Songfic (Incomplete/Halo)
Rating: PG-13
Fandom: Star Trek XI
Pairing/Characters: Kirk/McCoy, Spock
Disclaimer: Star Trek does not belong to me
Warnings: Main character death.
Notes: Songs are "Incomplete" by the Backstreet Boys and "Halo" by Beyonce
Incomplete:
Empty spaces fill me up with holes
Distant faces with no place left to go
Bones stares out the viewport, barely seeing the stars streaking past. Three months ago, he couldn’t have stood here without having a panic attack. Now he can hardly even remember he has a phobia; all he can think about is how empty and desolate his life is without Jim, just like those cold, distant stars.
Without you
Within me
I can find no rest
Where I’m going is anybody’s guess
It hurts. It feels like he can’t breathe, like he’s drowning. He’d never imagined agony like this. On some level, he knows he needs to move on, get back to his life. Starfleet isn’t going to tolerate much more of this. He knows he’s in serious danger of losing his commission, even his medical license, but he can’t make himself care.
I try to go on like I never knew you
He knows Jim wouldn’t want him to hurt like this, but he can’t fucking help it. No matter how hard he tries, prays, cries, screams, he can’t find a way out of the black void consuming him, eating away at him from inside.
I’m awake but my world is half asleep
He’d thought it had hurt when Jocelyn had left him. That had been nothing, like a paper-cut or a splinter compared to a severed limb. He’d thought he’d never let himself fall in love again after the divorce, but then Jim had walked into his life and turned everything upside down and inside out.
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
Jim had been his second chance at happiness, one he hadn’t really appreciated until it was too late. When Jim had been taken from him, it’d torn out a piece of his heart far too large to ever have any hope of being filled again.
But without youall I’m going to be is
Incomplete
He thinks back to the last thing he’d said to Jim. He’d been angry. He couldn’t remember why. “As soon as you get back from this mission I swear Jim, I am going kill you.” Jim had laughed and said “Nope, you’d miss my sexy ass too much.” And then he’d disappeared. And he hadn’t come back.
Why? Why did that have to have been the last thing Jim had heard from him? As he lay there dying on alien soil, frightened and in pain, why did that have to have been the last thing he’d remember?
If he had to die, why couldn’t I have just held him and told him I loved him, just once more?
Voices tellme
I should carry on
Bones barely even registered the flare of pain in his hand as it made contact with the bulkhead. It was minute compared to what he was already feeling. The only reason he hasn’t killed himself is because of Joanna, not that he could ever be a decent father to her, broken as he is.
But I am swimming in an ocean all alone
He registers movement near him, catching sight of a vague figure in his peripheral vision. He hates himself for it, but he can’t help the split-second flutter of irrational, illogical, impossible hope in his heart, which rapidly plunges back into crushing misery when he realizes it’s Spock. He gets the feeling that he’s been there for a while.
Baby, my baby
It’s written on your face
“What do you want?” He asks dully, noting with no particular interest that he scarcely recognizes his own voice.
That you still wonder
If we made a big mistake
“I wished to enquire as to your wellbeing. Members of the crew have expressed a concern that you have not been eating or sleeping adequately.”
I try to go on like I never knew you
“I’m not hungry and I’m not tired.”
“Doctor-“
“Go away Spock. I can’t deal with you right now.”
I’m awake but my world is half asleep
“If you are implying that I am not desirable company because of my perceived lack of understanding of human emotions-“
“I. Said. Go. Away.”
Spock continued as if he hadn’t even heard. “It has been 102 days since the Captain’s death. I understand that humans have a far longer mourning period than Vulcans, and that humans cope with grief in different ways, however, it is illogical for one to neglect one’s own health in the process.”
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
“Tell me how Jim’s death was logical, and I’ll grieve however you see damn well fit, ok?
Spock was silent for a moment. “I cannot give you a logical explanation for his death. However, I can assure that punishing yourself will not bring him back.”
“Don’t you think I fucking know that?!”
Bones realised that his hands were clenched into fists, and slowly relaxed them. More calmly he added “Spock, I know you’re just trying to help, but it’s really not working. Can you go away and let me
handle this on my own?”
But without you all I’m going to be is
Incomplete
“You have had over three months to ‘handle this by yourself.’ It is clear that you need help.”
Bones fought to keep calm. Yelling at Spock wasn’t going to help, or make him go away.
“You’re probably right. But I sure as hell can’t get from you. You can’t understand what I’m feeling.”
“Doctor, I believe I have made it clear to you on many occasions that Vulcans do have emotions, we merely choose to control them.”
