(no subject)
At the start of the day, it was quiet, and I managed fine.
And then I went to Shrewsbury, where I was hugged and greeted and missed. And I felt well. Better than I have in a little bit.
And then I came home, it is quiet, and it's bothering me.
I cancelled my Sunday dinner, a tradition I've maintained since Lina and Justin got their apartment, mostly because I was feeling lonely. Counterproductive, right? I suppose. Though in my mind I viewed it as feeling like I have to bribe people with food to make them want to be around me, and because, sometimes, when it really bothers you that you're not seeing someone, like I happen to be feeling now, it's only worse to remember that of your entire circle of friends, you are the only one like that. It makes me feel pathetic and insignificant, even if it isn't something they are actually doing. I'm watching myself become a trainwreck and not even trying to stop it, I think partially beause I feel like I can't and partially because I'm not sure how.
Vegetable stir-fry and guava juice is for the win.
I hate bitchy remarks. I hate assumptions. I hate it when people get mad because you don't do things for good reason. I also hate having silence being too loud to think.
I miss feeling like I have meaning. I know I do. But I just don't feel like I do.
And so I curl up in my chair and watch the walls, waiting for them to do something.
I've already called most of the numbers in my address book, so maybe I'll watch a movie.
I'll leave the light on and when the light outside is brighter than the inside, I will turn it off, and wonder why I put it on in the first place.