Forlorn Fourth of July
Well, It is the fourth of July. I am not a happy camper. I guess I should just let all of this out. I am not in a good place right now. It is not good. I shoul dexplore th causes more than teh symptoms but it easier to obsess over how i feel and the poisonious thoughts and actions that have been engulfing me than the deeper causes. though if i am ever going to be rid of these things forever i should study the causes.
fuck it all, i dont feel like doing either anymore.
I dont drink that often but I am doing it more than I used to. And not with other people but by myself. I am using stuff to alter my state of being. Is it because i am not happy to simply just be. I am not.
Disney is gonna be a goo dbreak from everything/everyone up here. But i am nervous as hell that I am going to repeat fairfield. I know I am a different person now, but I am scared. REALLy scared. I wanted to do this at one point. I wanted to do this mor ethan anything else about college. But it has gone down in my eyes since the start of the process. Do I even still want to do it. Did I really still want to do it when I applied or was I just doing it cause it was teh plan. My family is more excited than I am. Am i only doing it for them? I will make the best of it. I know I will. I dont think that is the real thing that is giving me worry.
I think Iam also mornign teh loss of my romantic side. haha. and i suppose that has it's romantic aspects. but i dont believe in love anymore. or that there will ever be someone i love. I dont think i know the true meaning of love. i thought i did. but i was wrong. no i have not had my heart broken by anyone. in fact i think is a problem that adds to this loss of belief. I dont believe that i will ever find someone that i will be able to love. or who will love me. i no that it isn;t right to compare future people to those who you know right now. but there is no one in my life that i think i could/want to date. There is no one i am crushing on. I thought i was recently. but no. i miss that feeling. a lot. that was so much of who i was. i know that sounds bad and stupid, but I was so very much a passionate person and a big part of that was being devoted in my heart to taht one special crush. i have no one now. Not that I ever had anyone really but at least in my dreams i could always find someone to pretend. but now when i close my eyes there is no one there. i am so alone. even my own dream boys have left me, or i left them. i have grown out of all of my celebrity crushes. Ireally dont lust after them anymore. And I dont find joy following them how i used to. GOD MOTHER FUCKING DAMN IT I NEED TO GET OUT OF THIS HOUSE.
Seriously. They say they treat me like an adult and for the most part they do, but when I say I need to be left alone and I dont particularly want to talk about why I am not happy and smiling they need to back the fuck off. I know it is because they love and all that shit. but I need time to cry out and write out all of my pain every once and a while. it seems to be how I function. they should fucking know that by now. besides I think I share too much with them as it is. I need to find some else, may be I should go see a therapist or something, cause this situation is just getting awkward.
Another holiday alone. so very alone. I guess i should be getting used to it by now. hell and the ones where i am not alone i normally say I wish I was after the fact so I guess there is no pleasing me. I am never happy on holidays. but in general i think I am a happy person. i do. maybe I am bi-polar or something. Cause I think I am happy most of the time, but when I am sad a depressed it hits me like a bomb. And while my anger is explosive too. That fades within a few mins. my sadness will linger days on end.
Why do I think I need to get away? I love my times i have my new social circles, but for the most part they are that a social circle. And I think they are a bad influence. maybe I am not as strong as I thought I was. I have been influenced by the people I hang out with. I do things now that I would have condemned a year ago. I am also not nearly as bad as they are. But I am also just not happy with their idea of fun for the everyday: get drunk. And I am starting to do that when there is nothing else to do. If i am home and no one is around. I get drunk off of cheap wine. so very drunk. It was funny the first time, by the second time it was just pathatic.
I dont want to be pathetic. I dont want to be that drunk girl, or that high girl. I dont want that. I need to plan more fun outings that I can enjoy on my own. Cause i am realizing more and more how often I will end up being alone. There is no one out there who really shares all of my interests. I am glad I did the disney trip on my own. I had fun on my own, so i know being alone wont be that hard. It just hurts when you tak etime to think about it. Humans are social animals. And somewhere along those lines I fail. I fail hard. very hard. Even when I am in crowds or with a group of people. I feel alone. and It is true that almost everyone who meets me likes me. As far as I know no one dislikes me. I seem to integrate/make aquaintences easily. and They then think we are on good terms. But I still feel disconnected. alone.
And in many ways. I know I am perpetuating this feeling This sense of being alone. I mean I had invites for tonight. But I didn't want to go. I didn't want to engage. I didn't want to join a group to feel alone there. Or I could have called people, but no. ijust let myself wallow. There is a part of me again who wants to cut ties with all of the friends I have made so far. Like that would help anything. But part of my brain really thinks it is a good idea to nto return any phone calls, IMs, and when I go out ignore anyone I may recognize. Stick my own world let no one in. i would learn to be alone. But I know that a part of the reason I want to do that is I want to make people miss me. But i guess I am too afraid that they wouldn't miss me at all. That I am just cutting off my nose to spite my face. That I am hurting myself, and no one else. But I am use dto that. When I get angry at friends I do things that end up hurting me the most and not really even letting them know i am hurt. I punish myself for things people do to wrong me. How perverted is that.
I dont want to make this sound like I think I am piece of shit or something. I dont. I love me. I really do. I think I am funny and cute, and touchable and hugable. and all that fun stuff. So I dont think this is steming from self loathing or anything like.