“Well whoop-de-doo for you. Too bad I can’t just forget about someone I loved - God, still love- more than anything- and go on like nothing happened like you apparently can.”
I don’t mean to drag it on
“I am not suggesting you forget about him, but this obsession is dangerous. He wouldn’t have wanted you to destroy yourself.”
“I know.” It came out as a broken sound, somewhere between a whimper and a sob. “But I can’t help it. It hurts too much but if I let go of the pain, I won’t have anything of him left.”
But I can’t seem to let you go
“Would it not be more logical to focus on happy memories, rather than painful ones?”
“I can’t remember what happiness feels like.”
“Try.”
“I can’t.”
“Why not?”
“Because I can never be happy again! What’s the point in remembering something I can’t have? It’ll only hurt more.”
I don’t want to face this world alone
“I think Jim would have wanted you to remember.”
Bones knew Spock was right, but it didn’t make it any easier to accept. He’d shut out everything in an effort to numb the pain for so long he didn’t think he could stand to let himself think about Jim again. But
the memories came flooding back against his will.
I wanna let you go
The first time they’d kissed. Jim had just grabbed him suddenly, mid-rant about obnoxious patients, about two months after they’d met and kissed him. Then he’d said “Sorry to interrupt your complaining, but you’re really hot when you’re pissed.”
I try to go on like I never knew you
The first time they’d fucked. Which had been shortly after that kiss. At first Bones had tried to protest, but Jim had informed him, on no uncertain terms, that yes, they would be having sex now, and yes, it
was going to be fantastic. And it had been.
I’m awake but my world is half asleep
The first time they’d made love. It had been about six months later, and, once again, prompted by a random outburst from Jim. They been laying on Jim’s bed studying, when Jim had looked over and
casually said “Hey Bones. I’ve been thinking, and I’ve just realized I love you.” Bones had gaped at him and Jim had added “I was wondering if you felt the same way.” Bones had continued gaping. “I mean, if you don’t it’s cool, but I’m pretty sure you do. Intuition and all that.” Bones hadn’t responded verbally, instead he’d kissed Jim with as much tenderness and love as he could, and then proceeded to press him down against the bed and worship every inch of his beautiful body. Their eyes had locked as they climaxed together, and Bones knew for sure that he was truly in love.
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
The first time they’d danced. They were at a party, Bones grumbling nonstop about too much noise and idiots drinking too much that he was going to have to treat in the morning when a slow song came on. Bones was just about to start bitching that it was sappy and annoying when Jim grabbed his hand with an “I love this song!” and dragged him into the dance floor. Bones had found himself liking the song more and more as they slowly swayed together, holding each other tightly. Jim had kissed him, long and slow and sweet, and Bones had found himself with a stupid grin on his face for the rest of the night, and any other time he heard that song.
But without you all I’m going to be is
The first time Jim had gotten possessive of him. He’d been getting hit on by some random chick in a bar who was being very persistent, despite Bones’ best efforts to discourage her. Jim discouraged her alright. By grabbing him by the shirt collar and kissing him passionately, right there in the middle of the crowded bar. Then he’d dragged Bones home, threw him onto the bed and fucked him until his toes curled and he couldn’t think straight.
The first time they’d come home from a long, shitty day and just held each other all night long, feeling safe and warm and content as they listened to each other’s heartbeats as they fell asleep.
Incomplete
When he’d proposed. He’d done it on the bridge, during alpha shift. Jim had nearly knocked him over with the force of his flying hug/kiss. Everyone laughed and clapped and Bones could swear even Spock smiled a little.
Their wedding day. They’d written their own vows, each word so sincere and chosen so carefully, though no words were capable of conveying how much love they each felt. Jim had looked at him with so much love that it had brought tears to his eyes, and he could see Jim was tearing up a little too.
Their honeymoon on Risa. They’d gone swimming around the reefs and hiking through tropical forests and made love on the beach, surrounded by the sounds of the ocean and wind and birdcalls, and lay in each other’s arms afterward, content to just look at each other for hours.
All the little things, like how they could talk for hours about nothing, or have a conversation without words, and all the little private jokes that could have them laughing hysterically in seconds and not care about all the strange looks. How they could fight over the stupidest little things and make up five minutes later. How they would just stand on the observation deck (right where he was now) and just watch the stars, fingers intertwined. On shore leave, when they could sleep late and feed each other breakfast in bed. Jim’s smile, his laugh, the way his eyes lit up when he discovered some new form of life or anomaly...
