Fic: We Are All Innocent
Fandom: Star Trek: Reboot
Rating: PG-13
Warnings:mpreg, implied character death
Pairings: Kirk/Spock, Spock/Uhura, Kirk Prime/Spock Prime/McCoy Prime
Disclaimer: I own nothing of the new movie or the old universe it inspired.
Summary: Spock and Jim are a couple, but they haven't told the crew. So when an accident gives Spock amnesia and he starts dating Uhura again no one thinks its a problem. Jim does his best to move on, but it's made all the more difficult by his recently discovered pregnancy.
We Are All Innocent
The Enterprise was experiencing a quiet gamma shift. With nothing to divert their attention Jim and Spock had taken the opportunity to indulge themselves. They had the lights dimmed in their quarters and they were cuddled close together under the covers. Spock’s hands rubbing along Jim’s stomach.
“Spock, even you can’t sense anything yet,” Jim said softly. They had only just discovered the pregnancy.
Spock stroked his mate’s stomach one last time and then leaned over and kissed his cheek.
“I know, T’hy’la, I merely enjoy it.”
Jim smiled. Spock saying he enjoyed something, they had certainly come a long way in the last five years hadn’t they? Jim wrapped his arms tighter around Spock and tucked his head under his chin, totally content.
“We should inform the crew, Jim. Doctor McCoy at least will want to begin monitoring you.”
Jim knew he was right, it was beyond time they told people about their relationship. They hadn’t even told anyone on the ship they were bonded. Spock hadn’t wanted anyone to know at first and Jim couldn’t blame him. Putting ‘the Captain and First Officer are now legally married under Vulcan law, because of an away mission in a cave where something deeply personal to Vulcans, that his older self from an alternate universe told him wouldn’t happen until he was over thirty, came early’ in the weekly meeting memo was just tacky. Also Jim had liked keeping it a secret at first. You shared so much on a starship already, meals, living space, and time that it was really nice to have something that was just his; a special secret that only he and Spock shared. Now though Jim was ready to share his happiness with his friends, his family. Their five year mission was almost over and they were on their way back to Earth to begin refits to the ship. Many of the crew would probably move on to other assignments, other ships, and be scattered across the stars. He wanted to his family to know how happy he was, and how much they all meant to him before that happened.
“We’ll tell them tomorrow.”
If Jim had known how much the events of the next day would change everything he never would have uttered those words.
***
Jim paced about sickbay, glancing at the door to surgery that still remained firmly closed. How could this have happened? They were only a few weeks away from Earth! It was a simple stop over for a run of the mill planet survey. Spock’s team was experienced, the planet was uninhabited by anything more hostile than a fruit fly, and-and…
Jim turned as the door slid open and McCoy came out, his medical tunic still spotted with green blood.
“Bones! How is he?”
McCoy put his hands on Jim’s shoulders.
“He’s stable and the swelling will go down in the next couple of hours. Until then I can’t tell if there’s been any permanent brain damage.”
Jim nodded and tried to remember to breathe.
“Can I sit with him?”
“Sure.”
He dashed through the door and gasped at the pale figure on the bed. With trembling hands he sat down in a chair, and took his husband’s hand. He knew that the bond was faded with Spock’s unconscious state, but Jim pushed through good thoughts just in case.
‘I’m here, Spock, I’m here.’
Normally he would have ignored everything and focused on Spock, but there was still the baby to consider, and so Jim took the glass of water and plate of food that Chapel brought later and ate everything. Reminding himself that Spock would worry if he didn’t take care of himself and that wouldn’t help him get better.
Chapel had just come in to take the tray when Spock shifted abruptly and his eyes fluttered open.
“Spock,” Jim said, and stood up from the chair to hug him, not caring that Nurse Chapel was still in the room. They were going to tell everybody anyway.
“Captain.”
Jim froze mid-motion. His tone was clipped and closed. It wasn’t like Spock at all.
Before Jim could do anything though Nurse Chapel stepped in and took over.
“Commander Spock, do you remember what happened?”
“There was an accident. Ensign Munro triggered a minor rock slide.”
Chapel frowned, Spock had gotten Munro’s rank wrong. Before she could investigate that though McCoy came in and the questions continued.
“How do you feel?”
“Vulcans do not-“
“Spare me the crap, Spock, you know me better than this by now, now out with it.”
Spock slowly described his physical state as McCoy confirmed that with his scanner. At first glance all was as it should be, but Jim knew something just wasn’t right. The bond was still clouded and Spock just didn’t sound like his Spock.
“Spock, can you tell me what the stardate is?”
“2259.42.”
Jim gasped as the whole world seemed to collapse in front of him; four and half years gone. Everything that made them, them was gone.
“Bones, I-I need-“
“My office is empty.”
Jim bolted from the room and into McCoy’s office next door. Fighting down the need to be sick all over his friend’s desk he sat down breathing hard. It was okay, he told himself. Everything was going to be okay. Bones would fix it.
The minutes ticked by slowly and Jim curled up further in the chair as the bond went from being clouded to fully blocked by Spock.
After a painfully long hour McCoy came in. “Post-traumatic retrograde amnesia,” he announced.
“Oh, god.”
McCoy reached out and squeezed Jim’s shoulder.
“Jim, I know this is hard.”
You don’t know the half of it, Jim thought, letting his hand curl over his stomach.
“Is there anything you can do?”
McCoy shook his head.
“There had been some experiential treatments, but nothing has been approved. Even if they were it’d only be for human use, not Vulcan.”
“W-What if I told him who he is or-or melded with him-there must be something we can do!”
“Jim, calm down.”
Jim did his best to do that before Bones started offering brandy, which he can’t drink because of the baby.
“Look we can’t just dump all this on him. He’s lost over four years of memories. He changed during the mission, we all have. He might decide he doesn’t like the person you tell him he’s become and reject what you’re trying to tell him, and that will just slow down the process of recovery.”
“Isn’t there anything I can do to help him?”
“The best thing I can suggest, Jim, is to go slow. Show him that you can be a good friend, like you did before. It might help his memories return, and if it doesn’t well then he’ll still be your friend again, and that counts for something right?”
I don’t want a friend, I want my t’hy’la, Jim thought miserably, and pushed against a bond that remained firmly closed.
***
Spock was released from sickbay not long after the accident and immediately went to his quarters to meditate. It helped him to centre himself. He reinforced his shields, still uncertain as to why they had been so weak when he had first woken up, a side effect of his injury perhaps.
Afterwards he turned his attention to his computer. As he went through the log entries and reports, catching up on all he had now missed and hoping it might trigger some recollections he began to…feel that something was wrong. Well not wrong per say, but missing. That someone should be here telling him not to work so hard. Spock sat back in his chair and contemplated it, arriving at an answer: Nyota. They had been together in the time his mind believed it to be, perhaps they still were.
With that though in mind Spock got up and went to her cabin.
“Come in,” she called as he hit the buzzer.
Spock went into her cabin to find her at her desk a PADD in her hands.
“Oh, Spock, everyone’s been so worried about you. How are you?”
“I am physically well, but I have a question.”
“Anything.”
“Are we still engaged in a romantic relationship?”
Her eyes widened, but after a moment she shook her head.
“No.”
“May I ask why not? We are compatible, Nyota.”
“On paper you’re right, but real life doesn’t work quite like that we…it simply ran its course.”
“I see.”
He bowed his head and turned to leave.
“Spock, wait!”
She reached on impulse and grabbed his wrist.
“Is there something else I can do for you, is there anything you need?”
He needs his memories, but more than that he yearns for…
“Companionship.”
Nyota thought about how all this must have felt for Spock. To just wake up and realize that the world wasn’t the one you thought you knew. How everyone must be staring at him, not sure what to say or do. How isolating that had to be. He needed something familiar. Nyota knew he wasn’t the same man he had been at the start of the mission, whether he remembered that or not. Perhaps they could make it work this time. It wasn’t like he was seeing anyone, and neither was she, no one would be hurt by it.
“All right, Spock, if-if it really means that much to you we can try again.”
“Thank you, Nyota.”
Four doors down Jim hugged Spock’s pillow tightly to his chest and cried.
***
As the Enterprise continued its trip back to Earth Jim tried to do what Bones said. He sat with Spock at breakfast. When he made the rounds around the bridge he lingered next to Spock as he scanned space. After ever shift he invited Spock to play chess with him. After the fifth attempt Spock agreed. When he did Jim had them meet in the observation lounge. It was less crowded than the rec rooms, and Jim liked getting Spock and him mostly alone and close together, thinking that the slightest contact would bring it all back for him.
In the end it all backfired.
Jim had gently brushed his fingertips against Spock’s as he reached for a chess piece and Spock glared at him and shoved his chair back. Spock stood up and icily told Jim that he did not appreciate such contact that was clearly being made to make him nothing more than a conquest in a no doubt long line of lovers that had come before. Then Spock informed Jim that he was with Nyota.
As he turned on his heel and left Jim alone at the table Jim was forced to admit that this wasn’t some old romance film. There wouldn’t be one special moment that would bring everything back for Spock, where they would run into each other’s arms and go off into their happily ever after. This was the real world and in the real world Jim Kirk always got the short end of the stick.
