Timing. What is it about timing? My sleep schedule is still off. I don't know what I'm doing. I haven't shopped at all for christmas yet. I will eventually have to give in to this christmas bullshit, no matter how much it sucks to me. I seriously just do not like christmas. I think I just don't like participating in some holiday that celebrates and rejoices consumerism. I enjoy giving people things, but I buy people presents here and there all year. I don't need a damn holiday to be generous. I'm always broke at the end of the year. See, if those fuckers were smart, they would make tax season BEFORE christmas, so people would have their returns to spend on presents. But no, that would be too fucking easy.
I'm worried about March, when I have to move out of here and get a place on my own. On my fucking own. I've never not had roommates. To be honest, I think I would love/hate living alone. But for the most part, it would seem like a waste to me because I always like being around my friends, so I would either not be there a lot....or on the other hand I could have company over a lot. I know mcl would want to hang out a lot. I would love to say I could make it on my own with no problem, but man, I dunno. It seems awfully scary for someone as poor as me, who enjoys going out as much as I do. Agh! I really do want to get a second job, but I wish there was some way I could work out getting over time instead of having to venture out and do something completely different. I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do.
School starts Jan 6th. Not really looking forward to it, but hey, it needs to happen.
I am SO happy they put some Björk on Rhapsody. I love her so fucking much. She is MY muse. I look at her face and see so much of myself. Am I psycho for that? I just find so much inspiration in her. She's incredible. I hear her voice and swoon. Her voice. Perfect. Her face. Divine.
She is the most beautiful creature I had an insane dream last night. There were a bunch of us friends living in a community; like a building where a lot of us knew each other and partied. And when these certain six people got together in a room, or a party where they were all aware of each other's presences, someone would die. Their union would kill people. In the dream, I was on a mission to find out what was causing this, traveling in elevators, up and down to different rooms over a period of many days. I finally mentioned this to someone else, the idea I had behind why people were dying...I think it was to Cameron. And while he and I were trying to find out who the people were, we would look for certain expressions they would give....evil expressions that scared us. In the end, those six people were seemingly invincible so we left for safety. We went to Texas. It was like a movie, and when I woke up, I was satisfied as if I'd just seen a great movie. And then I reached for him.
I've lost my shit but I'm still okay. I feel like I'm stopped while the rest of the world keeps spinning. I don't really know how to react because I feel like I was in a bottomless pit, got myself out of it really fuckin' well on my own - and then BAM. A kick to the face with this one. It almost knocks me out. All the little things....the little tiniest of things.
june216bug: I dunno. I do trust him, though. Scary.
SoManyRds: a word of advice
SoManyRds: don't trust men.
Yeah, it echoes in my ears. But I'm still young. I'm still a sponge for mishaps. I suck them in and spit them back out. I'm resiliant, and I can take a lot. I'll go with the risk. Not blindly, but close.
Maureen told me something that Troy told her about the difference between 20's and 30's. It made a lot of sense, and in the case of what she was telling me, I am still trying to figure shit out. Even though I have it pretty together, I still feel a little shaky. I'll admit it.
Through the warmthest
Cord of care
Your love was sent to me
I'm not sure
What to do with it
Or where to put it
I'm so close to tear
And so close to
Simply calling you up
And simply suggesting
We go to the hidden place
That we go to the hidden place
We go to the hidden place
We go to a hidden place
Now I have
Been slightly shy
And I can smell a pinch of hope
To almost have allowed once fingers
To stroke
The fingers I was given to touch with
But careful, careful
There lies my passion, hidden
There lies my love
I'll hide it under a blanket
Lull it to sleep
I'll keep it in a hidden place
I'll keep it in a hidden place
Keep it in a hidden place
Keep it in a hidden place
He's
The beautifullest
Fragilest
Still strong
Dark and divine
And the littleness of his movements
Hides himself
He invents a charm
That makes him invisible
Hides in the air
Can I hide there too?
Hide in the air of him
Seek solace
Sanctuary
In that hidden place
In a hidden place
In a hidden place
We'll stay in a hidden place
Ooohh in a hidden place
We'll live in a hidden place
We'll be in a hidden place
In a hidden place