information was relayed. But she's my mother. Mothers and daughters fight. We also made up. We both realized that we were being awful to each other and that it was based on a need to vent various frustrations, not even entirely related to the situation at hand. We worked it out. My boyfriend even offered to order stop smoking patches in his name because the state would only give her 2 weeks free rather than the 4 most people get. I feel like I (and my boyfriend) have been doing everything we can to help her. Again, that doesn't sound very selfish to me.
I'm not looking for props, I'm not looking for thanks, I'm not looking for ANYTHING. I just don't exactly understand what happened. It really and truly doesn't make sense. Is it because for once in my life I'm looking out for me first rather than EVERYONE ELSE? Well, it isn't even ME I'm looking out for. I'm looking out for my unborn baby. My first child. This means everything to me that she (or he) is happy, healthy and safe. If that means I can't drop everything and be at the aid of someone who has other people around, so be it. I don't think that makes me selfish. I've lost contact with a lot of people because no one wants to hang out with the pregnant chick. I've accepted that loss, and prayed that once the baby is born contact will be reinstated. But I don't hold out hope for that, really.
Priorities change. Drastically. The very moment you find you're expecting. They HAVE to. Mine did too. But I never put my family on the back. My blood family. If they need me, I do what I can in the state that I'm in. Offer rides, company, food. Offer to have work done or pay for it myself when I can afford to. Try to build a business that I can't get my hands on everything that I need to do it. I do what I can, when I can, while still balancing a full time life and a complicated pregnancy.
I felt like my ability to cope, with anything at all, was ripped away from me yesterday. I still do. I realized later the repercussions of he and I no longer speaking. He lives with my mother (at least now he pays rent and bills because he finally got a job last year). If he lives there, I can't go see her because when things blow up, they tend to stay that way. I'll have been summarily dismissed from my mother's HOME. My baby won't be able to see her (or his) grandmother, we'll be down one "Chosen Uncle" as I've no blood siblings that means more than it might for others. We'll be down one person I could feel safe leaving my baby in the care of. Our family game nights will be over, holidays will be utterly ruined, and my family as it stands will be rocked to the core. All over a CAR. A CAR that never belonged to him.
A fucking car... ruined my family.