I know a lot of it is hormones, and i need to be in control of that more. But as much as logic will let me say this feeling is from hormones. I doubt that hormones have enough power on the ir own to plant poisonious thoughts and actions. They just let the sadness That is already in there come Out.
heh. 1776 is on. Perhaps that will make me laugh again. I need to laugh again.
fuck it all, i dont feel like doing either anymore.
I dont drink that often but I am doing it more than I used to. And not with other people but by myself. I am using stuff to alter my state of being. Is it because i am not happy to simply just be. I am not.
Disney is gonna be a goo dbreak from everything/everyone up here. But i am nervous as hell that I am going to repeat fairfield. I know I am a different person now, but I am scared. REALLy scared. I wanted to do this at one point. I wanted to do this mor ethan anything else about college. But it has gone down in my eyes since the start of the process. Do I even still want to do it. Did I really still want to do it when I applied or was I just doing it cause it was teh plan. My family is more excited than I am. Am i only doing it for them? I will make the best of it. I know I will. I dont think that is the real thing that is giving me worry.
I think Iam also mornign teh loss of my romantic side. haha. and i suppose that has it's romantic aspects. but i dont believe in love anymore. or that there will ever be someone i love. I dont think i know the true meaning of love. i thought i did. but i was wrong. no i have not had my heart broken by anyone. in fact i think is a problem that adds to this loss of belief. I dont believe that i will ever find someone that i will be able to love. or who will love me. i no that it isn;t right to compare future people to those who you know right now. but there is no one in my life that i think i could/want to date. There is no one i am crushing on. I thought i was recently. but no. i miss that feeling. a lot. that was so much of who i was. i know that sounds bad and stupid, but I was so very much a passionate person and a big part of that was being devoted in my heart to taht one special crush. i have no one now. Not that I ever had anyone really but at least in my dreams i could always find someone to pretend. but now when i close my eyes there is no one there. i am so alone. even my own dream boys have left me, or i left them. i have grown out of all of my celebrity crushes. Ireally dont lust after them anymore. And I dont find joy following them how i used to. GOD MOTHER FUCKING DAMN IT I NEED TO GET OUT OF THIS HOUSE.
Seriously. They say they treat me like an adult and for the most part they do, but when I say I need to be left alone and I dont particularly want to talk about why I am not happy and smiling they need to back the fuck off. I know it is because they love and all that shit. but I need time to cry out and write out all of my pain every once and a while. it seems to be how I function. they should fucking know that by now. besides I think I share too much with them as it is. I need to find some else, may be I should go see a therapist or something, cause this situation is just getting awkward.
Another holiday alone. so very alone. I guess i should be getting used to it by now. hell and the ones where i am not alone i normally say I wish I was after the fact so I guess there is no pleasing me. I am never happy on holidays. but in general i think I am a happy person. i do. maybe I am bi-polar or something. Cause I think I am happy most of the time, but when I am sad a depressed it hits me like a bomb. And while my anger is explosive too. That fades within a few mins. my sadness will linger days on end.
Why do I think I need to get away? I love my times i have my new social circles, but for the most part they are that a social circle. And I think they are a bad influence. maybe I am not as strong as I thought I was. I have been influenced by the people I hang out with. I do things now that I would have condemned a year ago. I am also not nearly as bad as they are. But I am also just not happy with their idea of fun for the everyday: get drunk. And I am starting to do that when there is nothing else to do. If i am home and no one is around. I get drunk off of cheap wine. so very drunk. It was funny the first time, by the second time it was just pathatic.
I dont want to be pathetic. I dont want to be that drunk girl, or that high girl. I dont want that. I need to plan more fun outings that I can enjoy on my own. Cause i am realizing more and more how often I will end up being alone. There is no one out there who really shares all of my interests. I am glad I did the disney trip on my own. I had fun on my own, so i know being alone wont be that hard. It just hurts when you tak etime to think about it. Humans are social animals. And somewhere along those lines I fail. I fail hard. very hard. Even when I am in crowds or with a group of people. I feel alone. and It is true that almost everyone who meets me likes me. As far as I know no one dislikes me. I seem to integrate/make aquaintences easily. and They then think we are on good terms. But I still feel disconnected. alone.
And in many ways. I know I am perpetuating this feeling This sense of being alone. I mean I had invites for tonight. But I didn't want to go. I didn't want to engage. I didn't want to join a group to feel alone there. Or I could have called people, but no. ijust let myself wallow. There is a part of me again who wants to cut ties with all of the friends I have made so far. Like that would help anything. But part of my brain really thinks it is a good idea to nto return any phone calls, IMs, and when I go out ignore anyone I may recognize. Stick my own world let no one in. i would learn to be alone. But I know that a part of the reason I want to do that is I want to make people miss me. But i guess I am too afraid that they wouldn't miss me at all. That I am just cutting off my nose to spite my face. That I am hurting myself, and no one else. But I am use dto that. When I get angry at friends I do things that end up hurting me the most and not really even letting them know i am hurt. I punish myself for things people do to wrong me. How perverted is that.
I dont want to make this sound like I think I am piece of shit or something. I dont. I love me. I really do. I think I am funny and cute, and touchable and hugable. and all that fun stuff. So I dont think this is steming from self loathing or anything like.
I know a lot of it is hormones, and i need to be in control of that more. But as much as logic will let me say this feeling is from hormones. I doubt that hormones have enough power on the ir own to plant poisonious thoughts and actions. They just let the sadness That is already in there come Out.
heh. 1776 is on. Perhaps that will make me laugh again. I need to laugh again.