In response Jim threw himself into work. He was the first one to the bridge every morning and the last one to leave at the end of alpha shift. Afterwards he would lock himself in his quarters and fill out reports. Or do crew member evaluations or just try to read one page of a book fives time and remember nothing. Anything was better than focusing on what he no longer had.
That made nights the hardest though. Lying in bed and staring at the empty space beside him. Focusing on the wall was no better as the small selves held several pieces of Vulcan artwork. Really they were all memories of a life that only Jim knew of now and they hurt so much to think about, but luckily Jim had other memories, lots and lots of memories. A lifetime of memories from another universe, a universe where his father died a man of late middle age, after getting to see him grow up. Where his crew remained a family, and where Spock was always by his side. So, when exhaustion finally forced him into bed Jim curled his body around Spock’s pillow, even though the scent was starting to fade, and retreated into that other world.
In the sparsely filled cabin next to Jim’s Spock was having strange dreams. At first he thought they were memories, especially when one of the first ones was of him and Nyota on the bridge.
“Mr. Spock, sometimes I think if I hear that word frequency once more I’ll cry.”
“Cry?”
Nyota’s hair was different, but several years had gone by, and changing hair styles was highly common.
“I was just trying to start a conversation.”
“Well, since it is illogical for a communications officer to resent the word frequency, I have no answer.”
“No, you have an answer. I’m illogical woman, who’s beginning to feel too much a part of the communications console.”
Nyota leaned forward.
“Why don’t you tell me I’m an attractive young lady, or ask me if I’ve ever been in love?”
As he studied the memory though he quickly realized that it was wrong. The uniform colours, shades really, were different.
“Tell me how your planet, Vulcan, looks on a lazy evening when the moon is full.”
They talked as if they were comrades not partners.
“Vulcan has no moon, Miss Uhura.”
“I’m not surprised, Mr. Spock.”
They talked as if Vulcan was not gone.
Other…visions he supposed, did not contain him at all and so they couldn’t be memories.
“You’re suffering from a Vulcan mind meld, Doctor.”
“That green blooded son of a bitch. It’s his revenge for all those arguments he lost!”
Furthermore he and his shipmates were all older in many of the visions than they were now, and that obviously had no logical rational. None of it made any sense to Spock.
Spock sat up in his bed his mind reeling from the latest one.
Doctor McCoy was standing on the stairs of what appeared to be a wooden cabin. He was dressed in a red and gold bathrobe, his hair sticking out at all angles, and glaring at a large breed of dog barking as it ran by him.
“Whoever invented dogs should be drug out into the street and shot!”
The older version of himself poked his head out of the kitchen.
“That would be quite impossible, Doctor, as the humans who domesticated wolves died long before the invention of the firearm.”
At the door of the cabin the man Spock had slowly come to realize was Jim Kirk was laughing. His curled greying hair was falling into his face and his eyes, his hazel eyes, were warm, full of love and life.
Spock was left truly wondering if he was going crazy.
Afterwards he sought physical intimacy with Nyota, seeking to forget the visions that would not leave him.
***
They had made it back to Earth in one piece. Granted a few of those pieces were a bit cracked, but Scotty was working on it and they had survived. Now with the paperwork almost finished and weary officers and enlisted alike counting down the days till shore leave the last round of physicals before final departure began.
In sickbay Nyota sat in one of the exam rooms and waited for her results. She kept her eyes on the floor, still desperately hoping that Doctor McCoy would tell her she was wrong about what she was sure was happening to her.
She didn’t look up as the door slid back.
“I suppose congratulations are in order.”
“It came back positive?” she asked, her voice hollow.
“Yes, you’re four weeks pregnant on the dot.”
What neither of them knew was that Jim was waiting just outside the door. Nurse Chapel had checked him over and had discovered the pregnancy at long last. Not that Jim was doing a very good job of hiding it now that his stomach was starting to pop out. Still he had begged her to keep it quiet. That he would tell Bones right away. He had gone to do just that. Not only because regulations were now forcing him to, but because he was ready, desperate really, to tell someone about his situation. He had heard the whole thing.
Jim felt the world grow cold at McCoy’s words and he stumbled back against the nearest wall as he suddenly became dizzy and his head started to pound. That was it then, it was final. Spock wasn’t his anymore. Spock would never be his again, not with another baby on the way. Not with them so perfect for each other. Jim had seen how much time they spent together off-duty. From the lack of soft footfalls that Jim used to be able to hear through the bathroom he and Spock shared he knew where Spock was spending his nights.
Biting his lip to distract himself from the desperate need to cry Jim stumbled back to his quarters. He stuffed a few items into a bag, and stormed off to the transporter room. He was ready to wash his hands of all of this, his career, Starfleet, and everyone else be damned. He pressed a hand to his stomach as he felt the fluttering of the baby. Oh, how would he even begin to explain all this to her and-
Jim stopped thinking as he rounded the final corner and collided with the person who was the very centre of his black hole of a life.
“My apologies, Captain.”
“It’s all right, Spock, I should have been watching where I was going.”
Jim kept his hand on his stomach as he looked at Spock. He wondered if Spock would be able to sense the baby now if he touched him. He wondered if Spock would learn about their bond when he tried to bond with Nyota. Did Spock already know about the bond and not want to find out how it came to be? Thinking that he would never logically bond with someone who couldn’t commit like Jim Kirk? Who even now was running away from his career and his personal life? Frank was right he really was a screw up nobody.
“Captain, is something wrong?”
Jim closed his eyes at that question. It would be easier to answer what right in his life: nothing. He sighed and ran a hand through his hair.
“Sorry I’m-I’m just not handling things well right now. I’m sure you’ve already made a note of it in your evaluations of me so if you’ll excuse-”
“J-Captain, if I gave you the impression that I did not think you capable during our last conversation I wish to apologize. It was merely a comment of what I perceived of your personal life. From your logs and you dedication to duty I have witnessed in the time since my accident I know you are a disciplined officer and fine commander of this crew. It has been an honour to serve with you.”
“Thank you,” Jim said and then reached out and clasped Spock’s shoulder. “Good luck, Spock, I hope you’re happy with her.”
He turned away and went into the transporter room, to find a new life somewhere else. In doing so Jim had missed the rest of the conversation in sickbay though.
***
Nyota dissolved into tears and started shaking.
“No, no this wasn’t supposed to happen!”
McCoy rushed to her and held her shoulders.
“Lieutenant…Nyota, I can see this wasn’t planned-“
“You’re damn right it wasn’t!” she yelled at him.
“Nyota, take a few deep breathes with me.”
He breathed in and out and after glaring at him soundly she followed suit, slowly relaxing at least a bit.
“Better?” he asked.
“I guess.”
“Look we’ve all been under a lot of stress lately with the end of the mission and nothing has to be decided right this second. You have lots of options, take as much time as you need and think about it. Whatever you decide you let me know and I’ll help you through it, all right?”
She nodded.
“All right.”
***
A cold fog had descended over San Francisco, heralding the coming of winter, and the return of the Enterprise. Spock Prime, known to most as Selek, sat in a chair in his new residence. Well it was not truly new to him, and he had filled with many items to make seem even less so. Several familiar paintings and antiques hung on the walls. A half-finished game of chess was on a small table in the bedroom. A well-used deck of playing cards sat out on one end of the dining room table. To him it seemed right to be here once again to be…home.
‘The journey itself is home, Spock, you know that.’
‘Of course, T’hy’la, but in this world such domesticity is comforting.’
A wave of amusement flowed over his mind.
‘I still can’t believe he managed to convince you to take up knitting.’
Another voice spoke up then.
‘I’ll have you know that it improves hand eye coordination and fine motor control; besides nothing beats handmade stuff, and that quilt’s gonna like dandy when it’s done.’
Spock focused outward again and looked up at the sky, where the stars had already faded.
‘They’ll just have arrived, Spock, and you’ve said yourself that you should limit contact with them to avoid altering things further.’
‘I know, Jim, but still I wish to see them before they leave again.’
‘You really think they’ll go out again that quickly?’
‘They are different from us, Leonard. Younger, and in a different frame of mind than we were at the same time in our lives.’
‘So, the other you isn’t going to do something stupid like run away from his problems you mean?’
‘Events being as they are, that is highly unlikely.’
Spock was jolted from his thoughts by the buzz of the doorbell. Putting down his knitting project he went and answered the door. He had to work hard to keep his jaw from hanging open as the door slid back to reveal Jim Kirk standing outside, a travel bag on his arm.
Somewhere in the recesses of his mind Doctor McCoy was laughing.
“I’m sorry. I learned you were on Earth and I just thought…I mean I need-I’d like to…I’ll just go.”
As Jim turned to go Spock Prime grabbed his arm and pulled him inside.
Jim didn’t fight it as his need for contact overwhelmed him and he latched onto the Vulcan. The elder Spock returned the desperate embrace, but then stilled when he felt movement against his stomach.
He looked down, noticing the roundness of his young friend.
“Jim, you are expecting.”
“Yeah, you-you know I was so happy at first, but now I wish…I wish I wasn’t having it!”
Jim buried his face against his old friend’s neck and, though he felt like he didn’t have any tears left, cried once again.