Incomplete
Bones didn’t even notice he was crying until he found he couldn’t breathe through the sobs wracking his body. “I’m sorry.” He gasped, trying to turn away from Spock and get out of the suffocating room. “I didn’t mean to- I shouldn’t have-”
Spock cut him off with a soft but firm “There is no need to apologise” then somewhat awkwardly, pulled him into his arms. Bones stayed frozen for a few seconds, then just gave in to the waves of sorrow he’d been keeping bottled up for the past month, and melted against Spock’s shoulder, clutching tightly at his shirt.
Incomplete
He wasn’t sure how long they stayed there. It might have been hours. Spock didn’t try to do all those annoying comforting things other members of the crew had. He didn’t try to tell him it would be alright, that he was sure it had been quick and painless, that Jim was in a better place watching over him or any of that other useless bullshit. He just held him and let him cry without any unhelpful comments or suggestions.
When the tears had slowed, and finally stopped, Bones pulled away and whispered “Thanks. I feel a little bit better now.” It had helped, really. Sure, it still felt like his soul had been gouged out with a rusty spoon, but the darkness wasn’t quite as all-consuming as it had been before.
“I’m glad I could be of some assistance.”
“Don’t mention it. Ever.” Then added with a small smile “I think I’ll go get something to eat, and then get some rest.”
“That would be wise.”
They exchanged polite nods, and each left the observation deck.
****************************************
Epilogue:
McCoy lay awake, staring at the ceiling. He couldn’t figure out why he couldn’t fall asleep. He was exhausted, and, after his breakdown with Spock, he was feeling the best he’d felt since Jim’s death. Still terrible, of course, but better than he’d ever expected to feel again. He’d been able to sleep before, obviously, even though he felt awful, as no human could live for three months without sleep.
So what was the problem tonight? He’d been tossing and turning for hours. It wasn’t just that the bed was so empty and cold, just like his heart, without Jim. There had to be something else.
There’d always been one thing that had helped him get to sleep... before... but he wasn’t sure if he could handle that now.
Listening to the song he and Jim had first danced to never failed to send him off to sleep. Jim had teased him mercilessly about it, but Bones knew he too was (had been, his mind reminded him) comforted and lulled by ‘their’ song.
He hadn’t listened to it since Jim’s death.
After tossing and turning for another hour, he decided he didn’t really have much choice. He was on duty in 3 hours, and he’d promised Spock he’d get some rest.
With a sigh he went to the computer, turned it on and selected the song. Tears sprang to his eyes almost immediately as the first notes rang out.
Remember those walls I built
Well baby they’re tumbling down
And they didn’t even put up a fight
They didn’t even make a sound
He’d always identified so much with these words. He’d been wary of falling in love again after the divorce, but Jim had been there to heal him.
I found a way to let you in
But I never really had a doubt
Standing in the light of your halo
I got my angel now
Bones walked back to the bed and slipped under the covers, trying to let the music wash over him, help him block out the pain.
It’s like I’ve been awakened
Every rule I had you breaking
It’s the risk that I’m taking
I’m never gonna shut you out
It wasn’t working. He could only focus on how Jim was supposed to have been his forever, and that had been viciously ripped from him.
Everywhere I’m lookin’ now
I’m surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you’re my saving grace
Jim had been, and without him, Bones was drifting, lost and alone, with no direction.
You’re everything I need and more
It’s written all over you face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won’t fade away
But it had. Tears coursed down Bones’ cheeks, as he thought of all the times he and Jim had lain here, curled up around each other in this very bed, kissing tenderly or just watching each other as they listened to these words.
I can feel your halo, halo, halo
I can see your halo, halo, halo
I can feel your halo, halo, halo
I can see your halo, halo, halo
And suddenly, a wave of calm flowed over Bones. It was so strong, it was almost a presence. Even as his rational mind told him to stop being an idiot, he couldn’t help the thought that it felt almost as if Jim were in the room.
Hit me like a ray of sun
Burning through my darkest night
You’re the only one that I want
Think I’m addicted to your light
Wishful thinking, he told himself. Stupid, wishful thinking. Just like all the other countless times in the past three months he could have sworn he’d heard, or seen or felt Jim. But that still couldn’t keep him from opening his eyes, just to be certain.
I swore I’d never fall again
But this don’t even feel like fallin’
Gravity can’t forget to pull me back to the ground again
As expected, he saw nothing, but he couldn’t shake the feeling that Jim was...somewhere close. He didn’t believe in ghosts. So why couldn’t he stop himself from sitting up and whispering “Jim?” He didn’t expect an answer. Did he?
