Wow...Sorry this is freaking long and depressing
Warning: kinda depressing (i hate long posts but this one just had to be done)
So dano's post got me thinking. well not really got me thinking i did this a long time ago. although it was not thinking about a zebra that did it to me. i was actually reading a book and it hit me like a brick wall. the book mentioned something about someone's mother being about as beautiful as her daughter only about 2 decades ago.
i then thought to myself, wow what the fuck? will someone think about me like that later? and then i realized i WILL be old one day. everyone knows that it is a fact of life. but when you actually think about being old...closer to death it freaks you out a little bit.
when you are little you know you have to die, you joke about it, you say i hope you die, someone you know dies. but at least i didnt understand the finality of it. its so distant when all you are thinking about is what color to draw on the sidewalk with, or later, what color lipstick will get you the man you have been wanting, it seems to make no difference. i mean you learn about dead people in history that is all you know. death is just history to you not the future.
i started thinking what my last thought would be. not last words but last thought, ever. death all of a sudden became a reality. one day i will close my eyes and they will never open again. life then seemed almost surreal. why was i here? if i was just going to leave it? a humans life is litterally of small significance to the life span of the earth itself. fruit flies to us have the shortest live span of a single day, but for them they have led a full life. i then realized that however much i hated someone i NEVER want to wish death upon them. i used to not understand that. you cant wish death on someone and appologize for it after.
think about it. time flies. it really does. try to remember everthing you did when you were 5, 10, even high school, you cant do it. high school seemed to fly by. it may not have seemed like it at the time but looking back at it. it sure did. no matter what you say when your time comes you will look back and go, that went really fast, time flew by, etc. you will always want more. the fact that time flies by freaked me out as well. will i look back and not be able to remember? have regrets that i cannot go back and fix? will i be able to bow out and know my time is done? I DO NOT WANT TO BE OLD. they have to know that they could die at any moment and its getting closer and closer. they were like us once. are they really alright with being gone forever. i mean really ready for it. old people seem so carefree and joyous. it just scares me that when i am that age it will seem like i just blinked and my life is done.
it must be easy, because many many people have done it before. and i started thinking about it and nothing absolutely nothing is forever. the earth the stars they all die. rocks get blasted away by wind and water. animals, everything you see around you, your tv will cease to work, you computer, any material will fall appart etc. even diamonds wont last forever contrary to the commercial. it was once coal, coal ceased to exist and changed.
but is it really the end. i didnt want to think about that at all but it seemed inevitable while my mind was running amok. it seemed far too unlikely that i would close my eyes one minute and then wake up and be myself again but with god. i am a christian and knowing that i will someday have to face death i didnt know what to think.
i started comparing us to all other life on the planet (mind you this is one of those times where this happens in about the span of 2 minutes). i realized how much of a miracle life really is. animals even. everything is so perfect it cant just be coincidence. i realized how different we really were. we have emotions, all other animals except humans and dolphins mate for strictly procreation purposes. i know that was a really crude example but we have love. no other animal has that. they may have loyalty to their pride or pack but love is something they dont have. if that didnt convince you we have creativity. we know when something is pleasing to the eye or not. we are artistic we can express ourselves with colors and pictures. we have been doing it since the very first humans. humans really are incredible. someone had to make it that way. it made me feel a little better.
mind you i really really did not want to write about this because i found it way too depressing but dano's post let me know that i was not alone. plus it has been about a month since this first hit me and it has been in my mind since then. maybe this will get it out so i can think about other things. working with death certificates at work isnt helping either. the idea of having to work for at an office like have been working at for the rest of my life just so i can get money and buy stuff now that when i am 80 really wont matter at all.
that was only a sampling of what has really been going on in my mind. A lot of it i couldnt figure out how to really express.
i am sorry for that one i will try to be more cheeful (and shorter) next time
So dano's post got me thinking. well not really got me thinking i did this a long time ago. although it was not thinking about a zebra that did it to me. i was actually reading a book and it hit me like a brick wall. the book mentioned something about someone's mother being about as beautiful as her daughter only about 2 decades ago.
i then thought to myself, wow what the fuck? will someone think about me like that later? and then i realized i WILL be old one day. everyone knows that it is a fact of life. but when you actually think about being old...closer to death it freaks you out a little bit.
when you are little you know you have to die, you joke about it, you say i hope you die, someone you know dies. but at least i didnt understand the finality of it. its so distant when all you are thinking about is what color to draw on the sidewalk with, or later, what color lipstick will get you the man you have been wanting, it seems to make no difference. i mean you learn about dead people in history that is all you know. death is just history to you not the future.
i started thinking what my last thought would be. not last words but last thought, ever. death all of a sudden became a reality. one day i will close my eyes and they will never open again. life then seemed almost surreal. why was i here? if i was just going to leave it? a humans life is litterally of small significance to the life span of the earth itself. fruit flies to us have the shortest live span of a single day, but for them they have led a full life. i then realized that however much i hated someone i NEVER want to wish death upon them. i used to not understand that. you cant wish death on someone and appologize for it after.
think about it. time flies. it really does. try to remember everthing you did when you were 5, 10, even high school, you cant do it. high school seemed to fly by. it may not have seemed like it at the time but looking back at it. it sure did. no matter what you say when your time comes you will look back and go, that went really fast, time flew by, etc. you will always want more. the fact that time flies by freaked me out as well. will i look back and not be able to remember? have regrets that i cannot go back and fix? will i be able to bow out and know my time is done? I DO NOT WANT TO BE OLD. they have to know that they could die at any moment and its getting closer and closer. they were like us once. are they really alright with being gone forever. i mean really ready for it. old people seem so carefree and joyous. it just scares me that when i am that age it will seem like i just blinked and my life is done.
it must be easy, because many many people have done it before. and i started thinking about it and nothing absolutely nothing is forever. the earth the stars they all die. rocks get blasted away by wind and water. animals, everything you see around you, your tv will cease to work, you computer, any material will fall appart etc. even diamonds wont last forever contrary to the commercial. it was once coal, coal ceased to exist and changed.
but is it really the end. i didnt want to think about that at all but it seemed inevitable while my mind was running amok. it seemed far too unlikely that i would close my eyes one minute and then wake up and be myself again but with god. i am a christian and knowing that i will someday have to face death i didnt know what to think.
i started comparing us to all other life on the planet (mind you this is one of those times where this happens in about the span of 2 minutes). i realized how much of a miracle life really is. animals even. everything is so perfect it cant just be coincidence. i realized how different we really were. we have emotions, all other animals except humans and dolphins mate for strictly procreation purposes. i know that was a really crude example but we have love. no other animal has that. they may have loyalty to their pride or pack but love is something they dont have. if that didnt convince you we have creativity. we know when something is pleasing to the eye or not. we are artistic we can express ourselves with colors and pictures. we have been doing it since the very first humans. humans really are incredible. someone had to make it that way. it made me feel a little better.
mind you i really really did not want to write about this because i found it way too depressing but dano's post let me know that i was not alone. plus it has been about a month since this first hit me and it has been in my mind since then. maybe this will get it out so i can think about other things. working with death certificates at work isnt helping either. the idea of having to work for at an office like have been working at for the rest of my life just so i can get money and buy stuff now that when i am 80 really wont matter at all.
that was only a sampling of what has really been going on in my mind. A lot of it i couldnt figure out how to really express.
i am sorry for that one i will try to be more cheeful (and shorter) next time