***
Down in the virtually deserted engineering section of the Enterprise Nyota sat on a large water pipe and contemplated her future. She was pregnant. Within her a chance to continue the Vulcan race was growing. The problem was that Nyota didn’t want it. It would be a permanent tie to a relationship that simply wasn’t working. Spock had changed yes, but four years had been a long time for her too. She had changed, grown more confident in herself, become more sure of what she wanted out of life. Cadet Uhura had seen Spock as an alluring mystery, a strong dark enigma to be unravelled. It had been a fantasy really, but now she knew it wasn’t what she wanted in a long term relationship. Even with Spock more open now it wasn’t enough for her.
“Nyota?”
She jumped as she felt a hand on her shoulder. She turned to meet the concerned gaze of the chief engineer.
“Sorry, Scotty, I thought this section was empty.”
“It’s all right I was just making some last minute rounds, you know me.”
She nodded and went back to staring at nothing.
“Lassie, are you all right?”
“No,” she answered hollowly.
“Is there something I could do for you?”
“No, it’s personal.”
Scotty frowned. “Well…well still, Nyota, I hate to see you like this. You know we have a few free hours before the debriefings start. Len and I were going to go out and grab a few drinks, would you like to join us?”
Nyota glared at the floor bitterly.
“I can’t drink.”
“Ya don’t have to. You could come with us…just to be with friends. I’ll even buy sandwiches for us all afterwards.”
Nyota finally managed to smile at him. “I’d like that.”
***
Spock sat in his quarters trying to enter the proper meditation layers, to centre himself from the news Nyota had given him. She was pregnant. They were going to have a child together. He would be able to carry on his family line. There would be young blood to teach Vulcan culture to. Even by Vulcan standards this should have been a joyous occasion. It should have been…not this. Instead of being elated Spock instead felt as though he was being trapped into something wrong. Further hampering things was Captain Kirk. Though Spock was certain that he had not done it deliberately. Spock could remember that Jim did routinely engage in physical contact. Spock rubbed the shoulder where Jim had squeezed him. It should mean nothing and yet Spock found that he craved that touch again. Even his mind seemed to be reaching out for Jim.
Closing his eyes Spock breathed in deeply and focused on that desire. He found it seemed to be connected to a small area beyond his shields. Slowly Spock broke down the mental walls that he had built up and steeled himself for the pain of dealing with so many broken links…but there was none.
Spock realized then something that he should have long ago. Those links with the Vulcans who had died on the planet had had over four years to heal. That was why his defenses had been down when he had woken from the accident. Such strong shields were unnecessary. Moving slow over the bonds that had scared over Spock looked for the area that seemed to be drawn to Jim.
After a while he found what he was looking for. To Spock’s surprise it was nothing of malice, it was a bond, shrivelled from lack of use, but the one it connected to still lived. Carefully Spock inspected the withered gold strand. As he did Spock was meet with a mental form with passionate blue eyes, and then the dam that had surrounded his memories suddenly burst and images rushed forth.
They were stranded on a planet. A sudden storm had cut off communications and separated the landing party. They had taken shelter in a cave. As the rain poured down outside Jim tried to get the communicators working. Meanwhile Spock sat by the small fire they had built and shivered.
Jim noticed his distress.
“Spock, are you all right?”
He had been denying it for days, now it was too late.
“No.”
“What’s wrong? Can I help?”
“No…there is nothing anyone can do. It was not supposed to happen now. It’s-it’s too soon.”
He shivered violently. Jim wrapped his arms around Spock, letting him share his body heat.
“Easy, Spock I’ve got you.”
“No…you must leave me, Jim. You are in danger here.”
“If you think I’m leaving you like this you really are nuts. Spock, just tell me what you need. I’ll do anything I can to help all right?”
“No, no you don’t understand what you are offering.”
Jim grabbed Spock’s wrist and put his hand against his face.
“So help me understand.”
Spock spread his fingers properly to the meld points and granted Jim’s request. In instant lust, desire, longing rushed forth. Minds intertwined and linked, clothing was shed, limbs circled each other’s as mouths sought each other hungrily.
When the morning sunlight flooded the cave it illuminated Jim and Spock, naked as the day they were born, and still holding each close.
Jim smirked. “I didn’t think a virgin would be that good.”
Spock turned away from him, and Jim felt like a heel.
“Spock, I didn’t mean it like that. I’m just surprised you knew how to turn me on.”
“We are bonded. Such thoughts are easily accessible if you don’t shield.”
Jim reached an arm around Spock and rolled him back so he could look into his eyes.
“Do you want me to shield?”
“No.”
“Good, ‘cause I don’t want you to shield either. I don’t regret what happened here, Spock, but if you don’t want to tell the rest of the crew right now we won’t.”
Spock kissed him softly.
“Later, Jim. Our bond is something to be cherished and celebrated…just not with the others yet.”
“Okay.”
Spock saw he and Jim spending nights stealing glances at each other over games of chess; keeping watch over each other in sickbay; slaking physical desires that had continued past the Pon Farr.
Then he saw that that love making had achieved something else.
“I’m going to be a dad,” Jim said, as he held up the small white stick.
Spock pulled them into bed at that announcement, rubbing his hands over Jim’s stomach.
“We should inform the crew, Jim…”
“We’ll tell them tomorrow.”
Spock came back to reality covered in sweat and panting on the floor, tears escaping down his cheeks.
“T’hy’la.”
***
Spock Prime sat on his bed with Jim Kirk besides him, sniffling miserably into his shoulder. Spock did his best to provide comfort to his young friend, while ignoring the throb at the back of his head.
‘You’re going to give him a headache, Jim.’
‘What do you expect me to do, Bones! Just sit here while he is sitting with him, with those innocent baby blue eyes.’
‘You don’t like blue eyes, Jim-boy? Well I think I’ve just been insulted.’
‘You stay out of this!’
‘Both of you stay out of this,’ Spock thought and turned his attention to the young man in his arms.
“I grieve for your loss, Jim.”
Jim wiped his eyes and looked at him.
“Thanks. I’m sorry about all…this.”
“It is quite all right you we’re obviously in great distress. What will you do now?”
“I don’t know. I didn’t really plan this beyond getting off the ship.” He thought for a moment. “I could stay with you. I could say the child is yours, who’s going to know right?”
Spock Prime squeezed his friend’s shoulder. “You flatter me, but you will know, Jim. I am not the Spock you love. I could not be that with you even if you wished it.”
“That’s because Bones isn’t here right?”
Spock Prime stiffened.
“I beg your pardon?”
Jim actually blushed “I-I’ve seen you from your own time, you were with your Kirk and him too.”
Spock Prime found himself at a loss for words. He had thought he’d kept far better control than that on Delta Vega.
“H-how much have you seen?” he queried finally.
Jim shrugged and looked down at the floor. “I don’t know, lots of stuff, different ages, and events. I can see why you liked him; he looks really good with blue eyes.”
‘Oh, he is just like you, Jim. He’s cute and a shameless flatterer.’
Spock Prime lifted one hand and cupped Jim’s chin to look at him properly.
“I am so terribly sorry, Jim. I never should have melded with you then, my mind was too scattered at that time to do so safely. It is true I was with them then, and they are still with me now. That is how you have seen so much of our lives. For you see…I hold their katras.”
“Their what?”
“All that is not of the body, humans describe it as their souls.”
Jim let his mouth open and close like a fish, before he managed to mutter a word out.
“Bullshit.”
Suddenly there was a distinct shift in the Vulcan. He moved away from Jim slightly and the voice was different when he spoke again.
“You know I don’t think I ever swore so much at your age.”
Jim yelped and scrambled back against the bed pining himself up the pillows.
“Sorry, forgotten that can be jarring for others.”
Jim let his jaw hang open, just staring at him.
“You-you’re me?”
Kirk nodded “In another time and place, as it were.”
“Wow! So-so wait what did you do? Possess him?”
“In a manner of speaking, his aware of everything we’re saying though.”
“So he’s okay isn’t he?”
Kirk smiled.
“Oh, yes it’s perfectly safe for us. We have been like this for a long time.”
Jim stared at him his heart still racing and his breathing heavy.
“You shouldn’t get so worked up in your condition you know.”
Jim tilted his head curiously. He hadn’t been sure the first time, the change was minimal and Jim blamed it on a trick of the light, but now he could see it plainly. The eyes staring back at him were now blue enough to rival his own; and so Jim actually smiled.
“Hey, Bones.”
McCoy chuckled. It was weird hearing that from a Vulcan and yet for some strange reason it was also…right for him.
“Nice to see you too, Jim-boy.”
He reached into a drawer and pulled out a tricorder.
“I make him keep one with him at all times,” he said and turned it on.
Jim reminded still as he was checked over. McCoy stopped before checking the readings, admiring his hands.
“Sorry I’ll never quite get used to doing it like this,” he said, before turning his attention back to the readouts. “Well after everything you’ve been going through you’re in good shape. The kid’s a proper size, but you could stand to put on a bit more weight and take in more nutrients.”
“You’re a lot kinder about this than my Bones.”
McCoy shrugged. “I’ve been at it longer.”
He gently placed one hand on top of Jim’s hand.
“You’re welcome to stay you know. It’s been a long time since we’ve had anyone but ourselves and the mirrors to talk to.”
***
McCoy stared as Spock in disbelief. The Vulcan had come rushing into meeting room ten minutes late, only to stop short as he looked frantically around the room.
