"For hating you I blame myself"
So, I think I need to write this out to just get it out of my system once and for all. I mean i am soo onot as broken up about it as I had been. I have moved on. Or at least that is what I keep telling myself.
So, I am listening to two songs over and over and over again: "Behind These Hazel Eyes" ~ Kelly Clarkson and "Dumb Girls" ~ I think by Liz Phair. They seemed to sum up how I had been feeling, and now i am listening to them perhaps to remind my self how i felt. Perhaps to make sure that I do make the same Stupid mistakes.
I guess I should stop being so fucking cryptic.
It all started on Friday night. The full story is long and tedious, but the abridged verision is that I realized that I was fooling myself about friendships in my life, and i am not sure if i can handle hanging out with the people i partied with Friday night. I am not saying that all Of friday nigth was bad. It was wrapped up in fun times, but the realization that hit me hard really hurt. So much so that I actually cried over it. The next day when I was relating my sorrow to my sister and mother. I didn't want to relay teh story to them, but they could tell I was upset and they wouldn't let it go.
I mean It was pretty damn obvious that I was broken up. So I called my best friend a bunch of times just wanting to hear his voice and get him to cheer Me up. Now I have done this for him countless times. Perhaps I called him with more frequency than he did me. But first I am girl, second at the time i thought the situation was heart crushing. (I have sinced moved past that)
So, when he finally calls me back, he lectures me and says I have turned into a Heartless bitch over the past 6 months. Which means he thinks that it is directly related to certain people and certain actions. He said I used to be this altruistic friend, and now i am a heartless bitch. and ya know what. I dont think that he is right, I know I have changed. I am happier for the most part. I am happy about who I am. But anywho, the point of this that when all of this down I wasn't mad at him cause I thought it came out of a place where he was trying to help. But perhaps because i have Brooded over it too long I have decided that I am no longer going to call him. And I dont know if I want to talk to him. For a long time. perhaps a very long time. I will always love him, he was my best friend. But I think we have reached a breaking point. and i think i am done. I dont wish him harm. I just dont think i wish him in my life anymore.
So in the course of a weekend, I have possibly dropped my newest friends, and my dearest friend. It was a rough weekend.
And i dont blame them at all, it is all my fault. I was just being dumb. Different levels of dumb for each situation. I thought I could be strong in the first situation, and i thought we would just always be close on the second situation.
I feel like I want to cry about all this stuff again, but i can't I think I am past all of that crying stuff. Perhaps I am dead inside about it. Maybe it isn't hitting right. Maybe I am worried I am going to be dumb again that I am going to fall right back into the same situations, which is very likely. All I know is that I have obsessed about this too much and i need to move on. SO PLEASE PSYCHE MOVE THE FUCK ON! THEY ARE NO LONGER FRIENDS GET THE FUCK OVER IT.
In other news, My sociology paper called Leash and Collar Deviance which was about my most deviant act. I think you can gather what it was about. I got a 30/30 and he said it was the most interesting paper he had read, but now he associates me with his dog. AND he thinks I needs to go to a psycologist. That paper will make my interactions for the rest of that class interesting.
Other Other News: I have a few things to look forward to, I am going to a Ball on firday. I am going to SEE COLBERT!!!!! I am going to see Patrick Stewart in Macbeth, and i am going to a concert tonight. Drac's ball lost some of it's fun this weekend, but it should still be good.
So, I am listening to two songs over and over and over again: "Behind These Hazel Eyes" ~ Kelly Clarkson and "Dumb Girls" ~ I think by Liz Phair. They seemed to sum up how I had been feeling, and now i am listening to them perhaps to remind my self how i felt. Perhaps to make sure that I do make the same Stupid mistakes.
I guess I should stop being so fucking cryptic.
It all started on Friday night. The full story is long and tedious, but the abridged verision is that I realized that I was fooling myself about friendships in my life, and i am not sure if i can handle hanging out with the people i partied with Friday night. I am not saying that all Of friday nigth was bad. It was wrapped up in fun times, but the realization that hit me hard really hurt. So much so that I actually cried over it. The next day when I was relating my sorrow to my sister and mother. I didn't want to relay teh story to them, but they could tell I was upset and they wouldn't let it go.
I mean It was pretty damn obvious that I was broken up. So I called my best friend a bunch of times just wanting to hear his voice and get him to cheer Me up. Now I have done this for him countless times. Perhaps I called him with more frequency than he did me. But first I am girl, second at the time i thought the situation was heart crushing. (I have sinced moved past that)
So, when he finally calls me back, he lectures me and says I have turned into a Heartless bitch over the past 6 months. Which means he thinks that it is directly related to certain people and certain actions. He said I used to be this altruistic friend, and now i am a heartless bitch. and ya know what. I dont think that he is right, I know I have changed. I am happier for the most part. I am happy about who I am. But anywho, the point of this that when all of this down I wasn't mad at him cause I thought it came out of a place where he was trying to help. But perhaps because i have Brooded over it too long I have decided that I am no longer going to call him. And I dont know if I want to talk to him. For a long time. perhaps a very long time. I will always love him, he was my best friend. But I think we have reached a breaking point. and i think i am done. I dont wish him harm. I just dont think i wish him in my life anymore.
So in the course of a weekend, I have possibly dropped my newest friends, and my dearest friend. It was a rough weekend.
And i dont blame them at all, it is all my fault. I was just being dumb. Different levels of dumb for each situation. I thought I could be strong in the first situation, and i thought we would just always be close on the second situation.
I feel like I want to cry about all this stuff again, but i can't I think I am past all of that crying stuff. Perhaps I am dead inside about it. Maybe it isn't hitting right. Maybe I am worried I am going to be dumb again that I am going to fall right back into the same situations, which is very likely. All I know is that I have obsessed about this too much and i need to move on. SO PLEASE PSYCHE MOVE THE FUCK ON! THEY ARE NO LONGER FRIENDS GET THE FUCK OVER IT.
In other news, My sociology paper called Leash and Collar Deviance which was about my most deviant act. I think you can gather what it was about. I got a 30/30 and he said it was the most interesting paper he had read, but now he associates me with his dog. AND he thinks I needs to go to a psycologist. That paper will make my interactions for the rest of that class interesting.
Other Other News: I have a few things to look forward to, I am going to a Ball on firday. I am going to SEE COLBERT!!!!! I am going to see Patrick Stewart in Macbeth, and i am going to a concert tonight. Drac's ball lost some of it's fun this weekend, but it should still be good.