It’s like I’ve been awakened
Every rule I had you breaking
It’s the risk that I’m taking
I’m never gonna shut you out
He didn’t get one. But he still could have sworn it felt like Jim was right there. He could almost feel him now; a soft brush of fingers against his cheek, the phantom caress of lips against his own.
Everywhere I’m lookin’ now
I’m surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you’re my saving grace
Fresh tears came to his eyes. Even as a little voice in his head told him “You’re really losing it now McCoy” it felt so real, as if Jim were right there, just out of reach, waiting for Bones to come and find him.
“I need you.” Bones whispered brokenly.
I’m righthere.
It could have been a rush of wind, or a rustle of leaves, a splash of water, it he hadn’t been on a starship in the dead of space. He knew he hadn’t really heard anything, physically anyway, but at the same time he just knew that Jim was really there.
You’re everything I need and more
It’s written all over you face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won’t fade away
“Jim?”
Yeah, it’s me
“So, I’ve officially lost my mind then?”
Always so pessimistic
“Well, it hasn’t exactly been all smiles since you...” He trailed off, unable to say ‘died.’ That would make this too fucking weird to deal with.
I know baby. I’m sorry. I didn’t want to leave you.
“I know.”
I wish I could stay.
“I know. Me too.”
But I’ll always be with you. You have to know that. I love you.
I can feel your halo, halo, halo
I can see your halo, halo, halo
I can feel your halo, halo, halo
I can see your halo, halo, halo
More tears trailed down Bones’ cheeks, and he felt the being gently wiped away. It was eerie feeling it, and hearing Jim’s voice and not seeing him. Jim seemed to read his mind.
I can’t appear visibly, not enough energy.
Bones nodded, then asked “Why didn’t you come sooner?”
I couldn’t make you feel me when you were trying to shut me out. I’ve been hanging around for ages, waiting for you to let yourself want to let me in. There was nothing I could do until you let yourself hope.
I’m sorry-“
Not your fault. There’s no need to apologise.
“How long can you stay?”
Not long. Maybe a few minutes.
It was longer than Bones could have hoped for- God, having even a few seconds would be better than none, - but he still couldn’t stop the sob that escaped his throat as he thought of losing Jim all over again. Immediately he felt Jim’s arms surround him.
I can feel your halo, halo, halo
I can see your halo, halo, halo
I can feel your halo, halo, halo
I can see your halo, halo, halo
Shh, darling. You’re not losing me. I’ll always be here.
“It’s not the same.”
I know. I know. I’m sorry.
“It’s not your fault.”
Yes it is. You were always telling me my recklessness would come back to bite me in the ass and you were right. I’m so sorry I didn’t listen to you.
“I forgive you. But I’m not going to forget that you said I was right.”
Jim laughed. Bones had nearly forgotten how beautiful the sound was.
Halo,
Halo
“Since apologies seem to be the favored topic, I’m sorry about what I said just before-“
I know. Apology accepted.
Everywhere I’m lookin’ now
I’m surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you’re my saving grace
“Kiss me.”
The words were barely out of his mouth before Jim’s lips were on his. They were soft and warm and perfect, just like he remembered. Jim’s hands were cupping the sides of his face, stroking gently along his cheekbones. Bones moved to wrap his arms around Jim, but stopped, unsure. He didn’t think he’d be able to take it if his hands just passed through. Once again, Jim knew what he was thinking.
It’s ok. You can touch me.
Bones moved his hands up, one running through Jim’s soft, silky hair, the other resting on his back.
After what felt like far too short a time, Bones had to pull back for air. He rested his forehead against Jim’s. “Missed that. Missed you.”
Me too.
You’re everything I need and more
It’s written all over you face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won’t fade away
I have to go soon. Promise me you’ll take care of yourself properly. It hurt so much watching you the last three months, knowing it was my fault, knowing I couldn’t make the pain stop. Please, promise me you’ll be ok.
Bones swallowed hard. “I’ll try to be.”
I love you.
“I love you too.”
I can feel your halo, halo, halo
I can see your halo, halo, halo
I can feel your halo, halo, halo
I can see your halo, halo, halo
Jim kissed him once more, softly, and then wrapped his arms around him.
Get some sleep now.
“Ok.” Bones whispered, snuggling further into Jim’s warm embrace. He smiled as he felt Jim’s fingers running through his hair. Jim’s touch, and the song still playing softly in the background coaxed his tired body gently towards sleep. The last thing before he faded out of consciousness was Sweet dreams darling. I love you.
And for the first time in three months, he fell into a peaceful sleep, devoid of nightmares.