“Where is Jim?”
“He’s not with you?” McCoy asked. “Since you were both late we thought you two were having some kind of meeting.”
“No, the last time I saw him he was going to the transporter room yesterday. I assumed he was meeting with you.”
“No, I haven’t seen him since yesterday morning.”
McCoy glanced around the room, suddenly growing concerned.
“Has anyone seen him?”
All the others in the room shook their heads.
“He must be located, Doctor McCoy, his physical condition is compromised.”
McCoy frowned and folded his arms across his chest “And just how would you know that?”
“My memories have returned. Before the accident Jim told me of a condition that has gone unchecked since then…he is pregnant.”
“He’s what!?” McCoy bellowed.
“I will confirm Commander’s Spock’s statement,” Christine said, standing up and handing her PADD to McCoy. “It was added to the Captain’s medical record just yesterday, he was supposed to inform you, sir.”
McCoy took the PADD and quickly looked over the readouts.
Meanwhile Nyota looked at Spock curiously. Why would Spock be so knowledgeable about Kirk’s personal life?
“Well then who the hell is the other father?” McCoy asked.
Spock lowered his head. “I am,” he replied softly.
“What!?” McCoy yelled, dropping the PADD and slamming his hands against the table.
“He is my bondmate.”
Nyota got up from her chair and went up to Spock.
“Tell me it’s not true,” she whispered.
“It’s true.”
She didn’t manage to hold back a sob before she slapped him and ran out of the room. Spock let her go and looked at McCoy.
“We must find him, Doctor.”
***
As his crew began an all-out search for him Jim remained blissfully unaware of the panic he had caused and settled into Spock Prime’s home in San Francisco; and he slowly adjusted to having three people living in the same body.
He had just finished setting the table for dinner nearly a week into his stay when the door chimed.
“I’ll get it!” Jim called out, and went to the door.
The door slid back and Jim gasped as he saw his best friend standing outside. He was even more shocked though when McCoy flung himself through the door and hugged him.
“Jim, I am so sorry!”
“Bones, what are you doing here? And what the hell are you sorry about? You didn’t do-“
“I asked you to sit on your ass while your husband screwed someone else! You should hate me!”
“I don’t, Bones, I mean you didn’t know-wait! How do you know that?!”
“Spock told me. He-he remembers, Jim.”
Jim gasped. Just like that the world was as it should be again. Spock knew everything once more. He knew what they were. Jim’s hand flew to his stomach, he remembered the baby.
“I need to sit down.”
McCoy quickly guided him the couch. Spock Prime came out the kitchen and helped him, taking a seat in a nearby chair.
“You all right?” McCoy asked.
“Yeah…Bones, I’m sorry about all this,” Jim said while rubbing his stomach. “We were going to tell you the day-the day the accident happened.”
“I know he told me.” He sighed. “I wish you had told me anyway, Jim. I mean you’ve been dealing with that, and Spock, who has been a real asshole sometimes, and the ship, and the paperwork, and… please tell me someone besides Christine has checked you!”
“Yeah, he did,” Jim said, jerking his thumb in Spock Prime’s direction.
“Oh, really?” he asked sarcastically.
“He’s trained, Bones. Well a part of him is anyway…it’s a long story.”
McCoy folded his arms across his chest and leaned back on the couch.
“I’ve got time.”
The elder Vulcan just quirked an eyebrow at him.
“Right, right, later. Should I let Spock know you’re here, Jim?”
“Yeah, he’ll-he’ll be worried.”
***
Spock rushed over when McCoy informed him that he had found Jim, and Nyota came with him. She was angry at Spock, but after all this time Jim was her friend too and she wanted to make sure he was all right.
They came in to find Jim hiding away in the bedroom and Spock Prime, sporting a Southern accent, in a heated conversation with McCoy. In desperate need of some air Nyota went out to the balcony. Spock went out after her as she stood there silently, gazing at the water.
“Nyota, may I speak with you?”
She turned to him and let Spock walk closer. She sighed and started rubbing the cheek she had hit softly.
“I’m so sorry, Spock, I shouldn’t have done that. It’s not like you knew you were already committed to Jim. If there is anyone who should be getting slapped it’s me! You’re bonded to him and I stole you away!”
“No, you were right to act as you did, and you did not steal me, Nyota. I knew there was something that called to me, but I ignored it. I went to you to forget what the bond was trying to tell me. I had no right to demand any of this of you.”
“I agreed to it, Spock, I entered this hell of me own free will…that really wasn’t the best choice of words. I have enjoyed being with you, Spock, really. It’s just…”
Spock squeezed her hand.
“I do care for you, Nyota, you must know that.”
“I know and I care for you too…as a friend.”
Spock tilted his head down to stare at the floor.
“You were right from the beginning. It is what we are best as.”
She nodded, but one hand went to her stomach.
“It won’t be that simple now.”
Spock’s other hand reached over and covered her own.
“You are unhappy about the pregnancy, even before this.”
Nyota turned away from him once again, and gripped the railing tightly.
“I want don’t to be a mother, Spock, not now, maybe not ever.”
“If that is what you wish I will not deny you it.”
“I can’t…your people need young life, Spock. I can’t take that away from them, from you.”
Spock came close to her again; slowly turning Nyota to face him, and brushing a strand of hair away from her face.
“I’m so terribly sorry. It was never my intention to make you feel obligated, Nyota. Yes, I believe that all life should be given a chance, but it is not I who carry the child, and so it is not my choice to make.”
“You would hate me if I-“
In a bold move Spock pressed Nyota against him, letting her rest her head against his shoulder.
“I could never hate someone that I cherish so much. Who helped me so much these last few weeks, and who I have unintentionally hurt.”
Nyota was warmed by his gesture, but even now it wouldn’t change things. Spock needed to be with Jim and she needed to figure her next step in all this.
“Let me think about it and go to him.”
***
Spock did as Nyota said and entered the bedroom, practically tip toeing over to the still figure sitting on the bed.
“Jim.”
“Hey.”
Jim patted the bed and Spock sat down beside him. For several minutes Spock said nothing, what did one say in moment like this one?
“So, you going to talk to me?” Jim asked.
“What can I possibly say that would not be…inadequate?”
“You could say I still have a chance with you. That you’ll still be here for the baby.”
At that Spock grabbed Jim and pulled him into a desperate hug.
“Or you could do that.”
“I’m sorry, Jim, I am so terribly sorry.”
“Don’t be, Spock, you didn’t know-“
“I knew there was something missing, but rather than look for it, for you, I filled that space with another.”
“Hey you woke up to a world you pretty much didn’t know. Of course you would want someone who was familiar.”
“That is no excuse. If I had not wished our relationship to be unknown others would have informed me of who was familiar to me. I was the one who didn’t want our relationship known beforehand. Had even one other person been aware of what we had you would not have felt so alone.”
“No, Spock, it wasn’t just you. I liked having ‘us’ all to myself at first and after…I guess it felt like I wasn’t as strong as I thought I was if I couldn’t deal with all of it on my own. And you know who I go to when I need support.”
“I am grateful he has been here for you, as he always is.”
Spock tensed and forced the next words out of his mouth.
“Jim, if-if you wish to remain with him instead, I understand.”
Jim shook his head, then leaned in and kissed Spock. He smiled and he pulled back and pulled Spock’s hand toward him, letting it curl against his stomach.
“He has what he needs…and now so do I.”
Jim suddenly winced and rubbed at his forehead.
“Are you all right?”
“Yeah, it’s just always like that these days.”
Spock nodded in understanding.
“Our child is attempting to bond with you, Jim, it is a normal response.”
“Daughter, it’s a girl, Spock.”
Spock nodded and raised his hand to Jim’s face. “Our daughter wishes to know you fully. If you permit me I can help you to complete her bond, Jim.”
“Please.”
Spock put his fingers to those familiar meld points and he eased them lightly into a meld. As Jim let his mind entwined with Spock’s he totally relaxed for the first time in weeks. His was home again.
I’ve missed you so much Spock.
I know, Jim.
Then they turned their attention to the new addition to the meld. A tiny presence that ‘saw’ the world with wonder and curiosity.
Hi there we’re your daddies.
***
Nyota watched as Jim and Spock came out of the bedroom and she knew they were going to be all right. And after having some time to think about everything she was beginning to think that she was going to be okay too after all; if they accepted her offer.
“Jim, Spock, I have a question for you two, you don’t have to answer right now, but I’d just like to ask you now anyway.”
“You can ask us anything, Uhura,” Jim said.
“You two were planning on having a family before all of this happened. So, if I have this baby, would you want to raise him?”
Jim came up to her slowly and hugged her gently.
“We would be honoured…Nyota.”
“Thank you,” she said and hugged him back.
“But, Spock, what about her bond with the baby?” Jim asked when he pulled back.
“If you truly wish us to raise this child, Nyota the bond should be transferred, or at least split between the three of us. Unfortunately I am not skilled enough in the mental arts to perform that.”
Spock Prime put a hand on Nyota’s shoulder and looked at her kindly.
“I am familiar with such bonds, Miss Uhura. I can help you and them when the time is right if you will permit me.”
She smiled at him.
“Of course I will, and thank you so much.”
‘Well, with two pointed-ear hobgoblins on the way you’re going to have to learn to knit faster, Spock.’
The End
Rating: PG-13
Warnings:mpreg, implied character death
Pairings: Kirk/Spock, Spock/Uhura, Kirk Prime/Spock Prime/McCoy Prime
Disclaimer: I own nothing of the new movie or the old universe it inspired.
Summary: Spock and Jim are a couple, but they haven't told the crew. So when an accident gives Spock amnesia and he starts dating Uhura again no one thinks its a problem. Jim does his best to move on, but it's made all the more difficult by his recently discovered pregnancy.
We Are All Innocent
The Enterprise was experiencing a quiet gamma shift. With nothing to divert their attention Jim and Spock had taken the opportunity to indulge themselves. They had the lights dimmed in their quarters and they were cuddled close together under the covers. Spock’s hands rubbing along Jim’s stomach.
“Spock, even you can’t sense anything yet,” Jim said softly. They had only just discovered the pregnancy.
Spock stroked his mate’s stomach one last time and then leaned over and kissed his cheek.
“I know, T’hy’la, I merely enjoy it.”
Jim smiled. Spock saying he enjoyed something, they had certainly come a long way in the last five years hadn’t they? Jim wrapped his arms tighter around Spock and tucked his head under his chin, totally content.
“We should inform the crew, Jim. Doctor McCoy at least will want to begin monitoring you.”
Jim knew he was right, it was beyond time they told people about their relationship. They hadn’t even told anyone on the ship they were bonded. Spock hadn’t wanted anyone to know at first and Jim couldn’t blame him. Putting ‘the Captain and First Officer are now legally married under Vulcan law, because of an away mission in a cave where something deeply personal to Vulcans, that his older self from an alternate universe told him wouldn’t happen until he was over thirty, came early’ in the weekly meeting memo was just tacky. Also Jim had liked keeping it a secret at first. You shared so much on a starship already, meals, living space, and time that it was really nice to have something that was just his; a special secret that only he and Spock shared. Now though Jim was ready to share his happiness with his friends, his family. Their five year mission was almost over and they were on their way back to Earth to begin refits to the ship. Many of the crew would probably move on to other assignments, other ships, and be scattered across the stars. He wanted to his family to know how happy he was, and how much they all meant to him before that happened.
“We’ll tell them tomorrow.”
If Jim had known how much the events of the next day would change everything he never would have uttered those words.
***
Jim paced about sickbay, glancing at the door to surgery that still remained firmly closed. How could this have happened? They were only a few weeks away from Earth! It was a simple stop over for a run of the mill planet survey. Spock’s team was experienced, the planet was uninhabited by anything more hostile than a fruit fly, and-and…
Jim turned as the door slid open and McCoy came out, his medical tunic still spotted with green blood.
“Bones! How is he?”
McCoy put his hands on Jim’s shoulders.
“He’s stable and the swelling will go down in the next couple of hours. Until then I can’t tell if there’s been any permanent brain damage.”
Jim nodded and tried to remember to breathe.
“Can I sit with him?”
“Sure.”
He dashed through the door and gasped at the pale figure on the bed. With trembling hands he sat down in a chair, and took his husband’s hand. He knew that the bond was faded with Spock’s unconscious state, but Jim pushed through good thoughts just in case.
‘I’m here, Spock, I’m here.’
Normally he would have ignored everything and focused on Spock, but there was still the baby to consider, and so Jim took the glass of water and plate of food that Chapel brought later and ate everything. Reminding himself that Spock would worry if he didn’t take care of himself and that wouldn’t help him get better.
Chapel had just come in to take the tray when Spock shifted abruptly and his eyes fluttered open.
“Spock,” Jim said, and stood up from the chair to hug him, not caring that Nurse Chapel was still in the room. They were going to tell everybody anyway.
“Captain.”
Jim froze mid-motion. His tone was clipped and closed. It wasn’t like Spock at all.
Before Jim could do anything though Nurse Chapel stepped in and took over.
“Commander Spock, do you remember what happened?”
“There was an accident. Ensign Munro triggered a minor rock slide.”
Chapel frowned, Spock had gotten Munro’s rank wrong. Before she could investigate that though McCoy came in and the questions continued.
“How do you feel?”
“Vulcans do not-“
“Spare me the crap, Spock, you know me better than this by now, now out with it.”
Spock slowly described his physical state as McCoy confirmed that with his scanner. At first glance all was as it should be, but Jim knew something just wasn’t right. The bond was still clouded and Spock just didn’t sound like his Spock.
“Spock, can you tell me what the stardate is?”
“2259.42.”
Jim gasped as the whole world seemed to collapse in front of him; four and half years gone. Everything that made them, them was gone.
“Bones, I-I need-“
“My office is empty.”
Jim bolted from the room and into McCoy’s office next door. Fighting down the need to be sick all over his friend’s desk he sat down breathing hard. It was okay, he told himself. Everything was going to be okay. Bones would fix it.
The minutes ticked by slowly and Jim curled up further in the chair as the bond went from being clouded to fully blocked by Spock.
After a painfully long hour McCoy came in. “Post-traumatic retrograde amnesia,” he announced.
“Oh, god.”
McCoy reached out and squeezed Jim’s shoulder.
“Jim, I know this is hard.”
You don’t know the half of it, Jim thought, letting his hand curl over his stomach.
“Is there anything you can do?”
McCoy shook his head.
“There had been some experiential treatments, but nothing has been approved. Even if they were it’d only be for human use, not Vulcan.”
“W-What if I told him who he is or-or melded with him-there must be something we can do!”
“Jim, calm down.”
Jim did his best to do that before Bones started offering brandy, which he can’t drink because of the baby.
“Look we can’t just dump all this on him. He’s lost over four years of memories. He changed during the mission, we all have. He might decide he doesn’t like the person you tell him he’s become and reject what you’re trying to tell him, and that will just slow down the process of recovery.”
“Isn’t there anything I can do to help him?”
“The best thing I can suggest, Jim, is to go slow. Show him that you can be a good friend, like you did before. It might help his memories return, and if it doesn’t well then he’ll still be your friend again, and that counts for something right?”
I don’t want a friend, I want my t’hy’la, Jim thought miserably, and pushed against a bond that remained firmly closed.
***
Spock was released from sickbay not long after the accident and immediately went to his quarters to meditate. It helped him to centre himself. He reinforced his shields, still uncertain as to why they had been so weak when he had first woken up, a side effect of his injury perhaps.
Afterwards he turned his attention to his computer. As he went through the log entries and reports, catching up on all he had now missed and hoping it might trigger some recollections he began to…feel that something was wrong. Well not wrong per say, but missing. That someone should be here telling him not to work so hard. Spock sat back in his chair and contemplated it, arriving at an answer: Nyota. They had been together in the time his mind believed it to be, perhaps they still were.
With that though in mind Spock got up and went to her cabin.
“Come in,” she called as he hit the buzzer.
Spock went into her cabin to find her at her desk a PADD in her hands.
“Oh, Spock, everyone’s been so worried about you. How are you?”
“I am physically well, but I have a question.”
“Anything.”
“Are we still engaged in a romantic relationship?”
Her eyes widened, but after a moment she shook her head.
“No.”
“May I ask why not? We are compatible, Nyota.”
“On paper you’re right, but real life doesn’t work quite like that we…it simply ran its course.”
“I see.”
He bowed his head and turned to leave.
“Spock, wait!”
She reached on impulse and grabbed his wrist.
“Is there something else I can do for you, is there anything you need?”
He needs his memories, but more than that he yearns for…
“Companionship.”
Nyota thought about how all this must have felt for Spock. To just wake up and realize that the world wasn’t the one you thought you knew. How everyone must be staring at him, not sure what to say or do. How isolating that had to be. He needed something familiar. Nyota knew he wasn’t the same man he had been at the start of the mission, whether he remembered that or not. Perhaps they could make it work this time. It wasn’t like he was seeing anyone, and neither was she, no one would be hurt by it.
“All right, Spock, if-if it really means that much to you we can try again.”
“Thank you, Nyota.”
Four doors down Jim hugged Spock’s pillow tightly to his chest and cried.
***
As the Enterprise continued its trip back to Earth Jim tried to do what Bones said. He sat with Spock at breakfast. When he made the rounds around the bridge he lingered next to Spock as he scanned space. After ever shift he invited Spock to play chess with him. After the fifth attempt Spock agreed. When he did Jim had them meet in the observation lounge. It was less crowded than the rec rooms, and Jim liked getting Spock and him mostly alone and close together, thinking that the slightest contact would bring it all back for him.
In the end it all backfired.
Jim had gently brushed his fingertips against Spock’s as he reached for a chess piece and Spock glared at him and shoved his chair back. Spock stood up and icily told Jim that he did not appreciate such contact that was clearly being made to make him nothing more than a conquest in a no doubt long line of lovers that had come before. Then Spock informed Jim that he was with Nyota.
As he turned on his heel and left Jim alone at the table Jim was forced to admit that this wasn’t some old romance film. There wouldn’t be one special moment that would bring everything back for Spock, where they would run into each other’s arms and go off into their happily ever after. This was the real world and in the real world Jim Kirk always got the short end of the stick.
In response Jim threw himself into work. He was the first one to the bridge every morning and the last one to leave at the end of alpha shift. Afterwards he would lock himself in his quarters and fill out reports. Or do crew member evaluations or just try to read one page of a book fives time and remember nothing. Anything was better than focusing on what he no longer had.
That made nights the hardest though. Lying in bed and staring at the empty space beside him. Focusing on the wall was no better as the small selves held several pieces of Vulcan artwork. Really they were all memories of a life that only Jim knew of now and they hurt so much to think about, but luckily Jim had other memories, lots and lots of memories. A lifetime of memories from another universe, a universe where his father died a man of late middle age, after getting to see him grow up. Where his crew remained a family, and where Spock was always by his side. So, when exhaustion finally forced him into bed Jim curled his body around Spock’s pillow, even though the scent was starting to fade, and retreated into that other world.
In the sparsely filled cabin next to Jim’s Spock was having strange dreams. At first he thought they were memories, especially when one of the first ones was of him and Nyota on the bridge.
“Mr. Spock, sometimes I think if I hear that word frequency once more I’ll cry.”
“Cry?”
Nyota’s hair was different, but several years had gone by, and changing hair styles was highly common.
“I was just trying to start a conversation.”
“Well, since it is illogical for a communications officer to resent the word frequency, I have no answer.”
“No, you have an answer. I’m illogical woman, who’s beginning to feel too much a part of the communications console.”
Nyota leaned forward.
“Why don’t you tell me I’m an attractive young lady, or ask me if I’ve ever been in love?”
As he studied the memory though he quickly realized that it was wrong. The uniform colours, shades really, were different.
“Tell me how your planet, Vulcan, looks on a lazy evening when the moon is full.”
They talked as if they were comrades not partners.
“Vulcan has no moon, Miss Uhura.”
“I’m not surprised, Mr. Spock.”
They talked as if Vulcan was not gone.
Other…visions he supposed, did not contain him at all and so they couldn’t be memories.
“You’re suffering from a Vulcan mind meld, Doctor.”
“That green blooded son of a bitch. It’s his revenge for all those arguments he lost!”
Furthermore he and his shipmates were all older in many of the visions than they were now, and that obviously had no logical rational. None of it made any sense to Spock.
Spock sat up in his bed his mind reeling from the latest one.
Doctor McCoy was standing on the stairs of what appeared to be a wooden cabin. He was dressed in a red and gold bathrobe, his hair sticking out at all angles, and glaring at a large breed of dog barking as it ran by him.
“Whoever invented dogs should be drug out into the street and shot!”
The older version of himself poked his head out of the kitchen.
“That would be quite impossible, Doctor, as the humans who domesticated wolves died long before the invention of the firearm.”
At the door of the cabin the man Spock had slowly come to realize was Jim Kirk was laughing. His curled greying hair was falling into his face and his eyes, his hazel eyes, were warm, full of love and life.
Spock was left truly wondering if he was going crazy.
Afterwards he sought physical intimacy with Nyota, seeking to forget the visions that would not leave him.
***
They had made it back to Earth in one piece. Granted a few of those pieces were a bit cracked, but Scotty was working on it and they had survived. Now with the paperwork almost finished and weary officers and enlisted alike counting down the days till shore leave the last round of physicals before final departure began.
In sickbay Nyota sat in one of the exam rooms and waited for her results. She kept her eyes on the floor, still desperately hoping that Doctor McCoy would tell her she was wrong about what she was sure was happening to her.
She didn’t look up as the door slid back.
“I suppose congratulations are in order.”
“It came back positive?” she asked, her voice hollow.
“Yes, you’re four weeks pregnant on the dot.”
What neither of them knew was that Jim was waiting just outside the door. Nurse Chapel had checked him over and had discovered the pregnancy at long last. Not that Jim was doing a very good job of hiding it now that his stomach was starting to pop out. Still he had begged her to keep it quiet. That he would tell Bones right away. He had gone to do just that. Not only because regulations were now forcing him to, but because he was ready, desperate really, to tell someone about his situation. He had heard the whole thing.
Jim felt the world grow cold at McCoy’s words and he stumbled back against the nearest wall as he suddenly became dizzy and his head started to pound. That was it then, it was final. Spock wasn’t his anymore. Spock would never be his again, not with another baby on the way. Not with them so perfect for each other. Jim had seen how much time they spent together off-duty. From the lack of soft footfalls that Jim used to be able to hear through the bathroom he and Spock shared he knew where Spock was spending his nights.
Biting his lip to distract himself from the desperate need to cry Jim stumbled back to his quarters. He stuffed a few items into a bag, and stormed off to the transporter room. He was ready to wash his hands of all of this, his career, Starfleet, and everyone else be damned. He pressed a hand to his stomach as he felt the fluttering of the baby. Oh, how would he even begin to explain all this to her and-
Jim stopped thinking as he rounded the final corner and collided with the person who was the very centre of his black hole of a life.
“My apologies, Captain.”
“It’s all right, Spock, I should have been watching where I was going.”
Jim kept his hand on his stomach as he looked at Spock. He wondered if Spock would be able to sense the baby now if he touched him. He wondered if Spock would learn about their bond when he tried to bond with Nyota. Did Spock already know about the bond and not want to find out how it came to be? Thinking that he would never logically bond with someone who couldn’t commit like Jim Kirk? Who even now was running away from his career and his personal life? Frank was right he really was a screw up nobody.
“Captain, is something wrong?”
Jim closed his eyes at that question. It would be easier to answer what right in his life: nothing. He sighed and ran a hand through his hair.
“Sorry I’m-I’m just not handling things well right now. I’m sure you’ve already made a note of it in your evaluations of me so if you’ll excuse-”
“J-Captain, if I gave you the impression that I did not think you capable during our last conversation I wish to apologize. It was merely a comment of what I perceived of your personal life. From your logs and you dedication to duty I have witnessed in the time since my accident I know you are a disciplined officer and fine commander of this crew. It has been an honour to serve with you.”
“Thank you,” Jim said and then reached out and clasped Spock’s shoulder. “Good luck, Spock, I hope you’re happy with her.”
He turned away and went into the transporter room, to find a new life somewhere else. In doing so Jim had missed the rest of the conversation in sickbay though.
***
Nyota dissolved into tears and started shaking.
“No, no this wasn’t supposed to happen!”
McCoy rushed to her and held her shoulders.
“Lieutenant…Nyota, I can see this wasn’t planned-“
“You’re damn right it wasn’t!” she yelled at him.
“Nyota, take a few deep breathes with me.”
He breathed in and out and after glaring at him soundly she followed suit, slowly relaxing at least a bit.
“Better?” he asked.
“I guess.”
“Look we’ve all been under a lot of stress lately with the end of the mission and nothing has to be decided right this second. You have lots of options, take as much time as you need and think about it. Whatever you decide you let me know and I’ll help you through it, all right?”
She nodded.
“All right.”
***
A cold fog had descended over San Francisco, heralding the coming of winter, and the return of the Enterprise. Spock Prime, known to most as Selek, sat in a chair in his new residence. Well it was not truly new to him, and he had filled with many items to make seem even less so. Several familiar paintings and antiques hung on the walls. A half-finished game of chess was on a small table in the bedroom. A well-used deck of playing cards sat out on one end of the dining room table. To him it seemed right to be here once again to be…home.
‘The journey itself is home, Spock, you know that.’
‘Of course, T’hy’la, but in this world such domesticity is comforting.’
A wave of amusement flowed over his mind.
‘I still can’t believe he managed to convince you to take up knitting.’
Another voice spoke up then.
‘I’ll have you know that it improves hand eye coordination and fine motor control; besides nothing beats handmade stuff, and that quilt’s gonna like dandy when it’s done.’
Spock focused outward again and looked up at the sky, where the stars had already faded.
‘They’ll just have arrived, Spock, and you’ve said yourself that you should limit contact with them to avoid altering things further.’
‘I know, Jim, but still I wish to see them before they leave again.’
‘You really think they’ll go out again that quickly?’
‘They are different from us, Leonard. Younger, and in a different frame of mind than we were at the same time in our lives.’
‘So, the other you isn’t going to do something stupid like run away from his problems you mean?’
‘Events being as they are, that is highly unlikely.’
Spock was jolted from his thoughts by the buzz of the doorbell. Putting down his knitting project he went and answered the door. He had to work hard to keep his jaw from hanging open as the door slid back to reveal Jim Kirk standing outside, a travel bag on his arm.
Somewhere in the recesses of his mind Doctor McCoy was laughing.
“I’m sorry. I learned you were on Earth and I just thought…I mean I need-I’d like to…I’ll just go.”
As Jim turned to go Spock Prime grabbed his arm and pulled him inside.
Jim didn’t fight it as his need for contact overwhelmed him and he latched onto the Vulcan. The elder Spock returned the desperate embrace, but then stilled when he felt movement against his stomach.
He looked down, noticing the roundness of his young friend.
“Jim, you are expecting.”
“Yeah, you-you know I was so happy at first, but now I wish…I wish I wasn’t having it!”
Jim buried his face against his old friend’s neck and, though he felt like he didn’t have any tears left, cried once again.
***
Down in the virtually deserted engineering section of the Enterprise Nyota sat on a large water pipe and contemplated her future. She was pregnant. Within her a chance to continue the Vulcan race was growing. The problem was that Nyota didn’t want it. It would be a permanent tie to a relationship that simply wasn’t working. Spock had changed yes, but four years had been a long time for her too. She had changed, grown more confident in herself, become more sure of what she wanted out of life. Cadet Uhura had seen Spock as an alluring mystery, a strong dark enigma to be unravelled. It had been a fantasy really, but now she knew it wasn’t what she wanted in a long term relationship. Even with Spock more open now it wasn’t enough for her.
“Nyota?”
She jumped as she felt a hand on her shoulder. She turned to meet the concerned gaze of the chief engineer.
“Sorry, Scotty, I thought this section was empty.”
“It’s all right I was just making some last minute rounds, you know me.”
She nodded and went back to staring at nothing.
“Lassie, are you all right?”
“No,” she answered hollowly.
“Is there something I could do for you?”
“No, it’s personal.”
Scotty frowned. “Well…well still, Nyota, I hate to see you like this. You know we have a few free hours before the debriefings start. Len and I were going to go out and grab a few drinks, would you like to join us?”
Nyota glared at the floor bitterly.
“I can’t drink.”
“Ya don’t have to. You could come with us…just to be with friends. I’ll even buy sandwiches for us all afterwards.”
Nyota finally managed to smile at him. “I’d like that.”
***
Spock sat in his quarters trying to enter the proper meditation layers, to centre himself from the news Nyota had given him. She was pregnant. They were going to have a child together. He would be able to carry on his family line. There would be young blood to teach Vulcan culture to. Even by Vulcan standards this should have been a joyous occasion. It should have been…not this. Instead of being elated Spock instead felt as though he was being trapped into something wrong. Further hampering things was Captain Kirk. Though Spock was certain that he had not done it deliberately. Spock could remember that Jim did routinely engage in physical contact. Spock rubbed the shoulder where Jim had squeezed him. It should mean nothing and yet Spock found that he craved that touch again. Even his mind seemed to be reaching out for Jim.
Closing his eyes Spock breathed in deeply and focused on that desire. He found it seemed to be connected to a small area beyond his shields. Slowly Spock broke down the mental walls that he had built up and steeled himself for the pain of dealing with so many broken links…but there was none.
Spock realized then something that he should have long ago. Those links with the Vulcans who had died on the planet had had over four years to heal. That was why his defenses had been down when he had woken from the accident. Such strong shields were unnecessary. Moving slow over the bonds that had scared over Spock looked for the area that seemed to be drawn to Jim.
After a while he found what he was looking for. To Spock’s surprise it was nothing of malice, it was a bond, shrivelled from lack of use, but the one it connected to still lived. Carefully Spock inspected the withered gold strand. As he did Spock was meet with a mental form with passionate blue eyes, and then the dam that had surrounded his memories suddenly burst and images rushed forth.
They were stranded on a planet. A sudden storm had cut off communications and separated the landing party. They had taken shelter in a cave. As the rain poured down outside Jim tried to get the communicators working. Meanwhile Spock sat by the small fire they had built and shivered.
Jim noticed his distress.
“Spock, are you all right?”
He had been denying it for days, now it was too late.
“No.”
“What’s wrong? Can I help?”
“No…there is nothing anyone can do. It was not supposed to happen now. It’s-it’s too soon.”
He shivered violently. Jim wrapped his arms around Spock, letting him share his body heat.
“Easy, Spock I’ve got you.”
“No…you must leave me, Jim. You are in danger here.”
“If you think I’m leaving you like this you really are nuts. Spock, just tell me what you need. I’ll do anything I can to help all right?”
“No, no you don’t understand what you are offering.”
Jim grabbed Spock’s wrist and put his hand against his face.
“So help me understand.”
Spock spread his fingers properly to the meld points and granted Jim’s request. In instant lust, desire, longing rushed forth. Minds intertwined and linked, clothing was shed, limbs circled each other’s as mouths sought each other hungrily.
When the morning sunlight flooded the cave it illuminated Jim and Spock, naked as the day they were born, and still holding each close.
Jim smirked. “I didn’t think a virgin would be that good.”
Spock turned away from him, and Jim felt like a heel.
“Spock, I didn’t mean it like that. I’m just surprised you knew how to turn me on.”
“We are bonded. Such thoughts are easily accessible if you don’t shield.”
Jim reached an arm around Spock and rolled him back so he could look into his eyes.
“Do you want me to shield?”
“No.”
“Good, ‘cause I don’t want you to shield either. I don’t regret what happened here, Spock, but if you don’t want to tell the rest of the crew right now we won’t.”
Spock kissed him softly.
“Later, Jim. Our bond is something to be cherished and celebrated…just not with the others yet.”
“Okay.”
Spock saw he and Jim spending nights stealing glances at each other over games of chess; keeping watch over each other in sickbay; slaking physical desires that had continued past the Pon Farr.
Then he saw that that love making had achieved something else.
“I’m going to be a dad,” Jim said, as he held up the small white stick.
Spock pulled them into bed at that announcement, rubbing his hands over Jim’s stomach.
“We should inform the crew, Jim…”
“We’ll tell them tomorrow.”
Spock came back to reality covered in sweat and panting on the floor, tears escaping down his cheeks.
“T’hy’la.”
***
Spock Prime sat on his bed with Jim Kirk besides him, sniffling miserably into his shoulder. Spock did his best to provide comfort to his young friend, while ignoring the throb at the back of his head.
‘You’re going to give him a headache, Jim.’
‘What do you expect me to do, Bones! Just sit here while he is sitting with him, with those innocent baby blue eyes.’
‘You don’t like blue eyes, Jim-boy? Well I think I’ve just been insulted.’
‘You stay out of this!’
‘Both of you stay out of this,’ Spock thought and turned his attention to the young man in his arms.
“I grieve for your loss, Jim.”
Jim wiped his eyes and looked at him.
“Thanks. I’m sorry about all…this.”
“It is quite all right you we’re obviously in great distress. What will you do now?”
“I don’t know. I didn’t really plan this beyond getting off the ship.” He thought for a moment. “I could stay with you. I could say the child is yours, who’s going to know right?”
Spock Prime squeezed his friend’s shoulder. “You flatter me, but you will know, Jim. I am not the Spock you love. I could not be that with you even if you wished it.”
“That’s because Bones isn’t here right?”
Spock Prime stiffened.
“I beg your pardon?”
Jim actually blushed “I-I’ve seen you from your own time, you were with your Kirk and him too.”
Spock Prime found himself at a loss for words. He had thought he’d kept far better control than that on Delta Vega.
“H-how much have you seen?” he queried finally.
Jim shrugged and looked down at the floor. “I don’t know, lots of stuff, different ages, and events. I can see why you liked him; he looks really good with blue eyes.”
‘Oh, he is just like you, Jim. He’s cute and a shameless flatterer.’
Spock Prime lifted one hand and cupped Jim’s chin to look at him properly.
“I am so terribly sorry, Jim. I never should have melded with you then, my mind was too scattered at that time to do so safely. It is true I was with them then, and they are still with me now. That is how you have seen so much of our lives. For you see…I hold their katras.”
“Their what?”
“All that is not of the body, humans describe it as their souls.”
Jim let his mouth open and close like a fish, before he managed to mutter a word out.
“Bullshit.”
Suddenly there was a distinct shift in the Vulcan. He moved away from Jim slightly and the voice was different when he spoke again.
“You know I don’t think I ever swore so much at your age.”
Jim yelped and scrambled back against the bed pining himself up the pillows.
“Sorry, forgotten that can be jarring for others.”
Jim let his jaw hang open, just staring at him.
“You-you’re me?”
Kirk nodded “In another time and place, as it were.”
“Wow! So-so wait what did you do? Possess him?”
“In a manner of speaking, his aware of everything we’re saying though.”
“So he’s okay isn’t he?”
Kirk smiled.
“Oh, yes it’s perfectly safe for us. We have been like this for a long time.”
Jim stared at him his heart still racing and his breathing heavy.
“You shouldn’t get so worked up in your condition you know.”
Jim tilted his head curiously. He hadn’t been sure the first time, the change was minimal and Jim blamed it on a trick of the light, but now he could see it plainly. The eyes staring back at him were now blue enough to rival his own; and so Jim actually smiled.
“Hey, Bones.”
McCoy chuckled. It was weird hearing that from a Vulcan and yet for some strange reason it was also…right for him.
“Nice to see you too, Jim-boy.”
He reached into a drawer and pulled out a tricorder.
“I make him keep one with him at all times,” he said and turned it on.
Jim reminded still as he was checked over. McCoy stopped before checking the readings, admiring his hands.
“Sorry I’ll never quite get used to doing it like this,” he said, before turning his attention back to the readouts. “Well after everything you’ve been going through you’re in good shape. The kid’s a proper size, but you could stand to put on a bit more weight and take in more nutrients.”
“You’re a lot kinder about this than my Bones.”
McCoy shrugged. “I’ve been at it longer.”
He gently placed one hand on top of Jim’s hand.
“You’re welcome to stay you know. It’s been a long time since we’ve had anyone but ourselves and the mirrors to talk to.”
***
McCoy stared as Spock in disbelief. The Vulcan had come rushing into meeting room ten minutes late, only to stop short as he looked frantically around the room.
“Where is Jim?”
“He’s not with you?” McCoy asked. “Since you were both late we thought you two were having some kind of meeting.”
“No, the last time I saw him he was going to the transporter room yesterday. I assumed he was meeting with you.”
“No, I haven’t seen him since yesterday morning.”
McCoy glanced around the room, suddenly growing concerned.
“Has anyone seen him?”
All the others in the room shook their heads.
“He must be located, Doctor McCoy, his physical condition is compromised.”
McCoy frowned and folded his arms across his chest “And just how would you know that?”
“My memories have returned. Before the accident Jim told me of a condition that has gone unchecked since then…he is pregnant.”
“He’s what!?” McCoy bellowed.
“I will confirm Commander’s Spock’s statement,” Christine said, standing up and handing her PADD to McCoy. “It was added to the Captain’s medical record just yesterday, he was supposed to inform you, sir.”
McCoy took the PADD and quickly looked over the readouts.
Meanwhile Nyota looked at Spock curiously. Why would Spock be so knowledgeable about Kirk’s personal life?
“Well then who the hell is the other father?” McCoy asked.
Spock lowered his head. “I am,” he replied softly.
“What!?” McCoy yelled, dropping the PADD and slamming his hands against the table.
“He is my bondmate.”
Nyota got up from her chair and went up to Spock.
“Tell me it’s not true,” she whispered.
“It’s true.”
She didn’t manage to hold back a sob before she slapped him and ran out of the room. Spock let her go and looked at McCoy.
“We must find him, Doctor.”
***
As his crew began an all-out search for him Jim remained blissfully unaware of the panic he had caused and settled into Spock Prime’s home in San Francisco; and he slowly adjusted to having three people living in the same body.
He had just finished setting the table for dinner nearly a week into his stay when the door chimed.
“I’ll get it!” Jim called out, and went to the door.
The door slid back and Jim gasped as he saw his best friend standing outside. He was even more shocked though when McCoy flung himself through the door and hugged him.
“Jim, I am so sorry!”
“Bones, what are you doing here? And what the hell are you sorry about? You didn’t do-“
“I asked you to sit on your ass while your husband screwed someone else! You should hate me!”
“I don’t, Bones, I mean you didn’t know-wait! How do you know that?!”
“Spock told me. He-he remembers, Jim.”
Jim gasped. Just like that the world was as it should be again. Spock knew everything once more. He knew what they were. Jim’s hand flew to his stomach, he remembered the baby.
“I need to sit down.”
McCoy quickly guided him the couch. Spock Prime came out the kitchen and helped him, taking a seat in a nearby chair.
“You all right?” McCoy asked.
“Yeah…Bones, I’m sorry about all this,” Jim said while rubbing his stomach. “We were going to tell you the day-the day the accident happened.”
“I know he told me.” He sighed. “I wish you had told me anyway, Jim. I mean you’ve been dealing with that, and Spock, who has been a real asshole sometimes, and the ship, and the paperwork, and… please tell me someone besides Christine has checked you!”
“Yeah, he did,” Jim said, jerking his thumb in Spock Prime’s direction.
“Oh, really?” he asked sarcastically.
“He’s trained, Bones. Well a part of him is anyway…it’s a long story.”
McCoy folded his arms across his chest and leaned back on the couch.
“I’ve got time.”
The elder Vulcan just quirked an eyebrow at him.
“Right, right, later. Should I let Spock know you’re here, Jim?”
“Yeah, he’ll-he’ll be worried.”
***
Spock rushed over when McCoy informed him that he had found Jim, and Nyota came with him. She was angry at Spock, but after all this time Jim was her friend too and she wanted to make sure he was all right.
They came in to find Jim hiding away in the bedroom and Spock Prime, sporting a Southern accent, in a heated conversation with McCoy. In desperate need of some air Nyota went out to the balcony. Spock went out after her as she stood there silently, gazing at the water.
“Nyota, may I speak with you?”
She turned to him and let Spock walk closer. She sighed and started rubbing the cheek she had hit softly.
“I’m so sorry, Spock, I shouldn’t have done that. It’s not like you knew you were already committed to Jim. If there is anyone who should be getting slapped it’s me! You’re bonded to him and I stole you away!”
“No, you were right to act as you did, and you did not steal me, Nyota. I knew there was something that called to me, but I ignored it. I went to you to forget what the bond was trying to tell me. I had no right to demand any of this of you.”
“I agreed to it, Spock, I entered this hell of me own free will…that really wasn’t the best choice of words. I have enjoyed being with you, Spock, really. It’s just…”
Spock squeezed her hand.
“I do care for you, Nyota, you must know that.”
“I know and I care for you too…as a friend.”
Spock tilted his head down to stare at the floor.
“You were right from the beginning. It is what we are best as.”
She nodded, but one hand went to her stomach.
“It won’t be that simple now.”
Spock’s other hand reached over and covered her own.
“You are unhappy about the pregnancy, even before this.”
Nyota turned away from him once again, and gripped the railing tightly.
“I want don’t to be a mother, Spock, not now, maybe not ever.”
“If that is what you wish I will not deny you it.”
“I can’t…your people need young life, Spock. I can’t take that away from them, from you.”
Spock came close to her again; slowly turning Nyota to face him, and brushing a strand of hair away from her face.
“I’m so terribly sorry. It was never my intention to make you feel obligated, Nyota. Yes, I believe that all life should be given a chance, but it is not I who carry the child, and so it is not my choice to make.”
“You would hate me if I-“
In a bold move Spock pressed Nyota against him, letting her rest her head against his shoulder.
“I could never hate someone that I cherish so much. Who helped me so much these last few weeks, and who I have unintentionally hurt.”
Nyota was warmed by his gesture, but even now it wouldn’t change things. Spock needed to be with Jim and she needed to figure her next step in all this.
“Let me think about it and go to him.”
***
Spock did as Nyota said and entered the bedroom, practically tip toeing over to the still figure sitting on the bed.
“Jim.”
“Hey.”
Jim patted the bed and Spock sat down beside him. For several minutes Spock said nothing, what did one say in moment like this one?
“So, you going to talk to me?” Jim asked.
“What can I possibly say that would not be…inadequate?”
“You could say I still have a chance with you. That you’ll still be here for the baby.”
At that Spock grabbed Jim and pulled him into a desperate hug.
“Or you could do that.”
“I’m sorry, Jim, I am so terribly sorry.”
“Don’t be, Spock, you didn’t know-“
“I knew there was something missing, but rather than look for it, for you, I filled that space with another.”
“Hey you woke up to a world you pretty much didn’t know. Of course you would want someone who was familiar.”
“That is no excuse. If I had not wished our relationship to be unknown others would have informed me of who was familiar to me. I was the one who didn’t want our relationship known beforehand. Had even one other person been aware of what we had you would not have felt so alone.”
“No, Spock, it wasn’t just you. I liked having ‘us’ all to myself at first and after…I guess it felt like I wasn’t as strong as I thought I was if I couldn’t deal with all of it on my own. And you know who I go to when I need support.”
“I am grateful he has been here for you, as he always is.”
Spock tensed and forced the next words out of his mouth.
“Jim, if-if you wish to remain with him instead, I understand.”
Jim shook his head, then leaned in and kissed Spock. He smiled and he pulled back and pulled Spock’s hand toward him, letting it curl against his stomach.
“He has what he needs…and now so do I.”
Jim suddenly winced and rubbed at his forehead.
“Are you all right?”
“Yeah, it’s just always like that these days.”
Spock nodded in understanding.
“Our child is attempting to bond with you, Jim, it is a normal response.”
“Daughter, it’s a girl, Spock.”
Spock nodded and raised his hand to Jim’s face. “Our daughter wishes to know you fully. If you permit me I can help you to complete her bond, Jim.”
“Please.”
Spock put his fingers to those familiar meld points and he eased them lightly into a meld. As Jim let his mind entwined with Spock’s he totally relaxed for the first time in weeks. His was home again.
I’ve missed you so much Spock.
I know, Jim.
Then they turned their attention to the new addition to the meld. A tiny presence that ‘saw’ the world with wonder and curiosity.
Hi there we’re your daddies.
***
Nyota watched as Jim and Spock came out of the bedroom and she knew they were going to be all right. And after having some time to think about everything she was beginning to think that she was going to be okay too after all; if they accepted her offer.
“Jim, Spock, I have a question for you two, you don’t have to answer right now, but I’d just like to ask you now anyway.”
“You can ask us anything, Uhura,” Jim said.
“You two were planning on having a family before all of this happened. So, if I have this baby, would you want to raise him?”
Jim came up to her slowly and hugged her gently.
“We would be honoured…Nyota.”
“Thank you,” she said and hugged him back.
“But, Spock, what about her bond with the baby?” Jim asked when he pulled back.
“If you truly wish us to raise this child, Nyota the bond should be transferred, or at least split between the three of us. Unfortunately I am not skilled enough in the mental arts to perform that.”
Spock Prime put a hand on Nyota’s shoulder and looked at her kindly.
“I am familiar with such bonds, Miss Uhura. I can help you and them when the time is right if you will permit me.”
She smiled at him.
“Of course I will, and thank you so much.”
‘Well, with two pointed-ear hobgoblins on the way you’re going to have to learn to knit faster, Spock.’
The End